The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond

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Overview

In this fully expanded and updated third edition of the bestselling classic, you learn why verbal abuse is more widespread than ever, and how you can deal with it. You'll get more of the answers you need to recognize abuse when it happens, respond to abusers safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life.

In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse - and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating ...

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The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond

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Overview

In this fully expanded and updated third edition of the bestselling classic, you learn why verbal abuse is more widespread than ever, and how you can deal with it. You'll get more of the answers you need to recognize abuse when it happens, respond to abusers safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life.

In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse - and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships. She also outlines the Levels of Abuse that characterize this kind of behavior - from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.

Drawing from hundreds of real situations suffered by real people just like you, Evans offers strategies, sample scripts, and action plans designed to help you deal with the abuse - and the abuser.

This timely new edition of The Verbally Abusive Relationship puts you on the road to recognizing and responding to verbal abuse, one crucial step at a time!

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781440504631
  • Publisher: Adams Media Corporation
  • Publication date: 1/18/2010
  • Edition number: 3
  • Pages: 240
  • Sales rank: 70,110
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 8.30 (h) x 0.60 (d)

Meet the Author

Patricia Evans is the bestselling author of four books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, and The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? A highly acclaimed interpersonal communications specialist, public speaker, and consultant, Evans has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. Evans lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and can be reached via her website at www.VerbalAbuse.com.

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Table of Contents

Foreword 9

Introduction 15

Part 1

Chapter 1 Evaluating Your Own Experience 21

Chapter 2 Two Kinds of Power: A Broad Perspective 27

Chapter 3 Personal Power: A Look At Reality H 33

Chapter 4 The Abuser and the Abusive Relationship: A Look At Reality 37

Chapter 5 The Consequences of Verbal Abuse 47

Chapter 6 The Partner's Feelings 55

Chapter 7 Obstcles and Indicators 65

Part 2

Chapter 8 Characteristics and categoriesof Verbal Abuse 77

Chapter 9 The Anger Addict the Anger Addict 101

Chapter 10 Conditioning and the partner 107

Chapter 11 The Recognition of verbal abuse and Asking for change 113

Chapter 12 Responding With impact to verbal Abuse 129

Chapter 13 Recovery 149

Chapter 14 Looking back 155

Chapter 15 The underlying Dynamics: The Underlying Dynamics: Some Reasons Why 163

Chapter 16 Stress And Verbal Abuse 173

Chapter 17 Irrational Behavior to the extreme 187

Chapter 18 About therapy--and for therapist 197

Chapter 19 Children and verbal abuse 211

Conclusion

Where do we go from Here? 221

Appendix

Frequently Asked questions 224

Bibliography 229

Survey 233

Index 237

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 68 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(42)

4 Star

(10)

3 Star

(7)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(4)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 68 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 25, 2007

    What a load of psychobabble crap

    I read this entire book at my wife's request - but the book was thrown against the wall more than once. I guess if you listen to this pompous and self-righteous author, that makes me an abuser. Of course, her main point was that if I am a man, I am an abuser. You could hear the bitterness of her probably coming from a bad relationship. Of course women love this book. According to this author, a woman is not responsible for her own happiness, her husband is. You don't have to get very far into the book to see her ridiculous list of things that identify an abusive husband - she's not happy, she doesn't feel understood, she is confused, her husband gets angry, her husband doesn't tell her his feelings, her husband tells her his feelings. Then you go on to some more indicators. What 'red flags' should a woman look for to call her husband an abuser? If he brings her gifts, if he takes her to a nice restaraunt, if he says he loves her, if he doesn't understand her, if she doesn't understand him, if he talks to her, if he doesn't talk to her, if he asks her if everything is OK, if he pays too much attention to her, if he doesn't pay enough attention to her. Then this author goes on with the feel-good psycho-babble. If you feel it - it is true. Do you feel alone? - you have been abandoned. Do you feel sad? - you are abused. Do you feel like you don't understand your husband? - you are being deceived. How did she get the information for this book? By talking to women - only women. Not one single man. She didn't determine if what the woman was telling her was accurate or a complete fictional account. Why wouldn't she talk to men? Because we're all abusers - why would she waste her time talking to any of us? This bitter lady is a certified man-hater and it appears to be her goal in life to break up as many marriages as possible. She offers about 3 pages on how to keep a relationship together - but not before telling the woman that the only real solution is to leave your husband if he is an abuser - and we're all abusers. She goes on and on about how there is almost no chance whatsoever salvaging a marriage, so you might as well divorce your husband and live alone for the rest of your life. Why do so many women relate to this? Because there is no way whatsoever a woman can't relate to this. Did her husband ever tell her that he loves her? Oh my God - he is an abuser and she is a victim. This is a horrible hate-filled book and it saddens me how many marriages this bitter woman will destroy.

    8 out of 27 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 26, 2006

    It's not my FAULT

    I was always wondering why I couldn't do enough to please him. It wasn't enough...no matter how good the toilet was it wasn't good enough. When I went unhappily to clean it better he would say I was so defensive of a suggestion. That I was trying starting something by digging my heals in the ground just to try to piss him off. He told me I did things on purpose because I got enjoyment out of pissing him off. He could graph my wanting to argue when I would want to discuss an emotional issue. So, I became numb and a just remained there for the financial security. I have 2 teenagers who are suffering from my putting up with this, to a point they have lost respect for me. This was my first book and it won't be my last...I will not remain in this situation much longer. I do not feel it is my fault any longer to have an opinion or it is not my fault if the bed isn't made correctly. It is his for thinking because he makes the money that he is better and that I need to be his slave. I have to let a bit of anger out so I don't need validation and go ask him one more time what he is mad at and be ignored and told that I just want to start something. I'm DONE. My counselor suggested this book on my second visit. I read it in a day and a half. Wow is all I can say. If allowed you may email me.

    7 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 30, 2005

    EVERY Person Should Read this BOOK!!!!

    People tend to think that being verbally abusive is cussing, swearing and name calling when in Fact it is also...looks and sometimes Not Talking...Verbal Abuse takes on MANY Forms....I have literally read hundreds of books many being self-help!!! This one was So GOOD that a counselor friend of mine that I gave a copy to....Taught a class on It!!! I had been married over 20 years and when I read this book I realized that my Ex-husband had at one time or another used every tactic in this book! ( I said ex-husband) You won't be disappointed...even for everyday what seems to be normal relationships and marriages can Greatly benefit from this book! FIVE STARS!!!!

    5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 6, 2000

    Great Book.....Very insightful and helpful

    I have always had a problem sticking up for myself and felt that I was not being 'nice' if I spoke back or spoke firm with anyone. This book has been extremely helpful and actually showed specific examples of a conversation one might have in a relationship and gave various exapmples of apporopriate responses. After only reading one chapter, I learned 'healthy' responses to use in a conversaation. I also learned that it is MY JOB to build a relationship with someone and I am responsible for how I let that relationship develop. No one can make me do, feel or say anything I do not want to! Thank you Patricia Evans!!! A grateful reader.....Kathy

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2000

    The Verbally Abusive Relationship

    This book can change your life. It is very descriptive using word for word instances to recognize verbal abuse and what you can do about taking care of yourself. I recommend this book to everyone. This book is extremely helpful in communicating and how to handle destructive behavior. I give alot of thanks to the author!

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 4, 2008

    Is it a partnership or a contest?

    I am NOT a certified man hater. I love men. But there are men AND women out there that are verbally and emotionally abusive and they just don't get it. All you can do is get it YOURSELF and make your choices about how YOU are going to deal with it. If your partner refuses to listen to your point of view, doesn't 'see you,' and all situations are a win/lose, then this book is for you. They are just coming from a different perspective than you are. 'Perhaps throwing the book against the wall is a good sign there is not perspective sharing and mutuality going on...'

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 23, 2006

    Long and Vauge

    I had to read this book for a family violence course in college. I thought this book was overly long and vauge. I TOTALLY leaves out the fact that MEN can be the VICTIM. This book only talks about woman as the victim and men as the abusers. While it would help people who are in a verbally abusive relationship it won't do much for those who aren't. This book left a lot to be desired.

    2 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 5, 2006

    Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond

    In your closet and under your bed. If you don't understand them, they are abusers, if they don't understand you they are abusers too. If you are perplexed, they are abusers also. There is no way a man can avoid this label unless he keeps his mouth shut, all the time.

    2 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 27, 2005

    This book saved my life

    I read this book 9 years ago and it saved my life. Now I have a friend I am buying this book for in hopes hers might be saved too. There is no gender bias in this book, it's validation and hope.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 28, 2001

    Excellent insight

    I never knew there was a name for the cruel, almost Jekyll & Hyde-like personality exhibited by my partner. The book gave clear descriptions and many examples that made it easy to identify this problem. It also gave helpful suggestions on how to cope.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 28, 2013

    What a wake up call

    After 10 yrs in a verbally abusive relationship, I found this book. What a Godsend!!! As soon as I was done, I finally had the courage to file for divorce. I have become a very strong and powerful woman as a result of this book. Read it,dont hesitate for a second because it will definetely change your life for the better.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 26, 2012

    A very good, important book

    I picked up this book at least three times in ten yrs. I was 2 yrs post divorce before I picked it up and recognized myself/ my ex.

    Duh.

    Its very hard to recognize being abused while being abused esp abused in the often sneaky ways described. My word, sneaky, Evans is more articulate and provides extensive explanation and examples.

    This is one book you should read even if you don't think you "fit". I wish I'd read it, much sooner. I dismissed the idea of "verbal" abuse -- both as an actual type of abuse and as the way I was being abused.

    By the time I realized the not-really-abuse-verbal abuse was abuse it'd progressed to not-really-physical-abuse, just as Evans describes.

    But enough about me, read the book! At the very least you'll gain understanding of relational and verbal habits that are toxic and wrong -- in media, at work, in public -- even if you are healthy and lucky enough to not experience them in your own personal life.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 23, 2011

    Wonderful!

    This book is wonderful. It helped me understand what happened in my relationship with my ex-husband. I knew something was wrong, but just couldn't figure out what. He had me so turned around, doubting my own reality, etc. A must read for anyone who even thinks they may be verbally abused.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted May 27, 2011

    Key to understanding the dynamics of a verbally abusive relationship

    This book is great as a guide to identifying and responding to a verbally abusive partner.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 10, 2007

    A reviewer

    Verbal abuse might not be as visible as physical abuse, but it can be just as damaging. What makes this type of abuse so insidious is that the victim blames herself, further weakening her self-esteem, instead of placing the responsibility firmly where it belongs ¿ on the abuser. Patricia Evans unmasks verbal abuse in all its hurtful guises, from the most obvious such as yelling and name-calling, to the covert manipulations of sabotage, double-speak and denial. Evans bases her insights and conclusions on extensive research. She uses real-life situations and dialogue to shed light on this dark, destructive ailment ¿ though she sometimes can be repetitive and unnecessarily complex. Her in-depth analysis of the dynamics of verbal abuse may be more suited to therapists and researchers than to victims seeking coping advice. Evans would be the first to say that if you are in imminent danger, get professional help or a cop. We recommend her book to anyone who might be in a verbally abusive relationship or who cares about someone who is. Therapists and counselors will also benefit from this well-researched thesis.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 20, 2006

    This Book Has Something For EVERYONE

    Reading this book has changed my life through me learning the coping techniques for dealing with verbal abuse. However, I do not just recommend it for those's in a verbally abusive relationship. I recommend it to everyone in any type of relationship because it teaches you useful communication skills period. You can also learn to recognize some things in your communicating style that could keep you from possibly unintentionally hurting someone else. I am purchasing the book today for a friend who recently married and is having trouble with what is being said to her. I do not necessarily belive she is in an abusive relationship or not. If she is then this book will help HER reconize it. Either way she needs this valuable information.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2004

    reconizing verbal abuse

    i thought that this book was awesome, it has me in it all over( the victim ) it has taught me that i'm not at fault. and only i can stop it. thank you so much.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2004

    STOP RIGHT HERE !

    NO more looking.... this is THE book

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 20, 2004

    The single most important book I have ever read

    After years of looking through self-help books, I finally picked up a copy of this book and didn't put it down until I'd read every word. I didn't know there was a name for what I'd been through, and it was a big relief for me to know that it wasn't just me or my fault. I felt like Patricia Evans had somehow been looking in on my life up until that point and taking notes. Unfortunately, I'm on this web site looking for a copy for a friend who's going through the same thing and not understanding why she feels as badly as she does or what's really going on. This is the best book on this problem that I have ever read and I recommend it very highly.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 24, 2003

    Must read this book

    This book saved my life.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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