Watch Your Back! (John Dortmunder Series #12)

Watch Your Back! (John Dortmunder Series #12)

4.5 6
by Donald E. Westlake

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After a year on the lam, the return of bumbling thief Dortmunder is a cause celebre. The author's most recent Dortmunder caper. "The Road to Ruin," and the short story collection, "Thieves' Dozen," received rave reviews in the "New York Times Book Review, New York Daily News," and "Kirkus Reviews" (starred review), among other publications.  See more details below


After a year on the lam, the return of bumbling thief Dortmunder is a cause celebre. The author's most recent Dortmunder caper. "The Road to Ruin," and the short story collection, "Thieves' Dozen," received rave reviews in the "New York Times Book Review, New York Daily News," and "Kirkus Reviews" (starred review), among other publications.

Editorial Reviews

Janet Maslin
… no matter how fast Dortmunder scrambles to adjust his plan, he can't control the obsessive characters or anticipate the consequences when they all converge on the Fareweather place on the day the burglary goes down. Which only proves the truth of Dortmunder's downbeat philosophy -- ''You think everything's O.K. in life, and then something different happens'' -- and the genius of Westlake's fatalistic comic vision.
— The New York Times
Publishers Weekly
John Dortmunder, deadpan burglar extraordinaire, leads a cast of marvelously twisted supporting characters in his stellar 12th outing from MWA Grandmaster Westlake (after 2004's The Road to Ruin). Arnie Albright, a fence so obnoxious his family intervened and sent him to Club Med in hopes he'd become more likable, has returned from the resort minimally improved, but having met the man of his dreams Preston Fareweather, a millionaire who's as comically distasteful as Arnie and who, more importantly, plans to be away from his art-filled New York penthouse indefinitely, on the run from hordes of furious ex-wives. Albright calls in Dortmunder and his pals to take advantage of Fareweather's absence. Meanwhile, Dortmunder has discovered that a New Jersey branch of the mob has been systematically taking over O.J. Bar & Grill, which traditionally hosts Dortmunder's business meetings. While Dortmunder plans the penthouse burglary and tracks down Raphael Medrick, failed manager of the O.J. and compulsive creator of crummy music, Fareweather uses women and lolls on the beach. Events unfold in a delicious sequence, and every step is complemented by great writing, right down to the hilarious exchanges between the regulars hanging out at the O.J. (Apr. 18) Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
Begin laughing right now. Offensive fence Arnie Albright's been sent to a Caribbean Club Med by his family in hopes that, once there, he'll develop charm and social skills. Instead, he finds a mark, Preston Fareweather, who's spent the past three years there hiding out from the subpoenas of his four ex-wives. (Fareweather: "To have ex-wives is normal. It's merely the end product of lust.") So his multimillion-dollar New York penthouse with its Picassos and Ming vases is empty, as Arnie explains to Dortmunder, Tiny, Kelp and Stan when he returns. But there are some snags. The gang can't reconnoiter as usual at the O.J. Bar & Grill because Mikey the mobster has taken it over. Will Dortmunder (The Road to Ruin, 2004, etc.) ever get another house bourbon-and-ice again? Even once Mikey's out, he doesn't go quietly but puts a tail on Dortmunder that leads directly to the Fareweather penthouse and the moving van that Stan has confiscated from undercover feds to haul the loot away. By this time, however, Fareweather, gulled by yet another beauty, has retreated to the empty penthouse, which now plays headquarters to: our gang; young Judson Blint, who is being trained, sort of, to join our gang; the mobsters' gang; and Fareweather. Can the cops be far behind? Can the laughs? A top-flight caper from Westlake, who can outconnive anyone in the writing business.

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Product Details

Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:
John Dortmunder Series , #12
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Hachette Digital, Inc.
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702 KB

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Read an Excerpt

Watch Your Back!

By Donald E. Westlake

Mysterious Press

Copyright © 2005 Donald E. Westlake
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-892-96802-8

Chapter One

WHEN JOHN DORTMUNDER, a free man, not even on parole, walked into the O.J. Bar & Grill on Amsterdam Avenue that Friday night in July, just before ten o'clock, the regulars were discussing the afterlife. "What I don't get," said one of them, as Dortmunder angled toward where Rollo the bartender was busy with something far over to the right end of the bar, "is all these clouds."

A second regular put down his foaming beerglass to say, "Clouds? Which clouds are these?"

"That they're sitting on!" The first regular waved an arm dangerously, but did no damage. "You look at all these pictures, Jesus sitting on a cloud, that other God sitting on a cloud, Mary sitting on a cloud-"

"A little lower down," suggested a third.

"Well, yeah, but the point is, can't Heaven come up with furniture?"

As Dortmunder approached Rollo, he saw that the beefy bartender in his once-white apron was deeply absorbed in making five very complicated drinks in glasses Dortmunder had never seen before and would not have suspected the O.J. of possessing: curled, twisted, wider than deep, they looked mostly like crystal hubcaps, though smaller. But not much smaller.

Another regular, meantime, was objecting to the concept of furniture in the beyond, saying, "Whadaya want with furniture? Heaven isn't Westchester, you know."

A fifth regular weighed in, saying, "Yeah? What about all those fields of plenty?"

"Land of milk and honey," added the third regular, as though it were an indictment.

The first regular lifted a skeptical glass and a skeptical brow to say, "Do they give out overshoes?"

What Rollo was doing with those glasses was just about everything. He had already sluiced in some crushed ice, and now he was adding some red liquid and some yellow liquid and some brown liquid and some clear liquid, all of them channeling around through the shards of ice and combining to form pools that looked like a lab test you didn't want the results of.

The second regular was now saying, "What gets me is this fruitcake Muslim Heaven with the seventy-two virgins."

"There aren't seventy-two virgins," the first regular objected.

"Well, no," the second regular conceded, "not all at one time, but still, what kinda Heaven is this? It would be like being assigned to an all-girls' high school."

"Ouch," said the third regular.

"Can you imagine," the second regular said, "what it sounds like in the cafeteria at lunchtime?"

The fourth regular, the one with something against Westchester, said, "Would you have to learn volleyball?"

This introduction of sports stymied everybody for a minute, as Dortmunder watched Rollo slice up a banana and drop the chunks into the glasses like depth charges. Next he reached for a lime, as Dortmunder looked around and saw what must have happened. It was summertime in New York City, late July, and the sluggish tide of tourists had washed up on this unlikely shore five ladies who did each other's silvery wavy hair, and who were seated now at one of the booths on the right. They perched very straight on just the front edge of the seat, their backs not touching the seatbacks, like freshmen in military academy, and they gazed around the unlovely precincts of the O.J. with an anthropologist's guarded delight. Their clothing combined many of the colors Rollo was injecting into their drinks. One of them, Dortmunder saw, had a cell phone-camera and was sending pictures of the O.J. to the folks back home.

Well, being a free person and not on parole was all well and good, but there was no point in overdoing it. Hunching a shoulder against the spy-cam, Dortmunder said, "Whadaya say, Rollo?"

"With you in a minute," Rollo said. Inside each glass now, it looked as though an elf had blown up, but Rollo was not done. To cap it all, he dropped a shiny red spheroid on top of each; could those be related to cherries somehow?

Surely that was all even these glasses could stand, but no. Turning to a little-used drawer under the backbar, Rollo came up with five Oriental pastel parasols and plopped one onto each drink, as though some poor shipwrecked son of a bitch were marooned on each of them.

And now they actually were done. Since apparently total concentration was not necessary while loading glasses onto a tray-not even glasses like these-while Rollo did that operation he said, "You already got the beer and salt back there."


Tray full, Rollo reached under the bar and came up with a bottle of sluggish brown liquid behind a label reading,

Amsterdam Liquor Store Bourbon

"Our Own Brand"

Placing this bottle on the bar before Dortmunder, he said, "The other bourbon and ice? He coming?"


"I'll get you two glasses," Rollo said, and while he did, Dortmunder told him, "Also the rye and water, the one that tinkles his ice cubes all the time."

"Haven't seen him for a while." Rollo knew everybody not by their name but by their drink, which struck him as the professional way to go about things.

"He's the one called this meeting," Dortmunder said. "Let's hope it's good news."

"I'll drink to that," Rollo said, though he didn't. Instead, he carried the tray of weirdness toward the five tourist ladies, who filmed his approach.

Picking up the bottle and the two glasses with their own discrete burdens of ice cubes, Dortmunder made his way around the regulars, who were still gnawing the same bone, the third regular now saying, "What if you can't play cards in Heaven? What if you can't dance?"

"Big deal," the second regular said. "I can't dance on Earth."

Leaving the theologians, Dortmunder made his way down the hall, past the doors defined by neat dog silhouettes labeled POINTERS and SETTERS and past the phone booth that was now a helplessly gaping unofficial portal to cyberspace, and into a small square room with a concrete floor. The walls were fronted, floor to ceiling, by beer and liquor cases, leaving just room for a battered old round table with a stained green felt top and half a dozen armless wooden chairs, at one of which-the one most completely facing the door-sat a carroty-headed guy with a glass of beer in front of his right hand, a salt shaker in front of where his left hand should be, and his left hand actually holding a cell phone to his ear. "Here's John now," he said into it. "I'll tell him."

"Hello, Stan," Dortmunder said, and sat to his left, so he, too, could have an unobstructed view of the door.

Hanging up and secreting his cell on his person, Stan said, "I think the Williamsburg is gonna be all right."

"That's good," Dortmunder said. Stan Murch was a driver, and as a result he gave more than the usual consideration to the routes he chose.

"For many years," Stan said, "the Williamsburg Bridge was where you went if you wanted to sleep in your car. Only now the construction's done, turns out, that humongous expressway Robert Moses wanted to put across Manhattan from the Williamsburg to the Holland Tunnel, slice the island in half like the Great Wall of China, only he didn't get it, that's fine, turns out it didn't have to happen anyway. Canal Street's a great run across, the West Side Highway's a snap coming up, I'm here so early this is my second saltshaker." Being a driver, Stan liked to pace his alcohol intake, but he hated it when his beer went flat; hence the salt. Every once in a while, a judicious spray, the head comes right back.

"That's nice," Dortmunder said.

"However," Stan said, "that was Ralph on the phone, the meet is off."

Ralph was Ralph Winslow, the rye-and-water-in-a-tinkling-glass. Dortmunder said, "He called the meeting, now he calls to say it's off."

"Some cops found something in his car," Stan explained. "He couldn't go into details."

"No, I know."

"In fact," Stan said, "he's got me on his speed-dial, so the cops think he's still on his one permitted call to his lawyer."

"Call Andy," Dortmunder suggested. "He's on his way, save him some time."

"Good idea. He's on my speed-dial. You don't have one of these, do you?" Stan asked, unleashing his cell.

"No," Dortmunder said simply.

As Stan made the call to warn off the final attendee of the non-meeting, he and Dortmunder walked back down the hall and around the regulars and over to where Rollo was firmly wiping with a dirty rag the part of the bar where he'd made all those strange drinks. At the booth, the ladies were gone and those glasses were all empty except for some dirty ice. That was fast. They'd taken the parasols with them.

"Sorry, Rollo," Dortmunder said, returning the bottle and glasses. "Change of plan."

"You'll be back," Rollo said.

As Dortmunder and Stan headed for the street, the first regular was saying, "You want my idea of Heaven? You go there, you take a nap."

The third regular veered half around on his barstool to get a better look at things. "Yeah? Then what?"

"What what? It's over. The Last Nap. Can you think of anything better?"

Into the profound silence that followed upon that, Dortmunder, on his way out the door, said, "I was counting on this. I could use something."

"Me, too," Stan said. "I'll give you a lift home."

"Thank you. Maybe," Dortmunder said, "I'll get another phone call."


Excerpted from Watch Your Back! by Donald E. Westlake Copyright © 2005 by Donald E. Westlake. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Watch Your Back! (John Dortmunder Series #12) 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 5 reviews.
harstan More than 1 year ago
The family of New York fence Arnie Albright is so fed up with his obnoxious nasty personality that they stage an intervention and send him to the resort island of Club Med in the Caribbean to get a personality transplant. There he meets Preston Fareweather. The wealthy venture capitalist has been living on the island for three years to avoid being served the subpoenas, injunctions and other legal papers from his four ex-wives who have banded together to get even with Preston and take him for all he is worth. --- While on the island, he treats Arnie so terribly that when he returns to New York he decides to have his revenge on the man who made him feel worthless. He contacts Dortmunder and explains that Preston has a penthouse with exclusive art and antiques easy to rob because nobody lives there. Dortmunder and his crew accept the job but they get sidetracked when the mob takes over the O.J. Bar and Grill, their meeting place. While Dortmunder is fixing that problem, his ex-wives lure Preston off the island and he is heading to his penthouse at the same time Dortmunder and his crew plan to rob the place. --- Donald E. Westlake scores again with another deliciously ironic crime caper where criminals are trying to steal from one another. Preston, a white collar crook, is no different than his mob counterparts or Dortmunder and his misfits. The screw-ups outwit both the mob and the venture capitalist through some hilarious maneuvers. WATCH YOUR BACK is a crime thriller that will have readers chuckling out loud.--- Harriet Klausner
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