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This is not another book filled with strict ...
This is not another book filled with strict rules of "weddiquette" or ways of having the perfect wedding. Its mission is to demystify the scary stuff and provide an antidote for befuddled brides, anxious grooms, and frenzied parents and family. Weddings For Dummies is also for those who are planning:
This book can be picked up at any stage of your wedding plans. Rather than laying out a strict chronology, the authors have organized this book according to what makes sense. A wedding can be two years or two months in the making. Either way, success depends on thinking through every detail before slapping down one red penny. This easy-to-understand guide covers the following topics and more:
There is, generally speaking, no single right way to plan a wedding. What makes you and your intended happy is the right way for you, and this book is designed to help you create your dream wedding to fit your budget and timeframe. Congratulations!
PART I: The Glass Slipper Fits — Now What?
Chapter 1: The IZE Have It.
Chapter 2: Space: The First Frontier.
Chapter 3: And the Bride Wore Whatever She Pleased.
PART II: "I Now Pronounce You ".
Chapter 4: A Circle of Friends.
Chapter 5: The Main Event: The Ceremony.
Chapter 6: Other Aisle Styles.
PART III: Eat, Drink, and Be Very Merry.
Chapter 7: Music, Sweet Music.
Chapter 8: Booking the Cooking.
Chapter 9: A Piece of Cake.
Chapter 10: Cheers!
Chapter 11: Setting the Stage.
Chapter 12: For Posterity: Photos and Videos.
PART IV: Marital Minutiae.
Chapter 13: Getting the Word Out.
Chapter 14: Gimme, Gimme.
Chapter 15: Left Hand, Fourth Finger.
Chapter 16: Nuts and Bolts and Loose Screws.
PART V: 3-2-1, Blast off!
Chapter 17: Warming Up, Cooling Down, and Looking Back.
Chapter 18: The Wedding Day: Spontaneity on Schedule.
Chapter 19: Let's Get Out of Here.
PART VI: The Part of Tens.
Chapter 20: Ten Tricks for Saving Money.
Chapter 21: Ten Gadgets, Gizmos, and Gimmicks to Make Weddings a Whiz.
Chapter 22: Ten Tacky Temptations We Beg You to Resist.
Chapter 23: Ten Ideas to Make a Wedding Special.
Chapter 24: Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage from Couples Who Know.
Book Registration Information.
In This Chapter
Quick quiz: Have you and your intended agreed -- or at least compromised -- on the wedding you want? Do you have a preliminary head count? Have you set a realistic budget? Has at least one of you broken down in tears? If not, consider going to Chapter 1 and practicing your exercIZEs.
Where you get married reflects your style, taste, and priorities. Whether you choose a religious ceremony in a local house of worship followed by an old-fashioned reception at home, or invent new traditions some place far away, finding a tie-the-knot spot is one of the first things to cross off your list because the hot spaces (or venues) are often booked a year in advance. In popular resort areas, hotels and other lodgings fill up quickly as well. And, of course, until you know where you're getting married, moving on to other decisions, such as ordering invitations and finalizing the menu, is impossible.
Start with the big picture, narrowing down the location by region, state, city, and finally venue. As we mentioned before, money is power, so you need to take into account who's covering the cost and where they want to have the wedding. Consider also who may actually come (which is not always the same as whom you want to come) and how far they have to travel. Where do most of your friends live? Your relatives?
Tradition favors having the wedding in the bride's hometown over the groom's. But that's not always feasible or desirable.
If neither of you have roots in your present community, you may opt for neutral territory or a favorite vacation spot. However, are you prepared to pay guests' travel costs, or are your guests well-heeled enough to cover the expense? How often are the local airports shut down due to weather? And if you're looking at a resort town, are peak-season costs exorbitant? Often, two cities that appear equal in every other way vary greatly in cost of living. (See Chapter 19 on planning destination and long-distance weddings.)
For planning an out-of-town wedding, a phone book from the local area is indispensable. You can order consumer yellow pages for any city from US West (one of the seven Baby Bells) for $7 to $40. Call 800-422-8793. (You can also peruse Yellow Pages online or on CD-ROM. See Chapter 21 for details.)
If you're planning a religious ceremony, hold off on booking anything until you clear the dates, location, and timing with the priest, rabbi, or minister you want to have officiate. A clergyperson may deem your ceremony plans inappropriate for reasons you never dreamed of such as secular music, contemporary readings, or your "edited" version of the traditional vows.
Should you come upon a church or synagogue within reasonable proximity of your reception, don't expect to be able to just walk in and book it as if it were a catering hall. Many sensitive issues are involved. If you have a relationship with a clergyperson or other official religious authority through your family or as a couple, enlist his or her help in communicating with the powers that be at the house of worship you're interested in.
Before you set out on a wild goose chase, spend some time amassing as much material on various locations as possible. As your vision becomes clearer, all these tidbits of information should naturally gravitate to one of two piles: gold mine or utterly irrelevant piffle.
You can find information about wedding sites in a wide range of places, including:
Your own attitude plays a key role in your search for an original, magical place to get married. Think of yourself as the Woodward and Bernstein of the wedding set, meaning:
If you're not going to be married in a house of worship, you need a place to have a ceremony, a cocktail hour (if you have one), and a reception. Your first choice should be a site that can handle all three.
Finding versatile spaces is not easy. Consequently, you may need to turn a room. This banquet term refers to resetting a room for another function. A space that must double for ceremony and cocktail area requires that chairs be moved and bars unveiled while guests are in the room. If the ceremony and reception are in the same room, guests are ushered to a separate cocktail area while the ceremony room is turned.
An elaborate decor may involve extra labor costs to be expedited or may be impossible to carry off in the time between ceremony and reception. Your decor concept should not dictate the length of the cocktail hour. Sculpting miniature English gardens on each table, for example, may take an inordinately long time. By the time they're seated, some guests may be too sloshed to notice or care whether they have a rose tree or a redwood towering above them.
Consequently, even if getting married in a house of worship is not a priority, you may opt to have the ceremony and reception at different locations to avoid any room-turn awkwardness. Doing so, however, means extra expense:
What's more, the timing between the two sites must jibe. If the ceremony ends at 5:30 and the reception space, which is 35 minutes away, will be ready at 6:45 (need a calculator?), don't think you can fudge it. Invariably, your guests will arrive 20 minutes before the space is set -- in time to see the band lugging their amplifiers across the dining room floor. (Horrors!) (For a sample wedding day schedule, see Chapter 18.)
Two catering concepts worth knowing are on premise and off premise. In hotels, restaurants, private clubs, and banquet establishments, the catering services are in-house or "on prem." For lofts, private homes, museums, galleries, and so on, you need to hire an off-premise caterer. Some of these spaces have lists of caterers they either allow or recommend. Whether you've fallen in love with a particular off-premise space or have designs on a brilliant caterer, be certain they can work together. By the same token, keep in mind that sometimes great food and a gorgeous on-premise space are mutually exclusive. If you feel the food is equally or more important than the space, start by finding a caterer, who in turn may lead you to the space. (See Chapter 8 for finding a great caterer.)
If you have your eye on a private club, you need to be sponsored by a member or a member of a club that has a reciprocal agreement. This can be a catch-22 because often the club won't let you peruse the site without first having a sponsor -- and how are you to find a sponsor without finding out who the members are? In addition to having an in-house caterer, clubs may have stringent or seemingly peculiar rules.
The phone interview lets you preview the service you may receive. Do they return calls promptly? Do they seem flexible or are they more "take it or leave it" in attitude? Do you get a sense they would be happy (not desperate, just pleased) to host your wedding? Are they too busy to talk to you? Condescending? Rude? Evasive?
In the initial phone call:
Once you've done your preliminary nosing around, investigate spaces with your fiancé(e), or a close friend whose opinion you trust. Don't take your parents or future in-laws on this qualifying round. You want to have intelligent, researched responses to the possible downsides before they spot them and panic.
Two ways to pay
Catering halls, restaurants, hotels, and banquet facilities often offer space-food-liquor packages, so asking about one without considering the others is almost impossible. The terms to know are:
When you go to see a space, take copious notes. Ask for brochures and to see photos of other events that have taken place there. If none are available, snap a few photos -- but ask permission first because some places consider their layout and decor proprietary information. Do this because by the time you've seen the 12th place on your first free weekend (ha!) you will not remember which hotel had the deep green walls you hated or the fluorescent lights reminiscent of a New York subway station.
Remember, you're still in the preliminary stages; listen to your gut feelings. This is not the time to start thinking about how you could transform a space you basically don't like. If the place depresses you, move on. This reconnaissance mission is exhausting enough without getting into minutia or taking the entire two-hour tour with the banquet manager out of politeness.
Keep a grip on your demeanor. Yes, we encourage you to be an educated consumer, but this is no time to launch into your Ralph Nader impersonation. Behave rationally and professionally, not suspiciously. Try not to display infectious briditis or groomitis. Food and beverage personnel are people, too. And if you wind up holding your wedding there, they will remember you, for better or worse.
In determining whether a space is large enough for various parts of your wedding, take the venue's numbers with a grain of salt. Not that banquet managers would lie, but their job is, after all, to fill spaces with warm bodies. Ask for floor plans and diagrams of table configurations. Whipping out a tape measure doesn't hurt either. Here are some general rules, which also apply to tents:
Ask very specifically about what parts of the space are available. You may have in your mind's eye that the inn's exquisite rose garden would be the perfect place to take pictures, only to find out, the day of the rehearsal, that it's actually off-limits.
You're serious about the space? Time for more questions -- lots of questions! Some apply to hotels and the like; others are useful for a rental space.
Many places refuse to hold tastings of their menus for "shoppers," and we do empathize. Producing a meal for two (or four) is both costly and labor intensive, especially for off-premise caterers. We feel, however, that once you have booked the facility or caterer, you are entitled to a tasting, and you should negotiate this up front before signing the contract. If the food is not up to par, you are entitled to tastings until it is (but beware of this warning sign).
As you question a prospective caterer or banquet manager, get a clear idea of the rules regarding drinks, as that affects overall cost and logistics. (For a complete run-down of your bar needs, see Chapter 10.)
While your sunny little hamlet may seem perfect for a wedding, the only time to really assess its appropriateness is during a monsoon. That said, consider these questions:
Although at-home and estate weddings can be utterly picturesque, that they are simple or inexpensive is a myth. The reason: You usually have to rent a tent. Because most houses lack a ballroom or indoor tennis court that can accommodate row upon row of chairs -- unless you limit the guest list to a handful of deserving souls -- at least part of the wedding must take place outdoors. Putting up a canopy is neither costly nor complicated, but a flimsy awning does absolutely no good if it's raining, freezing cold, or stifling hot. The only way to be absolutely secure is to have a full-fledged tent.
Make sure your property has an appropriate spot to put the tent. If your backyard resembles the Badlands, erecting a tent without flooring is risky. Floors can be prohibitively expensive because of the labor, but here's the conundrum: Not having a floor leaves you vulnerable to potential fiascoes -- off-balance tables and chairs, an uneven dance floor, and, most ruinous, water seepage. A downpour on your wedding day isn't the only weather report you have to worry about. If it has rained recently, water seeps up from the ground, even if the tent is on a hill. Add a hundred pairs of high heels poking divots in the lawn and so much for the verdant expanse that made you decide your home was the perfect spot for the most important day of your life. (Anyone for a little white-water rafting?)
You need an additional tent for the caterer. And where you have more than one tent, you need canopies and walkways between them.
Consider how you will light and decorate the tent. Even if you plan something simple, you're looking at a great white expanse punctuated by glaring industrial tent poles. Disguising all of this can be heart-stoppingly expensive. (See Chapter 11 for tent-decorating ideas.)
Tents generally come in one of three designs, as shown in Figure 2-1:
Heating, albeit primitive, is affordable, but air conditioning is very expensive and energy-scarfing. Anybody who has been to a tent party where the power conked out will urge you to spring for a back-up generator. Just be sure to place it far enough away so guests don't have to shout over the incessant hum. If you are imagining the drama of a starlit sky though a clear tent ceiling, keep in mind that without air conditioning tents tend to fog up and under a sunny sky can turn into hot, miserable terrariums.
Tent contracts are particularly tricky. Suppliers usually erect tents several days before a wedding, so even if you (bravely) believe the weather forecast is so unfailingly positive that you do not want to have the tents erected at all, you must still pay 50 percent or more of the estimated bill to cover labor, on the assumption that the tent supplier turned away other jobs for your wedding. You usually have a 48- to 72-hour window for a final decision (as specified in your contract) regarding whether to connect tents and canopies. For these you usually pay only 25 percent of the deposit if you decide not to have them erected.
In the category of little-facts-you-never-dreamed-you-would-need-to-know-but-aren't-you-glad-we're-printing-them-here, the toilet situation requires utmost attention. Just like parking, coat room organization, and guest transportation, bathrooms should not be an afterthought. People are often loath to spend money on such an unglamorous detail of their wedding, but adequate and "commodious" toilet facilities are a crucial aspect of hospitality.
When renting portable toilets, keep in mind that each one is good for a maximum of 125 uses. As a general rule, an average person uses the toilet once in three hours. If you have 500 guests for three hours, you need four toilets (500 ÷ 125 = 4). If they are staying for six hours, you need eight toilets.
Designate one set of toilets for men and another for women. Even if the guest ratio of men to women is one to one, have more toilets for women because they, as everybody knows, take longer. At all costs, you want to spare your guests mistaking a long snaking bathroom line for the conga line.
Portable toilets range from rustic construction-site designs to trailers fully outfitted with toilet stalls, mirrors, sinks, and faux marble vanities. Whichever you choose, having tented walkways and a separate lighted tent for portable toilets (especially for evening weddings) makes sense.
Even if you have enough toilets in your house, be sure to double check the septic situation. You often have to drain septic tanks beforehand so that your restrooms can accommodate the number of guests.
Anticipating special needs
If you have guests who are elderly, handicapped, or ill, make them as comfortable as possible. That means making sure the ceremony and reception -- including portable toilets -- are wheelchair accessible and provide transportation when necessary. Because people who can't see or move well can often get left out of the fun, be especially gracious by seating them in places of honor, devoting quality visiting time with them, and appointing someone to keep on top of special hospitality needs.
Posted May 20, 2002
The intro to this fabulously helpful book recommends that you have an oft-married older sister plan your wedding; but, barring that, read this book. The authors address every type of wedding or reception and make no assumptions about budgets, religion, tradition or even the gender of the participants. Their tips range from the practical (what you should ask the caterer) to the anal (how to build a spreadsheet that will contain all the info you'll ever need about your guests) to the fanciful (if money is no object, how 'bout this centerpiece?). My mother said that international summits had been less organized than my wedding. My best friend said that she'd never been to a more beautiful ceremony. My brother thought I'd spent a fortune on flowers and linens. It was all because of this book!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.