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Weekends at Bellevue

Weekends at Bellevue

3.8 86
by Julie Holland

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Julie Holland thought she knew what crazy was. Then she came to Bellevue. For nine eventful years, Dr. Holland was the weekend physician in charge of the psychiatric emergency room at New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. In this absorbing memoir, Holland recounts stories from her vast case files that are alternately terrifying,



Julie Holland thought she knew what crazy was. Then she came to Bellevue. For nine eventful years, Dr. Holland was the weekend physician in charge of the psychiatric emergency room at New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. In this absorbing memoir, Holland recounts stories from her vast case files that are alternately terrifying, tragically comic, and profoundly moving: the serial killer, the naked man barking like a dog in Times Square, the schizophrenic begging for an injection of club soda to quiet the voices in his head, the subway conductor who watched a young woman pushed into the path of his train. 

Writing with uncommon candor, Holland supplies not only a page-turner with all the fast-paced immediacy of a TV medical drama but also a fascinating glimpse into the inner lives of doctors who struggle to maintain perspective in a world where sanity is in the eye of the beholder.

Editorial Reviews

One wonders how Julie Holland did it. For nine years, she worked the infamous weekend night shift at New York's Bellevue Hospital, not only the oldest public health institution in the country but also its famously busy psychiatric facility. Every night, dozens of patients were brought in: "slashers," "jumpers," "overdosers," suicidal bag ladies, people running naked on the street. The staff must quickly evaluate them, cope with their problems as best they can, and send them back into the margins of society. Dr. Holland's Weekends at Bellevue re-creates a place where even TV writers would not dare to go.
Publishers Weekly
In this disjointed memoir, Holland describes her nine-year odyssey as a doctor on the night shift at New York City's Bellevue hospital, a name that has become synonymous with insanity. Holland met a bewildering assortment of drunks, sociopaths, schizophrenics and homeless people malingering in hope of a warm place to crash. As the physician in charge of the psychiatric emergency room, the hard-boiled Holland acted as gatekeeper, deciding who would be sent upstairs to the psych ward, to Central Booking or back to the streets. The book also covers Holland's personal life from her student days as a wannabe rock star to her psychotherapy sessions, her sexual escapades and her marriage and birth of her children. Holland captures the rhythms and routines of the E.R. with its unbearable suffering, petty jealousies and gallows humor. She is less successful at maintaining any kind of narrative continuity. Chapters generally run only a couple of pages and often depict random anecdotes that most likely sound better than they read. (Oct.)
Kirkus Reviews
Psychiatrist Holland recounts nine years working the weekend shift in the emergency room of one of the nation's iconic psychiatric hospitals. When she started her job at the Bellevue psych ER, 30-year-old Holland (editor: Ecstasy: The Complete Guide, 2001) was single, intelligent and tough. Prisoners in chains, battered women, the homeless, desperate and delusional-all became an exercise in how quickly a patient could be treated and released. Readers meet an endless procession of these broken souls, some more sympathetic than others, and get a sense of the difficulty of the author's job. Holland describes how the staff competed to identify which patients were feigning symptoms to score a warm bed and hot meal, until the author, shaken after a scary incident, realized that "even the lying patients are still coming to the hospital because they are in need. Don't send them away empty-handed." Unfortunately, few of the patients' stories are particularly memorable, and Holland misses countless opportunities to make them so. Because she is so focused on her journey from tough girl to "working mother of two with a heart of mush," the take-home message from each of these vignettes, when there is one, almost always relates only to the narrator-who, despite this, does not come across as a particularly self-aware storyteller. There are some moving moments of genuine insight, but they are dulled by so much extraneous detail that everything starts to feel arbitrary. A more focused narrative, with half as many patients whose stories carried twice as much weight, would have made for a much stronger book. Despite a promising premise and a few fascinating stories, the book is ill-focused and overlong.Agent: Kirsten Manges/Kirsten Manges Literary
From the Publisher
“A gem of a memoir . . . Holland takes us for a ride through the psych ER that is at once wild and poignant, a ride that leaves deep tracks in even the healthiest of minds.”—Katrina Firlik, M.D., author of Another Day in the Frontal Lobe

“An extraordinary insider’s look at the typical days and nights of that most extraordinary place, written with a rare combination of toughness, tenderness, and outrageous humor.”—Andrew Weil, M.D.

“Unforgettable . . . tells a mean story.”—New York Daily News
“The tension between [Holland’s] macho swagger and her shame at the harsh way she occasionally treats patients gives this memoir extra intrigue.”—Psychology Today
“A fascinating portrait . . . Holland is a good storyteller with a dark wit.”—New York Post
“Equal parts affecting, jaw-dropping, and engrossing.”—Booklist

“In Weekends at Bellevue [Julie Holland] tells the story of her own journey through medical school, residency, and beyond, and at the same time gives us startling insights into minds so damaged, human beings rendered so helpless by their own demons, that entities resembling souls can’t help but shine through. It’s a thrilling and meaningful trip. As I turned the pages I found myself thinking, over and over, Oh, poor novelist that you are, you really can’t make this stuff up.” —Michael Cunningham, author of The Hours and Specimen Days

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Mother Nature’s Son  

On a warm day in early spring, two New York City cops and two EMS workers roll a gurney down the hallway, escorting a man to the entrance of Bellevue’s psychiatric emergency room, where I work. Lying on the stretcher underneath a white sheet, with a head of dirty blond hair beaded and dreadlocked, he is naked, sunburned, and screaming. I walk out to greet my new patient as the drivers hand me his paperwork to sign.
“What’d you bring me?” I ask eagerly. I can see he’s a live one. I love the live ones.  

Over the shrieking, one of the EMS guys gives me “the bullet,” the few pieces of relevant information when introducing a patient to a doctor: age, chief complaint, pertinent history. “This is Joshua Silver. Twenty-three. No significant medical history, no allergies, no meds. Also, he denies a psych history,” he says archly, shooting me a look.  

“And how’d he get to you guys? Who called 911?”  

“NYPD called in an EDP.” This is cop-talk for a psychiatric patient: emotionally disturbed person. “He’d taken off his clothes in Times Square and was parading around, barking like a dog. And growling,” he adds.  

This gets the patient’s attention, and he interrupts the driver to clarify, “It was my way of showing them that I was not an animal. I am not a dog!”

  Barking and growling to prove he is not a dog? His logic is lost on me, but at least he’s stopped yelling and started communicating.

  “You can talk to me,” I say, turning my full attention toward him.  

“See, there were some guys from Nation of Islam preaching on the corner, and they told a woman who was arguing with them that she was just a dog—God spelled backwards—to which I took offense.” He then explains to me, as he did to them, that all people are art. “ ‘Thou art art,’ I told them. ‘Once you accept that all people, all objects, are art, you will live in heaven as I do.’ ”  

“You know what, Joshua?” I ask, having decided it is time to move out of the triage area and into the locked area. “I think you and I should go talk about this inside.” I want us to sit in an interview room so I can try to get some more history, and I don’t feel like standing over him while he lies on a stretcher. I can already tell he’s an admission and will need to be in the detainable area for patients awaiting beds upstairs.

I let EMS and NYPD know that they are free to leave, and I grab my new patient some hospital pajamas. I help him off the stretcher, wrapping his sheet around him, and walk him into the larger, locked part of the ER. As I escort him through the entrance, the door clicks definitively behind us, and I hope he doesn’t notice that he is now locked in. Because he is naked, we can dispense with the contraband search, which is good. The search is often the point where people become uncooperative and agitated, ending up restrained and medicated.  

Prior to entering the detainable area, a patient must remove his belt, shoelaces, rosary beads—anything that can be used to hang himself or choke a fellow patient. Inevitably, the patient will insist that he is not suicidal or dangerous, but it doesn’t matter; these items are not allowed in the detainable area. Neither are cell phones, crack pipes, backpacks, knives, pens, wallets, and the list goes on. The patient has to give up just about everything along with his freedom.  

Luckily, Joshua is oblivious. I show him to the bathroom where he puts on the pajamas quickly. I alternate between keeping an eye on him and setting up the interview room. There are several windowed rooms within the detainable area, each with a desk and two chairs. I put my chair closer to the door. As we settle into our talk, the first thing I notice is that although he is disheveled, he seems well-educated with an impressive vocabulary. He tells me he has written a twenty-eight-page manuscript, which he calls a prose-poem, based on his newly embraced credo that everything is art. He is hoping to reach millions of people by delivering his manifesto on the Howard Stern show on K-ROCK, a radio station in the city.  

“I am a holy man,” he tells me, explaining how his writing has elevated him to this level. “I feel like King Arthur in a tower of Babel.” He is hyper-verbal, spewing non sequiturs. I try to keep up with him, playing follow the leader, as if we are hopping from rock to rock in a rushing stream, but he is pulling far ahead of me. Eventually, I have to tell him he’s not making a lot of sense.  

“Joshua, you need to slow down. I want to understand what you’re saying, but it’s difficult for me. I’m focusing on the illogical connections that you’re making…”  

It sounds like “theological connections” to him, and his smile beams; he’s pleased that I’ve grasped his religious message. I don’t bother to correct him.  

Being preoccupied with religion is a classic manic symptom, and mania is the better-known half of manic depression, now called bipolar disorder. In a manic state, people have less desire for sleep; they will talk more, create more, do more. Commonly, bipolar patients get hyper-religious in their newfound frenzy and sometimes end up on a street corner and then a psych ER explaining that they are Jesus or the Messiah, or that they’ve discovered a new religion. They’ve been touched by the Lord who spoke to them. They’ve had a vision, an epiphany, and they want to share it with the world. Their grandiosity can be charismatic and alluring. Religions and cults are formed around this kind of energy, and I’m happy to warm myself by Joshua’s fire during the interview.  

In March and April, our ER becomes crowded with manic patients. For many bipolars, there is a seasonality to their symptoms. Just as more people get depressed in the winter months, increased exposure to bright sunlight can elevate moods. Also, the air is heady with religious themes during spring, when Easter and Passover coincide. The resurrection is reenacted in the budding trees and sprouting flowers, miraculously coming to life where once lay a blanket of snow. We get multiple Jesuses in the ER this time of year.  

Joshua’s pressured speech is another sign of his mania. It rambles hither and yon, like a butterfly dancing merrily among the flowers, setting down briefly on the themes of religion and art as if they were particularly colorful blossoms. I try to join him in his wordplay, to engage him gently in the hopes of learning more about him: where he’s from, where his parents are, and whether he’s stopped his medication, which is a good bet. Most of the manic patients who come through our doors have gone off their meds. The mood stabilizers have significant side effects, and people are often resentful about having to use them. Also, mania usually feels better than being medicated, at least for a while. It’s a bit like surfing, knowing it has to end with the inevitable wipeout, but loving the balancing act required to keep it going.

  Most of our patients battle with their need for medications. When they start to feel better, they abandon their treatment plan, thinking they’re cured. Even if they know they’ll get sick again, they hate taking the pills so much that they stop anyway. Coming through our doors is a painful and humbling lesson in how to manage their illness.  

“Joshua,” I begin yet again.  

“I fought the battle of Jericho.”  

“I’ve heard that about you, yes.” I smile. “Are you from Jericho?” I ask earnestly.

  “No, I don’t think so.”  

“Or maybe a town near there? You took a bus to New York City from where?” I ask. “Can you tell me where your parents live? Is there anyone who might be worried about you, who doesn’t know where you are?”  

A town near Jericho? What the hell am I thinking? I’ll tell you: I am trying to meet him where he is, to work within his delusions and focus on what’s important to him, and then gently lead him out to where I am, in reality. This is one definition of psychotic—broken with reality. He lives in a dream, but his hallucinations and delusions are as real to him as the movies we star in while we sleep.  

Despite my coaxing, I can’t get anything useful out of him. I want to find his parents because I need to talk to someone who knows him to learn whether he’s been sick like this before. And I want to let them know that he’s been found. I’ve made dozens of phone calls to parents of the bipolar kids who end up on our doorstep. We get plenty of “first breaks” at Bellevue, the first episodes of psychosis that often herald the arrival of bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. They tend to occur in the late teens or early twenties. This is when the brain is pruning back and reorganizing connections made throughout adolescence, and also when everything is getting more challenging: starting college, joining the army, traveling. Sometimes, during these phone calls, I hear about how bright and promising their children were before they got sick. Other times, when it’s not the first break, but the latest in a long series of them, the parent on the phone is terse and angry, burned-out, tired of being woken up in the middle of the night to answer the same questions from yet another psychiatrist. In many ways, that’s easier for me to deal with than the heartbreak of talking to the “new” parents, giving the first diagnosis, gingerly explaining the illness and its treatment, knowing as I do that they may be in for decades of calls from ER docs.  

But tonight there is no phone conversation with the Silvers. Joshua won’t even acknowledge that they exist, and I have nothing to go on but his manic ramblings. He tells me he’s come to New York City with three dollars in his pocket and nowhere to stay. Knowing no one in the city, he made his way from the Port Authority bus terminal to the K-ROCK radio station at five a.m. in order to spread his message. When I first started my job at Bellevue, I heard the Port Authority referred to as The Port of Atrocities, because EMS brought us such sick people from there. That name stuck with me throughout my tenure at the hospital.  

Joshua continues, chronicling the events of his day. After K-ROCK turned him away, he spent the rest of the morning sleeping in Central Park. Later in the afternoon, the police in the park told him to move on, and gave him a tip: Try hanging out around Forty-Second and Broadway. Wandering around Times Square, he happened upon some teens entertaining the tourists by playing drums on overturned white plastic buckets. He danced for them, and the tourists threw him money and took his picture.  

“You know how there’s cops there on horses? They let me pet the horses; they seemed cool about me touching the animals, and the tourists took my picture again!” He seems impressed that he’d become a tourist attraction himself.  

“Well, weren’t you naked by then?” I remind him.  

He admits that he must have been by this point, but then begins to digress into a tirade against photographers, who, instead of living life and immersing themselves in their surroundings, only interact superficially by documenting the scene.  

“You may have a point there,” I offer. I think of my boyfriend the photographer whom I confronted with exactly this accusation not so long ago.  

My patient perceives me as a friend and ally because I am aligning with him, chatting agreeably rather than asking the standard annoying psychiatrist questions. There’s no need for those as far as I’m concerned—he’s a definite admission. The only is whether I can get him to sign in voluntarily or will have to fill out the 9.39 paperwork for commitment.  

The criterion for a 9.39 is danger to self or others, or an inability to care for self. If a patient doesn’t fit this narrow definition, he needs to sign in voluntarily. A frustrating situation often develops in a family when a patient clearly needs psychiatric help but is unwilling to agree to a hospitalization. In Joshua’s case, I can probably justify the danger-to-self scenario. He can’t fend for himself while he’s psychotic like this: He’s on the street with three dollars in his pocket—that is, when he’s got his pants on—eating and drinking nearly nothing.  

Could severe dehydration and low blood sugar be affecting his behavior? Is he high from LSD or PCP? My money is on mania, the “working diagnosis,” but it’s my job to second-guess myself. If it’s drug-induced, he’ll come down in a day or so, but the mania won’t de-escalate that rapidly. I can ask the nurses to obtain a urine sample to be tested for PCP—phencyclidine—a tranquilizer called Sernyl, once FDA-approved but now illegal. When people are high on PCP, they frequently disrobe and run amok. There is a saying among toxicologists that “naked running is PCP until proven otherwise.” Since Joshua presented to the ER naked and disorganized, I figure I should at least send for the test.  

If I could just talk to his parents, I’d get a sense of his history—whether he’s been depressed or manic before, and what meds work best for him. Of course, he won’t offer me any telephone numbers for his family, only for K-ROCK, a number he knows by heart. He still wants Howard Stern to broadcast his manifesto.  

I push forward on my chosen tack: schmooze-fest. I tell him I admire his theory that people are art. I share his appreciation for the perfection of all he surveys, of the complexities and magic in the world around us. Like being high on hallucinogens, mania can provide a sense of wonder and awe at the realization of how the universe works. It’s easier to access the macro, to pull back and see the big picture. Often there is a feeling that “everything is connected,” a realization in common with experiences on psychedelics and with mystical religious epiphanies. There are likely neurochemical similarities between the mystical, psychedelic, and manic states.  

At Bellevue, I am repeatedly shown the big picture, taught that there is more than one way to look at just about everything. When I open my ears and mind to the “ravings of a madman,” I’m reminded to pay more attention, to Be Here Now. Everywhere we choose to see it, the world is full of splendor and wonderment. I’ll never forget the manic teenage boy who tapped my shoulder in the detainable area, excited to explain to me that, “We’re part of this huge experiment. All of us are under one microscope, being observed and studied. You know where the eyepiece of the microscope is?” he asked me, his pupils dilated with enlightenment. He pointed to the ceiling, “It’s what you call the sun.”  

From the Hardcover edition.

Meet the Author

Julie Holland, M.D., is a psychiatrist specializing in psychopharmacology. An assistant professor of psychiatry at NYU School of Medicine, she spent her weekends running the psychiatric emergency room at Bellevue Hospital for nine years. She is the editor of Ecstasy: The Complete Guide–A Comprehensive Look at the Risks and Benefits of MDMA. She lectures widely and has been quoted in Time, Harper’s, Slate, the Los Angeles Times, and The Wall Street Journal. Holland has appeared as a medical expert regarding mental illness and drug use on numerous television shows, including Today and Good Morning America. She runs a private practice in New York City and lives with her husband and two children in the Hudson Valley.

From the Hardcover edition.

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Weekends at Bellevue 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 86 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
There is a lot of truth in the other reviews here. But whether we like it or not this book is also true to life. Holland showed her cards in this book. It all rang true for me. Every bit of it. The narcissism, weariness, fear, heartache, anger at malingerers and the onslaught of life among the mentally ill. All she left out, really, was the politics of mental health care. I spent years in a similar psychiatric triage setting and love psychiatry even more now than when i started residency 23 yrs ago. All she really failed to show here was enough of the compassion that quite likely drove the writing of this book as much as did her desire to promote herself. And perhaps she doesn't realize either that her experiences are not unique. Worth reading.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It is NOT your average doctor who pulls aside the Wizard of Oz curtains and reveals herself as a fallible human being, wrestling with her own issues all the while taking the reader on an E-Ticket (the BEST rides at Disneyland) ride through her 9 years as ER doc on the weekends at Bellevue. Fabulously brave and incredibly heartfelt, it is a testament to what it actually takes this person to navigate, personally and professionally, caring for those who, for whatever reason, are severely mentally ill in so many different manifestations, and attempting to solve each puzzle as it lands in the ER. It also highlighted the thin line between sanity and insanity that so many successfully walk with the assistance of therapy and medication - really bringing mental health to a level that it should be - acknowledged as just another part of life and not something to hide or be ashamed of. I actually listened to the audio version and enjoyed hearing Dr. Holland read it herself - adding a "scratch n' sniff" dimension that really works for this very real, often funny, often questioning, sometimes sad & frustrating book. A relaxing read it's not - more like a wild ride - so strap on your seat belt!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This intriguing and fast paced look into the world of a psychiatric ER will le.ad you into the complicated world of mental illness.Not only will you observe patients at times of crisis, you will also get to know the doctor who dedicates her life to them. You will see Dr Holland grow from a cocky resident to dedicated professional highly respected in her field .Dr Holland will amaze you with her compassion yet show you her vulnerability as a human being. Meet the one timers, the repats and the homeless that enter the doors of Bellevue.I promise you will be captivated and long remember this book.With times of humor and tears this eye opening journey will be sure to become a favorite.You will learn a new respect for both patient and doctor.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I share her draw to fractured minds, and she quickly drew me in. I was along for the ride, only pausing for my own shifts at the hospital. Brava, Dr Holland, Brava!
Sivia Margareten More than 1 year ago
This doctor is human, in every sense, and this book reminds me of the saying that insanity is a human being's sane response to an insane world. For those people whose minds live in a place that is no longer connected to reality as the majority of us experiences it, it takes someone with spunk and humor to see the value that is covered up when mental illness has taken over and it takes strong will to keep fighting to uncover that value
Summerlove More than 1 year ago
Mrs. Holland gives the reader a view of the event that goes on in the mental department of an emergency room! What doctors and nurses see everyday!!
Walker_Texas_Ranger More than 1 year ago
I first picked up this book because my sister has schizophrenia and I am going into the medical field, but it truely changed how I thought about doctors and just how they are. We all know that even the doctors that help us are just people, even if they can somehow do things that save peoples lives, but this really showed the dirt and the grit, the laughs and tears involved in being a doctor, especially in such a stressful evironment such as where Dr. Holland worked at in Bellevue. It showed how she had to work through issues and truely look deeper at what we take for granted, like is he crazy, or is he just crazy to ME? Who are we to say who is or isn't crazy? and I completely agree, from having to take care of my sister since I was 8 as my parents were gone doing other things. Simply put, a wonderful read, truely gripping at times, and can even change how you look at the world.
PJBradley More than 1 year ago
It's all there ... the grit and the humor, the chaos and the compassion. This is a compelling read.
mattia77 More than 1 year ago
As someone who also works in a hospital, I expected to read a memoir filled with stories about people with mental illness and how this doctor helped them, or at least tried to understand them. Instead what I read was a book written by a callous, egotistical, unsympathetic doctor who seemed to be at Bellvue for an Adrenalin rush and a paycheck. she treats these patients as though they are on a conveyor belt, with no real identity, or finds humor where there is none. After her story of 9/11 and how they drove away from NYC, while others rushed to it, that solidified my disliked of this woman. In one passage she mocks a rich, stuck up woman who comes in and is shouting demands...which is funny, because that pretty much describes her. she is confrontational and not at all sympathetic, completely wrapped up in herself. she talks a lot about how she flirts with everyone...confirming that she really thinks shes something. She also deflects blame through most of the book, as nothing that goes wrong is ever her fault.. Well writing this book, that was definitely her fault. But don;t worry, she can just go to the hospital coffee shop and make it all better. I would never ever read anything by her or about her ever again. I honestly feel sorry for the myriad of patients she "treated".
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book will make you laugh and it will make you cry. It will hold you on the edge until the very end. A most read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I've always been intrigued by Bellevue. This is a great book, i couldn't put it down. I held off finishing it for a few days because I didn't want it to end. The author mentions an HBO documentary and I looked it up,turns out I had watched it years ago.Bellevue seems like a fascinating yet heartbreaking place to work.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This account is the real deal. I've worked in a downtown E.R., worked with the mentally ill, and I refer many patients to pschiatrists for properly targeted medical interventions. I give this read an easy five stars: Good author self-disclosure, good diagnoses & treatment, and well chosen examples.
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