Welcome To Jesusland!


In the sacred and honorable tradition of "The Onion" comes a hilarious and outrageous collection of "church newsletters" that gleefully skewer America's religious right.

Read More Show Less
... See more details below
BN.com price
(Save 8%)$19.99 List Price
Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (25) from $1.99   
  • New (4) from $15.83   
  • Used (21) from $1.99   
Welcome To Jesusland!

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK 7.0
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK 10.1
  • NOOK HD Tablet
  • NOOK HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK eReaders
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
BN.com price


In the sacred and honorable tradition of "The Onion" comes a hilarious and outrageous collection of "church newsletters" that gleefully skewer America's religious right.

Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780446697583
  • Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
  • Publication date: 4/21/2008
  • Pages: 228
  • Product dimensions: 9.25 (w) x 7.50 (h) x 0.48 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Welcome to Jesusland!

(Formerly the United States of America) Shocking Tales of Depravity, Sex, and Sin Uncovered by God's Favorite Church, Landover Baptist
By Erik Walker Chris Harper Andrew Bradley


Copyright © 2006 Chris Harper, Andrew Bradley and Erik Walker
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-446-69758-3

Chapter One

Welcome to Landover Baptist Church

Landover Baptist Church, Jesus' preferred house of worship, was founded in the year of our Lord 1620. Within moments of the Mayflower's hull being ground into Plymouth Rock, Landover's first pastor, Enoch Jeremiah Smithe, rebuked the crew for shoddy navigation, thereby beginning our church's invigorating tradition of constant, ferocious reproach. Pastor Enoch soon announced that he was breaking away from the milquetoast Puritans of Massachusetts for being soft on witches, supping with bottom-baring Injuns and succumbing to satanically effeminate fashions, such as finishing off Godly black clothing with ostentatious white collars.

As He was wont to do with almost tedious regularity, the Lord appeared in the form of a woodchuck or other nut-gathering creature as Pastor Enoch made his way through the New England wilderness. One day, the Lord (this time as a friendly squirrel) called out to Pastor Enoch from the sagging limb of a beech tree, telling him that a "free hold" could be taken on "land over" toward thewest. And that land was absolutely full of acorns!

That evening, all 25 founding members of what was then called the First and Only True Baptist Church in America made their way toward the State of Iowa lot to God (later shortened) because the squirrel had prophesied that if they went much further west, they were bound to run into crazy Mormons. It was God's Will that they settled in a wooded, hilly region that is still known as Freehold. They have remained in this New World Eden for over 300 years, righteously relaying the constant displeasure of the Lord to all who are fortunate enough to pass through.

Landover Baptist Church was abruptly wrenched into the modern age one August afternoon in 1962 when federal authorities wrongly seized our Godly campus and presented young Pastor Deacon Fred with an outrageous edict. The news they gave Pastor could not have been more shocking: We were to be the last people in America to free their slaves. It appears that we were so fastidious in following the Word of God that it had never been brought to our attention that slavery was not only frowned upon outside the Bible, but also had been somehow abolished. Out of the blue, church members were suddenly forced to pay "the help." But when the Lord closes the door on a slaves' shack, He opens an even nicer one on the church's vault. The unexpected cash shortfall led to the discovery of just how much money you can raise in Jesus' name in America if you have access to television. This joyous revelation started Landover on the road to becoming the nation's most prosperous religious industry, with funds more than adequate to support a 152,319-member congregation with 117 pastors and 212 fulltime paid deacons. Since that day over forty years ago, the liberal media has salivated like a consumptive demon over our every move. But such persecution doesn't surprise us in the least. The Bible tells us that if we follow Jesus, the world will hate us. And from the looks of things, we must be following Jesus a lot.

Enoch Jeremiah Smithe was particularly offended by his fellow settlers' decision to run about like a pack of pansies by embracing the flamboyant craze of sewing enormous belt buckles onto all of their hats.


Excerpted from Welcome to Jesusland! by Erik Walker Chris Harper Andrew Bradley Copyright © 2006 by Chris Harper, Andrew Bradley and Erik Walker. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Be the first to write a review
( 0 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star


4 Star


3 Star


2 Star


1 Star


Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation


  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 22, 2007

    A fantastic (nearly orgasmic) read. A MUST have for all Saved souls

    When you aren't walking across hot coals, speaking in tongues, or handling more than one snake, I highly recommend you read this inspirational work of art. Buy a copy of this book for each room of your house, and place it next to your Bibles. This is a MUST have book for all people of faith! God Bless Betty Bowers and Landover Baptist! Can I get an 'AMEN'?!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)