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Welcome to Jesusland!(Formerly the United States of America) Shocking Tales of Depravity, Sex, and Sin Uncovered by God's Favorite Church, Landover Baptist
By Erik Walker Chris Harper Andrew Bradley
WARNER BOOKSCopyright © 2006 Chris Harper, Andrew Bradley and Erik Walker
All right reserved.
Chapter OneWelcome to Landover Baptist Church
Landover Baptist Church, Jesus' preferred house of worship, was founded in the year of our Lord 1620. Within moments of the Mayflower's hull being ground into Plymouth Rock, Landover's first pastor, Enoch Jeremiah Smithe, rebuked the crew for shoddy navigation, thereby beginning our church's invigorating tradition of constant, ferocious reproach. Pastor Enoch soon announced that he was breaking away from the milquetoast Puritans of Massachusetts for being soft on witches, supping with bottom-baring Injuns and succumbing to satanically effeminate fashions, such as finishing off Godly black clothing with ostentatious white collars.
As He was wont to do with almost tedious regularity, the Lord appeared in the form of a woodchuck or other nut-gathering creature as Pastor Enoch made his way through the New England wilderness. One day, the Lord (this time as a friendly squirrel) called out to Pastor Enoch from the sagging limb of a beech tree, telling him that a "free hold" could be taken on "land over" toward thewest. And that land was absolutely full of acorns!
That evening, all 25 founding members of what was then called the First and Only True Baptist Church in America made their way toward the State of Iowa lot to God (later shortened) because the squirrel had prophesied that if they went much further west, they were bound to run into crazy Mormons. It was God's Will that they settled in a wooded, hilly region that is still known as Freehold. They have remained in this New World Eden for over 300 years, righteously relaying the constant displeasure of the Lord to all who are fortunate enough to pass through.
Landover Baptist Church was abruptly wrenched into the modern age one August afternoon in 1962 when federal authorities wrongly seized our Godly campus and presented young Pastor Deacon Fred with an outrageous edict. The news they gave Pastor could not have been more shocking: We were to be the last people in America to free their slaves. It appears that we were so fastidious in following the Word of God that it had never been brought to our attention that slavery was not only frowned upon outside the Bible, but also had been somehow abolished. Out of the blue, church members were suddenly forced to pay "the help." But when the Lord closes the door on a slaves' shack, He opens an even nicer one on the church's vault. The unexpected cash shortfall led to the discovery of just how much money you can raise in Jesus' name in America if you have access to television. This joyous revelation started Landover on the road to becoming the nation's most prosperous religious industry, with funds more than adequate to support a 152,319-member congregation with 117 pastors and 212 fulltime paid deacons. Since that day over forty years ago, the liberal media has salivated like a consumptive demon over our every move. But such persecution doesn't surprise us in the least. The Bible tells us that if we follow Jesus, the world will hate us. And from the looks of things, we must be following Jesus a lot.
Enoch Jeremiah Smithe was particularly offended by his fellow settlers' decision to run about like a pack of pansies by embracing the flamboyant craze of sewing enormous belt buckles onto all of their hats.
Excerpted from Welcome to Jesusland! by Erik Walker Chris Harper Andrew Bradley Copyright © 2006 by Chris Harper, Andrew Bradley and Erik Walker. Excerpted by permission.
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