What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers

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While observing trainers of exotic animals, journalist Amy Sutherland had an epiphany: What if she used their techniques with the human animals in her own life–specifically her dear husband, Scott? As Sutherland put training principles into action, she noticed that not only did her twelve-year-old marriage improve, but she herself became more optimistic and less judgmental. What started as a goofy experiment had such good results that Sutherland began using the training techniques with all the people in her life,...

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What Shamu Taught Me about Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers

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While observing trainers of exotic animals, journalist Amy Sutherland had an epiphany: What if she used their techniques with the human animals in her own life–specifically her dear husband, Scott? As Sutherland put training principles into action, she noticed that not only did her twelve-year-old marriage improve, but she herself became more optimistic and less judgmental. What started as a goofy experiment had such good results that Sutherland began using the training techniques with all the people in her life, including her mother, her friends, her students, even the clerk at the post office. Full of fun facts, fascinating insights, hilarious anecdotes, and practical tips, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage reveals the biggest lesson Sutherland learned: The only animal you can truly change is yourself.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“Playful, passionate, and practical.”—Redbook

“A compelling argument for using techniques from animal trainers to help change bad habits and improve relationships.”—Atlanta Journal-Constitution

“Sutherland’s a smart, engaging writer, and her stories about the hows and whys of exotic animal training are fun and fascinating.”—Boston Sunday Globe

“Part self-help guide, part animal psychology textbook and part memoir . . . Sutherland has a breezy style.”—New York Times Book Review

“In the little, private zoo known as marriage, it helps to remind yourself that you and your partner are just two bipedal primates trying to get along in intimate co-habitation.”—Globe and Mail

“Wise and pragmatic advice . . . The thing I love most about this book is that every other paragraph, Sutherland’s terrific wordsmithing, compelling logic, and anecdotes about exotic animals make me feel like she’s tossed me a biscuit.”—Martha Beck, author of Steering by Starlight and columnist for O: The Oprah Magazine

“Hilarious and persuasive.”—Good Housekeeping

“Invaluable . . . It succeeds nicely as an animal-training guide, and amusingly as a relationship book.”—Buffalo News

The Barnes & Noble Review
Amy Sutherland's What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage is a literary agent's dream: high concept, self help-y, and including the name of a cute performing whale in the title. What started as a New York Times "Modern Love" column (and one of the Times' most-emailed articles) got snapped up and has stretched into this thin, lighthearted book on applying the techniques of exotic animal trainers to human relationships. Sutherland's experience observing professionals in the field was so profound that, she claims in her introduction, "I have a peace of mind that comes from the world making so much more sense to me." (The money from a movie deal probably didn't hurt.) Along the way, she imparts some useful lessons, distilled from training philosophies. The mantra "It's never the animal's fault," for example, tells us that behavior is just behavior and that we shouldn't take it so personally. Another lesson gleaned is that nagging won't get you what you want. To illustrate this point, Sutherland mentions a few too many times her husband's habit of leaving his smelly bike clothes on the floor. Overall, her book offers a calming, less paranoid, and more detached view of romance and marriage than many relationship guides. So next time you find your mate's underwear on the kitchen table, just remember it's never the animal's fault. --Janet Steen
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780812978087
  • Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 4/14/2009
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 192
  • Sales rank: 209,996
  • Product dimensions: 8.02 (w) x 5.20 (h) x 0.41 (d)

Meet the Author

Amy Sutherland is the author of What Shamu Taught me About Life, Love, and Marriage; Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched and Cookoff. Her articles have appeared in The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, and The Boston Globe. She has a master’s degree in journalism from Northwestern University. Her feature piece “What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage,” on which this book is based, was the most viewed and most e-mailed article of The New York Times online in 2006. Sutherland divides her time between Boston and Portland, Maine.

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

People Are Animals Too

As I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. “Have you seen my keys?” he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, hot on his heels, anxious over her favorite human’s upset.

In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined in the hunt while trying to soothe Scott with cheerful bromides like “Don’t worry, they’ll turn up!” Sometimes I’d offer wifely pointers on how not to lose his keys to begin with. Or, if I was cranky, snap “Calm down.” It didn’t matter what I did, Scott typically only grew angrier, and a simple case of missing keys would soon become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring both of us and Dixie, our poor nervous Australian shepherd. Penny Jane, our composed border collie mix, was the only one smart enough to stay out of the show.

Now, I focus on the wet plate in my hands. I don’t turn around. I don’t say a word. I’m using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. With his fair skin and thick chestnut hair, he’s handsome in an angular Nordic way. He’s well read and adventurous, and does a hysterical rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after fourteen years

of marriage. We like many of the same things: dogs, jazz, medium-rare hamburgers, good bourbon, long walks, the color orange. But he can also get on my nerves. He hovers around me in the kitchen when I’m trying to concentrate on the simmering pans, asking me if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker. He finishes off boxes of cookies, especially the dense caramel bars his mother sends from Minnesota, then says “I thought you were done with them.” He leaves wadded tissues in the car. He drives through red lights, calling them “long yellows.” He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness, yet never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. “What did you say?” he’ll shout. “Nothing,” I’ll yell back. “What?” he’ll call again.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they dulled my love for Scott. Sometimes when I looked at him I would see not the lean Minnesotan I adored but a dirty-Kleenex- dropping, hard-of-hearing, prickly cookie monster. At those moments, he was less my beloved husband and more a man-sized fly pestering me, darting up my nose, landing in the sauce on the stove, buzzing through my life.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which usually had the opposite effect from the one I longed for—his size 11 shoes continued to pile up by the front door, he went longer between haircuts, he continued to return empty milk cartons to the fridge. I tried cheerful advice like “You are so handsome, but no one can see it behind your five o’clock shadow.” That usually resulted in another couple of razorless days. I made diplomatic overtures like “What if we each promise not to leave smelly clothes lying around?” “Okay,” my husband would agree good-naturedly, and then walk right past his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor.

I, a modern woman, tried being direct, asking him in a voice as neutral as a robot’s, “Would you please not drive so fast?” Even this approach would backfire as in my simple question my husband might hear an accusation or an order and then push the accelerator a hair more. When all else failed, I yelled, and then we fought.

We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. The counselor, a petite, sharp-boned woman who took notes on a legal pad, didn’t understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I threw in the towel. I guessed she was right—our union was better than most—and resigned myself to the occasional sarcastic remark and mounting resentment.

Then something magical happened. I discovered animal training.

I stumbled into the world of animal training nearly ten years ago when we brought home Dixie, an eight-week-old herding dog, ten pounds of furry red energy. It was as if we had lit a bottle rocket in our house, the way she ricocheted from room to room, a toy or two hanging out of her mouth. I gave up meditating in the morning to begin my daily pursuit of wearing her out. It was a sunup-to-way-past-sundown job. Before I even got dressed or made coffee, I would sit cross- legged on the floor, hold a faux sheepskin rug before me, and call “Get it.” Dixie would catapult herself into the rug and rip it from my hands, her amber eyes afire, and then we’d each tug with all our might. We played that game so much, the rug was eventually reduced to a slobber-encrusted handful of fabric.

I learned to throw a ball properly for the first time in my life, and then a Frisbee. I tossed balls and Frisbees and walked so much I went down a size in pants. Dixie was either tugging, wrestling, or running, or she was fast asleep under a table where we couldn’t pet her. Should we get down on our hands and knees and reach under to pat her, Dixie would look miffed, like an Olympic athlete roused from a power nap, then pull herself to her paws and move just out of reach. Cuddling, from Dixie’s point of view, was for wuss dogs.

Though I think we were a bit of a disappointment to Dixie, the way commoners can be to royalty, we were just smart enough to know that a herding breed needed a job. So we went looking for an agility class, where you learn to run your dog through a whimsical obstacle course of tunnels, jumps, and teeter-totters. At that time, we found only one trainer around Portland, Maine, who taught this crazy skill. Before we could tackle the course, though, we were required to take a puppy training class.

If this trainer had used traditional techniques, the leash-popping and pushing your dog this way and that, I think the story would have ended there. For me, there is little magic nor imagination in that old-school approach. But it was my good luck that the trainer used progressive, positive techniques, techniques based on an altogether different philosophy. Rather than learning to boss our pups around and make them into obedient dogs, we learned to communicate and cooperate with them. She didn’t teach us just how to get our dogs to sit, but rather how to think about our canine companions.

Amid the joyful chaos of puppy class—the barking, the tangled leashes, the marital squabbles—I found an intellectual and personal challenge I hadn’t expected. I found a new me, a me with much more patience and self-control. I learned to be precise and observant. I learned to teach Dixie what I wanted rather than what I didn’t want. I learned not to take anything she did personally, not even when she ripped my shorts in a fit of overexcitement. All this from a six-week puppy training class.

I also began communicating with another species, and you can never underestimate the thrill of that. I signed us up for another class, and another class, and another class. I was hooked. So hooked that when I landed on the Paris set of 102 Dalmatians for a magazine assignment, I spent every spare moment hanging out with the animal trainers, chatting about such things as how they taught a parrot to ride atop a bullmastiff and how they got the dog not to shake whenever the bird’s wings brushed its back. The trainers, to my surprise, had all earned actual degrees in exotic animal training. They had studied at a community college outside Los Angeles. It was the go-to school, they told me, not to mention the only program of its kind. Back home, I taught Dixie to bring in the Sunday New York Times, scribbled down the name of the school, and threw the scrap of paper into my idea folder.

In 2003 I began work on a book about this school. For a year, I commuted between Maine and California, where I followed students at Moorpark College’s Exotic Animal Training and Management Program. There I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teach a caracal to offer its paws for a nail clipping, a camel to shoot hoops, a baboon to get into a crate and close the door behind her. Each day at the teaching zoo was packed with countless lessons, from how to pick up a boa constrictor to how to speak to a wolf. As I observed the students, I essentially became a student too. I learned not to look the primates in the eye, to stride with confident ease while on a cougar walk, and never to stand close to any enclosure, especially not the big carnivores’. I learned that when Zulu the mandrill bobbed his head at me, he was saying “Back off.” That when Rosie the baboon smacked her lips together, she was saying “Hello, friend.” That when Julietta the emu made a thumping noise in her chest, she was worried.

I learned the language of animal trainers, what they meant when they talked about A-to-Bs (teaching an animal to move from one spot to another) or targeting (having an animal press its snout to something). If somebody told me that they had just been grooming with the squirrel monkey, I knew that they had sat close to the cage, held up their arms, and let the monkey run his black fingers over their skin. I learned what a positive count is (making sure the animal is there in its enclosure) and that B.E. stood for “behavioral enrichment,” basically anything that made the animal’s life more stimulating, whether it be a toy or a walk on a leash. Training, it turns out, is one of the things that make an animal’s life interesting. So you could even teach an animal an A-to-B for B.E.

I soaked up their sayings, such as “Go back to kindergarten,” shorthand for when an animal has trouble learning a behavior and the trainer needs to back up a few steps in the training. “Train every animal as if it’s a killer whale” meant to work with every animal as if you could neither forcibly move it nor dominate it. “It’s never the animal’s fault” is pretty much what it says: If an animal flounders in training, it’s the trainer’s fault. One of my personal favorites was “Everything with a mouth bites.” I wrote down that line in all caps, for my research but for myself too. Why? I wasn’t sure exactly. It had a philosophical ring. It was also silly, but made such good, plain sense, a funny reminder of what a great leveler Mother Nature can be. A cute, fuzzy animal will bite you just as easily as a mean-looking one. By the same token, the animal doesn’t care whether you’re as angelic as Mother Teresa or as loathsome as Caligula. Shiny auras, the best intentions, and sainthood don’t mean much, if anything, in the animal kingdom.

So much of what I was learning at the school had meaning beyond the front gate. This place, where the great divide between animals and humans closes, captured my imagination in a way nothing else had. Every visit drove home how complicated, weird, and fantastic the natural world is. I felt my mind crack wide open trying to take it all in.

I trailed the students to class and then out to the teaching zoo grounds where they practiced on a badger or a lion or the mysterious binturong, a rain forest animal that resembles a raccoon on steroids. I watched as one student trained an olive baboon to let her rub lotion on her hands, as another taught a capuchin monkey to unravel its long leash when it became tangled during walks, and yet another instruct the Bengal tiger to get in her kiddie pool on command. I tagged along on field trips, during which I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip or ibis to fly to them. At a private compound in Southern California, I took notes in the fading light of day as six elephants, on command, lined up in a row, urinated, turned to their left in unison, hooked trunks to tails, and, single file, swaggered into the barn for the night. In Cincinnati, I saw a leashed cheetah sit calmly on a desk next to a trainer as she lectured to a bewitched audience. At a conference in Baltimore, I listened as trainers described how they had taught spotted eagle rays to swim to a feeder.

I can’t say the instant it happened, but eventually it dawned on me that if trainers could work such wonders with spotted eagle rays and baboons and dolphins, might not their methods apply to another species —humans? It was not much of a leap for me. By just watching, thinking, and reading about animal behavior, I had discovered a good deal about the behavior of my own species. In a kind of reverse anthropomorphism, I couldn’t help seeing parallels, especially with the primates, but with all the animals, even the turkey vulture, which, like us, sunbathes. True, people are more complicated than animals, but maybe not as much as we assume. As the relatively nascent field of animal behavior continues to grow, more and more research shows that animals are anything but mindless organisms driven solely by instinct. Traits that were considered unique to humans, such as tool use and collaboration, have been found among other primates and now birds and fish. Turns out groupers and moray eels hunt together, and crows are quite handy with a bit of wire.

Complicated or not, we Homo sapiens, the highest of the primates, the tippy-top of the food chain, a frighteningly successful species, are, in the end, members of the animal kingdom, like it or not. Animal trainers showed me that there are universal rules of behavior that cut across all species. Why should we be any different?

I began to take home what I learned at the teaching zoo. If my husband did something that annoyed me, I thought, “How would an exotic animal trainer respond?” If I got into a squabble with a relative, I did the same. If the clerk at the post office gave me a hard time, likewise. That may sound ridiculous. I admit it. In fact, at the start I thought of it as a kind of goofy experiment, but the early results were so convincing that I kept at it.

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Table of Contents

Introduction     xi
People Are Animals Too     3
Any Interaction Is Training     14
The Zen of Animal Training     29
Know Your Species     44
Why I Stopped Nagging     58
The How-tos of Positive Reinforcement     80
Baby Steps     100
The Least Reinforcing Scenario     115
The Joy of Incompatible Behaviors     129
Working with Big Cats     139
Epilogue: Life After Shamu     151
Acknowledgments     161
Glossary     165
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 7 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 7 Customer Reviews
  • Posted December 13, 2011

    Sutherland and The Animal Techniques of Psych 211

    Amy Sutherland hits the orca right on the blow hole in this quick satisfying read. This fun read brings a ray of light of a new way to handle day to day implications with ease instead of anxiety. Amy decides to bring the training techniques of animals into her own life. She makes you see life in a more simplistic view when comparing animal training with daily human interactions. She has a brilliant and easy way of explaining the similarities in the training of animals and the how to¿s in life with her truthful and hilarious personal stories. It makes you realize how easy it is to get the responses you want or don¿t want out of people in life by simple behaviorist methods used by animal trainers. It refers to much of the behavior applications I have recently learned in my Psychology 211. The main term used in both psychology, animal training and real life that the book referred to would be reinforcement. The use of reinforcement is needed to teach most of what the animals learn. It applies to what Amy used in her day to day life for instance as reinforcing her loving husband Scott for finally taking his pile of dirty bike clothes of the carpet and placing them in the hamper bin. There is a strong use of successive approximations which I also learned in class which Amy uses to lure her mother into getting hearing aids by starting out in booking an appointment. The book also refers to extinction where a baboon forgets how to do a back flip on the balance beam after not being reinforced. Sutherland also refers to Skinner and the variable reinforcement schedule explaining how it maintains an animals behavior or in Sutherlands case keeps her excited at the horse races each summer. The book also makes a great reference to punishment by explaining how it is not used in any up to date animal training. The animal trainers also refer to superstitious behavior when they accidently teach an animal a behavior. The animal trainers also use desensitization with the animals such as placing a lion in a crate and allowing him to get used to it. This book is good for all audiences of an adolescence age and up. I think any person can relate to and for the most part comprehend the book. And anyone can learn from the book as well and that¿s the beauty of it. Learning that you can change yourself to better your life. This book applies for all people.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 13, 2014

    Brandon Pfeifle Professor Kanevsky Psych 211 13 May 2014 What S

    Brandon Pfeifle

    Professor Kanevsky
    Psych 211
    13 May 2014
    What Shamu Taught Me About Life Love and Marriage
    Super Fun and Helpful
    It is amazing how the basics of conditioning can change the life around you. The behaviors of yourself and those around you set the tone, pace and rhythm of your world. The idea of clicker training, that you directly appoint stimuli to the appropriate behavior is used within all our everyday reactions. If we like something, we will say something nice usually in response. If we don’t like something, we will either ignore it, or do, or say something to keep the behavior coming. Once we catch on to this pattern, even if we are unaware of the behavioral psychology or animal training terminology we can implement the teachings. The terminology does greatly aid in fully dissecting and then putting the techniques into effect. The idea that you should view all the things as if you cannot physically dominate them, is a great mental and emotional stimulant. It leaves you no other choice, but to try to understand the creature you are dealing with and as a result your must do some soul searching. You must be patient and thoughtful, precise and observant. We can teach what we do want, rather than just what we don’t want. Increasing the likelihood for the desired behavior. To not take personally any mistakes, or misbehavior can aid greatly in enabling oneself to better teach.
    Amy Sutherland gives us wonderful examples of how she implemented the training in her real life. She would provide a sort of negative punishment when she ignores her husbands’ fussing about losing his keys. This was in hopes that he would not misplace them or he wouldn’t make such a fuss and lose his mind when he did. Her nagging, which actually had the opposite effect, from the one hoped for, goes hand and hand with, that within the process of shaping we should ignore the behaviors we would like not to occur. It’s funny how her husband started to use her training techniques on her. This can be a hindrance to our training of new skills. But it also show’s mental development. We just have to be careful not to let our pride get in the way and allow ourselves to be taught even if we are not the teacher. It can be scary and maybe the teacher is going about things wrong, that is when we go back to kindergarten, together!
    The different kind of training terms that were used were fun and go right along with terms used in behavior psychology. B.E. or Behavior Enrichment sounds a lot like reinforcement. A-to-B’s is vaguely like shaping. The phrase, “Go back to kindergarten,” which is shorthand for when an animal has trouble learning a new behavior and thus the trainer needs to back up a few steps in the series of training. I fear this could be interpreted poorly by the trainee if the trainer doesn’t remain positive. But otherwise it is a cute saying and shortens as well as brightens up the idea of backing up and trying again.
    The basics: 1.) Pick a behavior you want to train, 2.) Come up with a few specific goals so that you know what you do and don’t want, 3.) Come up with a step by step procedure to that end quick studies. If something doesn’t work, try to think of something else. What you DO is communication. The Old Fashioned way is punishment for wrong actions, with a very unlikely reward for the correct. The New Age way is no punishment, except no treats of attention, along with rewards of treats, attention or B.E. for correct behavior. Animals and most people are such fast learning, a trainer must be careful. Any interaction is training!

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  • Posted May 17, 2012

    I really enjoyed reading this book. I truly recommend it to stud

    I really enjoyed reading this book. I truly recommend it to students who are psychology majors for this book contains details about animal behaviors and human behaviors. Moreover, the author wrote a book about animal training techniques she learned which she later used on her husband. She eventually told him what she was doing and he was amused. Likewise, he tried it on her but he failed. I thought it was an amusing and well-written book. In addition, it has a detailed ideas that you either feel you can use or pass judgment on. Finally, what I found interesting were the techniques that animal trainers use daily can help improve one’s love life or save one’s marriage.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 22, 2008

    Great, entertaining read!

    Apart from watching Animal Planet and potty training my dogs, I knew very little about animal training. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was light, witty and surprisingly very applicable to my relationships with my pets and my humans. It's definitely worth your time.

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    Posted January 31, 2009

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    Posted January 19, 2010

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 27, 2008

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