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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781481707121 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | AuthorHouse |
| Publication date: | 01/17/2013 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 120 |
| File size: | 166 KB |
Read an Excerpt
What to Do Before You Say "I Do"
Concrete Ideas and Solutions to Create a Great Start in Your Relationship That Carries through Your MarriageBy Susan Ziggy
AuthorHouse
Copyright © 2013 Susan ZiggyAll right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4817-0714-5
Chapter One
It Takes More Than Love
When you ask couples getting engaged or deciding to live together why they are doing that, the answer is always the same. We love each other. But what does that mean exactly? This chapter will introduce why it takes more than love to succeed in relationships.
The divorce rate just under 50% would indicate that love alone will not carry you through the difficult times you will face. Nonetheless, according to the US Census Bureau, there were over two million marriages in 2011. More couples, around 18 percent, are also choosing to live together.
So. Why are people still getting married? The answer is explained in Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs." Dr. Abraham Maslow, who studied and wrote on human behavior, said,
Humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, whether it comes from a large social group or small social connections. They need to love and be loved (sexually or non-sexually) by others. In the absence of these elements, many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. This need for belonging is so strong that it can often overcome the physiological (physical) and security needs, depending on the strength of peer pressure.
This strong need for love and belonging can make you marry out of peer pressure from friends, pressure from parents, or financial security! I say that only to say this: if you understand why you choose certain partners but don't fulfill your human needs, you are likely to not make the best choices for yourself. I will discuss this further in chapter four.
I attended a few of my children's friends' weddings and was very disturbed by how many were divorced after less than five years. They said they loved each other but couldn't get along. The couples didn't know what to expect from their relationships, what roles they were to play. They thought their love for each other would get them through all the daily routines, discussions, and disagreements commonly found in life.
I started asking why these marriages failed and how I could guide others who had just started a serious relationship or had gotten engaged to avoid the same fate. Some of the marriages, based on the information I received from my children, their friends, and my friends, might have been saved had they learned how to honestly communicate—as well as what to expect—before they walked down the aisle.
If I had known what to expect from my first marriage based on reality and not the fairy tale I was hoping for, I would have made better choices. Remember, I am not a counselor or a psychologist; I am a woman who has been divorced and understands the difficulties involved with all types of relationships, marriage, children, economics, and emotions. I sincerely wish I'd had a book like this before I got married the first time!
Chapter Two
Creating Traditions
I start here because traditions will be discussed in every chapter from here on out. You need to have a clear understanding of these to continue. These routines, rituals, and habits will be referred to as traditions because they should be embedded in your relationship just like your cultural traditions are embedded in your family. Cultural traditions include the holidays you celebrate, the occasions on which you do the same thing at the same time, either together or separately. Christmas dinner, Passover Seder, Ramadan fasting, Fourth of July fireworks, Superbowl Sunday—these are just a few cultural traditions that you may or may not observe. Would you break a cultural tradition? Probably not. Do you always feel like participating in these traditions? Probably not. But you do because they are important. Your relationship traditions should not be broken either. That's how important observing traditions are to a successful relationship.
If you start observing these traditions early on in the relationship, it can make the difficult times a bit easier. If you are steadfast, keeping the traditions can even help you avoid conflict about the little things, thus avoiding the big conflicts that usually feed off those little things. These ideas and solutions can make the work of your relationship a little easier.
Establishing traditions might even help in other ways, depending on personality type (discussed in Chapter 4). If you and your partner know specifically what to expect from each other, it can be less stressful on you both. For example, if you create a tradition of throwing a party every year and you or your partner is uncomfortable with parties it will get easier because you are both clear on what part you each play, it can be much easier to cope with the stress that comes from throwing a party.
I find couples with the strongest bond are the ones who have created these traditions during the dating through engagement stage of their relationship. Then they have worked at keeping these traditions alive throughout their marriage.
There are two reasons traditions strengthen the marriage. First, they are something you do on a regular basis (like a good habit). Just like brushing your teeth is a good habit that maintains your health, these traditions will become habits that sustain your marriage.
Second, traditions let the partners know what to expect. Just like work, the more you know what's expected, the easier the work (relationship) becomes. If you show up every day at your job and do your work, you are rewarded with vacation time and maybe a raise. Your relationship is no different. You need to show up every day, participate with your partner, and do your work. The rewards will be a long-term relationship. There is fear in the unknown and there is comfort in knowing what to expect!
Here are examples of traditions that should be started from the time you get this book and then followed daily. Some may call these good manners, but not everyone has good manners. These traditions can change that. These are basic practices that should be locked into your relationship because they establish a foundation of love and respect. And they are free, thoughtful, and easy:
• Always kiss each other hello and goodbye, at minimum; especially when you don't want to. Feel free to just give kisses intermittently.
• Always say please and thank-you! I always thank my husband for dinner when he makes it, and he thanks me. If he forgets, I say, "You're welcome," and then he remembers to say thank-you. You can take bad moments and turn them around immediately just by saying thank-you!
• Say "I'm sorry" when you have upset your partner. Taking responsibility in the relationship is very important and will make both of you feel much better in the long run. If your partner is upset over something else you can still say "I'm sorry you are upset; can I help?" Your concern will be appreciated, whether you can help or not.
• Every time you get up to get a drink or something to eat, ask your partner if they want anything as well!
• Use terms of endearment in address, if you are the type to do that: "Can I get you a drink, sweetie?" Be careful with these because it can come out wrong when you get upset. For example, "Yes, dear!" Or "Okay, honey!" Tone is everything if you don't want your sweet talk to be interpreted as sarcasm.
• Never answer your phones or play with your electronic toys when you're out together. You should have each other's full attention. Your partner should be the most important person you want to talk to! The only exceptions are if you have a babysitter or if you are on-call for work!
Sometimes you have to observe these traditions when you are upset with your partner. But that's why they are traditions and not just nice things to do. Saying "thank you for getting me a drink," even when you are upset or annoyed with each other, can go along way in easing tensions and re-establishing respectful communication. These are a must!
Here are a few other examples of traditions you should start early on:
Date Night
Every successful couple I interviewed stated that Date Night was—and still is—important. This is something to look forward to. It's a day or night you set aside for just the two of you. As mentioned earlier, you should not take cell phones, Blackberry devices, iPads, or other toys. This is a chance for the two of you to reconnect, catch up on weekly events, talk. The only exceptions are: if you have children and your sitter needs to get in touch with you, or your job has you on-call. Anything else should wait until the date is over.
Couples dating or engaged might have the luxury of a weeknight or weekday, but single parents might have only one night to choose from, because of their busy schedules. Whatever you decide, stick to it! Date night becomes even more important as you start to have a family.
Here is something my husband and I did when my children were in their teens. We chose our date night to be Mondays, because the kids were with their dad that night. Every Monday we would struggle over which restaurant to go to. We solved this by picking casual, inexpensive restaurants alphabetically. First week an A restaurant; second week a B, and so on. This always gave us something to look forward to because it was a night out and we wouldn't have to stress over what restaurant. Sidebar: some of the letters in the alphabet were difficult to find (U was tough), so we just changed the rules so that the particular letter we were stuck on just had to be somewhere in the name of the restaurant.
When we were done with the alphabet, we would start over again and try finding a different A restaurant and so on. We had fun and got to try places we would never have thought to go. It gave us new experiences and lots of memories.
Free Traditions
Here are examples of things to do that only require time. You decide how much time your marriage is worth, compromise, and go from there:
• Go for a drive in the city or country. Whichever area you prefer.
• Take a walkin the park, maybe a neighborhood you want to move into. Hold hands!
• Have a game night with just the two of you. Game night with friends would be another night. If you choose this activity, you could practice the game before the friends' game night. My husband and I did this with Pinochle and reading Trivia Pursuit questions!
• Go hiking.
• Go biking.
• Go sit by a lake, ocean, whatever you have close by.
• If you both enjoy photography, take your camera on your outings and take pictures of each other. It can create fun memories, or at the very least, conversations.
• Read the paper to each other. Each of you can read your favorite parts to each other, then discuss what you have read.
• Read a book together—this book is a good one to start with!
• Just sit on your deck, patio, or backyard, just the two of you, and play a game or cards. You could also just talk alone.
• Create a weekly dinner menu then go grocery shopping together.
• Be creative and start something you both enjoy. (See who can throw a ball in a cup (beer pong without the beer); have a dance contest.
My aim here is just to offer crazy, ridiculous ideas to let you understand that, in relationships, sometimes you should be ridiculous—it's a great stress reliever.
When I was a single parent with no funds, we would do those activities as a family. We all loved to put on loud dance music and just go crazy. Fifteen years later, my children still talk about our crazy dance contests.
These are great free activities you can do when and if children come along too, but never include them on date night. Family traditions are different from relationship traditions.
Cost-Based Activities
Here are some examples of things to do that do cost money. They can create great memories and open up new lines of communication. You just need to stay open to trying new things. Remember to take turns with these. If your partner picks something from this list, or you make your own list, take turns.
• Take a cooking class together.
• Learn something together—a language, ceramics, pottery, whatever you or your partner want to learn.
• Take turns picking a movie.
• Take dance classes. (Guys, this really is fun! My husband first said no, because he hated dancing. When we started the classes, however, he started to really enjoy it so much that our date night would be going to clubs and practicing our salsa, tango, or whatever dance we learned that week.)
• Take golf lessons together.
• Go to a sporting event together.
• Vacation once a year. If you decide to have children, take them, but remember during that vacation you still have to have your date night!
• Host a large party annually.
My whole family loved this last one. I always hosted Thanksgiving dinner and the New Year's Eve parties. It was great because no one had to worry about where they were going for the holidays or what they were going to do on New Year's Eve. All the women would be in the kitchen bonding over our traditional jobs while chatting about what was new in everyone's life. We always had the same jobs and brought the same dishes. One sister would bring different desserts every year just for the fun of it! Another sister always mashed potatoes, and a third would make the salad, and so on. It took a lot of pressure off me, because I knew what to expect.
All these traditions can carry over into other are as of your relationship. You will gain more mutual respect, develop a shared sense of humor about the little aggravations, and realize what's important between both of you and with your friends and family.
These traditions are also very helpful if you have a partner who isn't comfortable at large events or parties. I learned this from experience. Once you have the first party, the partner understands their role, knows what to expect, and isn't so anxious or aggravated. After that, they might even look forward to the event, feeling more comfortable—with no fighting involved, because now they enjoy it as much as you.
Money is usually very tight when you are starting out in your relationship. Do whatever your budget allows. At the very least, everyone can afford the free traditions! Date night also goes a long way in showing your commitment to your partner and the relationship. If you have a work conflict on your date night, then stay flexible and have your date on another day or night that week. Don't skip it because it didn't fit into your schedule! Make it fit!
The key is to create whatever activity or time frame works for you both and then make it a tradition that you can both stick too. If it doesn't become a habit, it is easy for both parties to get lazy and stop working at the relationship. And that can be the start of a lot of problems down the road. Traditions are that important in every relationship just like traditions are that important in your culture!
Ask yourself, What happens if you stop showing up daily for your job? Things start to fall apart, don't they? Well, it's no different for your relationship. I realize even keeping a date scheduled can be work and everyone seems to be very busy. But I will say this over and over to make sure you understand the importance of this concept: make the time! A long-term marriage (relationship) is priceless! Divorce isn't!
Traditions can be established at any stage of a relationship. It's easier to start them early, but, it's also never too late!
Chapter Three
Compatibility Survey
Here are some questions you need to explore before saying "I do."
I based this questionnaire on thirty years of observation, targeted interviews, and personal experience. It is important to answer honestly, and discuss your answers with your partner.
These questions were written to determine how compatible you might be. Don't get upset if your answers are not a complete match. You are not supposed to be exactly alike, and the survey was written knowing that you don't want all your answers to match. Just be honest.
You should take the survey together, because it can help promote discussion. The survey is intended to be an important communication tool as well as a compatibility indicator. Take the survey when you have ample time to discuss your answers together. This is an important tool and not to be rushed through.
Make a quick copy of the survey or shorthand the questions on a piece of paper. For example, honest? Patient? Etc. Write your answers to the survey on a separate piece of paper. When you are done, trade answer sheets and read them aloud to each other. If you hear your answers coming out of each other's mouths, you are more apt to understand each other—and yourself—better. There are no right or wrong answers, thus no test anxiety!
1. Do you consider yourself a patient person? (Do you experience road rage; do you get anxious when you have to wait; how quickly do you get upset over something?)
2. Have you lived on your own prior to your partner? (If yes, for how long?)
3. Do you consider yourself an honest person?
4. Do you consider yourself a good listener?
5. Do you consider yourself highly emotional, moderately so, or reserved emotionally? This can be gauged by how often you cry at movies, or get upset because your partner didn't remember your first date (that's highly emotional!).
6. Are you athletic?
7. How important is it to you that your partner is athletic? Very, somewhat, or not at all?
8. Are you competitive?
9. Do you think a regular date night is important for your relationship (making time in your hectic schedules to spend time with just each other)?
(Continues...)
Excerpted from What to Do Before You Say "I Do" by Susan Ziggy Copyright © 2013 by Susan Ziggy. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Introduction....................ixChapter 1: It Takes More Than Love....................1
Chapter 2: Creating Traditions....................3
Chapter 3: Compatibility Survey....................9
Chapter 4: Compatibility....................13
Chapter 5: The 7 Stages in a Relationship....................27
Chapter 6: Myths, Ideals & Fantasies of Marriage....................39
Chapter 7: Creating a Plan....................51
Chapter 8: Ways to Compromise....................61
Chapter 9: Types of Communication....................63
Chapter 10: Games People Play....................67
Chapter 11: Questions to Ask Yourself before Marriage....................75
Chapter 12: Red Flags....................81
Summary....................93
Appendix: Interviews with Couples Who Have Been Married More Than 20 Years....................97