When the Hurt Runs Deep: Healing and Hope for Life's Desperate Moments

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When the Hurt Runs Deep: Healing and Hope for Life's Desperate Moments

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Where Can You Turn for Hope When the Hurt Runs Deep?
At some point in life, every one of us will face the dark pain of heartache and despair, a hurt that pierces so deep we’re left gasping with questions:
Why me? Why now?
What have I done to deserve this?
Will the pain ever go away?
How can God just stand by and let this happen?
What do I have left to hope for?
Writing from insights gained not only through her own valleys of deep hurt but also from years of study and counseling others through life’s heartaches, Kay Arthur shows how pain can be the doorway that leads you to deeper understanding, renewed purpose, and greater intimacy with God. Without glossing over the realities of sorrow, she will guide you through twelve pivotal truths about healing and hurt. These key principles will become anchors for your soul, reminding you that your pain does have purpose, that difficult times can make you more like Jesus, and that there is always hope for the future. Because no matter how deep the hurt, God’s love runs deeper still.

Includes a Study Guide and Prayer Journal to help you draw closer to God.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“A book with this much healing truth could only be written by someone who has experienced profound pain. In When the Hurt Runs Deep, Kay Arthur addresses universal questions about suffering and pain with insights that are candid, practical, and deeply hopeful, offering encouragement and assurance that you are not alone.”
—Gary Smalley, author of Change Your Heart, Change Your Life

“Kay Arthur’s When the Hurt Runs Deep is a beautiful blend of grace and truth. It’s clear, compassionate, biblically grounded, and Christ-centered. As usual, Kay’s words honor and declare God’s Word, which alone can bear the weight of our trust. I’m happy to recommend this outstanding book.”
—Randy Alcorn, author of If God Is Good and The Goodness of God

“Kay Arthur is no ‘dry land sailor,’ no stranger to deep hurt and pain. In the midst of her own dark seasons and desperate moments, she has mined the Scripture and found rich treasures of healing and hope. This book provides encouragement for those who need assurance that God is near to the brokenhearted, that He hears their cry, and that their journey through pain can truly lead to a place of great blessing, joy, and increased fruitfulness.”
—Nancy Leigh DeMoss, author and radio host of Revive Our Hearts

“You won’t be able to put this remarkable book down! Kay Arthur has crafted an invaluable gift for everyone who is seeking healing and hope in the midst of life’s tormenting windstorms—and that’s all of us. With deep insight and profound reassurance, Kay shows us how to connect our deep pain with the ultimate promise of God’s therapeutic love.”
—Les Parrott, PhD, founder of RealRelationships.com and coauthor of You’re Stronger Than You Think

“Kay Arthur knows about emotional pain first hand, both from her own life and from the scores of people she has counseled over the years. Now she brings her vast knowledge of Scripture to bear on this difficult subject in a compassionate and helpful way. Both people who are hurting and all those who counsel such people will find this book useful.”
—Jerry Bridges, author of Trusting God Even When Life Hurts

“I’m not sure I know of anyone more equipped in God’s Word and life experience to write this incredible book. I’ve had a first-hand look at how Kay Arthur has allowed God’s truth to guide her through life’s deepest hurts. She’s no stranger to unexpected and hurtful circumstances, and—good thing for us—she’s also no stranger to Scripture. Your journey through this remarkable book will equip and encourage you to trust in the Lord no matter what life brings your way. Read and be blessed.”
—Priscilla Shirer, author and Bible teacher

“Kay Arthur understands the heartache and pain that life often brings. But more important, she has tasted the healing and freedom—spiritual freedom—that only intimacy with God can bring. This rich work, When the Hurt Runs Deep, will guide you to your strong anchor of hope when the storms of life threaten to overwhelm you, and you too will find healing and freedom.”
—Dr. Tim Clinton, president of the American Association of Christian Counselors

“How easily we forget that we have a written guarantee in Scripture that we will have tribulation in our lives—not only the cosmic, earth-shaking kind that comes with a 9/11 tragedy, but also the kind that rocks our lives personally when the diagnosis is not good, or the husband walks out, or the job is lost. Yet in the midst of all the turbulence stands the Prince of peace, knowing our pain, feeling our hurt, comforting us in our doubt. Kay Arthur, a woman who loves God’s Word, takes us back to the source of true hope and ultimate healing. Be comforted as you read her words to know that, even when hurt runs deep, He is there with His deeper love.”
—Janet Parshall, nationally syndicated radio host and author

“Kay Arthur is one of the most gifted teachers in the kingdom. This book is filled with wisdom she’s gained from teaching and from her in-depth study of Scripture. What a treasure it contains!”
—Chuck Colson, founder of Prison Fellowship and the Colson Center for Christian Worldview

“Kay Arthur is a great friend and an even better human being. Her teaching, speaking, and writing have touched millions globally. When the Hurt Runs Deep is another great investment in the people she loves. This is a profound book because Kay has ‘been there’ and has learned to walk by faith through some very dark valleys. Journey with her as you read these pages, and I can promise you she’ll put your hand in the hand of the One who will bring true healing and hope. This is a great book. Read it and then pass it on to a friend.”
—Dr. Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife

When the Hurt Runs Deep offers healing at the point of your deepest pain and brings hope that one day your suffering will be redeemed in ways you cannot imagine. With wise insights born of personal experience and timeless truth, my friend Kay Arthur offers encouragement and abiding assurance that you are not alone!
—June Hunt, founder of Hope for the Heart and author of How to Handle Your Emotions

From the Hardcover edition.

Library Journal
Prolific author/Bible teacher Arthur (cofounder, Precept Ministries International) here focuses on how to heal oneself of deep emotional hurt. As in Arthur's previous works, the content is presented in a manner reminiscent of a conversation with a trusted friend. Relying heavily on Scripture, Arthur addresses why pain happens, how to find purpose in one's life during difficult times, and how to move on. Arthur herself narrates, bringing the feel of a genuine connection with the listener. A bonus study guide on the last CD is a helpful tool for eliciting further reflection and discussion. Recommended where Arthur's previous books and/or Joyce Meyer's works are popular.—Donna Bachowski, Orange Cty. Lib. Syst., Orlando, FL
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780307730602
  • Publisher: Crown Religion/Business/Forum
  • Publication date: 1/17/2012
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 288
  • Sales rank: 404,504
  • Product dimensions: 5.90 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.90 (d)

Meet the Author

Kay Arthur is best known for her vulnerability, authenticity, and passion for truth. She is the author of numerous books, including As Silver Refined and A Marriage Without Regrets. An international teacher and communicator whose work has touched millions of lives, Kay has received several awards for her writing and media programming. She currently serves with her husband, Jack, as co-CEO of Precept Ministries International, the organization they founded together more than forty years ago and which today operates in 150 countries in 70 languages. Kay and Jack live in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

“It Wasn’t Supposed to Be This Way!”

At some point in life, nearly every one of us finds ourselves pulled under by a tsunami wave of pain, overwhelmed by something large, sudden, and personally devastating.

It can come crashing into our lives in any of a thousand ways.

A phone call from the doctor about a lab report that looks suspicious.

A wooden-faced supervisor who calls you into his office just before lunch and says, “We’re downsizing the company. We have to let you go.”

A brief, cold conversation with your spouse one morning, and then the shocking words: “I’m leaving. I’ve found someone else.”

A late-night knock on your door from a highway-patrol officer. “Your daughter has been in an accident. I’m sorry to tell you this, but she didn’t make it.”

A quick, stricken glance from the obstetrician. “I’m not picking up any heartbeat from the baby.”

   At such times heartache and despair rush over us, pulling us down into a place of darkness until we wonder if the light of hope will ever again penetrate our lives.
   This is when the hurt runs deep.

As human beings, hurts and wounds, bumps and bruises, disappointments and sorrows come bundled along with our birth certificates.
   Every one of us, starting in childhood, had to learn how to deal with the skinned knees, hurt feelings, dashed hopes, and heartbreaking setbacks common to fallen humanity. How well we coped with these difficulties, challenges, and unexpected obstacles determined in large measure what sort of man or woman we’ve become and how we navigate our way through life.
   But there are storms…and there are storms.
   It’s one thing to get caught in a spring thundershower; it’s another to find yourself in a Category 5 hurricane. It’s one thing to trip over a hose and fall in your backyard; it’s another to fall out of a third-story window. It’s one thing to be rejected for admission to college; it’s another to be betrayed and rejected by the one you love with all your heart. It’s one thing to lose your car keys; it’s another to lose a longed-for baby in a miscarriage. It’s one thing to get knocked off your feet by a surprise ocean wave, when you’re looking in the other direction; it’s another to be swallowed by a tsunami of pain.
   Sometimes the pain we experience goes much, much deeper than surface pain. Sometimes the heartache we have to endure pierces deeper than we ever thought possible, utterly overwhelming us.
   In my own life…
   If you had told me four years ago the events and circumstances that would come crashing down around me in just forty-eight months, I never would have believed you.
   I could have never anticipated—or even imagined—such things.
   It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It didn’t have to be this way!
   But now, there’s no denying the backwash of pain and sadness I feel. These aren’t the common, garden-variety wounds that we all encounter in the course of life; this is pain that goes bone deep.
   So where do we turn when we find ourselves beyond our own ability to cope? What hope do we have that the pain will ever go away?

I’m thinking of a family, not so very different from many of the families you know.
   Neither rich nor poor, they were respected within the community but not especially well known. The dad in the family was a pastor.
   The little girl living under that family’s roof was just eight years old on the evening her dad first slipped into her bedroom to do her harm while her mother was out of the house. The sexual abuse that began that night lasted for eight horrible years. The little girl essentially became her dad’s slave, always at hand to satisfy his sexual whims.
   Her betrayer was her own father. The pastor.
   It wasn’t supposed to be this way! Fathers are supposed to protect and stand up for their little girls, not molest them, not destroy their lives. She was too young at eight to realize how profoundly her dad had betrayed her—along with her mom and the trusting people of the congregation. But it all came to light when she was sixteen.
   (Sixteen…isn’t that supposed to be a fun, lighthearted time of life?)
   In that year, her mother had an affair with a deacon in the church. And then the whole sad, sordid story about her father’s serial sexual abuse was revealed.
   Her father went to prison for having sex with a minor—his own daughter. That prison sentence, just and right though it was, only drove the feelings of shame and guilt deeper into the girl’s heart. Now her father was in prison because of her. And to her disgust, her mother made her socialize with the deacon and his family—as if nothing evil or out of the ordinary had ever happened!
   The adults tried to sweep the ugly truth under the rug, but they could not brush away the pain from this sixteen-year-old’s heart. The wounds and scars and unanswered questions have left her bitter and confused. Why, why did this happen to her? And what about God? Where does He fit into all of this? Does He even exist? If so, was He too busy or too indifferent to care…or too impotent to do anything about it?
   Had God betrayed her?

Just a week ago, I received the following e-mail, and my heart just broke for this dear woman:

   Dear Kay,
      My husband died three years ago…
      Then three weeks ago my very strongly Christian, happy-go-lucky, nineteen-year-old son committed suicide. He thought he was going to lose his career when he failed a PT test.
         I am in despair and clinging to your studies on spiritual warfare, which I know attacked him, and your study on why bad things happen.
         Everyone said he was the strongest Christian they knew, so it is almost impossible to understand.
         My only other child is a daughter who is eighteen and very ill.
         Why do these things happen? I had it all. We were the perfect Christian family, happy, serving God, loving each other. Now we are left with rubble. Does God care?

   This woman’s questions are the ones we all wrestle with at times in our lives: Why us? Why now? Does God care?
   Where will she turn for answers, for hope? Where can you and I turn?

I read an article not long ago in Vanity Fair magazine about the family of Bernie Madoff.
   Madoff, of course, was the former chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange and the admitted operator of the Ponzi scheme that has been characterized as the largest investment fraud in Wall Street history. In March of 2009, he pleaded guilty to eleven felonies, admitting to turning his wealth-management business into a scheme that defrauded thousands of investors of billions of dollars.
   So much for the headlines; what about the real human lives behind the media frenzy? I want to consider, for a moment, the two young men who also carry the name “Madoff”: Mark and Andrew, Bernie’s sons.
   Were his sons in on the great swindle that swallowed billions of dollars and devastated countless lives? Did they even know what their father was doing? Maybe, and maybe not. But let’s just say they didn’t know. Can you imagine how absolutely humiliated and betrayed they must have felt to learn the truth? Can you begin to gauge the depth of their pain? Their dad—their own father—had done what?
   Bernie’s dramatic confession to his sons on December 10, 2008, would forever alter their lives. Mark was angry; Andrew fell to the floor sobbing. As a consequence, that very afternoon one of those young men picked up the phone and called the Securities and Exchange Commission, setting up an appointment for the next morning.
   Can you imagine turning your own father over to the authorities? Maybe you weren’t always pleased with him or wished he were different. But it was still your father. You bore his name, you loved him, and at one time you were very proud of him.
   Maybe you can put yourself in this situation all too well. Perhaps you’ve uncovered a devastating family secret that forever changed your relationship with a family member, someone you’d previously trusted and respected.
   In 2000, according to one source in the magazine article, the Madoff family was a contented lot. Mark Madoff had said it was fun to go to work and find all his family members there working together.
   In eight years, however, they went from contentment to sorrow, from prosperity to utter desolation. With each new revelation of their father’s unethical and criminal behavior, Mark and Andrew’s pain went deeper and deeper.
      Take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. These sons claim to have had no part at all in their father’s appalling mismanagement and dishonesty. But how many people will look askance at them for the rest of their lives? Can you imagine being totally innocent yet not have others believe you? Maybe you don’t have to use your imagination; maybe you’ve experienced the injustice of having your own reputation tainted by the actions of someone close to you.
   And how would you feel knowing that one of your dad’s clients committed suicide eleven days after your father’s arrest? Before taking an overdose of sleeping pills and slashing his wrists, the distinguished French financier René-Thierry Magon de la Villehuchet, who had invested $1.4 billion with Madoff, wrote in his suicide note, “If you ruin your friends, your clients, you have to face the consequences.”1 Would Madoff’s sons feel that blood spill onto their own hands, just because they shared the last name of Madoff?
   And what would go through your heart when you thought about all the widows, retirees, charities, and hardworking families who’d lost all their savings because of your dad?
   Madoff apologized to his victims, saying, “I have left a legacy of shame, as some of my victims have pointed out, to my family and my grandchildren. This is something I will live in for the rest of my life. I’m sorry.”
   But what about the grandchildren and generations yet to come who will also carry the name “Madoff”?

Story after story could be told of the deep hurts we endure; particularly agonizing are the horrendous accounts of man’s inhumanity to man.
   And so the questions come…for all of us.
   Will the pain ever go away?
   Is there anything left to hope for? Or is life just about pain?
   What do you do, where can you go for help, who can you turn to when the hurt runs deep?
   Let’s explore those questions together in the pages that follow.

From the Hardcover edition.

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Reading Group Guide


The following questions are designed to further your journey of healing through the study of God’s Word. The guide follows the structure of the book, taking you deeper into Scripture passages mentioned in each chapter with the intent that “grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord” (2 Peter 1:2) as you apply God’s truth to your life.

Whether you use this guide on your own, with a prayer partner, or in a small group, my fervent prayer, beloved of God, is that it will draw you more and more deeply into the Bible and into understanding God’s heart for you. God longs for you to know His healing, His love, and His hope, even when the hurt runs deep.


1. When in your life have you said, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way”?

2. Read John 16:33. What “tribulation” is in your life right now? What would God’s peace look like if you, in faith’s trust, allowed it to overcome that pain? 


1. Read Genesis 37:1–31. What prompted Joseph’s brothers to hate him? How did their hate lead to betrayal?

2. Read Genesis 39. Why did Joseph become successful in Egypt? What did “success” look like for him in verses 1–6? In what ways was Joseph’s later imprisonment also a sign of success?

3. Joseph acted with integrity yet ended up in jail. When have you suffered even when you were not to blame for something? What happened to you inside? How did you deal with it—or did you? What difference does it make today in your view of that experience to know that God was with you every moment?

4. In what ways were Joseph’s circumstances in prison similar to his circumstances in Egypt before his imprisonment?

5. Read Genesis 40. How did Joseph respond to being put in jail? What does this suggest about how God calls you to respond when you are somewhere you don’t want to be?

6. What have you learned about God from the circumstances of Joseph’s life so far? Stopping to assess this is so vital to your mental and spiritual health and wholeness.


1. Read Genesis 41:1–40. Considering the passages from Genesis that you’ve read in this study so far, who betrayed Joseph in his lifetime? In what ways did Joseph’s response to Pharaoh (vv. 15–32) reflect humility and wisdom rather than bitterness over these betrayals? Why was he able to respond in this way? What does God want you to see?

2. Read Genesis 45:1–24. What do Joseph’s tears in front of his brothers (vv. 1–2) signify?

3. What do Joseph’s words in verses 5–8 reveal about his belief in God’s purposes?

4. What did Joseph tell his brothers not to do on the way home (v. 24)? Why? What does this suggest about Joseph’s perspective on his suffering?

5. Read Genesis 50:20. What was Joseph placing above his emotions or pain? How did a sense of God’s purpose free him to do this?

6. The psalmist recounted Joseph’s story in Psalm 105. How did the psalmist begin in verses 1–4? How would you describe the perspective of these verses? Why is this significant in light of Joseph’s suffering and the suffering of the Israelites? Why was Joseph’s story worthy of passing down to future generations?

7. What difference does it make—in our perspective, in our ability to cope, in the lives of others—when we confront pain and find purpose in it rather than glossing over it?


1. Read Psalm 103. What did the psalmist say God does? What words did the psalmist use to describe who God is?

2. How does your understanding of who God is affect your understanding of who you are? Why does your state of weakness make God’s relationship with you even more significant?

3. Why is understanding the sovereignty of God important to healing?

4. Prayerfully read Revelation 21:3–5 in light of your pain today. What phrase or word brings the most hope to you? Why?

5. Why does the fact that God will one day wipe away our tears make a difference right now? What does this say about God’s character and power? 

6. What would you like God to “make new” (Revelation 21:5) in your life? What does God promise you about the future? Can knowing what the future holds enable you to handle the present? How? (You might want to memorize 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 after reading the whole chapter. It’s awesome!)

7. How does the truth that “God is love” (1 John 4:8) make a difference when you suffer? How does knowledge of God’s love free you to find His purpose in your pain?

8. Read Romans 5:6–11. In what ways does this passage focus on realities and actions rather than emotions?


1. Read Romans 8:28–32. What connection did Paul make between circumstances in our lives and our being conformed to Christ’s image? How have you seen this happen in your own life?

2. How does God use suffering to draw us closer to Him? Describe a time when you have experienced this for yourself.

3. What characteristics of God make Him the only One who can truly heal us?

4. How does it change your view of suffering to know that God is for you (Romans 8:31)? What does this verse suggest about the relationship God desires with you?

5. Read Romans 8:35–39. What things do we “overwhelmingly conquer”? Who or what makes this possible? What is the number-one characteristic about God that gives us victory over pain in our lives?


1. What is the difference between righteous anger and unrighteous anger?

2. Read Psalm 106:34–48. What makes God angry? Why?

3. Why is God able to be angry and love at the same time? How does His anger demonstrate His love for us?

4. Read Exodus 34:6–7. What difference does it make to you that God has promised to judge those who’ve wronged you? How does knowing this help you love others more? How does it shape your response to their behavior?

5. Read Ephesians 4:25–32. When does anger become sinful?

6. According to this passage, what traits should replace anger and bitterness in our lives? Why? How does unresolved anger at one person affect all of our relationships?


1. Read the first chapter of Job. How do Job’s actions in verses 1–5 reflect what he valued the most?

2. Why did Satan suggest attacking Job? What was Satan’s expectation? Why did Satan need to speak with the Lord before bringing suffering into Job’s life?

3. How did Job mourn and worship God at the same time? How did his words and actions before his losses prepare him to respond in the way he did?

4. Read Job 2:1–10. Contrast Job’s actions and words, particularly in verse 10, with what a sinful response to such suffering would look like.

5. Why did God allow pain in Job’s life? How did God’s interactions with Satan reflect His love for Job?

6. Did Job get what he deserved? Why or why not? How does our culture promote the idea that your actions alone determine your future circumstances? How does this compare with what you’ve learned about God’s sovereignty?


1. Read Job 2:11–13. What is the first thing Job’s friends did when they saw him? How is this similar to or different from how our culture today responds to someone’s grief ? When has someone responded to your suffering in a similar way?

2. What is healing about silence?

3. Read Job 3. How would you describe Job’s words about his suffering? What is the difference between cursing God and Job’s response to suffering? What is the difference between denying pain and Job’s response?

4. Read the words of Job’s friend Eliphaz in Job 5:8–27. What was Eliphaz implying about the reason for Job’s suffering? What was he suggesting about God’s power to heal? Why would Eliphaz’s words in verse 25 be especially cruel to Job?

5. Describe a time when someone tried to comfort you with spiritual platitudes. Were his or her words about God true or untrue? What made them hurtful to you? How did you respond to this person?

6. Thinking over what you’ve learned so far, what words of comfort might you offer today to someone in deep pain?


1. When have you declared something to be true about God even though you didn’t understand it?

2. Read Job 38. Who did God speak to? Describe the tone of His words. How does God’s response reflect both His love and His power?

3. Read Job 40:1–5. How did Job respond to God? What did Job’s words reveal about his view of God?

4. Read Job 42:1–6. What truth did Job acknowledge about God in these verses? Why did he need to repent?

5. Why would a new appreciation for God’s sovereignty comfort Job more than the words of his friends?

6. In Job 42:7, God tells Eliphaz that he is angry with him because he spoke falsely about God. Why were Job’s words more acceptable to God? What does this suggest about how God wants us to relate to Him?

7. If you could choose, would you want to understand all God’s ways in your life right now? Why or why not?


1. Why is it tempting to blame others for our pain? What does this say about our view of ourselves?

2. Read 2 Chronicles 33:1–20. What did Manasseh do that was sinful? What do his sins have in common with all sin?

3. What caused God to respond to Manasseh and restore him to Jerusalem? Why couldn’t God heal him earlier?

4. How did God’s forgiveness change Manasseh’s life? Why is forgiveness powerful?

5. What are the similarities between Job’s story and Manasseh’s story? What are the differences? What consistencies do you see in how God responded to each man?

6. Read Psalm 51. If you did not know anything about God, what would you learn about Him from this psalm?

7. Write or pray a prayer of confession to God for any sins that you have not already confessed to Him. Your prayer doesn’t need to be long or eloquent. Tell God how you have sinned. Ask Him for forgiveness. Acknowledge who you are and who He is.

8. Now, in accordance with all you have learned or know about God according to His Word, how will God respond to your prayer? Why?

9. Will you praise God for the healing that comes from knowing all is right between you and Him?


1. Read Lamentations 3. How did the writer’s soul respond when he dwelt on the past? What did he decide to think about instead?

2. How did remembering the characteristics of God restore hope to the writer of Lamentations? Why would Satan want him to dwell instead on circumstances?

3. What do the writer’s words suggest about how he viewed God? In what ways did his knowledge of God shape his response to suffering?

4. What changes over time in this passage, and what stays the same?

5. Why is it hopeful to dwell on who God is rather than on your past actions?

6. How might the story of your life point others to hope in God?


1. Read Daniel 3. When have you faced persecution—in your family, workplace, or community—because of your faith in God?

2. Why were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego able to say they did not need to defend themselves against Nebuchadnezzar? How do you tend to react to those who unjustly cause you pain or subject you to persecution? What does your natural response reveal about your view of God? your view of suffering?

3. What does Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego’s reaction to Nebuchadnezzar say about who they believed God to be? What do their words reveal about their priorities, about what mattered most to them?

4. Who was the fourth man in the furnace? Why was he there? How does God’s presence make a difference even when we are experiencing pain?

5. What would it look like in your life to trust God even when you don’t know if He will rescue you from pain? What do you need to believe about God’s nature—as opposed to human nature—in order to trust Him?

6. How might your response to difficult times lead others to God?


1. What are the greatest or most troubling issues you have to deal with when you think of a loved one, or anyone, who committed suicide? What have you learned in this chapter that has helped you with those questions? What issues are not covered that you would like to discuss? (I, Kay, would love to know so I could be of more help. You can reach me through our Web site at www.precept.org/hurt.)

2. Do you find yourself worrying about where the person who committed suicide is? What have you learned from the scriptures in this chapter that can help you handle this worry?

3. Read Philippians 4:8–9. What does God call you to think about right now? Make a list of these eight descriptive phrases. Take each memory or question you have about your loved one’s suicide (or other circumstances leading to the pain you are in) and compare it to the list you just made. If it does not match God’s criteria for your thoughts, what will you do about it?

4. Is it disobedient to dwell on the past in destructive ways? Why or why not?

5. Read Philippians 3:13–14. What would it look like to “forget” what lies behind in your life? Do you believe it’s possible to truly “forget”? Why or why not? What would it look like for you to reach forward to “what lies ahead”?

6. Ask God to show you how these verses can bring healing from your loved one’s suicide or your suicidal thoughts. Express your anger and your pain to Him. Ask Him to guide your thoughts to the traits of Philippians 4:8–9 and pray those traits out loud. Although healing can be slow, keep returning to God with your pain and your desire to submit your mind and heart to Him.


1. When have you had to sacrifice something that was precious to you? How did that experience change you?

2. Read Genesis 22:1–19. How did Abraham’s willingness to let go of Isaac make room for God to reveal Himself ? In what way was Abraham’s obedience an act of worship?

3. How did Abraham’s obedience foreshadow Jesus’ obedience in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:42)? What did God do for Abraham that He did not do for Jesus? Why?

4. Read 2 Corinthians 12:7–10. Why did Paul have a “thorn in the flesh”? How was God glorified through this thorn? What connection did Paul make between letting go of his human desire and drawing closer to God?

5. What pain do you need to pull the plug on, to let go of—with total confidence that what you are doing is biblical? And what would change for you if you did? Why haven’t you done so? Do you want to be well?


1. Read Matthew 13:1–9, 18–23. Has suffering ever caused you to turn away from God? If so, when?

2. What emotional or physical scars do you have as a result of living in this crooked and perverse generation? In what ways can these scars give you hope for heaven?

3. What would it look like for God to redeem the pain you are in right now?

4. Read Philippians 3:7–11. What words did Paul use to describe earthly accomplishments and things? Why? List all the words in this passage that Paul used to reflect his deepest desires. What was his ultimate goal?

5. Read 2 Corinthians 4:16–18. What does the “outer man” represent? What does the “inner man” represent? What does your outer self look like right now? How does it compare to your inner self ?

6. What does affliction lead to, according to verse 17?

7. What things do you “see” in your pain today (verse 18)? What things are happening through your pain that you cannot see? Which will last for eternity?


1. When have you experienced pain or persecution because of your religious beliefs? Did the pain surprise you? Why or why not?

2. Read 1 Peter 2:19–25. For what purpose has God called you? How do you know?

3. How did Christ respond to suffering? What purpose did His suffering have? What does this say about the value of our suffering as Christ followers?

4. Read 1 Peter 3:14–18. What did Paul instruct us to do when we suffer for God’s glory? What are we not to do?

5. How can you tell if your suffering is because of righteousness or because of sin? Why does it make a difference?

6. Read 1 Peter 5:10. What does God promise to do for you? Why does He want you to know this promise?


1. Read Matthew 26:36–46. Describe a time when your soul was “deeply grieved.” Did you go to a particular place to pray or cry?

2. What did Jesus ask His friends to do? Why? How did Jesus respond when He found His friends sleeping?

3. Have you ever asked a friend to be with you when you were grieving or waiting for difficult news? What happened? Why does loneliness so often accompany grief ?

4. How many times did Jesus pray the same prayer? What is the “cup” He referred to? What do His prayers suggest about His relationship with His Father?

5. Which aspect of Jesus’ suffering did you identify with the most? Why?

6. What difference does it make in your perspective on pain to know that Jesus understands your suffering because He, too, suffered?

7. Think over everything you learned in this chapter. How will you respond to the Father and the Son in light of these truths? Write out or pour out in prayer the words on your heart.


1. Read Hebrews 10:11–23. What did the priests do again and again? What was the result? What have you done or said over and over to try to redeem pain in your life? How well did that work?

2. How many sacrifices did Jesus make (vv. 12–13)? For how long? How does Jesus’ sacrifice influence you? What does this imply about your ability to redeem your pain?

3. The Holy Spirit testifies that Jesus’ sacrifice is a sign of God’s covenant (v. 16). What does God do to seal this covenant with us?

4. Why can we draw near to God with confidence? How does this confidence lead to hope?

5. Read Ephesians 4:31–5:2. What does bitterness lead to? Why?

6. Why does God call us to forgive others? How does our forgiveness of others remind us of God’s forgiveness of us? Does God expect us to forgive others out of our own power? Why or why not?

7. When have you seen the inability to forgive cause someone greater pain? In what way does forgiveness loosen the grip of the past on our lives?


1. Read Romans 5:1–5. What are we called to exult in? What result does tribulation ultimately bring?

2. When has disappointment caused you to dwell in pain rather than risking hope?

3. According to this passage, what kind of hope does God give? Why? How might a confidence in God’s hope free you to have joy again—to exult?

4. Throughout this study, we have looked at passages that contrast dwelling on the past with hoping in the future. Why does hoping in the future make such a difference in our healing? What do we learn from the fact that God speaks words of hope so often in Scripture?

5. What practical changes could you make (such as meeting more regularly with a community of believers, getting more sleep, memorizing Scripture) that would further God’s work of healing in your life?

6. Looking back on the twelve healing truths outlined in this book (see pages 195–96 for the full list), which ones resonate with you the most right now? What could you do to remember these truths when you need them most?

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Customer Reviews

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Sort by: Showing all of 12 Customer Reviews
  • Posted July 6, 2011

    I needed this book ten years ago

    Several years ago, my family went through a very dark and trying time of betrayal and pain. Our hurt was so deep that we could not see an end to it. Instead, we just tried to get through one day at a time while we asked God "Why?" So when I saw this new book by Kay Arthur I was very eager to read her thoughts on this subject. I was not disappointed. By looking at the lives of Job and Joseph, we are able to see that other people have been where we are and that God does have a plan for our lives even in the midst of deep pain. The chapter on suicide is one that really stood out to me, addressing how a family can cope with this most horrible of circumstances. Also, the chapter on pulling the plug on our pain and letting it go is very helpful. That is something that I had to deal with personally. Even though it has been several years since I experienced my own time of deep hurt, I got a lot out of this book. In the book, Kay lays out twelve healing truths and expounds on each one: 1. If God has allowed pain in our lives, He has allowed it for a purpose-a good purpose, because he is a good God. 2. Deep and genuine healing will always be tied to an accurate knowledge of God's sovereignty and character. The clearer our understanding of who God is, the more profound our healing will be. 3. Because God is love, and because God rules over all, everything that comes into our lives is filtered through His sovereign fingers of love. 4. Because God is all-knowing, He know the very source of our deepest pain-and He understands exactly how to touch it, heal it, and use it to bring about your highest good. 5. No hurt is so strong that it can separate you from His love. Your hurt is not intended to drive you from God but to God. 6. Nothing that has ever happened to you has escaped God's notice. You can trust that he will bring to account everyone who has hurt you in His time and in His way. 7. Deep hurt can happen to upright, blameless people; it is not always deserved or earned. 8. When we sin, we will find ourselves facing the consequences. But when we submit to God in repentance and seek His help, we can get through those consequences and step onto the path to hope and healing. 9. Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you have done, there is hope because there is God. He is a God of hope; redemption is His business. 10. God's grace is brought to fullness in our lives as we release our hurt and draw on His power in our weakness. 11. Deep, exhausting, unrelenting hurt can bring you to the end of yourself-to complete and total dependence on God-which is the best place you could ever be. 12. Whether your hurts have been caused by someone else's actions or by your own sins and failure, healing begins at the cross-the greatest expression of God's love for you. As she goes on to reveal these truths to us, Kay reminds us that we will have trials but we will not go through them alone. God loves us and He has a plan. We must learn to put our complete trust and faith in Him and let Him be God. Anyone who is hurting for whatever reason needs to read this book. Kay knows what she is talking about and she does not give pat answers to the soul that is hurting. Instead she leads you, step by step, through God's word to see what He has to say about your pain. I definitely recommend this book for your own personal library. I also recommend that you get extra copies. You will want to share them with

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted July 6, 2011

    A must read!

    I recently had the chance to review a copy of Kay Authur's book When the Hurt Runs Deep through "Blogging for Books" and WaterBrook Multnomah Publishers, who gives readers free copies of books in return for an honest review on their blog, whether good or bad.

    I got this book, honestly, because it felt like one of those necessary books that everyone needs to have, read, and meditate on. All of us will face loss, through the literal death of someone we love, or through the loss of a job, family, dream, etc.... and every one of us can benefit from knowing how to take those overwhelming loses, give them back to God, and learn to react in a way that is both God honoring and beneficial to ourselves. The most important I saw in this book is that God wants us not to hurt. He desires our wholeness, but knows apart from Himself, it can't happen. Kay Auther, whom I loved long before this book was in my hands has such a way with expressing herself and getting out exactly what needs to be said at the perfect time, and doing so in such a way that you understand it completely.

    She gives you tangible, practical, step-by-step guidance on how to react and learn from some of lives hardest hitting blows. Maybe you were raised not knowing that it's OK to feel anger after experiencing a loss- but it is! She also mentions things like, not being alone more than you have to, not reliving what happened needlessly, playing worship music, making your house as bright as possible, etc... things we know in our heads are probably a good thing, but make more sense when their written down in by someone in list form.

    Every part of this book was good, but I have to say, by far, the most meaningful to me was the section of suicide. I have never, ever read anything about how a Christian is suppose to react after someone they know or love choosing to end their own life- and have actually been confused about it in the past. She answered a lot of questions that I had.

    And, immediately, she even goes on to write in detail about how to overcome the guilt and other feelings that come with loss through abortion... also very eyeopening.

    Like I said, this is one of those books that everyone needs to read- and it would also be, I assume, a wonderful gift for someone experiencing loss.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 2, 2012

    more from this reviewer

    Reviewed by Joy H. for Readers Favorite Why is this happening t

    Reviewed by Joy H. for Readers Favorite

    Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? How can God actually let this happen to me? Will the pain ever go away? Have you ever asked yourself these questions? I know I have done so many times during my life. Kay Arthur answers these questions and many more in her book "When the Hurt Runs Deep." Just a few chapters for a teaser are: It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way; You Don't Suffer Along; and Is There Purpose in Your Pain and A Time for Anger? You will be amazed at the awesome information in this book on pain and hurt.

    One thing I appreciate about Kay Authur's books is that she lets her readers know that she is not exempt from the deep hurt she teaches others about. In this book, Kay very honestly tells of her devastating divorce, leaving her with two small boys and wanting desperately for someone to love her unconditionally. She allows the reader to see her pain, the way she feels about God at the time, and the mistakes she made in trying to find that unconditional love. Knowing that the author has faced the things she teaches about makes the study more enjoyable and believable. She has been where you are now, and can help you get through your difficult time through her books and studies. I have been through many of Kay Authur's books and studies in small groups and Sunday school classes and they are awesome. I look forward to using this book in a study as well.

    I highly recommend this book for your individual Bible study or studies for small groups or Sunday school classes. I assure you, Kay Authur is one you will grow to love, respect and adore, if you don't already!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted July 21, 2011

    Read if you are ready to move forward with healing from hurt

    Kay Aurthur is a well respected author with many biblically sound books under her belt. This book is about life's deep hurts, pain, and suffering, and how to work through these life changing events with God and a sound knowledge of his character and the Bible and why He allows these things to happen in our lives. Kay uses her life experiences, along with numerous examples from other people's lives to show that everyone at some point will experience a deep hurt (in which she explains that God uses these experiences for good and growth). Each chapeter in the book is rooted in God's word and each topic is thouroughly studied along with scripture. Chapters such as "It wasn't supposed to be that way", "God's answer to our "why"?" and "Will the hurt every go away?" touch on every subject related to pain and suffering. I don't think I would give this to someone who has JUST experieced trauma or a deep hurt because it seems more geared toward someone who is ready and on the path to process the painful experience and move forward toward healing. This book had some great points and was a good book, although a seasoned Christian may find it a little repetetive and may not benefit as much as a newer unseasoned Christian. This book also has a study guide in the back for leading a bible study centered around the book, which would be a fantastic tool for a small group leader. I received this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 23, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    EXCELLENT book for everyone including the Sandwich Generation on the topic of dealing with pain and suffering in your life.

    Christian author, Kay Arthur, takes a solid look at pain and suffering and how God would have us deal with it. She includes in-depth studies into the lives of several Bible leaders including Job and Joseph. This book was such an encouragement to me and is now full of my underlinings, bookmarks, comments, and even short prayers I wrote as I was reading it.

    It's definitely one of the best books I've read on this topic, including answering the question, "why does God allow suffering," and one I will be recommending highly to others, including you! It's definitely an excellent resource for all of us in the Sandwich Generation whose family either is, or will be, going through trials of all kinds, as well as deep sorrow - including the grief of hospice or hospitalization, followed by death.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 25, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    This Is A Book For Those In Need!

    I'd also like to recommend "When God Stopped Keeping Score" by R.A. Clark. It's revealing look at the power of forgiveness. If you ever felt trapped by anger, guilt, resentment and/or pain, then this book is for you.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 19, 2012

    more from this reviewer

    Trust in God

    Into every life some rain must fall, and we all will have or have already experienced pain. I found that Kay Arthur has had her share of storms too. This makes her capable to advising how to cope. Using the Bible, Arthur talks about a variety of hurts.

    I especially found her discussion of suicide quite informative when helping loved ones cope with the deep hurt of this loss.

    A Study Guide and Meditation Journal are included.

    Thank you to Laura Tucker at WaterBrook Press for my copy.

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  • Posted March 17, 2011

    Not helpful - don't bother

    I picked this book up with great hope, both because I wanted it to speak to some personal situations and also because I had a friend I thought about loaning it to because she has suffered a deep hurt. It started out well, with the author sharing some of her personal story at the beginning, but after the first chapter, I began to feel as though I was being bludgeoned with a sermon rather than being offered practical help in dealing with deep hurts. It is obvious that Ms. Arthur's theology and mine have taken divergent paths. Her focus is on complete submission to the will of God-which it is possible to find in the Bible, a book she sees as inerrant and basically dictated by God. I find that perspective to be less than helpful and, in some situations, having the potential to be harmful to both the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of individuals. She does acknowledge that there may be times when someone needs to leave an abusive situation, but that awareness is only lightly touched on. Her primary focus is on staying in difficult situations, trusting in God to heal them. There is little mention of the help that counselors can give in dealing with deep hurts. In fact, the occasional times they were mentioned, it was to indicate that specific counselors in specific situations hadn't even opened a Bible during the counseling process. While I believe that the Bible can provide comfort and help, I think that depending on the Bible to find answers is a misuse of the scriptures. As I read, I felt that each chapter basically said the same thing: (1) You may find yourself in a difficult situation where you have been hurt deeply. (2) God can heal that situation if you trust in God. (3) You can find God's answers in the Bible, the actual words of God. (4) Submission to God's will is the answer. There were occasional nuggets of insight and information that I found helpful, but I did not find them worth wading through what I felt was an aggressive sermon that blamed all the world's ills on an innate human sinfulness based on a literal reading of the Bible. I'm glad that I did not purchase this book, but that it was provided free of charge from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group in exchange for this review.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 2, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    Deep Hurt? You gotta read this!!

    There have been many different pains in my life that I thought I would never heal from. I have asked God on numerous occasions, "Why God? Why have these things happened to me?" I have been angry with God, and ran from Him because of the pain and heartbreak that I suffered. Thankfully, the Lord was patient with me and waited on me to return to Him. When I did, He embraced me with open arms and a heart full of love.

    I wish when I was going through the process of healing many years ago, I had read Kay Arthur's book, When the Hurt Runs Deep. In her book, Kay brings to the table the fruits of life that many people eat.death, abuse, suicide, etc., and all the emotions and hopelessness that are served as side dishes. Kay gets right down to the heart of the questions that many people have when they are served these slices of life."Why?" "When the hurt runs deep, is there anything that can heal the pain?"

    As she confronts some of these tough issues, she also serves a plateful of truth that is God's Word. With each subject, she lays out stories of the lives of people in the bible that have suffered through some pretty heartbreaking situations. She tells of the triumph they gained through seeking God's face and gives tangible ways that people today can gain the same victory. Kay covers twelve "Healing Truths" that will help you in the process of healing When the Hurt Runs Deep. At the end of the book, you can find a study guide that will help you get to the heart of the issues you face, and find the heart of God within those issues.

    If you have faced heartache in your life that you have not been able to overcome, I highly recommend this book! Kay's words will bring a heaping full of truth, healing, and comfort as you journey through the process of healing from the hurts that run deep.

    I have received this complimentary book from WaterBrook Multnomah, through the blogging for books program. The views and opinions are my own.

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    Posted March 14, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

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    Posted May 17, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

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    Posted May 8, 2011

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