Read an Excerpt
Where IS Your Mother?
A Simple and Suggestive Guide to Basic Etiquette and Simple Grace
By Ava Carroll-Brown
iUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 Ava Carroll-Brown
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-0954-1
Contents
Chapter One
So, This Is the Table We all have stories about our experiences while at the table. Those "Kodak" moments when elbows are used as swords guarding the food in front of us, elbow-and-hand braces are used as a pedestal to hold up our heavy heads, or legs stretched out and crossed, placed parallel to the table extending into the walking area, creating an obstacle course for anyone who may venture to serve or even walk by. There are also the sleepers, those who obviously are too tired to even be at the table, head-in-hand, slumping into their plates, and sometimes even laying their head down as if the table were a pillow.
How enjoyable for us all, especially for those who have taken the time to prepare a lovely meal and are rewarded by looking at a sleepy, slumped-over, human obstacle course. Possibly, it would have been a better idea to just place a pet dish on the floor so the food could be gulped down at the guest's leisure; or maybe, instead of a dinner invitation, an invitation should have been extended to just come over and lounge on the sofa and not bother to be seated at the table at all. I don't think so!
I am a firm believer that there is a time and a place for everything. When at a dining table, it is the time and place to eat: sitting upright in your chair, legs tucked underneath the table, and feet placed firmly on the floor or in that direction. The purpose of your hands is to hold and operate eating utensils, not to support or hold up your head. Elbows are the usable extensions of the hand-to-mouth motion, to be kept off the table at all times and placed close to your sides.
Your meal space at a dining table is measured by the width of your chair seat, continuing to the immediate left and right of your place setting.
No need to place those elbows on the table for support or to balance your fork and knife; your eating utensils will never become that heavy.
No need to use those elbows as a weapon to guard your meal space; they will be just fine at your sides and, surprisingly, that is exactly where they were intended to be kept.
And definitely no improper sitting at the table; your chair should be placed square to the edge of the table. Sit tall on the seat of your chair. Tuck your legs underneath the table with your feet on the floor or in that direction.
No sitting on your legs; legs were not intended to be a booster chair. If you need a little boost to be closer to the table, a proper chair can be purchased at numerous locations, often for a very reasonable price. If dining outside of your home, booster chairs are available upon request.
No walking around your chair; the dining table is not an athletic track or park. When the meal has been completed, excuse yourself from the table and walk wherever you wish, away from the dining table, and during the meal, remain seated.
And no squirming around like a restless animal. When you are invited to sit at the table, the assumption is that you are human, so act accordingly. Sit and enjoy the meal that has been placed in front of you.
The list of items that can be covered under this topic could go on forever, and we will only begin to scratch the surface of a few of the more important lessons in basic etiquette and good manners.
This chapter has been divided into several important sections, presented simply and clearly, so sit and enjoy the information, and when you have completed this chapter, you will be able to indulge in a banquet of knowledge and each feasting table will be your oyster.
Fact: The reason a table with chairs placed around it is called a dining table is for the purpose of people to come together, to be seated, and to dine.
Secondary purposes for a dining table may include a surface on which to do homework, a table for art projects or sewing, or even a space for board games.
But at least once a day, it is strongly suggested that in every home the table be used as intended—to sit at properly to dine.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if the entire family could come together at the same time and for the same reason? What an exciting concept! The most convenient time to plan this gathering would be dinnertime. Parent(s) have returned home from a long day at work, the kids have hopefully completed their homework and art projects, and hobbies have been put away for the evening. The music lessons and sports practices are finished for the night; it is the end of a long and full day, and everyone is hungry! And at the end of each day, there is much to talk about, so inviting the entire family to come together to sit around the dining table and share a meal is a natural and productive thing to do. It is the perfect opportunity for conversation, to get to know what everyone else is doing and, most importantly, to enjoy time together as a family, getting back to the basics and returning to the family unit.
When I was growing up, most mothers were homemakers—not anymore. Today, in many families, both parents are working and the kids have their studies, lessons, a social life, and sports. And believe it or not, many kids still are expected to do chores around the house. You remember: little jobs like mowing the lawn or dusting and vacuuming the family room. But family, no matter how large or small or how many projects its members are involved in during the course of the day, family remains family, and that fact will never change.
In this very busy world, a table is seldom used for its main purpose, and that purpose is coming together as a family to dine. Everyone is always in a hurry, partaking of meals on the way out the door, in their bedrooms, in front of the TV, and even while on the telephone; everywhere but at the dining table. Ask yourself this question, "How long does it take to share a meal?"
Answer? Probably less than thirty minutes or maybe an hour; but during that time, as a parent, you have the opportunity to talk to your children and actually get to know who they are, who their friends are, and what they are doing with their time away from home and during the day. As a child, you have the perfect opportunity of sharing who you are with your family, letting them know what excites you, your feelings and your dreams, and creating and maintaining an important open line of communication with your parents and siblings. An open line of communication is a very special key that needs to be established in every household between the children and the parents.
Agreed, everyone is busy; but everyone needs to eat as well, correct? We should take time, no, we must make time, at least once a day, to come together as a family, and the best meeting place in any household is the dining table.
Many years ago, my sister-in-law gave me a framed sign that still hangs proudly on my kitchen wall in view of anyone who sits at our table. It reads, "Anything that takes me more than two hours to cook should take you more than two minutes to eat."
When we come together at the dining table to share a meal, we should take the time to enjoy the meal and the opportunity to be with the family. Now relax and take a deep breath, as I am not suggesting that each night we all take two hours to prepare a meal; we all can agree that in the average household, we don't have two hours to prepare a meal every evening. But dinner has to be prepared, so take full advantage of the time.
Preparation time is also a great time to chat with your family, play catch-up on the daily news, and share time together—perhaps, on a one-on-one basis. Now, hold this thought: Time with your family is precious and valuable time that can never be replaced.
It is a time when everyone can be reminded just how special family really is, and it is an ideal opportunity to practice simple grace and apply basic table manners.
As parents, we can begin to teach the basic rules of simple grace and table manners before our children are two years old, and these practices can be continued throughout their lifetime with just a little day-to-day encouragement. Good manners are essential and are not a passing fancy. When using good manners, they will be appreciated by every person we encounter throughout our lives, personally and professionally, and when good manners are not present, that too will be noticed, but in a less desirable light. Naturally, the table manners of a two-year-old will not be perfect. However, they can certainly be encouraged each and every day; consistency is the foundation of any good learning technique. As your child grows, all of your efforts will be recognized and appreciated by your child as well as those around him or her. Of course, there are no guarantees that when your children are out by themselves in the world, they will behave like perfect little ladies and gentlemen. However, we all have that built-in recorder in our minds that seems to turn on when triggered by the slightest memory of any lesson, and the basics of good table manners, taught at an early age and encouraged throughout the years, will be one of those lessons. When these lessons are displayed, in the comfort of your own home or somewhere outside your home, they will be the parental guarantees that when triggered, will keep going and going, like the Energizer bunny, even in your absence.
The key point of this lesson is that the dining table is by definition, a space where family and friends come together, to share a meal, discuss the events of the day, and bond through conversation. This seems quite clear in statement; however, apparently it is not understood by most of today's population, young and old alike. So, once again, when one is sitting at a table, it means precisely—sit! No climbing, no walking around, no jumping, and no squirming; to sit means to sit. Very clear, agreed? There are rules in life wherever we go that offer guidelines and directions, and proper etiquette at the table is one of those rules.
Chapter Two
What About the Children? Have you ever been at a restaurant, family style or for a romantic getaway, or at the home of a friend, and a child begins jumping up and down on the seat behind you or at the table next to you, dropping unidentifiable objects in your hair, and eventually dumping the contents of an action character sippy cup down your back? How refreshing!
Or how about when you are sitting in a restaurant trying to enjoy a nice meal, when out of nowhere screams and tantrums, or an apparent meltdown, loud giggles, or whining from a child completely out of control, shatters the silence of your space like a box of firecrackers exploding on the fourth of July. How pleasant!
And of course, how about the children who are allowed to run up and down the service pathways, in between the guest dining tables, creating near-miss collisions with the unfortunate wait staff who are working so hard to please the entire room, still wearing big smiles as they protect the heavy tray of food they are carrying in fear of dropping it on top of the heads of the precious little pumpkins scrambling beneath them. How exciting!
I have even witnessed children standing or jumping on the actual dining table, as their parents sit in their own little world, completely oblivious to the sounds and actions of the bad behavior around them, continuing a conversation with whomever will listen, as if all was just perfect. Wake up!
Fact: This display of bad behavior by a child is not cute, nor is it appreciated by anyone around. The fact is, these acts of bad manners and obvious lack of parental control are not only annoying, but are potential liability issues for the parents and the proprietor of the establishment, as well as to the guests sitting in the dining space around the disturbance, and it is totally unacceptable for any parent to assume otherwise.
"Kids will be kids" is never an excuse for out-of-control children. What a dumb and inappropriate statement, and what does it actually mean? It makes about as much sense as the proprietor of a restaurant posting a sign that reads: "Although you have never visited our restaurant in the past, all items served will be perfect, and everything is free!"
I will agree that "kids are kids" and the interpretation of this statement is again, precisely, kids are kids, not wild animals, and should be taught to act accordingly.
As a parent or a supervising adult, to be so deeply hidden in the dark as to allow yourself to assume that bad behavior is as adorable to everyone around as it is to the parents who are permitting it to happen, is a big assumption! If this statement is questioned, just take a look around when your child is totally out of control—do you see any smiling faces? I don't think so. The reactions and expressions on the faces of those people seated around you, including other families with kids, will quickly confirm that when your child is behaving badly and your choice as a parent is to not take control of the situation, obviously in a delusional cloud of mistaken thinking, you will quickly be reminded that you and your belief stand alone! Harsh, but very true! To assume that a child can be placed in an adult situation and be expected to act like an adult is ridiculous! If this were a true assumption, all children would be born with angel wings, blessed with perfect manners, would have the vocabulary of a thirty-year-old, and the attention span of a college graduate, leaving no need for parents to guide, teach, and direct them.
Kids are kids!
As the parent, it is up to you to ensure that when your child is at the dining table, at home, or outside of the home, that this dining time is a pleasurable experience for everyone and that your child is kept completely under control—your control. When toddlers and small children are taken out for a meal, depending on their age and size, they should be placed in a highchair, booster chair, or be seated next to a parent or supervising adult throughout the entire meal. The child should be taught that at the table, he or she must remain seated! As adults, we are not permitted to wander around, to scream and yell, to toss our food, or behave inappropriately; we are expected to sit down and remain seated for the duration of the meal, unless of course, nature calls. This at-the-table rule is a given and begins at home for children as well as for adults. We are all products of our environment, so if good manners and proper table behavior are practiced at home, it only stands to reason that the good manners and proper behavior will be displayed outside of the comforts of home.
There are restaurants designed especially for kids and there are also restaurants that offer a kid's menu. These options offer a choice of foods that are enjoyable and easy to handle for small children, which makes your life easier.
Continues...
Excerpted from Where IS Your Mother? by Ava Carroll-Brown Copyright © 2011 by Ava Carroll-Brown. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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