Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

by Anne Katherine MA Narrated by Donna Postel

Overview

In the perennial favorite Boundaries, Anne Katherine introduced the concept and importance of personal limits. In Where to Draw the Line, she takes the next step with a practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a wide range of situations.



With every encounter, we either demonstrate that we'll protect what we value or that we'll give ourselves away. Healthy boundaries preserve our integrity. Unlike defenses, which isolate us from our true selves and from those we love, boundaries filter out harm.



This book provides the tools and insights needed to create boundaries, which will free time and energy for the things that matter-and helps break down limiting defenses that stunt personal growth. Focusing on every facet of daily life-from friendships and sexual relationships to dress and appearance to money, food, and psychotherapy-Katherine presents case studies highlighting the ways in which individuals violate their own boundaries or let other people breach them. Using real-life examples, from self-sacrificing mothers to obsessive neat freaks, she offers specific advice on making choices that balance one's own needs with the needs of others.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940171186944
Publisher:	Tantor Audio
Publication date:	05/22/2018
Edition description:	Unabridged

Read an Excerpt

From Chapter 13: How to Create Successful Holidays

Before the Holiday

After the Holiday

Weddings

The most important people at a wedding ceremony are the two people about to plight their troth. Regardless of family tradition, social standing, or social obligations to distant people, it's the couple's inauguration to their own marriage.

Of course, choices may be limited by financial restrictions — and it is important not to put yourself into financial difficulty for the sake of your own or someone else's wedding — but once financial limits are respected, remember that it's the substance, not the form, that matters most.

If your daughter wants to be married in a cowboy outfit, why not? You had your chance. It's her turn now. If the nuptial couple doesn't want to serve alcohol at the reception, don't bring alcohol to the event. If they don't want any gifts made from animal products, check labels before buying.

Control issues around weddings may be arising from the difficulty of taking in that this younger generation is embarking on adult life. Let go. Be graceful. Cry on your spouse's shoulder. The bride and groom are picking up their own reins. Let them.

Birthdays

The birthday person gets to set the boundaries for his own celebration. Pay attention to hints about gifts. Some families make a little hint basket for each member, in which they can drop pictures or ads or want lists throughout the year.

Respect preferences. Even though you'd be thrilled if every friend since kindergarten showed up for your fortieth birthday bash, your spouse might just grin and bear such a shindig. Surprises can be fun and a sign of your love, but keep them within the comfort limits of the person being surprised.

Know your person. Jim would love a roast. Tim would be embarrassed. Slim would feel exposed. Ken would be insulted. If in doubt, ask.

Valentine's Day

Although this holiday is for both lovers for the most part, women especially set a lot of store by Valentine's Day. This is not the time to get gruff and stand on your principles if your woman wants to be treated like a princess for one evening.

Think of it this way. You will get a lot of points for putting yourself out for this one holiday. For the twenty minutes it takes to make a reservation, order flowers, pick out a card, and tell her you have a surprise and she'll need to dress up a little, you will get credits for days. If you draw a blank about how to treat her like a princess, ask any woman.

A satisfactory Valentine's Day strengthens the integrity of an intimate relationship, while an unwillingness to consider a spouse's need to receive special treatment now and then can be a violation that stretches the fabric of the relationship.

But It's Thanksgiving!

No occasion or holiday is reason enough for you to subject yourself to abuse. I can't count the times I've heard a client say, "Well, of course, I have to go spend the week with:

After all, it's:

Why should you spend your holiday being treated badly? For the sake of the someone else's holiday, is it okay for you to be disregarded, criticized, humiliated, sexually harassed, or exposed to the boring inanities of a drunk?

No! If you aren't able to set boundaries with these people yet, or if they aren't capable of respecting boundaries you set, you just plain don't have to go.

You get to have a wonderful holiday. You are not required to sacrifice it for someone who treats you badly just because you are related to them. Wrap up this book, stick a bow on it, send it to them as a present, and say, "When you understand Chapter_________, give me a call."

Other options are:

Gifts

The fine art of gift giving can strengthen the boundaries of a relationship. A gift that fits its recipient enhances a relationship. A good gift communicates, "I care about you." A great gift communicates, "I know who you are." By taking a moment to think about your friend or loved one, you can pick a gift that says, "I know you. I know what you like and care about."

The closer you are to someone, the more important it is to give a gift that truly delights and pleases them, that they will use or enjoy. If you aren't able to imagine what that could be, ask them.

A message hits with more impact when it is wrapped in gift paper, because a gift sets up an expectation. We know to back up and put up some protection when someone is screaming at us, but when someone offers a pretty package, we lower our protection.

A gift opens us. We relax. In this opened state, the painful message behind a poorly chosen or inappropriate gift goes deeper.

Nevertheless, it's good to make allowances for people who love you dearly but just don't have much imagination. Since Dad's perpetual concern is for your protection, when you graduate from law school, he gives you a car jack. He truly means well and it comes from love, so you needn't be stung by it.

If someone close to you simply has not mastered the art of gift giving, give them a list of things you'd like to have, including sizes and preferred colors. In doing this you are saying, "Gifts outside this limit will strain a festive occasion and cast a shadow at a time when we could be strengthening our connection. Gifts within this limit will delight me and improve our relationship."

Cost is not as important as thoughtfulness. If your wife likes having her feet rubbed, ten cute handmade coupons for foot rubs might be appreciated more than expensive earrings.

Know what gifts would be a bomb. Most women would not like getting a vacuum cleaner for their birthday. I wonder if men get tired of getting socks and ties.

Giving a manipulative gift can harm a relationship. For example, Hortense always gave Lizbeth, her adult daughter, gifts that fit Hortense's expectations of Lizbeth. She wanted Lizbeth to join the Junior League and enter society, so she gave Lizbeth expensive clothes and jewelry that fit Hortense's lifestyle. But Lizbeth, who loved her job as a nurse at an inner-city clinic, wore jeans and T-shirts when she wasn't in uniform, and led a casual life. She had no use or room for her mother's presents, and the inherent pressure of such gifts drove a wedge between them.

Mitchell always gave his daughter clothes in the wrong size and style. He picked lovely things, but two sizes too small. Nancy took this as a message that he was critical of her weight. Plus, the clothes seemed more than a bit on the sexy side. It seemed just past the edge of appropriate, as if he wanted to see her dressed in a way that emphasized her sexuality.

Copyright © 2000 by Anne Katherine

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