White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How to Do Better

by Regina Jackson, Saira Rao Narrated by Regina Jackson, Saira Rao, Deanna Anthony

Overview

An instant New York Times Bestseller!

A no-holds-barred guidebook aimed at white women who want to stop being nice and start dismantling white supremacy from the team behind Race2Dinner and the documentary film, Deconstructing Karen

It's no secret that white women are conditioned to be "nice," but did you know that the desire to be perfect and to avoid conflict at all costs are characteristics of white supremacy culture? 

As the founders of Race2Dinner, an organization which facilitates conversations between white women about racism and white supremacy, Regina Jackson and Saira Rao have noticed white women's tendency to maintain a veneer of niceness, and strive for perfection, even at the expense of anti-racism work.

In this book, Jackson and Rao pose these urgent questions: how has being "nice" helped Black women, Indigenous women and other women of color? How has being "nice" helped you in your quest to end sexism? Has being "nice" earned you economic parity with white men? Beginning with freeing white women from this oppressive need to be nice, they deconstruct and analyze nine aspects of traditional white woman behavior--from tone-policing to weaponizing tears--that uphold white supremacy society, and hurt all of us who are trying to live a freer, more equitable life.

White Women is a call to action to those of you who are looking to take the next steps in dismantling white supremacy. Your white supremacy. If you are in fact doing real anti-racism work, you will find few reasons to be nice, as other white people want to limit your membership in the club. If you are not ticking white people off on a regular basis, you are not doing it right.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

This book dares to tell necessary truths. The kind of truths that can save lives, and if heard with an open mind and heart — may even help save the soul of this lost nation.” –Frederick Joseph, author of New York Times bestsellers Patriarchy Blues and The Black Friend

"In their recent The New York Times bestseller White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How To Do Better, Jackson and Rao are clearly more interested in confronting and challenging the subtle yet devastating ways that racism shows up than soothing, coaxing and coddling individual egos." — Forbes

"...what they’re offering is an opportunity for white women to free themselves and their communities from the toxic ideals of white supremacy and white culture, amessage that's ultimately optimistic and even cathartic." — Booklist

“WHITE WOMEN is not an easy read but is essential if you are dedicated to liberation for all and confronting white supremacy in all the parts of our lives where it hides so easily. This book is not an attack but an extraordinary gift, and I invite you to set your ego aside and approach it with humility and an open heart." –Anna Paquin, actress and producer

“[Jackson and Rao] are clear and concise, making their points with no room for argument… [they] are especially astute in their investigation of the language regarding White supremacy… [a] highly insightful, useful text.” –Kirkus Starred Review  

"I am excited for what this book means for us all. In a world where critical race theory is banned in classrooms across the USA, because the white people were not properly taught to think critically about their complicity in systemic oppression, this book is timely. We tend to tiptoe around whiteness, and this book rips the bandage off. This is the book many BIWOC have been needing to give to the white women in our lives; from our white co-workers to our white mother-in-laws, this book is no-holds-barred. This is the answer to many of our prayers." –Prisca Dorcas Mojica Rodríguez Author of For Brown Girls with Sharp Edges and Tender Hearts: A Love Letter to Women of Color

"Delivering clear and deliberate messaging, White Women enables white women to understand how our overt civility and desire to be nice above all else directly equates to racial avoidance and upholds white supremacy. It is the invitation you didn't realize you needed: accept it!" –Jo Lorenz, writer and co-founder of The Progressivists social media network


"The rawness and realness of these dinners and experiences, the wisdom, and quite frankly the courage Saira and Regina have, has the potential to be some of the most transformational work we have seen in this space in the last few years. The setting is genius, a perfect way to set the stage for the intimacy and radical honesty needed for this work. I felt every story. As a Black woman who facilitates similar conversations in my work with organizations, I know it’s necessary to have these frank conversations. But the way Saira and Regina approach it, there is little room for the participants to hide from the truth. Even with all of the heaviness, it’s an easy and entertaining read. I believe anyone and everyone interested in this work should read this book." –Michelle Saahene, Speaker, Coach, Community Leader

"This book is a sharply-defined lens through which white women who consider themselves allies need to see themselves, especially if they have any hope of stopping their patterns of harmful behavior towards Black and Brown and Indigenous folx of color, truly divesting from whiteness, and actually taking action in the fight against racism and white supremacy. I hate how necessary and important this book is, but for the white women who are willing to read with open hearts and ears, Saira and Regina tell it exactly like it is. If and when white women are ready to commit to racial justice, they need to move quickly beyond performative wokeness and graduate from fragility, and this book is a foundational text for that master class." –Tina Strawn, author and activist

"A must-read for all who have grown tired and weary of those who want to preserve the niceness of social interactions because of the way a situation looks instead of placing importance on what the reality is."— Library Journal

"White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How to Do Better" is the book that will change the narrative. Regina and Saira approach the topic in a way that is not meant to placate the reader, but to challenge them to change. This is different than most who choose a warm and fluffy tone. They deconstruct the narrative that racism is normal, and put accountability back in the hands of those who uphold the systems that cause harm." –Madison Butler, Founder, Blue Haired Unicorn

“White Women… is not an easy book to read. It’s also not a comforting read. It’s pretty raw and unflinching. It doesn’t pull punches. It’s upfront without apology and…Thank God!!! It’s a book that’s a necessary, urgent, must- read for white women who most definitely can do better.” – Marcie Alvis Walker, creator of Black Coffee with White Friends


"Rao and Jackson use poignant and sharp observations with moments of hilarity to highlight the institutional barriers we have to overcome to become a better society as a whole." –Abby Govindan, Comedian

Library Journal

09/01/2022

Jackson and Rao (cofounders of Race2Dinner, an organization that facilitates conversations between white women about racism and white supremacy) challenge readers to question their own relationship to racism. They also urge readers to come to terms with the way privileged white women routinely exploit people of color in order to demonstrate their own liberalism. Jackson and Rao issue a call-to-action to cast aside white-saviorism and embrace the discomfort of owning up to one's own implicit racial biases. Throughout the book, the authors draw intriguing parallels between racism and gender prejudice. VERDICT A must-read for all who have grown tired and weary of those who want to preserve the niceness of social interactions because of the way a situation looks instead of placing importance on what the reality is.—Alessandro Cimino

Kirkus Reviews

★ 2022-08-31
An energetic call to action for White women to fight against inherent elements of White supremacist thought.

Via careful examination of their personal experiences and those of the other people of color who gave testimony for this book, Jackson and Rao unpack the ways in which White women’s treatment of people (particularly women) of color upholds White supremacy. The authors are clear and concise, making their points with no room for argument. They present readers with incontrovertible evidence of inherent racism and how “White silence is violence.” The authors also show how being nice can only get you so far, and White women must do the work to move beyond merely serving as an ally. “Allies don’t have any skin in the game; they are standing side by side in solidarity,” write the authors. “But you do have skin in the game—your white skin. Stop aspiring to be an ally—and good Lord, stop calling yourself an ally. Rather, be an accomplice. A partner, a collaborator, a co-conspirator. Anything but an ally.” Jackson and Rao not only call out the racism of White women on the behalf of people of color; they also call attention to the fact that White supremacy is detrimental to White people as well. At every step, the authors call for substantive action and for White women to move beyond simply sharing inspirational memes, giving thoughts and prayers, and believing that positivity and “colorblindness” will solve racism. The authors are especially astute in their investigation of the language regarding White supremacy, noting that “the words ‘privilege’ and ‘fragility’ are so mild—so moderate, so proper, so subtle—when you consider what they are describing, the work these things do, the heavy lifting in upholding violence against people of color.” The authors also append a helpful glossary of relevant terms, including microaggression, toxic positivity, and tone policing.

A highly insightful, useful text.

Product Details

BN ID:	2940178540701
Publisher:	Penguin Random House
Publication date:	11/01/2022
Edition description:	Unabridged
Sales rank:	817,307

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Your Quest for Perfection Is Killing Us.
And You.

If white womanhood is a house, your need to be perfect is the foundation.

Being perfect is the key to your happiness, to your success, to your very existence.

Perfect hair. Perfect clothes. Perfect grades. Perfect nails. Perfect weddings. Perfect bodies. Perfect adoring and supportive wife and mother. Perfect employee and colleague.

White skin.

The foundational principle of perfection in a white supremacist society like ours is rooted in whiteness. Without it, your As will never be straight enough, your MVP trophies not shiny enough, your flowery dresses a bit wilted. Of course, white skin alone doesn't render you perfect, but without it, you have no chance. White skin is a necessary but insufficient ingredient of perfection. The con, of course, is there is no actual recipe for perfection. Every ingredient is ultimately insufficient, as there is no such thing as perfection.

Your endless quest for perfection is a trap. You will never be pretty enough. You will never be thin enough. You will never be smart enough or successful enough or rich enough.

Yet white women will die trying.

Saira should know. She used to be one of you.

Saira's Story

As the daughter of Indian immigrants, I was conditioned from birth to be the white woman ideal. Sometimes the language was overt: "No, you can't go to the pool. You'll get dark." Or "Priti is pretty, so fair." But more often than not, it was coded.

"Assimilate."

"Be more American."

Of course, we knew assimilation and American meant white, not Black. Even before my parents arrived in the US, they knew the drill: white people at the top, Black people at the bottom, and they'd fall somewhere in the middle. How did they know? American television, films, and books are exported around the world. Our white supremacy is broadcast to London, Dubai, Delhi, Buenos Aires, Johannesburg, and everywhere in between. In the case of India, my parents were born into British colonialism. Even before they consumed American media, they knew firsthand that whiteness was king and queen.

Thanks to the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965, my parents were able to leave their homeland, ravaged by the British, and seek out the "American dream." The immigration act was made possible by the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which was passed thanks to the tireless work of Black people. While they were able to come to America on the backs of Black folks, once my parents got here, they worked hard to stay as far away from those same Black folks as they possibly could. Because they knew.

The American dream requires assimilation.

Assimilation to whiteness.

We, of course, can never be white. But we do the next best thing: we work our butts off to be as close to white as possible. This requires us to be as close to perfect as one can get, better than those around us, even better than our white peers. Better at school. Better at work. Better at sports. Better at charm. Better at cooking, cleaning, baking, breathing.

It should be noted that our actions, as South Asian immigrants, embody anti-Black racism. Our assimilation requires us to be as anti-Black as we are pro-white. It requires not only a rejection of Black people but also a rejection of ourselves, our own brown skin, our culture. All in a desperate, impossible quest to cozy up to whiteness. This is called self-loathing, or internalized oppression. Internalized oppression is required to assimilate, to become American, to become white. The con, of course, is we are never white, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we believe otherwise.

And boy did I try, and even believe.

It was with this deeply held belief that I wrapped myself into my prettiest Laura Ashley dress, the one with white lilies on it, and shoved pearl earrings through my earlobes, a particularly painful act of self-loathing, as I knew my ears would be infected within the hour. It was a cool Charlottesville night, second semester of my freshman year at the University of Virginia. My hall mates (all white) and I set out together for the most time-honored of UVA traditions: sorority rush.

Even now, decades later, I can remember praying that I'd make it, that one of the prestige houses-Tri Delt or Theta or Kappa Kappa Gamma-would accept me, warts and all.

The proverbial warts being my brown skin.

It was with a profound sense of purpose and hope that I set out with legion other young women down Rugby Road, the central nervous system of UVA's Greek system.

What a sight to behold. Young white woman upon young white woman, with the errant Latina, Asian, or Black woman. Every hair was in place. Every dress on point. Same with our jewelry and makeup. Perfect.

It never occurred to me to even consider rushing the Black sororities. They were so foreign, so other, so lesser, they may as well have been nonexistent. There were no Asian sororities, and even if there had been, I wouldn't have rushed those either. Being Asian was lesser than white. I was going for the gold. I was going for the white.

We arrived in groups, giggling to assuage our nerves. A few women bragged about being legacies, how their mothers, grandmothers, and aunts were Kappas or Thetas here or Pi Phis or Tri Delts there. There was no such thing in India, so I did what I always did in such situations: I smiled and nodded, happy to celebrate the advantages of my white peers. House after house after house was the same. A sea of white faces, singing, dancing, welcoming us with donuts, cookies, and hot chocolate, while whispering to a select few blondes and brunettes about joining them at fraternity parties later on for real drinks. I cracked my best jokes, laughed heartily at theirs. I hugged hard and often. I sang along loudly. It was like I was auditioning for a Broadway chorus line.

Despite my best efforts, I got cut from Kappa in the first round. I was stunned. After all, I had just graduated from a private school in Richmond, like many of the Kappas. I had been perfect in high school. I was captain of the field hockey, basketball, and lacrosse teams. I was student body president. I was popular. I had played drinking games in suburban Virginia basements and jammed out with some of these women at Dave Matthews Band concerts. Not only had we played each other in sports, it was I who was the star of those games. If not best friends, we were certainly friendly.

And there I was, cut from their special club. Right out of the gate. Not worthy of even a second round of consideration.

A few months later, after I'd pledged a sorority that accepted more Black and brown women than the rest (three of us my year), I ran into one of those Kappas, a brunette who was a year older than me, a former field hockey rival.

"Can you chat?" Anne asked tipsily in a dank frat house.

"Sure," I responded.

We went around back, where a handful of white guys were smoking cigarettes. They paid us no attention.

"Listen, I'm sorry about Kappa," Anne said, tears already welling in her eyes.

"No problem," I responded, "I'm happy at Phi Mu. But I was confused about the first round. I thought I'd make it at least a little further."

"God, Saira," she said, the tears flowing. "We all voted you through, and then a few stood up and said, 'She's not Kappa material,' and Jenny said, 'What are you talking about. A bunch of us have known Saira for years. She's great.'"

Anne was now weeping.

"It's okay," I said, placing my hand on her back.

"But it's not," Anne said.

I knew what she was about to say. I felt sick, like I was about to vomit up crappy keg beer.

"They, they"-she trembled-"said, 'Saira is not Kappa material.'" She rubbed the skin on her forearm.

Anne said this as though I were unaware that my skin color had made me not Kappa material my entire life. I spent the next hour comforting Anne.

"You know I'm not racist, Saira," she said. "You know that, right?"

"Of course you're not," I assured her.

She looked up and down and lowered her voice. "It was Maggie, Ellen, and Suzanne. They were the ones."

And there it was: the white woman throwing her own kind under the bus to absolve herself.

It was them. Not me.

You always tell on each other. By design, you must. In order to maintain your perfection, others must be rendered imperfect; perfection can exist only in relief to imperfection. This system of white woman perfection creates intense competition. You're intimately familiar with this, how you stab each other in the back, rip each other apart, all in an attempt to make yourselves whole.

I didn't point out the obvious, that Anne hadn't stood up for me. Nor did she leave the room in protest. Nor did she leave the sorority altogether. Anne's silence was every bit as violent as Maggie, Ellen, and Suzanne's overt racism. But there was no time to point out these facts to Anne. I was too busy making her feel better.

I didn't realize it then, but I do now. Anne performed every act in the white woman variety show. Her friends say something racist. She remains silent. She feels guilty. She confides in a woman of color. She cries, thereby centering her feelings over the racial harm. She throws her fellow white women under the bus in order to distance herself from their violence. She now feels absolved while simultaneously remaining a part of the racist institution.

As for me, the brown woman? I play my role dutifully. I experience the racism. The harm is exacerbated by my having to deal with the white woman's tears. It has become my job to make her feel better about her silence, her complicity in the racism.

By the time we returned to the party, Anne felt better. I felt lousy. Anne rejoined her fellow Kappas on the dance floor. I walked back to my dorm and collapsed onto my floral comforter.

Fall gave way to winter. Laura Ashley became flannel shirts, jeans, and braided belts. The seasons changed but, still, I dressed like them. I listened to their music. I hung out at their bars, their frat houses. I took classes with them. They mocked me for studying all the time. I didn't have backup plans. They did.

Like a Coach saddle purse, my self-loathing was something I carried everywhere during my time at UVA. A night out in late spring of junior year was no exception. A group of us, a smattering of white ladies from different sororities, were hanging out. One was Linda, a dear and treasured friend, a woman whom I considered to be a true sister; a woman who would break my heart decades later, but looking back on it now, I realize she started to break it that night. I just chose to ignore it.

This particular evening, we were sitting at an outdoor table at the Corner, UVA's local hangout spot. The Beastie Boys' Ill Communication was pumping through the speakers, and strings of white lights were wrapped around the trees, supplying a hint of magic. We ordered thin-crust pizza with sun-dried tomatoes and artichoke hearts and sipped beer from cans.

I sat next to Linda and across from Kate and Amber. We chatted about summer plans. Linda and I planned to stay in Charlottesville and get jobs. Kate told us about how her mother really wanted her to spend one last summer with the family at their Martha's Vineyard home. There was a young East Asian couple seated a few tables over. Their accented English caught Kate's attention.

Kate fixed her eyes on the woman, took a swig of beer, leaned in, and giggled. "Oh my God," she said. "Amber, do you remember . . ."

Amber snorted before Kate could finish her sentence.

"Y'all," Amber whispered. "Kate and I were paired as roommates first year."

At that time, UVA randomly selected roommates for first-years. We received our assignments in the mail the summer before fall semester.

"And I about died." Amber eyed the East Asian woman. "Kate Lee. Lee."

They burst into laughter.

"Yeah?" Linda asked.

"Dude," Kate said, leaning in. "Amber thought I was Asian. Lee."

Linda started laughing, happy to be in on the joke.

"I seriously died," Amber said. "Like, what the fuck would I do with an Asian roommate."

The three of them burst into laughter. I prayed for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I hoped they would stop, move on, but they didn't. They kept looking at the East Asian couple and laughing.

"Guys." I finally managed to open my mouth. "Um. I'm Asian."

They paused and stared at me, surprised, as if I'd materialized out of nowhere.

Silence.

"Yeah, but you're not Asian Asian," Amber said, having scoured her mind for the right words.

But I am.

"Yeah, Saira," Kate said, "you're one of us."

But I'm clearly not.

Linda looked at me adoringly. "We love you."

Love me, but what? Hate them?

The most pathetic part of this story is that their grotesque words were accepted by me as compliments. In my mind, Amber, Kate, and Linda saw me so much as one of them that they forgot about my existence during this racist, xenophobic exchange. An invisible fly on a white wall.

I was able to stay, a welcome guest at that dinner, because I internalized their words. Unlike that East Asian couple, my English is spoken with a mid-Atlantic accent. I was with a group of white sorority girls, not one half of an all-Asian couple.

What does this story have to do with perfection?

For starters, there is nothing, literally nothing, that Black, Indigenous, and brown women can do to achieve the perfection of you. We can be more successful at school and at work. We can have more expensive clothes, bigger houses, take fancier vacations. Yet we will always lack the foundational qualification: being white.

What do you think would have happened had I pointed out how racist Linda, Kate, and Amber were acting that night? How do you think they would have reacted? Do you think I would have remained in their friend circle? Or do you think they would have cried? Insisted that they weren't racist? That I had to know that they weren't racist! I had to know that they were only joking. If I wanted to keep my social standing, could I have been radically honest about their racism, or would I have to make them feel better? Would I have to let it go?

Videos