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CHAPTER 1: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT
It's 10 P.M., and my partner in writing and crime, Mark Leyner, and I are late as usual, but the party is in full swing. We brought a bottle of Don Julio tequila, which Leyner sampled voraciously in the cab, insisting that it needed to be screened for industrial toxins. We enter the elegantly appointed Park Avenue home of Eloise Cameron, a philanthropist, patron of the arts, and Botox junkie. Hors d'oeuvres are being served and the slightly inebriated and flush-faced Leyner grabs a mouthful of Swedish meatballs, proceeds to kiss our hostess, and then comments, "Eloise, baby, better lay off the collagen. Kissing those lips is like making out with the Michelin man." She attempts to smirk with disdain, but the Botox leaves her face impassive.
I corral Leyner and we proceed into the living room. No sooner have we entered when I'm embraced from behind. I turn around and it's Jeremy Burns, an investment banker who sits two rows behind me at the Knicks games. Jeremy is well known to the Madison Square Garden food vendors for his insatiable appetite for hot dogs, cotton candy, and beer. He is now almost unrecognizable in his new Atkins-induced skeletonlike state. "Who exhumed you?" Leyner belches. I am overcome by embarrassment but secretly wetting myself with laughter. Jeremy tries to sidestep Leyner and as their arms brush, Leyner is covered with the grease that now oozes from Jeremy's pores. Leyner whispers to me, "This dude is all greased up like a rectal thermometer." I push Leyner away and he uses this opportunity to sneak over to the bar for another blast of Don Julio. I am left with Jeremy and his insufferable stories about life on the meat and fat diet, and a million medical questions about food.
If we are what we eat, why do we know so little about food and nutrition?
DOES IT REALLY TAKE SEVEN YEARS TO DIGEST CHEWING GUM?
What is it with seven years? You break a mirror, seven years of bad luck. Each dog year is seven human years. Seven years to digest swallowed gum? What if a dog broke a mirror then swallowed a pack of gum? Sounds like an algebra problem.
Chewing gum is not digestible but it definitely doesn't sit in your stomach for years. Gum actually might help things move through the bowels faster. Sorbitol is sometimes used as a sweetener in gum and this can act as a laxative. What does this mean? Yes, if you look carefully, you should see it floating next to all of those lovely yellow corn kernels.
WHY DOES YOUR PEE SMELL WHEN YOU EAT ASPARAGUS?
Asparagus contains a sulfur compound called mercaptan. It is also found in onions, garlic, rotten eggs, and in the secretions of skunks. The signature smell occurs when this substance is broken down in your digestive system. Not all people have the gene for the enzyme that breaks down mercaptan, so some of you can eat all the asparagus you want without stinking up the place. One study published in the British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology found that only 46 percent of British people tested produced the odor while 100 percent of French people tested did. Insert your favorite French joke here________________________________.
WHAT CAUSES AN ICE CREAM HEADACHE?
Aaaah, the joy of a Popsicle on a hot summer day.
One theory places the source for the brain freeze in the sinuses, where the pain may be caused by the rapid cooling of air in the frontal sinuses. This triggers local pain receptors.
Another theory postulates that the constriction of blood vessels in the roof and rear of the mouth causes pain receptors to overload and refer the pain to your head. There is a nerve center there, in the back of your mouth, called the sphenopalatine ganglion, and this is the most likely source of the dreaded ice cream headache.
A friend of ours suggested a quick cure of rapidly rubbing your tongue on the roof of your mouth to warm it up. Her demonstration included a bizarre clucking sound. Leyner tried this and found himself followed by a large goose of whom he seems to have become inordinately fond.
Excerpted from Why Do Men Have Nipples? by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, M.D. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
seldombites
Posted December 21, 2011
This book is both amusing and informative. A few of the questions weren't really fully answered to my satisfaction, but I did pick up quite a few fun facts. I found the chat intermissions a little annoying at first, but I soon grew used to them and relaxed into the humour break. This book is well worth reading and I will be looking up their other books at some point in the future.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.A good book to read to show off your useless knowledge skills...also funny to read with a group of friends.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted February 16, 2009
This really is a fun read. It answers questions you might go online to find the answers to, instead of asking out loud. It is written in an entertaining way. I keep wanting to read parts out loud to my husband, but some may be a bit mature for my 10 year old. LOL.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.lilypod
Posted February 9, 2009
Enjoyable book. I found it humorous, informative and interesting. Good "pick up/put down" book .
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted August 9, 2006
This book does answer a lot of the questions we all ask (anyone but our doctor!) I like that it is humorous. All in all, an enjoyable and recommended read.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 11, 2006
i highly recommend this book. very humorous. although not all the topics brought up in book are answered.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted December 12, 2007
there is nothing better then this book!!!!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted February 23, 2006
This book is not for anyone who has more than a highschool education, or for anyone possessing medical knowledge. I'm suprised the book is co-written by a physician because of how dumbed-down the writing style is, plus many of the questions are not even answered adequately. Anyone with common sense probably knows most of what the book attempts to discuss. Secondly, the pop culture referals and instant messaging dialogue added to the book I found irritating, which I skipped over. I was largely unimpressed and only finished reading to book so I could say I read the book. It was not worth my time to read (and I'm greatful I didn't waste and money because, I borrowed it from a friend). Perhaps the worse book I have read in a long time, not recommended.
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted February 12, 2006
It's a funny, quick read that packs in all of Mark Leyner's quirky sense of humor. The anecdotes themselves are hilarious. You don't read the book to really, really learn something, although you inevitably do along the way. You read the book to have a good laugh and ponder some of the stranger things in life. A great gift -- for yourself, too.
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Posted December 4, 2005
I was sitting in my third hour a few weeks ago, and my friend suddenly handed me this book before class started, stating it was the best book ever created. The title itself just makes you interested in reading it, and it makes you wonder 'Why do men have nipples?' And thus your journey begins to find the answer. Though that isn't the first question that I flipped right to. This book sparks up other questions as well and once you've read the answer to one of the questions the next one is just as weird and funny. I definitely think, if you're one of those random, out-going people who enjoy laughing to pick up this book, at least read a few questions and then you'll be hooked.
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Posted January 24, 2006
I have never enjoyed a book as much as i have enjoyed this one. Truly fantastic. That Mark Leyner is an absolute genious. Incredible. I am astounded by how so many positive emotions can be concocted by a simple book. I applaud this triumph strongly. Mark Leyner is my hero.
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Posted December 28, 2005
This was a good book but not as great as some people say it is. I finally did get answers to some questions i always wondered about and some i never even thought of. But there are other questions that i wonder why they even bothered putting them in there. Between sections of the book they put recorded chats the two authors had while they were putting the book together. Some of these seemed to have no real purpose for the book and in my opinion should have been left out. I would recommend this book though.
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Posted December 12, 2005
Much of this book is simply about the way the book itself was written. Every so often, the book takes a foray away from answering medical questions and simply begans regaling us with paritally true stories of how the book came to be written. If this had all been in the introduction, fine, then I could have skipped it. Also, the authors fail to answer a couple of the questions and get sidetracked and answer related questions. For Q-and-A on bizarre topics, read the far superior 'Imponderables' collection.
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Posted September 25, 2005
I loved every page of this book! Funny AND you learn something!
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Posted August 27, 2005
I was always one of those kid's that asked my Dad repeatedly 'Why'. Some of the stupidest to the greatest questions and answers are found here.
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Posted August 14, 2005
i found this book to be funny ,helful and just plain great book to read it will make great gifts to men and women so dont be shy go out and buy them up and give them up to everyone you know it will be the best gift you will give not to mention its a great price too so buy buy buy and give give give ITS A MUST READ
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Posted September 8, 2005
This book is very funny,and informative. It has questions ive been wondering about since I was a kid. The only kinda slow part is the IMs between the authors, although some are very funny. Would def. recommend.
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Posted September 3, 2005
I bought this book the day it hit shelves and couldn't put it down.It was funny and amusing.As I read through the book I found alot of questions in the book that i have thought about many times.Hopefully there will be a part two.
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Posted August 29, 2005
This is a rather entertaining and silly book of questions. Most of which I truly have wondered about. Thus, it's a satifying read. It's a great book to take on a date and get the conversation going. Yet, it lacks depth. Still, in a light sort of way, it's a fun satisfying book. It doesn't answer any spiritual questions however. For that I would check out my book recommendation.
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Posted August 11, 2005
This book answers it all! Fun to read and so useful for dinner conversation. Dr. Billy Goldberg is super cute too!
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Overview
Is There a Doctor in the House?Say you’re at a party. You’ve had a martini or three, and you mingle through the crowd, wondering how long you need to stay before going out for pizza. Suddenly you’re introduced to someone new, Dr. Nice Tomeetya. You forget the pizza. Now is the perfect time to bring up all those strange questions you’d like to ask during an office visit with ...