Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men [NOOK Book]

Overview

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this ...
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Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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Overview

"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."

Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:

€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely
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Editorial Reviews

Library Journal
Having worked with abusive men for 15 years, Bancroft explains clearly what causes such behavior, describes the nine abusive personality types (from verbal abuser to batterer), and outlines the "warning signs." (LJ 8/02) Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.
From the Publisher
"This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs." —-Library Journal Starred Review
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781101220733
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA)
  • Publication date: 9/2/2003
  • Sold by: Penguin Group
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 432
  • Sales rank: 29,477
  • File size: 451 KB

Meet the Author

Lundy Bancroft has spent the last fifteen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men and is considered one of the world’s experts on the subject. He is the author of journal articles on abuse that have appeared in The New England Journal of Medicine and The Journal of Contemporary Psychology. The former codirector at Emerge, the nation’s first program for abusive men, Bancroft now practices in Massachusetts while training various state and judicial agencies in dealing with domestic abuse situations.
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Table of Contents

Why Does He Do That? Acknowledgments
Note on Terminology
Introduction
Part I: The Nature of Abusive Thinking
1. The Mystery
2. The Mythology
3. The Abusive Mentality
4. The Types of Abusive Men

Part II: The Abusive Man in Relationships
5. How Abuse Begins
6. The Abusive Man in Everyday Life
7. Abusive Men and Sex
8. Abusive Men and Addiction
9. The Abusive Man and Breaking Up

Part III: The Abusive Man in the World
10. Abusive Men as Parents
11. Abusive Men and Their Allies
12. The Abusive Man and the Legal System

Part IV: Changing the Abusive Man
13. The Making of an Abusive Man
14. The Process of Change
15. Creating an Abuse-Free World

Resources
Index

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 80 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(64)

4 Star

(7)

3 Star

(5)

2 Star

(2)

1 Star

(2)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 80 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 16, 2008

    One of the most freeing books I have ever read

    Thank you Mr. Bancroft! Finally someone is bringing the truth of verbal abuse out in the open. And with such accurate detail. Aside from my Bible this is the most freeing book I have ever read. I lived with a rag-o-holic for 25 years. According to him I always said or did something to push him into a rage. It was truly eye opening to read 'it is never his things that are broken, only yours.' How very true! As I was reading this book, I felt as if Mr. Bancroft had been a silent fly in our house. This book took away so much of the guilt my ex had 'tried' to place on my shoulders, both during the marriage and the divorce. Verbal abuse is so very hard for outsiders to believe, especially if the abuser is calm and soft spoken outside of the home. I have had very little contact with my ex, but the times I have had to, I go over my highlights in the book before I do. I think this book should be a must read for ALL teenagers who are starting to develop relationships.

    13 out of 13 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 10, 2008

    This book will change your life.

    This book was given to me by a dear friend who was concerned for my mental, emotional, and physical health. It is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship and I was so emotionally exhausted and I couldn't even recollect what happiness felt like. As I began to read the book I felt as if my life was on those pages. I have heard and experienced the exact examples displayed. My initial reaction was depression because its difficult to admit that you have allowed yourself to be treated so badly or admit to yourself that someone you love would treat you so badly. But the thing that was more powerful than the sadness was the empowerment. It gave clear explanations on the cycles of abuse and what you need to do to stop it. I was able to leave my environment because of this book. It makes you feel sane because finally all of those feeling you have that say something is wrong are validated when you have clear explanations. I recommend every woman read this book, hopefully it can save other woman from ever experiencing abuse by being educated from the beginning.

    11 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Excellent!!!

    This book saved my life. I had read Patricia Evans' book, but still was hopeful my verbal abuser would change. From Bancroft's experience in working with abusers, they rarely, if ever, change. I am in the process of a divorce from my abusive husband of over 30 years. Bancroft's compassion for the victims' experience is amazing.

    10 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 15, 2009

    An Empowering Book

    I purchased this book with sending it to my mom in mind. I read it first and then mailed it to her. I wanted to make sure I knew what information was in this book so I could discuss it thoroughly with her. The information ended up helping me heal from being in a bad marriage for over ten years. I've been divorced for a few years now. Our youngest son had taken on his dad's moral and value system when it comes to women, especially me. After reading the book it helped empower me on how to better deal with this and our time together has been much healthier. I now know that the abuser needs no sympathy and they actually enjoy the abuse to the woman. No more for me!!! I am remarried to a man who values women in a healthy way. My mom has been empowered also and asserts herself on a more regualr basis. She read the book twice. Thanks for getting the truth out there!!

    8 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 17, 2008

    Ordering again, and again, and again.

    I keep buying this book, and keep loaning it out, and it starts on a journey to help others. Today I am ordering it again, and I know this will be the same story over again. After working with victims/survivors for forty years as an advocate/counselor of Domestic Violence/Rape Sexual assault, I find this book relates and conveys the challenges frankly. It is documented and not opinion. I recommend it for anyone experiencing or interested in the subject. Especially men.

    8 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 19, 2007

    This book saved me!!!!!!!

    This book opened my eyes to the way my ex-husband was abusing me. If it weren't for this book I would probably still be trapped in his viscious cycle. I learned ALOT from this book and it helped me to heal. I recommend this book to EVERY Woman so she knows how to avoid men like them. My daughter will be reading this as soon as she starts dating.

    8 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 9, 2005

    Validation for Victims

    As the victim in a verbally abusive relatinship, I was overwhelmed the first time I read this book. It finally put some sense into everything I had experienced but couldn't explain. I realized I wasn't crazy, that my husband was abusive and that my escalating fear of him becoming more physically abusive was justified. I felt so validated reading this book. It was an excellent tool for helping identify real change - or lack thereof. Really an excellent book.

    7 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted December 15, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    THE BEST!!

    I have read and re-read this book at least 3-4 times! "Why Does He Do That", helped me not only make sense of the relationship I was in and how I was being treated it answered and taught me WHY and HOW. If you keep asking why is this happening, why would he do that...this book will give you answers. Lundy Bancroft did an awesome job researching, writing, shedding light on the behaviors associated with the abuse many women deal with in their marriage or relationships with men.

    There are many great books out there...I have read them all!! My counselor ask me about books I have read and can recommend for her other patients.

    If you are searching for answers...Please read! This is one book I will not ever get rid of.

    6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 4, 2009

    This book is amazing!

    I read this book after I left my now ex husband. Right after I left him. I felt so much guilt at the time. I left in fear of my life, but I kept thinking that he's really not a bad person, he's a victim of his childhood, that he could be so nice to me at times. If he could just get off the drugs and alcohol everything would be okay...After reading this book, I never felt another sliver of guilt. I didn't even realize I had been emotionally abused until reading this book. I knew I had been physically abused. Mr. Bancroft opened my eyes. From the 'cycle' of abuse, to understanding that my ex husband will probably never change, understanding that being nice sometimes is a tactic of abusers. What really got me is the 'types' of abusers he profiles. I felt that he was writing about my ex husband directly, not a category of abuse. I have a deep admiration for Mr. Bancroft for writing this book. It was exactly what I needed to move on with my life. And to recognize abuse coming from a distance from that point forward.

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 4, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Worth two months in therapy!

    This book was suggested to me by a dear friend who is also going through a divorce from "an angry, controlling man". She said "read it, and do it now"! I did and could not put it down. My book is full of turned back pages where I had multiple "oh yes!" moments. It was both comforting and distressing because I discovered I had been giving in to his threats and intimidation since before we were married 18 years ago.
    It is written by a psychiatrist whose practice was with abusive, controlling men. Bancroft not only described the characteristics of these men perfectly, but left me with the strength to say "that's it! I will not take one more day of that verbal punishment".
    My own therapist is going to use it as required reading for women in her practice, who like myself, just "put up with it" for years and years and totally lost ourselves...

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 9, 2005

    Enlightening

    This book is great for victims and counsels. Bancroft enlightens the readers into The psyche of the abuser. Which is near impossible. This book actually addresses the issue of ¿Verbal Abuse¿ not just Physical abuse. Bancroft helps the reader reflect the mental dangers that abuse cause. Until you read this book some of these issues may not even be apparent to the victim. I highly recommend this book. Signed a previous victim.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 28, 2004

    Save youself - you can't save him!!!

    This book really opened up my eyes to what my boyfriend was doing. His entitlement, manipulation, control, power, and self-centeredness were so disguised that even though I knew he wasn't treating me right, I still couldn't leave him. Once you're able to step outside of it (even if for only an hour to read a chapter), you really start to believe that his treatment is NOT ok and only you can put a stop to it. After reading this book I got a restraining order.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 4, 2011

    OMG!!! GIVES YOU CLARITY

    I am only in the 2nd Chapter, but I can't believe it.
    I'm not going crazy, my thinking was correct and I'm not self-doubting ANYMORE!
    I truly loved my husband - what I did for love - :-(
    When we first met he was MR. WONDERFUL and put on such a good show for all the family, friends and public. Nobody would ever believe what I was going through - I didn't even know what I was going through.
    I thought it was PTSD, I made so many excuses for his behavior for the way he was treating me.
    I left him last June when he threatened to take us both out in the vehicle because he was so angery/raged over nothing.
    HE WAS NOTHING BUT A USER AND ABUSER!
    I just pray/hope the Justice System will be kind to me. I left my home, my life. We had borrowed money from my Mom, I've been making payments to her, HE HAS PAID HER NOTHING. He even wanted me to borrow more from my Mom and I listened to my heart and told him no.

    This book will be my BIBLE through this Divorce and in the future with Men. It's a must read, espeically if your not smart about abuse or abusive men.
    I can't wait to finish

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 4, 2009

    Shockingly Insightful

    This unafraid and accurate description of the dark side of man should be required reading for every woman and man. On the down side because these con artists are so stealthy and dangerous and there is so much that a woman stands to loose I now am commited to staying single for the rest of my life. The risks are to great. After reading the entire book I started to question whether it is kinder to know the evil that enhabits so many men or to remain ignorant because that would be the only way to remain unafraid to leave your heart open to the oposite gender. I still wonder.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 8, 2005

    It saved my life.

    This book saved my life. After two visits to the emergency room a good friend gave me this book. I read it and cried on a plane from NY to Nevada after realizing he would never change so I had to make a change for survival. It is straight forward and direct for women experiencing the horror of physical abuse. The practical advice was helpful.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 8, 2004

    Bancroft's books are usually on target

    The behavioral dynamics of abuse are well detailed along with the most common responses of victims. Although most domestic violence agencies keep a library of similar books as texts; this is also very good for victims, former victims or those just seeking knowledge of these behaviors. I work in the field of domestic violence and we had one former client who swears by Bancroft. His books provide enough information without being dry or preachy.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 12, 2011

    My life

    I am an educator in the public school system, intellegent woman mother of three grown children two in college and one in the Army. I found myself in a relationship of six years and three of those married I felt as though I was going crazy. One day during an online search for a recommended psychologist I came across this book I ordered it. Awesome, life changing book needless to say I am not crazy, I found that I was on every page of this book. I found that the man I was married to was emotionally abusive. I highly recommend this book if your partner makes you feel that it's your fault that he threw the remote, it's your fault that he comes home at 4:30 in the morning, and if your partner breaks only your things when he is mad at you. This book will open your eyes.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 21, 2010

    Bancroft sheds an innovative look at control and why

    This book through comprehensive detailed therapy of controlling men, helps to form a better look at what is really going on in the motivation and the reward of control. Bancroft worked with clients for over 15 years beginning with one of the first programs in the USA to offer services for men that abuse women. Her approach was always to include the womans perspective whether they were with the man or not any longer. Her experience is clear when coding and conceptualizing real reasons based upon her work with both sexes making this book a must read for either counselors, or victims. The disscussion on how abuse has been maintained in the USA over history, and then how to overcome it, sheds additional light into the phenomena. The outlook on reform, is cautious but optimistic, and the author gives great tools to measure realistic expectatations and options. Over all, this is a wonderfully put together book and helpful in many capacities as to how to cope with a woman in an abusive relationship, how to cope as a women in an abusive relationship, and many other answers to questions and outcomes stemming from control and abuse.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 10, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Very Helpful

    I felt this book was very helpful in further understanding what my boyfriend was doing, and why he was treating me badly. It also covered many categories that abusers may fall into with regards to their thoughts and behaviors.I have not read the book cover to cover yet, but have flipped through areas that applied to me. I can tell that the whole book will be informative in all areas.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 3, 2012

    Most enlightening book on abusive relationships ever written!

    Lundy Bancroft clearly explains how abusers manipulate their victims and the world around them. It demystifies the confusion the abuser inflicts to control their victims and hide their behavior from everyone else. Also how they manage to fool experts in law enforcement, psychology, the court system, etc. Worst of all how the abuser still looks like a good person to his victims friends and family.
    I've read many books on this subject that categorize behaviors victims see and focus on the relationship between the couple. Those books tell the victim that they are not to blame, etc. Bancroft CONVINCES the victim of the same things and more.
    Bancroft covers territory missed by other authors, such as several emotional payoffs the abuser receives as a result of his behavior and why he would never change and give those up.
    This is the one book you absolutely need to read to leave an abusive relationship. And the best gift you could give a victimized loved one.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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