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Why Girls Are Weird

Why Girls Are Weird

4.2 29
by Pamela Ribon

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She was just writing a story.
When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet, she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them. He's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with


She was just writing a story.
When Anna Koval decides to creatively kill time at her library job in Austin by teaching herself HTML and posting partially fabricated stories about her life on the Internet, she hardly imagines anyone besides her friend Dale is going to read them. He's been bugging her to start writing again since her breakup with Ian over a year ago. And so what if the "Anna K" persona in Anna's online journal has a fabulous boyfriend named Ian? It's not like the real Ian will ever find out about it.

The story started writing itself.
Almost instantly Anna K starts getting e-mail from adoring fans that read her daily postings religiously. One devotee, Tess, seems intent on becoming Anna K's real-life best friend and another, a male admirer who goes by the name of "Ldobler," sounds like he'd want to date Anna K if she didn't already have a boyfriend. Meanwhile, the real Anna can't help but wonder if her newfound fans like her or the alter ego she's created. It's only a matter of time before fact and fiction collide and force Anna to decide not only who she wants to be with, but who she wants to be.

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Downtown Press
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5.30(w) x 0.90(h) x 8.20(d)

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Chapter 000001.

The House of Smut Revealed

24 June

It's been a long time since I've played with dolls. I've never really thought back on my time with plastic humans before, but today, as I was watching a group of giggly young girls browsing Barbies in the Wal-Mart, I remembered that feeling — that strange sexual energy and giddy shame of playing Barbies in my bedroom. It was a spinning, dizzy sensation. My friends and I spoke in hushed tones as we held these dolls in various stages of dress. If our parents had ever found out what we were doing, those dolls certainly would have been taken away from us. It wasn't our fault Barbie and her pals released our initial sexuality. We were young and full of questions and those dolls are shaped like handheld sexpots.

Barbie has big, incredible breasts with this soft spot between them that your thumb fits into just perfectly. She's not wearing anything underneath her clothing. You can put her in panties and a bra for a quick jog or you can have her make eggs in the Barbie Dream Kitchen wearing only a pair of spiked heels. You can pull her hair up or have it going down all the way to her high and tight ass.

Ken is big and bold and square. He's got a strong chin and jaw. His hair is blond, and sort of wavy. You can run your fingernail along the hard ridges on his head. Or can you? I can't remember if Ken had real hair. I think some of my Kens did. He is very muscular, and the bulge under his pants is impressive enough that you wonder if all boys polish their bulge as often as you'd polish Ken's with Windex. Ken has a nice, defined butt that looks good in a pair of swim trunks.

Barbie and Ken were very different from Donny and Marie. Yes, Donny and Marie Osmond. The fact that I loved Donny and Marie at three or four or however old I was might clue you in on the kind of childhood I had. I spent too much time in front of the television and I loved variety shows. What four-year-old loves variety shows? And were there so many four-year-olds in love with Donny and Marie that they had to make dolls of them? And why did I still have these dolls once I turned ten? Why didn't I get new dolls? I can't really start thinking too much about the hows or whys because it's all so fucked up that I end up wanting to go back in time to scoop up tiny little me and hold her and tell her about the Partridge Family. Anyway, I had these Mormon musical star dolls, but I had no idea what a Mormon was, so they ended up being gigantic sinners in my house.

Marie had short brown hair that was like Sally Field's helmet in Steel Magnolias. She was completely flat-chested. As bad as Skipper, if I remember correctly. Clothes just sat on her, and there was never a need for a belt. Her hand had a hole in it. You could stick her microphone there, but I knew just enough about Mormons to fit a diamond ring in the spot. I had Donny and Marie married, because I was young and thought anyone could get married as long as they loved each other.

Donny was wearing plastic tighty-whiteys. Seriously. There was an extra ridge of plastic that went around Donny's waist and legs. There was no bulge. His hair was dark and slicked down. A plastic shield — there was no fucking around with Donny Osmond's hair. His smile was so bright and big. I think they painted stars in his eyes. He also had a hole in his hand, but if you did it just right, you could stick one of Barbie's spiked heels in the hole and have him sniff Barbie's shoe. Donny and Marie didn't have enough money for rent, so they lived off their love in a Buster Brown shoebox. Only a ten-year-old can create an incestuous Mormon celebrity relationship and have it be romantic.

Barbie's legs were very difficult to open. You had to jam Ken between them. Donny's arms were already bent at just enough of an angle that you could prop Barbie's legs on each one and they were good to go. Marie's head could turn all the way around. The hole in her hand could also hold a small martini glass. Most of my dolls had marks on their backs from being bound, gagged, and jammed into the bed of my Tonka 4x4.

The Barbie without a left pinkie was the fetishist and she'd often blindfold Strawberry Shortcake and sniff her all over. Custard wore a spiked collar made of toothpicks.

One day the Barbie without a head convinced Donny and Marie to put pink and blue Life pegs through the holes in their hands. The Barbies pretended the pegs were hits of acid and got the Osmonds to think they could fly.

The Barbie Town House had a pulley system for the house elevator. Ken and Skipper enjoyed a quick romp on top of the elevator while it was going up, jumping off on the third floor just before they'd be crushed to death.

I had to give some of my dolls distinguishing marks so I could keep track of all of their fetishes. I didn't want the nudist Barbies to end up bathing with the dolls that liked to sleep with Weebles. Barbie GreenHair liked to take baths in cotton balls. She also enjoyed wrapping herself from head to toe in toilet paper. Skipper MarkerFace enjoyed cutting the hair off other Barbie dolls and taping it to her back. One doll had hair that would grow if you pushed a button on her back or shorten if you twisted her arm. The other Barbies would torture her by pulling on her hair while twisting her arm at the same time. Then they'd eat her hair. Barbie BackwardsLegs enjoyed riding cats. She'd strap herself on and hang on for dear life while they'd buck and toss and eventually eat her head. She was a wild one, Barbie BackwardsLegs. I miss the hell out of her.

Boys loved girls, girls loved girls, boys loved boys, and boys loved girls that loved girls. Anything went in the Barbie Town House.

And, oh, man, they still talk about the day Jem and the Holograms showed up with six bottles of tequila and a roll of paper towels.

Love until later,

Anna K

Copyright © 2003 by Pamela Ribbon

Meet the Author

Pamela Ribon is a bestselling author, television writer and performer. A pioneer in the blogging world, her first novel, Why Girls Are Weird, was loosely based on her extremely successful website pamie.com. The site has been nominated for a Bloggie in Lifetime Achievement, which makes her feel old. Ribon created the cult sensation and tabloid tidbit Call Us Crazy: The Anne Heche Monologues, a satire of fame, fandom and Fresno. Her two-woman show, Letters Never Sent (created with four-time Emmy winner and Jay Leno Show favorite Liz Feldman) was showcased at the 2005 HBO US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. She has been writing in television for the past seven years, in both cable and network, including on the Emmy-award winning Samantha Who? starring Christina Applegate. Using her loyal Internet fan base, Ribon sponsors book drives for libraries in need. Over the years, pamie.com has sent thousands of books and materials to Oakland and San Diego, sponsored a Tsunami-ravaged village of schoolchildren, and helped restock the shelves of a post-Katrina Harrison County, Mississippi. Ribon’s book drive can now be found at DeweyDonationSystem.org, which has sponsored libraries from the Negril School in Jamaica to the Children’s Institute in Los Angeles.

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Why Girls Are Weird 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 29 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book started out hilarious with the chpater about Barbies. It really caught my attention. And then it got even better. I really felt connected to the characters. I liked the way emails were incorporated into the book. I read it in less than 24 hours!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I stayed up until 2:30 reading Why Girls Are Weird in one sitting, alternately giggling wildly and seething with jealousy at Pamie for putting so many thoughts and funny situations so darn well. She gets it right. The heady addiction of internet romance (which has revived the love letter in modern society). The quarter-life crisis, where you can be bright, funny, well-educated, and talented, from a loving family, surrounded by friends, and have no clue what you want to do with your life. The solitary joy of writing turned into a social activity, as instant gratification from readers pours in over the 'net. So yes, she gets it all right in this fun, sexy, often sad read that never insults the intelligence of her readers. Well done.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Girls are very weird. But this isnt even a manual about how to tell why they are or how to avoid an attack. Girls are just plain weird.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
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sillyramone More than 1 year ago
I started reading Why Girls Are Weird yesterday and I could not go to sleep until I finished the book! It was so addictive, I couldn't put it down and stayed up till 1:30am, enjoying every minute of it. The story is written so well, and the characters and situations are so real and accessible. I found myself truly captivated. I flew through this book so fast! I couldn't wait to find out what would happen next, at the same time not wanting the story to end. Why Girls Are Weird is a modern coming-of-age story of a young woman that is truly hilarious, heartfelt, witty, sexy and intelligent. A must-read for any young woman. This is a quick, light read but the story and characters will stick with you for a long time.
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Peachball More than 1 year ago
This book was hysterical. The voice of the main character was like a friend. I laughed so much and quickly ordered the sequel. I am dying for a new Pamela Ribon book.
SONYAREELUCAS More than 1 year ago
I enjoyed this book very much and how the characters grow. It had me laughing with it's candid humor and crying with the character's losses. It is a quick read because the writing flows well.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
Anna Koval is living a pretty average life. She has good Friends that adore her, an ex-boyfriend that she hasn't stopped trying to figure out, a job in a library that she could do in her sleep. Anna has dreams of acting, her friend Dale loves the stories she used to write before she and Ian broke up. At this point in her life, Anna Koval is bored. In an attempt to be proactive in her life Anna decides to teach herself HTML, a skill she thinks could help her in her career. By starting an online journal she can put HTML to use, Make Dale happy by writing again and perhaps express herself along the way. With that, her alter ego Anna K is born. Anna K is creative and has an opinion about everything. It was really only a small stretch to give Anna K a devoted boyfriend named Ian. It couldn't really matter it wasn't like it was real anyway. Anna is surprised to be inundated with e-mail from fans that read her blog everyday. There is Tess that wants to know everything about her and seems to have a few secrets of her own. LDobler is a male admirer that switches between sounding like the perfect man and a creepy stalker. Fact and fiction entwine until Anna herself has a hard time telling them apart and is forced to decide what it means to live a truly authentic life. Why girls are weird reads like the diary we have all tried to keep at one point, funny, insightful and intelligent. Anna Koval rings true to me in a way most characters don't. She is flawed, thoughtful, loyal, confused and unhappy with her waistline,. Anna will steal your heart on her journey and make you laugh along the way.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Definitely a must-read! This book had me laughing out loud and made me never want to put it down.. or for the book to end. Definitely recommended to everyone. Especially, of course, girls!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This is one of my favorite books, and probably the best one I've read in a long time. I was laughing on Page 1 and stayed up until 5:30am finishing it (not kidding!). This book is *great*!!!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book had me laughing out loud from Page 1. It's not only hilarious but also very heartfelt and extremely easy for anyone to relate to. I would HIGHLY reccommend it.
Guest More than 1 year ago
The novel i'am reading is called 'WHY GIRLS ARE WERID' By Pamela Ribon.I decided to read this novel for a lot of different reasons. One of those reasons is because the cover of this book grab my attention. I wanted to know the story behind the lady with the brown paper bag over her head. Was this a statement she was trying to get across to her readers or was this a cry for help and us the readers figure it out by reading this book.The second reason was something else caught my attention and that was the title. Do people really think girls are werid? What would make someone name a book this?I really like this book because she does something kind of normal and doesn't think shes going to get feed back.But she does and it changes everything. Now it's only one thing to do about it and that is to just go with it and thats what she does. If i had to recommend this book to someone it would be to those readers who dont believe in there self.Or to those readers who sometimes see life a little different then others sometimes. I think they would really enjoy this book like i have because it breaks all the rules when it comes to letting your mind go where ever it wants to go but in the end coming back to earth.Sometimes everyone wants to let lose for a while and get a little crazy. With this book you can do just that.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Made me Laugh out loud,& at some parts cry. Finished this book in 1 day. The writer is very talented, i hope she continues writing more books!
Guest More than 1 year ago
Most people would be like 'you're not old enough to read this book', but forget them! i am so glad that i bought this book, it was the best book that i have ever read. everything is very understandable and you won't go 5 seconds withour laughing. i definitly recommend this book to everyone that wants to laugh at some of the things that we will do for love.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I expected a funny book. This book is hilarious! But I didn't expect it touch me in a way that made me cry. Anna K can be naive at times but her humor and heart won me over. I'm looking forward to reading more of Pamela Ribon's work. Read this one. You'll like it!
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book kept me laughing the whole way through. But its not just comedy, its got a compelling story behind it that takes you through the life of 'Anna K' and the writer behind her. Bottom line: If you're looking for a good, funny, touching book to read - this is for you.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I usually read Murder Mystery. I just picked this book up one day because I liked the title. This book was hilarious! I read it in one day and passed it on to my best friend. She loved it too and now her boyfriend is reading it. I can't wait to read it again... if I can ever get it back! I would totally recommend you read it.
Guest More than 1 year ago
this book was so awesomly funny, i love anna k's posted things, this is one of the funniest books i've ever read. its so true adn i can relate.
Guest More than 1 year ago
When I began reading this book, I loved it! It was so funny and entertaining, that I could not put it down. I thought for sure that it would become one of my favorites. I was wrong. The last few 80 pages, or so, I hated it. It did not seem like it was part of the same story that I had previously been reading. Ribon is such a talented writer, and I hope she writes again...but I hope she has better endings.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Pamela Ribon's first novel is one of the funniest books to come out this year. It also has one of the most frustrating endings. Ribon is clearly a talented writer, but unfortunately, she shies away from the difficult introspection that might have lifted this book beyond the chick lit genre. Instead, she wrote a funny book in which a twenty-something woman has the big epiphany that all of her problems are really the fault of her father and ex-boyfriend. Even Bridget Jones wasn't that dense.