Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman [NOOK Book]

Overview

A hilarious collection of stories from the life of the New York Times bestselling author of Look Again


At last, together in one collection, are Lisa Scottoline’s wildly popular Philadelphia Inquirer columns. In her column, Lisa lets her hair down, roots and all, to show the humorous side of life from a woman’s perspective. The Sunday column debuted in 2007 and on the day it started, Lisa wrote, “I write novels, so I usually have 100,000 words to tell a story. In a column ...

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Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman

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Overview

A hilarious collection of stories from the life of the New York Times bestselling author of Look Again


At last, together in one collection, are Lisa Scottoline’s wildly popular Philadelphia Inquirer columns. In her column, Lisa lets her hair down, roots and all, to show the humorous side of life from a woman’s perspective. The Sunday column debuted in 2007 and on the day it started, Lisa wrote, “I write novels, so I usually have 100,000 words to tell a story. In a column there’s only 700 words. I can barely say hello in 700 words. I’m Italian.” The column gained momentum and popularity. Word of mouth spread, and readers demanded a collection. Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog is that collection. Seventy vignettes. Vintage Scottoline.
In this collection, you’ll laugh about:
• Being caught braless in the emergency room
• Betty and Veronica’s Life Lessons for Girls
• A man’s most important body part
• Interrupting as an art form
• A religion men and women can worship
• Real estate ads as porn
• Spanx are public enemy number one
• And so much more about life, love, family, pets, and the pursuit of jeans that actually fit!


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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Brief, punchy slices of daily life originally published in her Philadelphia Inquirer column allow novelist Scottoline (Everywhere That Mary Went) to dish on men, mothers, panty lines and, especially, dogs. Somewhere in her mid-50s, twice divorced (from men she calls Thing One and Thing Two) and living happily in the burbs with her recent college-graduate daughter and a passel of pets, Scottoline maintains a frothy repartee with the reader as she discusses ways she would redecorate the White House (“Cupholders for all!”), relies on her built-in Guilt-O-Meter to get dreaded tasks done (a broken garbage disposal rates only a 1, while accumulating late fees at the library rates a 7) and contemplates, while making a will, who will get her cellulite. For some quick gags, Scottoline brings in various family members: mother Mary, a whippersnapper at 4'11” who lives in South Beach with her gay son, Scottoline's brother Frank, and possesses a coveted back-scratcher; and her Harvard-educated daughter, Francesca. Plunging into home improvement frenzy, constructing a chicken coop, figuring out mystifying insurance policies and how not to die at the gym are some of the conundrums this ordinary woman faces with verve and wicked humor, especially how her beloved dogs have contentedly replaced the romance in her life. (Dec.)
Kirkus Reviews
Can a suspense novelist begin a double life as a weekly humor columnist? Just ask Scottoline (Look Again, 2009, etc.), who collects some 70 "Chick Wit" columns she wrote for the Philadelphia Inquirer. Such a venture is not a huge stretch for a writer whose novels of legal suspense have always depended as much on witty dialogue as on mysterious plots. Scottoline's choice of topics is impressively broad: movie-theater candy, expensive bras, Valentine's Day, the upside of interrupting ("I would never be so rude as to not interrupt a friend. How else would she know I was listening?"), the sensual joys of hot flashes and the dream of getting tattooed. As both her choice of topics and her title make clear, men like Thing One and Thing Two, her ex-husbands, form no part of the target audience of this "mix tape for moms and girls." Scottoline's tics-her promises to get "back to the point," her wild exaggerations, her sententious kickers-will prevent all but her most ardent fans from trying to read this compilation at a single sitting. Her habit of referring to her nearest and dearest by epithets ("Mother Mary," "Daughter Francesca," "best friend Franca") inhibits the growth of intimacy. Though she's touchingly matter-of-fact on the death of her beloved dog, more formal occasions for serious wisdom like a graduation speech or a reflection on mortality take her out past her depth. When she sticks to homely observations on Starbucks, cougars, or real-estate ads, however, she's shrewd, tart, sensitive and hard to resist. Proof that a successful genre novelist can also succeed in an apparently remote field. First printing of 100,000
From the Publisher

“Scottoline savors every last bit of her life, and so will you.”—People magazine

“Plunging into home improvement frenzy, constructing a chicken coop, figuring out mystifying insurance policies and how not to die at the gym are some of the conundrums this ordinary woman faces with verve and wicked humor, especially how her beloved dogs have contentedly replaced the romance in her life.”—Publishers Weekly

“Scottoline takes the fodder of everyday life and offers witty reflections from a female perspective.”—Booklist

“…shrewd, tart, sensitive and hard to resist.”—Kirkus Reviews

“She has compiled about 70 of the funniest, smartest and most poignant dispatches into one deliciously exuberant collection. What really makes this collection so addictive is Scottoline's way of capturing everyday moments, dissecting them and coming up with unexpected and slightly off-kilter observations about life."—Book Page

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781429968706
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 11/24/2009
  • Sold by: Macmillan
  • Format: eBook
  • Edition description: First Edition
  • Edition number: 1
  • Pages: 304
  • Sales rank: 54,850
  • File size: 524 KB

Meet the Author

Lisa Scottoline


Lisa Scottoline is the New York Times bestselling author of novels including Look Again, Lady Killer, Think Twice, Save Me and Everywhere That Mary Went. She also writes a weekly column, “Chick Wit,” with her daughter Francesca Serritella, for The Philadelphia Inquirer. The columns have been collected in My Nest Isn’t Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space. She has won an Edgar® Award and Cosmopolitan magazine’s “Fun Fearless Fiction” Award, and she is the president of Mystery Writers of America. She teaches a course on justice and fiction at the University of Pennsylvania Law School, her alma mater. She lives in the Philadelphia area.

Biography

Most authors admit that they need to work in silence in order to get into the creative process. For them, writing is serious work that requires the utmost peace and concentration. Of course, most authors are not writing the kind of whiz-bang, sharp, wild, and witty works that Lisa Scottoline is producing. Scottoline's unusual working methods and desire for all things pop culture have helped her to create some of the most unapologetically entertaining and compulsively page-turning novels in contemporary popular fiction.

Scottoline's initial impetus to become a novelist was not quite as joyful as her novels might suggest. She had recently given up her position as a litigator at a Philadelphia law firm to raise her newborn daughter at the same time as she was breaking up with her husband. While the birth of her daughter was an undoubtedly happy moment for Scottoline, she was also thrust into relative isolation in the wake of her separation and the end of her job. To keep herself busy (when not tending to her daughter, that is), she decided to write a novel, the provocative story of an ambitious young lawyer whose hectic life becomes even more manic when she learns she is being stalked. Three years after beginning the novel, Scottoline sold Everywhere That Mary Went to HarperCollins a mere week after taking a part-time job as a clerk for an appellate judge—her first job since beginning the book. While her transition from lawyer to novelist may seem abrupt to some, Scottoline asserts that it was law school that gave her the necessary tools to spin a compelling yarn. In a 2005 interview with Barnes & Noble.com, Scottoline asserted that the job of a lawyer is surprisingly similar to that of a good writer: "Take the facts that matter, throw out the ones that don't, order them in such a way in which a point of view is created so that by the time someone is finished listening to your argument or reading your book they see things completely in that point of view."

Scottoline's sure-handed way with an intriguing narrative has led to a string of bestselling thrillers and a popular series revolving around the women of Rosato & Associates, an all-female law firm in Philadelphia—the author's own beloved hometown. Jam-packed with humor, mystery, eroticism, and smarts, her novels are published worldwide and have been translated into twenty-five different languages.

Good To Know

Lisa Scottoline is definitely no TV snob. She feels no shame when revealing her love of everything from Court TV to Oprah to The Apprentice to I Love Lucy.

One of the reasons that Scottoline is such a fabulous writer may have something to do with having a particularly fabulous teacher. While studying English at the University of Pennsylvania she was instructed by National Book Award Winner Philip Roth.

Don't try this at home! Scottoline completed her first novel, Everywhere That Mary Went, while she and her newborn daughter lived solely on $35,000 worth of credit from five Visa cards, which she'd completely maxed out by the time she completed the book three years later.

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    1. Hometown:
      Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
    1. Date of Birth:
      July 1, 1955
    2. Place of Birth:
      Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
    1. Education:
      B.A., University of Pennsylvania, 1976; J.D., University of Pennsylvania Law School, 1981
    2. Website:

Read an Excerpt



WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG (Chapter 1)

Of Dogs and Men

I'm old enough to remember Ozzie and Harriet, which means that my idea of the nuclear family was born in the 1950s and never quite grew up. By that I mean, a family has a Mommy, a Daddy, and two kids. And a dog.

Run, Spot, run!

We all know that the nuclear family has changed, but what's interesting to me is that nobody has just one dog anymore.

I'm not sure when it started, but all of the people who used to have a family dog now have family dogs. I myself have a full herd--three golden retrievers and one Pembroke Welsh corgi, who rules us all. Multiple dogs used to be thought of as crazy. Fifteen years ago, when I used to walk two dogs in the city, people asked me if both dogs were mine. Now I walk four and nobody raises an eyebrow.

This is true on TV as well. More and more, we see two dogs chowing down in Iams commercials, side-by-side. The Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, spends many of his episodes trying to get all of us crazies with multiple dogs to live happily together.

So when exactly did people start acquiring multiple dogs?

And why?

Before you answer, consider another phenomenon, which I'm sense is related. What caused the nuclear family to blow up was that people started getting divorced like crazy. All of a sudden, the divorces began to pile up. I don't mean across-the-country, I mean in one person. People I met had acquired second and third divorces almost as easily as they had acquired second and third dogs. At some point, the third divorce became the new second divorce. No one even bothered to count their first divorce. People didn't tell their third set of kids about it. It happened so long ago, you could easily forget.

Nowadays, even normal people are on their second divorce. People like me, for example. I have two ex-husbands, Thing One and Thing Two. To be honest, I used to be embarrassed about being divorced twice. When people asked me if I was married, I would simply answer, "No, I'm divorced." Okay, technically it was the truth, but lawyers would call it a material omission. Sooner or later, my pathetic personal history would spill out, and I'd be busted.

But recently, I was speaking at a library in California, and I met a lot of very nice women my age. And when I mumbled something about being divorced twice, one of them said, "Don't worry about it, honey, I'm divorced four times." And somebody else chirped up, "I'm on my third." And another chimed in, "I'm on my fifth!"

Boy, did that make me feel great! Er, I mean, it made me feel terribly concerned for the future of our nation and the American family.

And the funny thing is, many of these women had multiple dogs. Everyone I spoke with who had more than one dog also had more than one divorce. Some women had more divorces than dogs, others had more dogs than divorces. It makes you wonder which came first--the dog or the divorce?

Is the new dog acquired as a result of the new divorce? In other words, do we trade our husband in for a dog?

Or does getting yet another Yorkie lead to your fourth divorce?

Are we replacing stable human families with stable dog families?

You may think I'm comparing two unrelated things, but this really isn't so crazy when you consider that many women, myself included, sleep with their dogs on the bed. In fact, in my own case, three of my dogs sleep on what used to be my ex's side of the bed. Plus, dogs do a lot of the things husbands do; snore, toss and turn, and fart. And I think my corgi has restless leg syndrome.

I believe these things are related. From my side of the bed, I'm smelling a connection.

The only thing that's missing is the prenup.

WHY MY THIRD HUSBAND WILL BE A DOG. Copyright 2009 by Lisa Scottoline.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 133 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(68)

4 Star

(36)

3 Star

(12)

2 Star

(10)

1 Star

(7)

Your Rating:

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 133 Customer Reviews
  • Posted November 8, 2011

    I Also Recommend:

    Great

    I enjoyed this novel. Great characters, great plot. can only recommend

    6 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 25, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Hysterical

    I was laughing out loud throughout this book. I love Lisa's down to earth attitude towards the human spirit and experience. Highly recommend to anyone who wants a funny, introspective and enjoyable read.

    6 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted June 27, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    I LOVED IT!!

    GREAT LINES!! This is hilarious!!
    This book is the perfect medicine to read on a dreary day or when you are a bit down on life or a relationship. A terrific pick-me-up! Scottoline writes about her close relationships with her mother and brother, her daughter, her ex-husbands, her dogs, and just about everyone she knows!! She writes of funny emergency room trips, empty nest syndrome, her daughter's graduation, her move to New York, quotes directly from her daughter, special mother/daughter love, hot flashes. It is such a fun read! It's loaded with funny quotes from her mother that we all can relate to, life lessons and pearls of wisdom you learn having lived so long. What a wonderful time I had reading and laughing! I loved it!

    4 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 11, 2010

    This book is NOT a dog!

    As a longtime fan of Lisa Scottoline's legal thrillers, I was attracted to this book because I thought it would be articulate & clever & give me insight into this talented writer's personality. I did NOT expect it to give me multiple laugh-out-louds on every page!
    By the time I had finished the first essay, I had concluded that Christmas shopping for all my women friends had just become very easy. By essay number two I realized I had to share the title with Cindy, Diane, Sharon, Norma, my lunch group, and all my other women friends who were not on the Christmas list. I'll send them a link; they can buy their own book!
    Heck, by essay number 3, I decided to treat my husband to a readaloud session of Lisa's trip to the emergency room without a bra. It isn't fair not to the share the fun with the men we love!
    Why are these so good? These are essays about a WOMAN, which the author emphasizes, but they succeed so well because they are at bottom about a HUMAN. The feelings and experiences that Scottoline describes are universal, and I believe they will resonate with people of any age, gender, sexual preference, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status.
    Everybody needs a laugh. Everybody needs a sense of our common humanity. This book delivers both.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 27, 2010

    Funny, inspiring and heartfelt

    This book is Lisa! It is her true personality which is giving and sincere. She shares her life with her readers. You meet her daughter, Francesca and her mom, Mother Mary. The three generations of women interact wonderfully and we get to go along for the ride. This book is full of laughs and full of inspiration. There are stories about her dogs, pony, and of course, the chickens! If you want a book to lift your spirits, this is the one for you. Enjoy!

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 17, 2010

    Laugh Out Loud Book

    Lisa Scattoline is hilarious, and definitely hits many of the same frustrations, situations, successes, and more of being a single mother, ex wife (two times over), daughter of a sometimes difficult mother, home owner, pet lover, fashion reporter, and more!
    This book made me laugh with each new chapter! Easy and enjoyable reading, I laughed and laughed from the cover to end end of the book. Lisa's observations and recording of her life experiences are so genuine and hilarious that I felt like we could be best friends after I finished the book! I hope to give it to many of my friends for them to enjoy, too!!!

    I am smiling as I write this remembering many of her terrific chapters. And by the way, Lisa, I am wearing my "boyfriend" jeans which also fit me the best!!!!!!!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    Jsut great fun!

    I have always been a fan of Lisa Scottoline's writing. I have read a few of her columns and this book is a complilation of those columns, I believe. The chapters are short and very funny. There are some touching chapters but for the most part you will laugh all the way through this book. It is real life with a Scottoline spin. I received it as a gift and gave another as a gift. Mine is making the rounds through my office - I hope to get it back sometime!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    Hilarious!

    I have never laughed out loud so much with a book. This is any easy read that will keep your spirits high. I shared many of the stories with friends and family because they were too funny to keep to myself. I love how she turns her life turmoils into humor!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 6, 2010

    Funny and uplifting

    This book made me laugh and get a tear in my eye too. if you need to be entertained this is the book for you. A book of short stories about real life with humor mixed in. I really enjoyed it.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 25, 2010

    Scottoline's collection of columns is funny and thought-provoking

    Lisa Scottoline, better known for her legal thrillers about a female law firm in Philadelphia, PA has collected the best of her Philadelphia Inquirer (newspaper) columns into a book entitled Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog.
    For those of us who are dog owners and lovers, the title provides a clue to the content (short, funny, and full of dogs). In short 3 page chapters, she runs the gamut of discussion from Thing One and Thing Two (ex-husbands), to Mother Mary (her mother), her daughter Francesca (who wrote several of the chapter/columns), and her numerous (4) dogs, cats (2) and chickens. She can be hysterically funny (the disaster of no bra-wearing), thought provoking (daughter's college graduation or her concern for mother, who lives in Florida), and touching (when she discusses the death of her beloved Golden, Lucy).
    The reader doesn't have to live in Philadelphia to appreciate this funny, funny book as she alludes to her suburban home, but she never really talks about Philadelphia. The book is easy to put down and pick up as there's no real time line (though it's obvious this runs through a year)or plot.
    Recommended to anyone who remembers the funny and outrageous Erma Bombeck. Scottoline may be my generation's Erma. By the way, I've heard Lisa Scottoline speak and she's as funny in the book as she is in person!

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 16, 2010

    Loved this book!

    Lisa Scottoline's newest effort is another great, but very different addition to her previous hits as she departs from her usual fiction style and brings us many slices of real life. The book is a compilation of her Sunday Philadelphia Inquirer columns where she shares her deepest and darkest secrets about all kinds of topics, most of which are laugh out loud funny. We get the skinny on her aversion to Spanx, being caught braless in the ER, dealing with home repair ordeals, and handling the trials and tribulations of a single working woman in the today's world. What also makes this book such a great read is that we see into the real lives of "Mother Mary," (a recurring character in her books who happens to be her actual Mom) and Francesca, her beautiful daughter who also has a bright future in the writing business. Her adventures are comical, insightful and delightful for anyone who has felt the same hits and misses in life. Add this to your "have to read" list now!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    Love it. Laugh out loud.

    By reading Lisa's book, she has inspired me along with Stephen King to try writing. The easy of her writing is amazing.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    Fantastic!

    I really enjoyed this! It is not just about exhusbands but about life. I left this book feeling good, happy and laughing!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 1, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Funny, Hilarious and Great!!!

    This book was hilarious. I could identify with the Author and even when I couldn't I found this book entertaining and fun. I couldn't put this book down! I recommend it for a light hearted read, that will make you smile.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 30, 2010

    Loved It!

    I loved this book from the minute I picked it up. A very fast read that had me LOL! Feel like I know the author very well now and she would be a fun friend to have!Have reccomended the book to all my friends who are all currently enjoying it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 16, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Cute, Light read

    Cute compilation of her Chick Wit stories.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 3, 2010

    Every woman can enjoy

    I laughed and cried through Lisa's short stories - an enjoyable read that any woman who has a mother, is a mother, or has supported herself can relate to.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 3, 2010

    fabulously funny

    I have been reading Lisa Scottoline's books for years and have loved them...this, however, is not typical...and I love it even more.....she is insghtful, honest and hilarious...bring on more!!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 19, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    What a wild and crazy book. I identified with quite a few of her

    What a wild and crazy book. I identified with quite a few of her vignettes. I wish I could have read the book 20 years before she wrote it. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache.  I do not have her lifestyle, but I have had quite a few coincidences. It is always good to laugh in the face of frustration.  She is a top notch writer and this book should be on every lady’s bookshelf. I admire her intelligence in handling life so well. 89

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  • Posted November 10, 2012

    Great Read

    Great Read

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 133 Customer Reviews

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