Winning with People: Discover the People Principles That Work for You Every Time

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WINNING WITH PEOPLE

Nelson Business

Chapter One

The most useful person in the world today is the man or woman who knows how to get along with other people. Human relations is the most important science in living. —Stanley C. Allyn

I spent the first twenty-six years of my career as a pastor. I know of no other profession as demanding or intense when it comes to working with people. Individuals in ministry are called upon to lead, teach, coach, counsel, and comfort people at every age and stage of life, from the cradle to the grave. We're with them during many of the most joyful moments of their lives, such as the day they marry or christen a baby. And we're called upon during their darkest hours, such as when they try to save a marriage from a painful divorce, experience a child's tragic death, or look for answers as they face their own imminent deaths.

Over the years, I learned quickly to recognize people who were struggling relationally. They came in all ages, shapes, and sizes. Sometimes when I was counseling an unmarried person who just couldn't seem to get a relationship to work, he would lament about being alone and how much he wanted to get married. The sad thing was that instead of focusing on getting married, some people should be working on their emotional readiness—the basic ability to build a healthy relationship.

Let's face it. Not everyone has the skills to initiate, build, and sustain good, healthy relationships. Many people grow up in dysfunctional households and never have positive relationships modeled for them. Some people are so focused on themselves and their needs that others might as well not even exist. Still others have been hurt so badly in the past that they see the whole world through the filter of their pain. And because of huge relational blind spots, they don't know themselves or how to relate to people in a healthy way.

It takes relationally healthy people to build great relationships. It all starts there. I believe there are fundamental building blocks that make people ready for relationships. They answer the readiness question. The essential components are contained in the following five People Principles:

The Lens Principle: Who we are determines how we see others.

The Mirror Principle: The first person we must examine is ourselves.

The Pain Principle: Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them.

The Hammer Principle: Never use a hammer to swat a fly off someone's head.

The Elevator Principle: We can lift people up or take people down in our relationships.

Anyone missing any of these essential components will not be prepared for relationships. And as a result, he will have recurring problems working with others.

If you or someone you know just can't seem to build the kind of positive relationships that all human beings desire, then the reason may be a readiness issue. By learning these five People Principles, you will prepare yourself for the creation of positive, healthy relationships.

The Lens Principle

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Who We Are Determines How We See Others

I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member. —Groucho Marx

THE QUESTION I MUST ASK MYSELF: WHAT IS MY PERCEPTION OF OTHERS?

Have you ever started in a new job and had someone with experience in the organization tell you to watch out for this person or steer clear of that person? That's happened to me a number of times. When I took my first professional leadership position, my predecessor told me to watch out for two people: Audrey and Claude. "They'll cause you a lot of problems," I was told. So I went into my job expecting trouble from them.

First, I watched Audrey. She was a strong woman—and she had a strong personality. (It takes one to know one!) To my surprise, working with her ended up being a wonderful experience. She was confident and competent, and she got things done. We had a good working relationship, and she became a family friend. And Claude turned out to be an old farmer who loved the church. True, he was the greatest influencer in the organization. (More than thirty-five years later he still is.) But that didn't hurt my feelings. Why should I have expected a man twice my age who had been in that church all his life to follow me just because I had a leadership position and title? I made it my goal to work with Claude, and he and I got along well.

When I accepted a position at my second church, once again my predecessor warned me: "Watch out for Jim. He'll battle you on everything." So the first week I was there, I met with Jim. We had a difficult conversation, but Jim let me know that he loved God, loved the church, and was with me. He ended up being my number one guy during the years I was there. He went to battle all right—as my strongest supporter. I couldn't have asked for a better team member.

After I had accepted the position at my third church, the leader who preceded me offered to sit down with me and give me a heads-up on those who might cause me problems. As had been the case with the predecessors in the previous two positions, his heart was to help me. But I respectfully declined his offer. By then I'd been in leadership long enough to realize that his problem people wouldn't be mine—and vice versa. I would have no connection with some people he relied on, and others who left him cold would probably become key players for me. Why? Because who we are determines how we view others.

You Are Your Lens

A classic example of the impact of perspective occurred to me when I was in college. I was asked to be the best man in the wedding of my friend Ralph Beadle. I stayed with him the night before the ceremony, and early on the morning of his wedding day, Ralph wanted to go squirrel hunting. (I guess there's nothing like shooting small animals to calm a guy's nerves.) Ralph lent me one of his shotguns, and out we went into the woods. We walked around for a while, but I couldn't see any squirrels.

"Where are the squirrels?" I kept asking Ralph as I tramped around, making noise.

After I asked the question a half dozen times, Ralph finally said, "John, you stay on this side of the woods, and I'll go over to the other side."

Ralph hadn't been gone two minutes when I started to hear bam, bam. I still didn't see any squirrels, so I sat down and rested. I started to wish I had brought a book with me. I began to watch the chipmunks frolicking. Meanwhile, every now and then I'd hear gunshots. And I kept wondering, What is he shooting at?

A few minutes later Ralph strolled up. He had bagged his limit, and I had never even seen a squirrel.

"How come all the squirrels were on your side?" I asked.

Ralph just shook his head and laughed.

Who you are determines the way you see everything. You cannot separate your identity from your perspective. All that you are and every experience you've had color how you see things. It is your lens. Here's what I mean:

Who You Are Determines What You See

A Coloradan moved to Texas and built a house with a large picture window from which he could view hundreds of miles of rangeland. When asked how he enjoyed the view, he responded, "The only problem is that there's nothing to see." About the same time, a Texan moved to Colorado and built a house with a large picture window overlooking the Rockies. When asked how he liked it, he said, "The only problem with this place is that you can't see anything because all those mountains are in the way."

The story may be a little exaggerated, but it points out a truth just the same. What people see is influenced by who they are. People in the same room will look at the same things and see everything totally differently. That's always true with my wife, Margaret, and me. We'll be at a party chatting with people, and she'll come up and ask, "What was the guy in the blue sweater talking to you about?" I won't have a clue who she means. Margaret has great style and fashion sense. I don't. When I look at people, I don't see what they're wearing. It's all just clothes to me.

Each of us has his or her own bent, and that colors our view of everything. What is around us doesn't determine what we see. What is within us does.

Who You Are Determines How You See Others

A traveler nearing a great city asked an old man seated by the road, "What are the people like in this city?"

"What were they like where you came from?" the man asked.

"Horrible," the traveler reported. "Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects."

"Ah," said the old man, "you will find them the same in the city ahead."

Scarcely had the first traveler gone on his way when another stopped to inquire about the people in the city before him. Again the old man asked about the people in the place the traveler has just left.

"They were fine people: honest, industrious, and generous to a fault," declared the second traveler. "I was sorry to leave."

The old man responded, "That's exactly how you'll find the people here."

The way people see others is a reflection of themselves.

If I am a trusting person, I will see others as trustworthy.

If I am a critical person, I will see others as critical.

If I am a caring person, I will see others as compassionate.

Your personality comes through when you talk about others and interact with them. Someone who doesn't know you would be able to tell a lot about who you are based on simple observation.

Who You Are Determines How You View Life

Here's an old story I used to tell in conferences. A grandfather was sleeping on the couch one day when his young grandchildren decided to play a trick on him. They went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bit of extra smelly Limburger cheese. They took the cheese and quietly rubbed a little into their grandpa's mustache. Then they hid around the corner to see what would happen.

After a few moments, the old man's nose began to twitch. Then his head started to toss. And finally Grandpa sat bolt upright on the couch with a sour look and said, "Something in here stinks!"

He got up, shuffled into the kitchen, took a deep sniff, and said, "It stinks in here too."

At that point, he decided to go outside to get a breath of fresh air, but when he took a deep breath, there was the foul smell again. "The whole world stinks!" he lamented.

The moral of the story? To a person with Limburger cheese under his nose, everything stinks! The good news for Grandpa is that he can remove the foul stuff from his mustache with soap and water, and things will seem sweet again. But a person who has foul stuff on the inside has a more difficult task. The only way to change how you view life is to change who you are on the inside.

We all have a personal frame of reference that consists of our attitudes, assumptions, and expectations concerning ourselves, other people, and life. These factors determine whether we're optimistic or pessimistic, cheerful or gloomy, trusting or suspicious, friendly or reserved, brave or timid. And they color not only how we see life, but also how we let people treat us. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Or to put it another way, in the words of psychologist and author Phil McGraw, "You teach people how to treat you." What you teach comes from how you see life. And how you see life comes from who you are.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to teach leadership to the NFL's St. Louis Rams. The team invited me to attend one of their games afterward, and I was allowed to sit with the spouses of the coaches and players. I sat next to Kim Matsko, wife of associate head coach/offensive line coach of the St. Louis Rams, John Matsko. As we chatted, I asked her of all the cities where she had lived, what was her favorite? (She had lived in many states: Ohio, North Carolina, Arizona, California, New York, and Missouri.) Her response: "Where I am living right now."

"Oh, so you like St. Louis the best?" I said.

"No, I didn't say that. I like the place I'm currently living best," she answered. "It's a choice." What a great attitude! If you can maintain a perspective like that, you will always view life in a positive light.

Who You Are Determines What You Do

In Animals, Inc., Kenneth A. Tucker and Vandana Allman of the Gallup organization tell a story of barnyard characters that's meant to point out how companies mismanage their people. Believing that anyone can be trained to do anything, those in charge of the farm ask the workhorse to operate the computer. A shy sheep is encouraged to make sales calls. And here's my favorite: the scarecrow is sent into the henhouse to lay eggs. He works at it all day. Physically, he exhibits perfect form. With hens all around cranking out eggs, he tries and tries. But by the end of the day, exhausted, he has failed to produce a single egg.

You may be thinking, Of course, he doesn't produce an egg. It's pretty obvious that hens lay eggs, horses pull plows, and sheep produce wool. It's easy to see that natural ability affects what we do. But our thinking and our attitudes are as much parts of us as our talents and abilities. They also determine what we do. We cannot separate them, and if we expect results different from our makeup, we're in for disappointment.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from WINNING WITH PEOPLE by JOHN C. MAXWELL Copyright © 2004 by John C. Maxwell. Excerpted by permission of Nelson Business. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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