Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a

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by Stan Tatkin
     
 

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"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to

Overview

"What the heck is my partner thinking?" is a common refrain in romantic relationships, and with good reason. Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts.

Wired for Love is a complete insider’s guide to understanding your partner’s brain and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Synthesizing research findings on how and why love lasts drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this book presents ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.

Strengthen your relationship by:

• Creating and maintaining a safe “couple bubble”
• Using morning and evening rituals to stay connected
• Learning to fight so that nobody loses
• Becoming the expert on what makes your partner feel loved

By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure. The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages readers to move past a "warring brain" mentality and toward a more cooperative "loving brain" understanding of the relationship. This book is essential reading for couples and others interested in understanding the complex dynamics at work behind love and trust in intimate relationships.

While there’s no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you can discover how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences to create a lasting intimate connection.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781608826407
Publisher:
New Harbinger Publications
Publication date:
01/02/2012
Sold by:
Barnes & Noble
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
200
Sales rank:
86,799
File size:
1 MB

Meet the Author

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couple therapy. He teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills and lives with his wife and daughter in Calabasas, CA.

Foreword writer Harville Hendrix, PhD, is a clinical pastoral counselor, cocreator of imago relationship therapy, and author of Getting the Love You Want.


Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is the author of Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He has a clinical practice in Southern California, teaches at Kaiser Permanente, and is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Tatkin developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®) and together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, founded the PACT Institute.
Harville Hendrix, PhD, is co-creator of Imago relationship therapy, and is known internationally for his work with couples. Hendrix is also the author of the New York Times bestsellers Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find.

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Wired for Love 4.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 9 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Stan Tatkin masterfully translates the complex theories of the neuroscience and attachment into an interesting and easy to follow book on relationships for couples. His case examples of couples in trouble highlight ordinary situations so readers feel they can relate. The couple bubble, primitives and ambassadors, waves and islands, it's a book worth reading twice and sharing with your friends, I did.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
In preparing for a trip across country, we look at maps and bring along a GPS to help chart our route. While navigating the windy roads and sometimes hairpin curves of relationship, we need to develop better navigational skills. Wired For Love by Stan Tatkin is our own relational GPS that guides us efficiently, intelligently and sometimes humorously through potential traffic jams and car crashes. Understanding a clearer "map" of relationship helps us identify our own and our partner's attachment style and needs so we can spend more time enjoying the scenic route as we celebrate our "coupledom." Sara Swift M.A.
DixieCM More than 1 year ago
The couples we counsel report that Wired for Love is engaging and right on target. They find the book helpful in recognizing their individual attachment styles and the patterns that keep them stuck, as well as providing creative, practical ways to handle their differences. "I bought copies for six of my friends," one woman told us. "I love that couple bubble," a man said. "It's the way a marriage should be." As a married couple working with couples, we agree. Wired for Love offers invaluable information and insight into what makes marriages tick and what makes them thrive. It is an excellent resource for couples who value their relationship. Carol and Ed Morrison, Bellevue, WA
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I absolutely love this book and have it as recommended reading for all my students, clients, colleagues, friends and interesting strangers! In other words, everyone interested in the pleasure of an authentic committed relationship will benefit immensely from reading this book! Stan shares brilliantly from his ray of genius about helping people strengthen their relationship bond, how to create and maintain a special "couple bubble", enjoy deep connection, humor, love safety and play! My recommendation , READ it! Warmly, Diane Diane Poole Heller, PhD
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love and connection is essential to our health and wellbeing throughout our life. Couples, despite their best intention, often fail to preserve the bonds of support, safety and connectedness that we all desire and need to survive and thrive in a difficult world. In this book Stan Tatkin offers individuals and couples a lens through which to view relationships that is very much needed in lay and professional circles. Often well meaning self help books, counselors, healing professionals and friends encourage strategies that inadvertently widen the divide between couples. In our Western society we are prided on independence and separateness. Needing others is often seen as weakness or codependence. . . even though current neuroscientific understandings and brain research is proving otherwise. In simple and easy to understand language Stan brings relevant neuroscientific discoveries to the kitchen table. For couples struggling to preserve the bonds of intimacy, connection and support this understanding alleviates much misunderstanding and personal suffering. Understanding how our early subconscious imprinting of relationships are formed provides a lens with which to view relational difficulties non pathologically. It is a hopeful book which bypasses the narrative story which often binds couples in a never ending cycle of conflict, misunderstanding and hurt. Making relationships succeed requires work and Stan challenges us to take responsibility for understanding ourselves and our partners nervous system and move beyond the limited concepts of codependency that often divide us from the very connections and bonds we need and desire! Highly recommended for every individual, couple and healing professional! Thank you Stan! Brian J. Whelan, LCSW, CST, SEP
Andrew_Franklin More than 1 year ago
How I wish I had a resource like this years ago when I was struggling with my marriage. I've read a number of relationship tune-up books throughout the years, and each has helped somewhat so it was very encouraging to see those same familiar authors (Hendrix, Gottman, Perel, etc.) offering praise for Dr. Tatkins work at the get go. And the fact that he's put so much good information into a book that is less than 200 pages is a testament to his organized approach, which was friendly, playful, and effective. The explanations and exercises in the book proved to me for the first time that it's not just about doing positive things for your partner, and "thinking" about the relationship, but rather there are automatic responses that mess with a relationship no matter how much "thinking" we do. What a relief to discover that problems can come from our biological wiring as well as our relationship history, and they can be easily managed once you know what to look for! While it was a relief to learn how these neurological autopilots can be tamed, it makes me sad to realize I mostly didn't know the defensive things my brain was doing in an effort to feel safe, which now seems tragic. Like I said, I wish I had this book sooner. By distilling a great deal of research into understandable language, Dr. Tatkin has laid out a path to intimacy that I'd not seen before, and now, makes so much sense. I dare say he has improved my concept of what being in love should look and feel like, and frankly, it feels MUCH better than I ever could have imagined. No matter how good you think your relationship is, get this book!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I have read this book and have recommended it many of my couples. Dr.Stan makes it easy to understand what happens in our brains when we are faced with something that we perceive as a threat. How our automatic reflexive actions make it more unsafe for the relationship. He gives great advice on how to turn a relationship around to become safe, secure. His language of "the couple bubble" really helps to put it in the right perspective.