- Shopping Bag ( 0 items )
You'll not find any of those "There was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi" jokes in this section—there are just too many of them; golf gags have been limited to two.
The clergy has always and will always be a target for good-natured ribbing. Their fabled foibles, like sleep-producing preaching and only Sunday work will always be good-natured jabs for the pew-sitters to level. It's all good fun. Pass on some of these golden oldies to your spiritual leader. Laugh together and strike a bargain, though, that you never become a sermon illustration.
Anyway, as Mark Twain's non sequitur goes, "Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
A Penny Saved ...
Hoping to help his church save money, Pastor Jones decided to paint the church exterior himself, but all he had on hand was one bucket of paint. So he collected a bunch of empty buckets and some water, which he used to thin the paint enough to cover the building. Then he spent the whole day painting.
That night it rained and washed off all the paint. The pastor was so discouraged and asked God, "Why ... why Lord, did you let it rain and wash away all my hard work?" To which God replied, "Repaint and thin no more!"
And Nothing but the Truth
Friend: Say, Pastor, how is it that you're so thin and gaunt while your horse is so fat and sleek?
Pastor: Because I feed the horse and the congregation feeds me.
A Golf Joke
Pastor Teefer found himself wondering whether there were any golf courses in heaven. He even began to ask the question in his prayers. One day, in answer to his prayers, he received a direct answer from on high.
"Yes," said the heavenly messenger, "there are many excellent golf courses in heaven. The greens are always in first-class condition, the weather is always perfect, and you always play with the nicest people."
"Oh, thank you," responded Preacher Teefer. "That really is marvelous news."
"Yes, isn't it?" replied the messenger. "And we've got you down for a foursome next Saturday."
A clergyman took a well-earned holiday and decided to go to one of those large golf resorts where Arnold Palmer often played.
As the minister approached the most difficult hole on the course, the caddie said, "When Arnold Palmer plays this hole, he uses a three-iron and says a prayer."
"I'll certainly give it a try," the preacher remarked. But when the ball landed in the water, he said, "I guess the Lord didn't hear me."
"He probably heard you," the caddie said, "but when Arnold Palmer says his prayers, he keeps his head down."
A very upset minister walked into the fish market. "I want you to throw me four big fish," he said to the clerk. "Just toss 'em to me."
"But why toss them to you?" the fishmonger asked. "Can't I just wrap them and give them to you like everyone else?"
"No, sir!" yelled the preacher. "Do just as I say. So if anyone asks me if I caught any fish today, I can truthfully say, 'Sure did. Caught four big ones!'"
Prayer for Safety
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read, "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to note the punctuation, the cleric startled his audience by announcing, "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Board Chair: Pastor, why did you fire your secretary?
Pastor: She couldn't spell. She kept asking me how to spell about every other word while she took dictation.
Board Chair: I suppose you couldn't stand the interruptions.
Pastor: No, it wasn't that. I just didn't have time to look up all those words.
Pastor: I need a secretary who can spell. Can you spell Mississippi?
Hopeful Secretary: The river or the state?
Mower and Mower
Pastor Sampson was making visitation rounds on his trusty bicycle, when he turned a corner and came upon a young boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for it?" Sampson asked.
"I just need enough money to buy a bicycle," the boy explained. After a moment of thought, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no reaction from the machine. The preacher called the boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "My dad says you have to cuss at it to get it started."
Pastor Sampson replied, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. I have been saved for so long I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy look at him with a sparkle in his eye, "Just keep pulling on that cord, and it'll come back to you."
New Pastor Warranty
It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect—he is not psychic. Because of this, you must observe certain procedures to ensure optimum performance.
It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.
If someone you know is in need of prayer, the pastor must be told, or he won't know.
If you are in need of a pastoral visit, you will get best results if you ask him.
We regret any inconvenience this may cause.
A mother called her son on Sunday morning to make sure he got out of bed and was ready for church.
"I'm not going," he replied.
"Yes, you are going, so get out of that bed!" his mother demanded.
"Give me one good reason why I should go," said her son.
"I'll give you three good reasons. One, I'm your mother, and I say you're going. Two, you're forty years old, so you're old enough to know better. And three, you're the pastor, so you need to be there."
Decaf or Regular?
Every Sunday morning at the same point in the service, Pastor Fred left the platform for a brief time to talk to the kids in children's church. One new member didn't understand what was going on, so following the service he observed, "Preacher, you are the first pastor I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."
The postman had just delivered Reverend Smith's mail. As the cleric opened envelopes and pulled out letters, he was surprised to unfold a sheet of paper that bore just one word, "Fool." The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name, but forgot to write a letter."
Good news! After hundreds of years of ministers, a model pastor has been found—one who will please every church member.
He is twenty-six years old and has been preaching for thirty years. He is tall, short, thin, heavyset, handsome, and has one brown eye and one blue eye. His hair is parted in the middle (blonde), left side (dark and straight), and on the right side (brown and wavy).
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with older folks. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes fifteen calls a day on church members, spends all his time evangelizing the lost, and never leaves his office.
A Grave Error
A minister on vacation was reading his hometown newspaper. He was stunned to come across his own obituary. Shocked, and not a little upset, he immediately telephoned the editor.
"I'm calling you long distance about the report of my death in your paper yesterday," he explained with great indignation.
"Yes, sir," came the calm reply. "And from where are you calling?"
The preacher was visiting a man in prison. "When you were tempted," asked the minister, "why didn't you say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan!'?"
"I did," replied the prisoner, "but Satan said, 'It doesn't matter who leads, since we're both going the same direction.'"
When a traffic cop pulled over Pastor Johnson for speeding, the minister reminded the officer, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy." The cop handed the minister the ticket and quoted, "Go thou and sin no more."
Reverend Nick: I worry so much, I can't sleep at night and have terrible nightmares.
Reverend Rick: That's nothing. I'm sleeping like a baby. I wake up every three hours and cry.
Delivering a building fund-raising banquet speech on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes that he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to tell the jokes over again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might submit to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with these words: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed."
Truth Or Care
One Sunday morning Pastor Bob advised his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. In preparation for my message. I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday the reverend asked for a show of hands from those who had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. Pastor Bob smiled and announced, "Well, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted to establish a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going well, but in an instant he undid all the good he'd done: He asked if Father Paddy's father had been a priest, too.
The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a revival meeting. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the church this evening, you can hear me give directions on how to get to heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy replied. "You don't even know how to get to the post office."
The minister of Grace Church phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," he said, "for the error you made when you printed my sermon title on the church page. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in a Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican.' I had the largest crowd of the year."
You're a Preacher If ...
The most popular feature in a recent denominational clergy magazine is titled "You Might Be a Preacher If ..." Here are a few unsolicited examples of ways readers completed that sentence:
"You've been told to get a real job."
"You've been tempted to name your fishing boat 'Visitation.'"
"You couldn't sell used cars."
"You never said, 'I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!'"
"You win a door prize at the church banquet, and people say it was rigged."
"Your belly is ever referred to as 'the chicken coop.'"
"Your kids nickname you 'Our father who art at a meeting.'"
Same for Missionaries and Their Kids
"You don't think two hours is a long sermon."
"You refer to gravel roads as highways."
"Fitting fifteen or more people into a car seems normal."
"You realize that furlough is not a vacation."
"You do your devotions in another language."
"You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel."
"You can cut grass with a machete but can't start a lawnmower."
"You watch nature documentaries and think how good that animal would taste if it were fried."
"You can't answer the question, 'Where are you from?'"
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Did you hear the one about the ministers who formed a bowling team? Called themselves the Holy Rollers.
When the new First Church pastor came to town, one of his first official activities was to visit his parishioners. All went well until he knocked on the Jones's door. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door.
Finally he took out his card and wrote on the back, "Revelation 3:20, 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him,'" and stuck it in the door.
On Sunday his card found its way into the offering plate. Below his message was the notation, "Genesis 3:10, 'And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.'"
At the Cemetery
A newly appointed young minister was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service in a small country cemetery. Because the deceased had no friends or family left, there was to be no funeral, just the committal.
The pastor started to the cemetery early enough, but he soon lost his way, causing him to arrive thirty minutes late. There was no hearse or funeral director in sight, just the workmen, who were sitting under a tree eating lunch. Moving to the newly dug grave, the minister opened his prayer book and read the service over the vault lid that was in place.
When returning to his car, the preacher overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."
Said the revival preacher to the stately old Presbyterian cleric: "After all, we are both doing the Lord's work—you in your way, and I in His."
The reverend got up and strode to his pulpit with a patch on his chin: "I'm sorry about the bandage, but I cut my chin shaving thinking about my sermon." A voice from the congregation called out, "Next time, why not think about your chin and cut the sermon?"
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the minister and one farmer arrived at the village church. The minister observed, "Well, I don't guess we'll have a service today." To which the farmer replied, "If only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
Remember This One?
The new preacher at Dry Gulch Community Church was so nervous about delivering his first sermon that he'd not gotten much sleep for several nights. Matter of fact, he was so tired he could barely make it up the steps to his pulpit. Fortunately, he found his text and began preaching. But nervousness soon overtook him, and the outline flew right out of his mind.
Now, in Bible school he'd been taught that if a lapse of memory occurs, it is wise to repeat your last point. And so he did. "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly," but his mind was still a blank. He tried one more time, still no memory of what was to come next. Another attempt, but no results.
Finally he stepped way back, made a lunge toward the pulpit, shouted out, "Behold, I come quickly," tripped, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had happened. "That's all right, young man," said the kindly old lady. "It was really my fault. You warned me three times that you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way."CHAPTER 2
Hey, don't get in an uproar. This is not a put-down of church laity—it means exactly what it says. These are jokes about us who sit in the pews, as opposed to those who sit up by the pulpit. Pew-sitting is an honorable profession. If it weren't for us, the pulpit sitters would have no one to preach to. And remember, some thinker somewhere said this: "A good sense of humor helps us pew-sitters in many ways. It helps us understand the orthodox, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and survive the unbearable."
Clara: My pastor is so good he can preach on any subject for an hour.
Sarah: That's nothing! My pastor can talk for an hour without a subject.
The parson had been disturbed by a person who read much too fast during responsive readings.
"We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm—in unison." He paused. "Will the lady who is always 'by still waters' while the rest of us are 'in green pastures,' please wait a minute until we catch up?"
A lonesome woman parishioner demanded a home visit from her pastor. So, as promised, the reverend showed up and sat by the woman's bed listening to her litany of woe. Finally he asked to read some passages from her Bible.
In a much-too-sweet voice she called to her little daughter playing in the next room, "Darling, please bring Mother that dear old book that she reads every night." Promptly the little girl brought in a copy of a popular TV-movie magazine.
The Tate Family Members
Do you have any idea of how many members of the Tate family belong to your congregation? There is old man Dic Tate who wants to run everything, while uncle Ro Tate tries to change everything. Their sister, Agi Tate, stirs up plenty of trouble with help from her husband, Irri Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi Tate and his wife Vegi Tate want to wait until next year. Brother Facili Tate is quite helpful in church business. Cousins Cogi Tate and Medi Tate always think things over and lend a helpful steady hand. And, of course, there is the bad seed in the family, Ampu Tate, who has cut himself off completely from the Body of Christ.
There are four classes of church members: the tired, the retired, the tiresome, and the tireless.
Every church has three classes of members: the workers, the jerkers, and the shirkers.
Some church members who say "Our Father" on Sunday go around the rest of the week acting like orphans.
It seems that some church members have been starched and ironed, but too few have been washed.
Dictionary of Church Attenders:
Pillars—worship regularly, giving time and money; Leaners—use the church for funerals, baptisms, and weddings; Specials—help and give occasionally for something that appeals to them; Annuals—dress up for Easter and come for Christmas programs; Sponges—take all blessing and benefits, even the sacraments, but never give out anything themselves; Scrappers—take offense and criticize.
Excerpted from The World's Greatest Collection of Church Jokes by Paul M. Miller. Copyright © 2003 Barbour Publishing, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.