Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back

by Stephen Arterburn, Jason B. Martinkus Narrated by Tom Parks, Kate Rudd

Overview

You Can Win Her Back



Few challenges in life are as difficult as regaining a wife's trust-and few are as ultimately worthwhile. Trust can be rebuilt in your marriage! With patient, loving, self-sacrificing effort, it's possible that one day your wife will risk her heart with you again. And she may even have more respect and love for you than before.



In Worthy of Her Trust, Jason Martinkus relates how he repaired his own marriage after revelations of sexual addiction. Along with Stephen Arterburn, Jason offers exercises and tools rooted in counseling principles to help your marriage begin again. This comprehensive guide discusses: how to be truly and effectively transparent; combating the "he must not love me" myth and other untruths; what to do about the Internet, office temptations, and travel; encouragement for wives who wonder if trust can ever be restored; the "five-minute phone call" and other daily trust-building strategies; what meaningful forgiveness and restitution look like; and the Amends Matrix-a concrete exercise to admit past wrongs and cast a vision for a faithful future. Including insights from Jason's wife, Shelley, Worthy of Her Trust guides you through the process of rebuilding your relationship so it is stronger than ever.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

Praise for Worthy of Her Trust

"Can you rebuild marital trust after sexual sin? Yes, and Jason Martinkus and Stephen Arterburn will show you how. Jason and his wife, Shelley, take you on their deeply personal and spiritual journey from betrayal to trust. Read this book and apply the principles, and you, too, can regain trust in your marriage.“
—Dr. David Clarke, Christian psychologist, speaker, and author of I Don't Want a Divorce

“This book opens the reader’s eyes to the difficult truth and reality of what it takes to rebuild trust in a relationship devastated by sexual betrayal. My marriage would not have survived without God’s grace and the wisdom and essential guidance found in Worthy of Her Trust. Any man committed to winning back his wife at all costs needs to read this book!”
—Curtis, Arizona

“No matter how tragic and seemingly irreparable your marriage may be, there is hope. My husband wanted to rebuild trust in a hopeless situation. He learned and continues to implement the amends matrix, and he has kept 242 days of the T-30 journal. We have not only experienced reconciliation, but we have been restored individually. For that I am eternally grateful! If you are both ready to let God redeem the past and help you build trust again, Worthy of Her Trust will show you how.”
—Susan, Colorado

“Finally, for one of the darkest periods of any relationship, Jason has delivered a no-nonsense, inspired approach for rebuilding shattered trust. By sharing his compassion and insight, he has opened the door for true transformation and growth. This is a must-read book if moving forward is your goal.”
—Dave, California

“Worthy of Her Trust is the go-to, step-by-step resource for professionals or anyone seeking guidance through the trust-building process. Martinkus presents a model of relationship intimacy—based on closeness and honesty—a connection that becomes both the context and motivation for the redemptive journey.”
—Bob Sklar, LMFT

Product Details

BN ID:	2940172247026
Publisher:	EChristian, Inc.
Publication date:	08/19/2014
Edition description:	Unabridged

Read an Excerpt

1
“How Can I Ever Trust You Again?”
 
 
There is no response sufficient to answer the question posed above, no response that quite matches the gravity of a question originating from a place so deep within that it seems almost unanswerable.
 
What elements might the answer contain? Time? Space? Specific tasks?
Counseling? Prayer? Words? Actions? Only God?
 
The answer can feel beyond reach. And restoration may seem unattainable.
Unfortunately, amid the stress and hopeless feelings of a trustless relationship,
many men hit the Eject button. The odds appear so stacked against them, they write off the relationship regardless of how many years have been invested.
 
In my counseling office, many men tell me they feel so behind the eightball when it comes to restoring trust that they don’t see the point of even trying. In these cases, divorce occurs prematurely. There is very little attempt at restoration, much less the full investment of time and energy required for such a venture. It is terribly sad, because truth be told, these men don’t really know if divorce has to be the final outcome.
 
In the shameful wake of their disclosure of a sexual failure (or, more commonly, being found out), many men can’t muster the courage to look beyond the carnage of the present and glimpse the horizon of what could be a hopeful future. If these men could only see that trust building is possible. If only a man could see that someday his wife would risk her heart with him again. Someday it would be possible that she’d have more respect and adoration for him than ever before.
 
Building trust back in a relationship damaged by sexual integrity issues is a culmination of all the aforementioned things—and then some. It is like building a sculpture out of Legos. Some of the pieces include time, energy,
planning, vision, willingness, creativity, persistence, patience, intentionality,
hope, failure, and commitment. That’s a lot of Legos!
 
Trust building is an ongoing process that consists of multiple intentional factors divinely pieced together over the course of time with a heart attitude of humility and commitment.
 
In reality, there is no formula for rebuilding trust. The process cannot be precisely prescribed or predicted. Trust building happens when it happens.
What is required of the trust builder is to continue to faithfully place pieces into the structure, not haphazardly, but methodically. Not carelessly, but carefully.
 
My wife, Shelley, and I gave a talk at a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers)
group recently, and one of the women asked Shelley how she knew she could trust me again. Shelley’s response was simple yet incredibly complex. “I just knew,” she stated.
 
Not rocket science, huh!
 
To explain, she gave an example of one of our trust-building tools: the five-minute phone call rule. This rule is a mutual agreement between us that Shelley can call me at any time and expect me to answer the phone. Should I not answer, I have a five-minute window in which to call her back. Beyond that time frame, Shelley has the right to immediately think the worst and assume I am again betraying God, her, and our relationship. Any work I’ve done to that point to rebuild trust is in jeopardy—and she can feel that way without apology.
 
The woman who asked the question looked puzzled. She didn’t say anything,
but the look on her face revealed skepticism that it could be that simple.
She looked as if she wanted to say, “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? A five-minute phone call rule?”
 
Yes—but also no. Every phone call I get from Shelley gives me an opportunity to place a Lego on our trust sculpture. Every time I pick up her call,
and she verifies my whereabouts, or every time I return her call within the time window, a small element of trust is built.
 
Over time, combined with many other Lego-placement opportunities,
trust is gradually built and restored. Shelley began to “just know” that she could trust me, because she could make out the essence and form of the trust sculpture, which we saw as safe, secure, and verifiable.
 
She could sense it, see it, and experience it.
 
More than anything, though, what enabled Shelley to begin to trust me was recognizing and accepting her source of security in someone other than me. Shelley came to terms with the reality that she would be okay even if everything in life weren’t okay. In particular, even if I was not okay. Even if I was not trustworthy and never placed another Lego on our relational work of art, she would be okay.
 
Like Shelley, in order to change and engage the process of trust building,
I, too, needed to come to terms with the truth that God was ultimately the change agent and healer. He is the true trust builder. He is the master architect and artist shaping any sculpture. If both Shelley and I lean on him for our journey of rebuilding our relationship, then neither of us must lean against each other. Because, inevitably, one of us will tire and let the other down. If we’re leaning on each other for our ultimate source of strength and comfort, we will disappoint each other.
 
Every time.
 
And that can lead to a deep sense of hopelessness that has only one outcome:
calling it quits.
 
This point cannot be overemphasized. If we are counting on our spouse to ultimately fulfill, complete, and restore us, we will be perpetually disappointed.
We will long for the next relationship, which by chance might be better, easier, more fulfilling, more exciting, or more secure. But probably not. The wise King Solomon chased the next thing over and over again and came up empty. He called this “chasing after the wind” (Ecclesiastes 2:11).
 
If a relationship is to be restored and trust reestablished, it requires the master artist crafting the sculpture. We are simply responsible for placing the Legos. I repeat this point because there is so much confusion about what builds trust.
 
Speaking of confusion about what builds trust, our starting point must be to clear up some of the confusion. We must deal with some common misconceptions about trust building. Too often I find that people have a misinformed idea of how and what builds trust. It’s scary to me how often I hear clients quote (sometimes unwittingly) a random television series line or a celebrity’s theory on relationships, especially as it pertains to sexual integrity.
 
We’re bombarded daily with messages about how fidelity in relationships should work. These are sitcom snapshots of how forgiveness and trust should look, and we are coached on how to respond to our spouse when things don’t go well. In the unreal entertainment world, any relational damage is quickly patched up in an episode or two. If that’s what you think, let me tell you straight that real life and real healing are nothing like that.
 
Part of the motivation for writing this book is to give husbands and wives a more accurate idea of what the process of healing trust looks like. It is long,
arduous, messy, absolutely not formulaic, sometimes comical, often depressing,
and always mysterious. It is a process of trial and error. Certainly there are similarities in the way people experience the rebuilding of trust, but at the end of the day, the process is your process.
 
As you embark on the journey of trust building, my hope is that this book will help you with insights and tools. I want you to understand how trust is built after it’s been shattered by sexual integrity issues. I also want you to have specific examples of how to employ these tools to maximize their effectiveness. What good are tools if you don’t know how to use them?
 
In addition, there are two other features of this book that I hope you find useful. At various points, you’ll find reflection and encouragement from my wife in sections labeled “Shelley’s Thoughts.” These sections are designed to give you a different angle on what’s required for effective trust building. I urge you to carefully read Shelley’s insights and allow her input to be a voice representing your wife.
 
Finally, my coauthor, Stephen Arterburn—respected author, counselor,
and host of the radio program New Life Live—offers his wisdom on the topic of rebuilding trust in a foreword, afterword, and a series of comments throughout the text that are set off as “Insight from Stephen Arterburn.” You will find his thoughts both challenging and encouraging as you journey through this book.
 
So let’s dive in. But before we begin, I want to tell you the story of a man who totally destroyed his wife’s trust and then, by God’s grace, slowly won it back.
 
That man is me.

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "Worthy of Her Trust"
by .
Copyright © 2014 Stephen Arterburn.
Excerpted by permission of The Crown Publishing Group.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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