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X That Ex: Making a Clean Break When the Relationship is Over [NOOK Book]


"Hell no. It’s over. I am done."

Saying it to him felt so damned good. God knows he deserved it. Still deserves it. So why is it that only a few weeks later, I doubt if I can stand by what I said?

X That Ex is the long-awaited answer for women who have left a bad relationship and don’t want to go back. It is incredibly common for women to leave partners who are emotionally...
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X That Ex: Making a Clean Break When the Relationship is Over

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"Hell no. It’s over. I am done."

Saying it to him felt so damned good. God knows he deserved it. Still deserves it. So why is it that only a few weeks later, I doubt if I can stand by what I said?

X That Ex is the long-awaited answer for women who have left a bad relationship and don’t want to go back. It is incredibly common for women to leave partners who are emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, immature, selfish or even abusive, but then struggle to stay away.

Women might be tripped up by their exes’ schemes to get them back, their own self-sabotaging ways or even by our society, which seems to glorify a "just give him one more chance" philosophy. To their family and friends’ dismay, huge numbers of women go back to toxic relationships, wasting years and the possibility of happier lives on men who can’t give them what they deserve.

If the post-breakup world for most people were logical, fair, regulated and well-defined, there would be no need for X That Ex. As most of us know, however, the time after a breakup is emotionally messy, sometimes chaotic and filled with conflicting feelings, motivations, hopes, temptations and realities that must be dealt with.

X That Ex focuses on this confusing time, demystifying why it is so difficult to stay away from a problematic ex, and distinguishing itself by making personalized predictions for readers about what to expect from their exes and themselves in the tumultuous time right after a relationship ends. This book is a unique roadmap that guides readers through the sometimes perilous time when a woman’s ex might try time-tested tactics to tempt her back, when self-sabotage may make a woman her own worst enemy, and when even our culture gets in on the action by making reunification seem reasonable.
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Carmichael's aim is to help mainly single women "make good decisions during the crucial period right after" leaving a partner. Carmichael, a licensed social worker and domestic violence specialist, arms readers with plenty of ammunition and warns readers away from exes who try to make them feel guilty and previewing the statements an ex will use as emotional blackmail ("I know all your secrets"). Carmichael's many "self-discovery exercises," combined with her answers to many of a woman's excuses ("But he's such a good man") will keep readers headed in the right direction. So will her suggestions for alternatives to sulking. Carmichael is upbeat and insistent that women keep their eye on the prize; she's the good friend who takes your phone away when you want to drunk dial and she blocks your every excuse to make up with your ex. If everyone had a friend like Carmichael, nobody would need this book. But after reading her helpful guide, it's clear that keeping her advice close at hand is a healthy strategy for us all.
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780897936415
  • Publisher: Turner Publishing Company
  • Publication date: 1/3/2013
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 168
  • Sales rank: 1,358,725
  • File size: 613 KB

Meet the Author

Kristin Carmichael is a Licensed Independent Social Worker who holds master’s degrees in social work and business administration. She is Domestic Violence Specialist at CHRISTUS St. Vincent Regional Medical Center. In this role, Carmichael consults, trains and collects data in order to develop the Southwest’s first medical-advocacy program dedicated to the safety of abuse survivors.

A former manager at Esperanza Shelter for Battered Families, she’s an expert in the dynamics of unhealthy relationships, and has advocated for and counseled more than a thousand domestic violence survivors.

Since 2001, she has trained teens, law enforcement, judicial system officials, and healthcare and business professionals on issues related to domestic violence. She has presented seminars to behavioral health professionals at conferences, shared her expertise at statewide trainings for The New Mexico Coalition to End Domestic Violence, completed research on the tactics of abusive men that has been shared publicly, and has given multiple interviews for newspapers and radio.

Carmichael is on the cutting edge of theory and effective practice and has attended more than 50 trainings supporting her goal of helping women find and maintain healthy relationships.

She is co-facilitator of Santa Fe’s Medical Action Team of the Coordinated Community Response Council, a member of New Mexico’s Domestic Violence Homicide Review Team, a co-founder of Santa Fe’s Safety First Team, a steering committee member for Santa Fe’s Coordinated Community Response Council and a member of New Mexico’s Network to End Domestic Violence.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments viii

Introduction 1

How This Book Is Different 3

Do the Math 5

Who This Book Is For 7

Part I Your Ex's Play book

1 Getting to Know His Playbook 10

Memory: Your Go-To Player 13

Two Crucial Points 15

2 Your Ex's Defensive Plays 16

"We Need to Talk" 17

Recommended X-ing Strategies 21

"I Can Change" 21

"Don't Throw It All Away" 32

"I Can't Live Without You" 35

"I Can Give You What You Need" 38

3 Your Ex's Offensive Plays 41

"This Is Your Fault" 41

"It's Not My Fault? 48

"I Know All Your Secrets" 58

"I Just Want to Be Friends" 63

"What About the Children?" 67

"You're Going to Be Sorry" 72

Part II Surefire Strategies for X-ing Your Ex

4 Standing Behind Your Truth 78

Cut Off Communication 79

Take Pride in Your Pride 82

Test His Words 86

Use a Freedom Journal 87

Reclaim Your Instincts 88

See Him for Who He Really Is 89

Don't Use the "Good Man" Excuse 90

5 Setting Yourself Up for Success 94

Mum's the Word 95

Don't Be There 97

Shut Down Friends with Messages 98

Forgive Yourself 99

Take Your Own Advice 102

Mourn the Loss of the Salesman 105

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize 106

Put Your Happiness First 107

6 Getting Fit for the Road Ahead 113

The Top Ten Mistakes 116

The One Question That Will Make You Fail 123

The Risks of Healing 125

Thinking: A Spectator Sport 127

Breaking Up Breakup Myths 128

No Drinking and Dialing 137

The "L" Word: Loneliness 140

Conclusion: You're Worth It 146

Resources 149

Appendix: For Friends and Family Members Who Want to Help 151

Index 163

For more information about the book and its author, to sign up for support and information by e-mail, and for notification of the author's seminars and lectures, visit

Important Note

The material in this book is intended to help women end destructive or dangerous relationships. Every effort has been made to provide accurate and dependable information. The contents of this book have been compiled through professional research and in consultation with other mental-health specialists. However, the reader should be aware that professionals in the field have differing opinions.

Therefore, the publisher, author, and editors, as well as the professionals quoted in the book, cannot be held responsible for any error, omission, or dated material. The author and publisher assume no responsibility for any outcome of applying the information in this book in a program of self-care or under the care of a licensed practitioner. If you have questions concerning your relationships, or about the application of the information described in this book, consult a qualified mental-health professional. If you are in a violent or potentially violent relationship or have any questions about abuse of any kind, please call a domestic-abuse hotline.

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