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"Throughout my career I've heard comedians say...that 'chicks ain't funny.' But then there's Wanda...one of my favorite practitioners of stand-up comedy from any gender."
— The Artist Formerly Known as Dave Chappelle
"Considering all the endless nights Wanda and I have spent clubbing 'til dawn, I have no earthly idea how she had time to complete this book, but all fans of great literature are thankful she did."
— Bob Costas
"I laughed out loud all the way through."
— Jane Fonda
Are We Mad?
I don't mean to disrespect the president...that's bullshit. You know I do. Hasn't anyone noticed that his eyes are getting closer and closer together? Pretty soon his left and right eye will be the same eye. If you look at him in just the right light (i.e., the light of truth), he resembles that weasel from the Kipling story, Riki-Tiki-Tavi. Talk about beady. And I'm supposed to trust this guy? He's either the greatest hypnotist since Svengali or we're just stupid.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we get rid of one president for lying about a government-sanctioned hotel break-in? And didn't we oust another because he lied about whom he had sex with? Last time I checked lying to us to justify a war trumps breaking into a hotel room and a blow job. Note the key word: lie. The only thing Bush II has done is get caught in lie after lie. Lies about the deficit, tax cuts, Social Security, the Iraq war. But we let him just keep on keeping on. What's wrong with us? Would we put up with that kind of treatment from anybody else in any other situation? Hell no!
Are we nuts? Why aren't we having a fit? Bush said that Saddam was an "imminent threat to our security." He said Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. He lied. We didn't find shit. Then he tried to twist it by telling us they found some equipment that could possibly be used to make WMDs. What kind of bullshit is that? Either he's retarded or he thinks we're retarded. I took a physics class when I was in high school, that don't mean that I'm at home whipping up bombs.
Why aren't we in the streets screaming for him to be impeached? Are we under some fear spell? He lied. I've seen people more upset when Whitney is a no-show. Let Streisand cancel a performance. It's chaos. "Babs said she'd be here tonight. She lied! That cockeyed bitch lied!"
See, to me, America is like my car. I love my car. And my car is supposed to take me wherever I want to go as long as I keep the "governing" fluids changed and get regular tune-ups. That's what elections are: a nationwide tune-up — every four years. So that makes the president sort of like...our mechanic. And all we want from him is to just keep our shit running good. That's all. If he can do that without costing me an arm and a leg, cool. But, what if my mechanic was not only incompetent, but constantly lied about what's wrong with my car. A real-live Mr. Badwrench. Actually, more like a Mr. Fucked-up Wrench. Never fixed the car, just kept washing it. That's all, just washing it over and over and over again. My car's falling apart, but "it looks clean." Wouldn't I get a new mechanic? Or at least give another mechanic a shot? Wouldn't I report him to wherever bad mechanics get reported? Damn right. Look, in November, since we can't just up and buy a new car, can we at least get someone to get this bitch up and running?
Look Over Here!
We have U.S. soldiers being killed every day over in Iraq because of an unjustified war that Bush started. The economy is in the toilet. The education system is failing our kids. The deficit is out of control. However, instead of fixing any of this shit, the president focuses on nonproblems. We won't think about what is really going on if he makes us think that the real problems are steroids in sports, space travel, and gay marriage. You've got to be kidding me. Sometimes I feel like we're trapped on a bad Fox reality show, Joe President. He's not really a president. He's a construction worker. If he gets reelected, he gets a million dollars and we get screwed.
In what will hopefully be his last State of the Union Address, George W. said that we needed to crack down on the use of steroids in professional sports. When he said that, I was like, "Nigga, what?" I'm sorry, I rarely use that word, but he deserved it for saying some dumb shit like that. With all that's going wrong in this country, steroids in pro sports should not even be on his radar. Steroids are flying right above Nick and Jessica. Right now the president should not be concerned about athletes who are playing "too" good. The guy who has been unemployed for the past six months doesn't give a shit about millionaire ballplayers getting in trouble for using performance-enhancing drugs to elevate or in some cases sustain their careers. This broke guy isn't going, "Hey, I think there might be an outfielder position opening up in San Francisco. I better get my résumé together." This guy is wishing he could have taken some performance enhancers; maybe he could've kept his computer engineering job. Who is Bush trying to fool? Not me.
Now why shouldn't athletes be allowed to take performance-enhancing drugs? They get to wear performance-enhancing clothes, don't they? What the hell do you think a kneepad, or a bat, or cleats are for? To enhance performance. A football player isn't born wearing a face mask. But you'd think Jerry Rice was nuts if he went on the field without one, wouldn't you? I never saw Barry Sanders blast one up the middle without wearing a helmet. Or Ken Griffey Jr. slap a line drive down the third base line with his hand. So we shouldn't be upset if athletes take the "equipment" to the next level and make it "internal equipment."
How about shoes? Ever try driving the lane while barefoot? Don't shoes enhance normal human performance? Of course, but they're perfectly legal. So what if steroids can alter mental ability and capacity for clear thought? Talk about fun players, I'd love to see somebody get tackled during the National Anthem. There'd be bench-clearing brawls after the game. My kinda players.
So what if steroids eventually destroy the prostate and testicles and totally kill the sex drive? Hey, some of those guys need their sex drives tamed a bit. Holla at me, Denver! Hell, these guys need to take something with all that pressure they're under. It's not easy being a multibillion-dollar franchise player or even a benchwarmer. They've got so much to worry about: the games, the interviews, the parties, the checks, the chicks, endorsements, paternity suits, late-night car crashes, DUIs, murder investigations. No wonder they need some drugs to help them compete. Let them take all the steroids they want, if you ask me. Let 'em shoot up on the field, or snort during the half-time interview. Who cares? We just want a good game.
Bush announced an initiative to spend twelve billion dollars to create a permanent moonbase by 2020. That's the first smart thing that he has proposed. He knows by the time he gets through, we will be so fucked on this planet that we're going to be needing another home real soon. We're not getting our deposit back on this one. We're going to have to sneak off and move in the middle of the night. Between the pollution, lowered emission standards, drilling, and pissing off every other country on the planet, Bush knows it's time for us to start packing up.
NASA, the JPL, it's the welfare for nerds. It is a billion-dollar welfare program for really smart dorks. Where else are they going to work? They're too smart to do anything else. They can't fit in with us. They know a bunch of stuff that us regular folks could give two shits about. They would annoy us to the point of hurting them. "Hey Wanda, did you know that the atmosphere on — " Pow! "Shut it up, dummy on the moon."
What have we learned from our space travels? Seriously? What have we learned or discovered that affects our daily lives? Nothing. We're spending billions of dollars in outer space for what? Why don't we spend just half of that to find out who shot Tupac?
I don't give a damn about space travel. I don't even have a passport, so you know I don't give a fuck about the weather on Mars. Shit, I'm not leaving the country, get caught up in a coup. Whenever they do discover something, the vast majority of us have no idea what it means. "Scientists discovered today that stars can be consumed by a black hole." What? Sounds like a report about Lil' Kim to me. "NASA discovered that an area of Mars was once drenched in water." And? Even the news anchor who reports the story don't know what the hell they're talking about. When it comes to that shit, they are just reading the TelePrompTer. Even Peter Jennings has that blank stare when it comes to that space shit.
Approximately twenty percent of Americans currently own a passport, so why are we dicking around in space? Ain't no happy Mars movies. Star Trek went there and shit went bad. I do believe that there is life on other planets. I also believe that we are the dumbest creatures in the universe. The Fox network is proof positive. I bet they don't dare have shows like The Littlest Groom or The Swan on Neptune.
I bet our Opportunity Rover is on the Martian news. "Those simple earthlings are at it again." To them, our rover is probably like the mosquitoes and the West Nile virus to us. "We're going to have to spray again."
It's spreading. The gays are going marriage crazy across the country. Massachusetts passed a law legalizing gay marriages. Also in San Francisco gay couples were lined up for miles because the mayor was issuing marriage licenses for same-sex couples. So now President Bush, under pressure from the conservatives, and needing any distraction to get our focus off the shit he's got us in, put his foot down and proposed a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriages. The president starts another attack, the war on the nuptials of Sam and Greg.
Bush said the amendment to define marriage as only between a man and a woman would "fully protect marriage." I don't think marriage needs to be protected from same-sex couples. The biggest threat to marriage is divorce. Divorce is kicking marriage's ass. Divorce is what ruined my marriage, not Stacy and Anna getting hitched. Most marriages end in divorce. If Bush and the Christian conservatives really want to protect marriage they should propose a constitutional amendment to ban divorce. Divorce is in direct opposition of their Christian beliefs more so than gay marriages. When you get married, and it's from the Bible, they say, "What has been joined by God let no man put asunder." See? Marriage should be like the Mafia — once you're in, you're in. Ban divorce. The murder rate would go up, but the institution of marriage would be strong and healthy. They're all just a bunch of hypocrites.
If you're not gay and you don't want to marry someone of the same sex, why do you care? Yet still in the twenty-first century people are trying to put a ban on things that don't even affect them. Remember those people who wanted to ban gangsta rap? They don't listen to the music, so why do they care? You never saw Tipper Gore riding in her Escalade sitting on spinning rims, with the seat set way back bumping to some Ice Cube. "Naw Al, I'm not feeling this new Cube." The same thing goes for the same-sex marriage law. If you're not a gender sleeping with the same gender, what makes this issue affect you to the point of making signs and marching to ban it? I'd only put that much effort into an issue if there were something in it for me. "What? They want to ban the sale of alcohol after ten o'clock? Where's my damn sign? I'm gonna go protest right after I sober up."
I'm so sick of these busybodies like Gary Bauer who are going around the country trying to ban gay marriages. Why do you care? Are you really losing sleep, tossing and turning at night in your bed because Bob and Jim are getting married? Why do you care, unless you were planning on fucking Bob or Jim? "That Jim is hot; now he's off the market." Somehow gay couples being married affects their straight marriage. What, are you afraid that gays are going to be more successful in their marriages? Your wife is going to throw it in your face. "Dave and Jake are so happy. They never argue." And you're thinking, Yeah, well, if you let me fuck you in the ass a couple of times maybe we'd communicate a little better, too. I'm sure that'll cheer things up around here.
The lame argument that they use is that marriage is a sacred union that is meant to be between only a man and a woman. By recognizing any other union, like a same-sex couple, it will desecrate the holy institution of marriage. I don't think the only prerequisite for a legal marriage should be that it has to be between a man and a woman. If you want to make marriage sacred, you need to be even more selective. Like, where the hell were Bauer and the protestors when Liza Minelli married David Guest? Y'all should've been out there trying to stop that shit, too.
It seems to me that the conservatives are hung up on the word "marriage." I say, let them keep marriage. It's just a word, terminology. Gays just want their union to be legally recognized across the country. What they really want are the same benefits that marriage offers, which in my opinion are none. So gay couples should just come up with a word other than marriage that means the same thing. Hell, come up with something that's better than marriage. Call it Mardi Gras! "I just got my invitation to Carol and Janet's Mardi Gras." Come on, who don't like a good Mardi Gras? You can't be mad about that. "Jake and Lester been Mardi Gras'd for thirty years." Don't let a word get in the way of your rights. Mardi Gras would be perfect. Gays love a good parade; have your Mardi Gras on a float. Give each other matching Mardi Gras beads. Write your own Mardi Gras vows. It will catch on. "Is this her first Mardi Gras?" "No, this is her second. She has three kids from a previous Mardi Gras."
A Mardi Gras would be wonderful. You don't have to subject your best friend to all that damn planning and inconvenience. No one has to worry about what to wear that day. Just come to party. You don't have to remember some unimportant words you spent the night before trying to memorize. Married couples would look at gays in complete jealousy. It's like married couples have to live up to the standards of what everyone thinks marriage should be.
Recently Married Person: Damn, I gotta go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving. I hate going over there. They're always pressuring me about how much money I make and about having children.
Recently Mardi Gras'd Person: Well, since our parents rejected us because we're gay, why don't we have Thanksgiving together with all of our other rejected friends? We can all get drunk and go out dancing until the early morning.
Recently Married Person: Damn, I wish I had a Mardi Gras.
He He He
The first time I saw George W., there was something about him that I didn't like right out of the gate. His laugh. The president shouldn't laugh like a villain. The man laughs like he just tied somebody to the railroad tracks. Now it all makes sense. Haliburton, tax cuts for the wealthy, his buddy Ken Lay skipping away from the Enron fiasco, the lies, losing millions of jobs, the war...he tied us to the tracks.
What's in the Cabinet?
We should've known the trouble that was ahead of us just from some of George W.'s cabinet appointments. It was like a bad joke. Let's start with the environment. Bush appointed Christine Todd Whitman head of the EPA. No wonder they've managed to lower the emissions standards. The governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is? I mean, I'm sorry, but you drive through New Jersey, you're gonna get a lump in your breast. Better get a mammogram at the toll. They should have a mammogram booth right next to the E-Z Pass lane. "That'll be two-forty, and put your titty on the counter."
I knew we were headed far to the right when Bush appointed John Ashcroft attorney general. The "compassionate conservative" went right out the window with Ashcroft. He just looks mean. Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, "Listen, you're not pregnant." I said, "Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit."
Condoleezza Rice, the national security advisor — I knew that was a problem right there. Come on now, you know a black woman can't keep no secrets. She was probably at the beauty parlor just tellin' all of our business. "I can't be in here all day. We're bombing Iraq at two. Just give me a press and curl. I want to look cute when we put our foot up Saddam's ass."
During the early part of his term Bush enjoyed a seventy percent approval rating. The majority of us were satisfied with the job that the president was doing. Which makes sense to me, because he pretty much did everything I expected him to do. The economy is in the toilet. We're at war, and everything's on fire. He's met all my expectations. I have no complaints. He's right on target in my book.
We have such low expectations of our president. We let Bush get away with shit, lying and poor grammar. I think there are quite a few Americans who just feel like no matter what he does, we gotta get behind him. You don't pick on the slow kid. You don't do that. You don't boo at the Special Olympics. It's not nice. They're all winners. It's like when you don't say anything when the retarded kid eats his ice cream with a fork. You just let them enjoy their ice cream.
Didn't Get the Memo
It's been over two years and we're still waiting for the findings of the World Trade Center investigation. Who knew what? Could it have been prevented? What did he know? Basically, how did we fuck up? Everybody really wants to know: What did the president know before 9-11? Absolutely nothing. Remember, he didn't get smart until after 9-11. You can't hold him responsible for stuff that was going on back then. He wasn't paying attention during the briefings; he was probably busy coloring or something, unaware of the world around him: "Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo." "You want to listen up, Mr. President?" "Uh-uh, I'm busy, oh, go ahead. I want to finish this one. I think it might make the fridge. Hey look, Dick, I stayed in the lines this time."
We're not going to get to the truth because nobody wants to admit it when they screw up. Nobody, not the FBI, CIA, NSA, the White House, but they all screwed up. Instead of admitting it, they say, "Well, you know, there is no way in the world we could have imagined 9-11 happening. No way in the world. It was beyond our wildest imaginations." Then later on, here comes Coleen Rowley, the FBI whistle-blower, and we find out about all of these damn memos. Highly trained FBI agents were on it; they wrote memos like, "There are Middle Eastern men who have affiliations with radical fundamentalist Islamic groups and activities connected to Osama Bin Laden, taking flying lessons and they are skipping all of the classes on landing." You'd think that would've raised an eyebrow. Agents were damn near coming right out and saying, "I think this dude wants to fly a plane into the World Trade Center." But the higher-ups still said, "Well, there's no way in the world we could have predicted 9-11." What? They are acting like the memos were written by Miss Cleo.
When Operation Shock and Awe began over Iraq, George W. Bush was cocky. He couldn't start that war fast enough. When that statue of Saddam fell down in Baghdad, he was probably dancing around the Oval Office going, "Four more years, four more years!" He wasn't scared of shit. He landed a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier. He kissed Africans with AIDS. He didn't give a damn! "Bring those AIDS lips over here. Here's some money; go cure that shit." He let the real cowboy come out, wearing a ten-gallon hat, spurs, and six- shooters up in the United Nations, just acting a fool, guns blazing, "I don't need no stinking votes."
He's bombing everything. He's just waiting for North Korea to do something. He would love to get in their ass. He's just begging for it, like, "Please, please fuck up. I need another distraction from the economy." He's like black people in line just waiting for someone to cut in front of them. "Aw, please, do it, I wish you would."
When you look at it, the war was pretty much written like a comic book. Our hero is out to avenge his father's defeat. That shit was personal. Saddam put a hit out on his dad when he was in office. I don't blame GW. If you mess with my dad, I'll whup your ass, too. However, I wouldn't lie to all of my cousins and friends to get them involved, too.
Me: He tried to kill my daddy!
Cousin: What? You should kick his ass.
Me: Uh-huh...yeah...I should....Uh...he said he was gonna try to kill your daddy, too.
Cousin: What?! Let's fuck him up!
Me: Okay. I got your back.
That's what Bush did. He was like, "Oh, you tried to kill my father? I will blow up your whole shit." Then he lied to us to get us on board. He told us that Saddam was going to kill us, and our daddies.
The whole war was playing out like a comic book. Our hero goes after the villain, they fight, our hero wins, but the villain gets away. Damn you, Saddam! Then there was the sequel, The Search for Saddam. As usual, the sequel stinks. We didn't get the bad guys. Bin Laden got away; we couldn't find Saddam. What pissed me off was when we couldn't find him they tried to appease us with a bunch of lovely parting gifts. The deck of Iraq's Most Wanted. What is that bullshit? Every day they were finding an eight of diamonds or a queen of hearts. That hand sucks! Do you really give a damn about the ten of clubs? "Oh look, we got the four of spades. That's Saddam's third-grade math teacher; isn't this wonderful? You can't be an evil dictator without knowing your fractions." "Hey everybody, the two of hearts, we found her. It's the shampoo girl. She's behind his hair. His hair is evil." I wanted the Joker. This deck is marked.
I was shocked when we found Saddam hiding in his filthy hole like a lil' bitch. When you know people are coming after you, you don't wait around for them. And we kept telling him, "We comin', we comin'." Why did he wait around? I mean, I missed three car payments one time. I knew the repo man was coming. Do you think I parked in my driveway? Hell no!! I hid my shit in a tree in Seattle. With that kinda warning Saddam should've been nowhere near Iraq. He should've been in some beachfront condo with a drink in hand, watching all the bombing on a wide-screen TV, like "Aw, damn, shit, not my palace!! I just put a new roof on that shit! Aw, he's fucking me up!! That Bush is crazy! Look at my shit! Run, Uday, run, Qusay! Aw, damn! I can't take it. Osama, roll that weed up, man. I can't watch this shit." Osama's firing up a fatty, saying, "Man, I told you not to fuck with Bush. Tried to warn your ass. Did you see what he did to my cave? Did you see my cave? Now the shit is just dirt."
It was personal. I believe Bush's former secretary of the treasury, Paul O'Neill, when he said that George W. wanted to go after Saddam as soon as he stepped foot in the White House. He probably didn't even unpack, he just started making plans to get Saddam. Richard Clarke, the former counterterrorism official, claims that Bush was so focused on invading Iraq that he didn't pay enough attention to Al Qaeda. He wanted Saddam. He was trying to figure out how he was going to get it by us. First it was:
Him: Saddam is in violation of UN sanctions.
Us: Let the UN work it out.
Him: Uh, Saddam kicked the inspectors out of Iraq.
Us: Well, because they were spying on him. Let the inspectors go back in.
Him: Uh, Saddam has weapons of mass destruction.
Us: Let the UN inspectors keep looking.
Him: Uh, we can't wait.
Us: Yes we can.
Him: He's an imminent threat!
Us: Prove it.
Him: Fuck y'all. We're going in.
We go to war; no, we attack Iraq. Can't find any weapons of mass destruction.
Him: Uh, Saddam is an evil dictator. We are liberating Iraq.
Us: Liberators? Where's the WMDs?
I would have respected Bush more if he would've just come right out and said, "All right, we gonna bomb Saddam because I just don't like his ass."
Is it just me, or did you notice it, too? When we found Saddam hiding in that little hole, he looked like he was not fazed by it all. I was checking out the footage of him being examined by the military doctor. Saddam looked as if he was more concerned about his health than the deep pile of shit he was in. He was rubbing his throat like, "Yeah, Doc, it's a little sore. I hope I'm not getting that flu that's going around."
I gotta be honest. I really could give two shits about Iraqi freedom. Has it changed your life? Is your hot water any warmer? When you wake up in the morning, do you feel the Iraqi freedom? Does your food taste better now? It ain't free over there, especially for women. Women are still getting their ass kicked over there. I bet the day the Saddam statue came down a woman was out there celebrating her new Iraqi freedom, got caught up in the excitement, and hugged a man who wasn't related to her and she got shot in the head. "I'm free." Bang! "Aw, shit. I fucked up."
The way it looks to me, the Iraqis are free. Free to sweep up that blown-up country of theirs. Free to sleep under the stars at night.
You'd think with all this Iraqi freedom that we would get a little relief from the gas prices. I paid $2.40 for a gallon of gas yesterday. That's too high! And I drive an SUV 'cause I'm short; I like to sit up high. It's a big car. I burn up eight gallons just opening the door. I turn on the radio and burn up half a tank. I can actually hear my ride burp.
This environmentalist tells me I'm using up all our natural resources. "What about the economy? What about the environment?" Aw, shut up. I don't see you walking to your rallies. Piss me off and I'm gonna buy a Hummer.
I don't give a damn about Iraqi freedom. When gas drops down to twenty-four cents a gallon, then I'll celebrate right along with you.
Homeland Security. They want us to feel safe. So how do they do that? By scarin' us to death. Every time we turn around, they tellin' us something is gonna happen, something is gonna happen. Can't even turn on the TV without hearing a warning, something is gonna happen. And they always do it on a Friday, 'round five o'clock. Just to mess up your weekend. You know, why don't they do it on Sunday night, tell everybody to take the day off Monday or something. "Uh — yeah. I ain't comin' in today. Naw, man. Something is gonna happen. Well, that's what Dick Cheney said."
I was wondering how long it was going to take them to put an end to the ticket agent asking us those security questions. What a waste of time, like if somebody were up to no good they were going to tell them.
Agent: Did you pack your own bags?
Passenger: Sure did, put the bomb in there myself.
Agent: Gate forty-five, have a good flight.
I don't think that the agents even listened to the response. I had this experience at the ticket counter. An agent asked me the security questions. "Did you pack your own bags?" I said, "Yes." "Have your bags been with you the whole time? You aware of all the contents of your bags?" I said, "Yes." And she goes, "Awesome." Awesome? What the hell is awesome? That doesn't make me feel safe. What, am I the only passenger who's been up here who knows what the hell is in their bags? Is everybody else who's flying going, "Uh — damn. You know, that's a good question because the dude with the FUCK THE U.S. T-shirt asked me to hold something. I feel like I'm going that way. I help a brother out, you know? I don't know what's up in here." "Gate forty-two B, have a good flight."
You, Over Here!
That random screening that they say they do at the airport? There's nothing random about the random screening at all. I know every time I fly, I get checked twice. They stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. Once they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage. I'm like, "Man, this is ridiculous. This cannot be healthy, being all irradiated. What the hell is this?"
There is nothing random about it. You get to the gate, and they're standing there with a Sherman Williams paint chart. If your ass is darker than khaki, you gettin' searched. I've been searched so much I said the hell with luggage. I just put all my stuff on a hanger. "This is all I got, y'all. That's it."
War at Eight, Seven Central
Watching the war coverage out in L.A. was annoying. Those people have completely different concerns. "Who's doing the lighting? The lighting is horrible. The cinematographer should be fired." "The wardrobe is so blah. That must be right off the rack."
I support our troops. No matter what's going on or who's the commander in chief, I pull for our men and women who are in the armed services. I even pull for the Coast Guard. My dad, brother, and a few uncles were in the military. I grew up in that environment.
I'm happy my father is retired. If my dad were out there fighting in the Middle East we'd have some problems. I can see him out in the desert checking his pockets while his soldiers wait for direction. "Where's my keys? I know I put them around here somewhere. Anybody seen the keys to the tank?"
My take on this is: You voted for the guy, you stick with him. You don't get a do-over. One hundred and thirty-five candidates, and it amazes me that some people actually got votes. If I were a California resident at the time, I would've voted for Gary Coleman. California has serious financial problems. Who knows more about being broke than Gary Coleman? He's qualified. But seriously, who would actually get in their car to go vote for Gary Coleman? Then again, I don't think you're driving a car if you're voting for Gary Coleman. You know you are taking the bus if you're voting for him. That or you're making a hiking trip to the polls. There should be trapdoors at the polls. Once you pull the lever for some bullshit, down you go. "I'm voting for the ex-porn staaaarrrrrrrrr!" Down ya go.
I can't believe Arnold won. Forget about the fact that he can't talk, never has been in office, he's an actor, groped a bunch of women, let's forget all about that. I thought it was over when it was alleged that he said there were some things that he admired about Hitler. I was like, "He's done." You just can't say anything good about Hitler. I don't care if you thought the man had nice shoes. You shouldn't say it. But what do I know? Arnold won. I can't wait to see the governor drive a Hummer to work on Earth Day.
I was a big Clinton supporter, but I was so disappointed by him. I didn't realize the man was an idiot. The president was on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You gotta stick with your lie. You have to believe that lie wholeheartedly. It has to become the truth for you. The most powerful man in the world is on TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men I know who will gladly accept oral sex on national TV.
Why are you apologizing? Oral sex is not a high crime. It's not grounds for impeachment. Oral sex is not a misdemeanor. It's not treason. He got oral sex from a White House intern, not from an Iraqi secret agent. It was pretty patriotic if you ask me. He kept it in house. I like that.
If the man would've stayed with his lie he could have saved us all a lot of embarrassment. It's embarrassing. All the countries are still laughing at us. You know other world leaders were just prank calling him all day. All day calling the White House, "Hello, Bill? Guess what I am doing right now? Come on, guess. Would you like to speak with her? Oh no, she can't talk right now. Hey, now who's country sucks?"
They pulled out that blue dress and scared him. That little dress with the DNA, and he lost it. He gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They oughta toss her right out of court. "Excuse me, Your Honor, she kept the dress." "What? No way. Case dismissed...and get your nasty ass out my courtroom! I should throw you in jail for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass! What else you keep, some old Q-tips and some tissues? How old are those drawers you wearing, Miss Nasty Ass? Bailiff, wipe all this off where she was sitting, too." They pulled that dress out and he lost it. A little DNA. Bill's not smart. They had DNA, blood, a glove, two dead bodies, a limo driver, a barking dog, and O.J. still said, "I'm one hundred percent not guilty." Stick with the lie.
I know I'm makin' more money, but where is it? I'm constantly looking at my portfolio, baffled. "Remember that check I put in here? Where is it? Is there a parasite in my account or something?" The economy is so screwed up. I had one stock that dropped to the point where I owed them money.
The country is in so much debt. That surplus we had is gone. We are deep in debt. Like trillions of dollars in debt, and we're still running up the bill. I'm fed up, so you know what? From now on, I ain't paying shit. I ain't paying one damn bill. I'm gonna be patriotic and behave like my government. When Amex calls me, I'll be on the phone chanting, "USA, USA." As soon as Uncle Sam pays his bill, I'll send my check in right along with him.
Why in the hell did they go after that woman? Martha Stewart. Insider trading? It's unfair. She's rich. Rich people, they talk to other rich people. And they talk about rich stuff, like stocks and bonds, and which island to buy.
They had it in for her. She didn't really do anything wrong. Everybody does that insider trading. Broke people do it, too, just on a different level. We all got a hookup. I have a cousin who works at Wal-Mart. She calls me all the time. "Girl, don't buy that today. It's going on sale tomorrow. Two for one, it's gonna split."
Basically, Martha is going to prison for talking to the feds. Well, so much for your cooperating with the authorities. What have we all learned? Don't say a thing without your lawyer present. I wouldn't give a damn if a sleeper cell was living next door to me; I wouldn't tell the government about it unless Johnnie Cochran was standing beside me. Martha really didn't do anything. Her kiss-ass big-mouth broker, Peter Bacanovic, is the one who called, alerting her that the Waksals were selling their stock. "Thanks for the tip. It saved me thousands and it might get me five years in the slammer."
The trial proved that it was a witch hunt. Prosecutors brought out testimony of Martha "yelling" at people on the phone, trying to make it seem that Martha wasn't a nice woman. What the hell does that have to do with the charges? They never would've asked questions like that if she were a man. Martha Stewart is a powerful woman; she probably does yell from time to time. She's the boss. Donald Trump yells at somebody every week on national television and fires him. We love it.
They scared Martha to death. I read in the Enquirer (so you know it's true) that she was having nightmares about going to prison, "lesbian nightmares." What is a Martha Stewart lesbian nightmare? "Shanice grabbed me by the collar of my prison-issued mandarin orange uniform. She lay down on the lower bunk, pulling me on top of her. She kissed me hard, then rolled on top of me. I felt the linen next to my skin, two hundred thread count! Aaahhhh!!!"
During tax season entire companies come out of hibernation just to teach the public how to lie to the government. But do we prosecute them? No. See, I think they went after Martha because they're pissed off about all the things she can make out of everyday items that they can't. I know Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh wouldn't have a clue what to do with a skein of maple weaver's yarn. But should Martha be reviled and punished because she can make a quilt, a hammock, and truss a turkey out of that same skein? I think not. Maybe I'm just starting to identify with rich women more these days. I used to identify with poor women. Thank God money cured me of that sickness. Which reminds me, thanks for buying this book.
My advice to anybody thinking about committing a federal offense: Do it quickly. Get locked up in Martha's jail. You know it's going to be nice. Martha is going to spruce the place up. Also if you get bored, Martha can break you out of there. That woman can make anything. And it won't be any of that nasty, tunneling-your-way-out, ruining-your-clothes shit. Martha will have you walking out of there clean and neatly pressed.
It's Gotta Be the Suits
So let me get this straight. Martha Stewart goes on trial and is convicted for allegedly getting a stock tip from a friend and she made a few thousand dollars. Ken Lay, former Enron CEO, bankrupts a sixty-billion-dollar company and he hasn't seen the inside of a courtroom. It's gotta be the suit. You put a middle-aged white man in a suit and he can get away with anything. "He's not a criminal. Look at the suit."
Enron, Tyco, MCI WorldCom, just a few corporate scandals where rich guys got richer while the rest of the employees who were looking forward to retirement are now out looking for another job. These CEOs were just robbing everybody blind. That's why I got out of the market. After I saw my monthly report I called my broker, I was like, "Hey, man, put all my money in weed." The price of weed never goes down. That's a real blue chip right there.
What little punishment these crooks get is never enough. They just go to a nice federal prison. I want them to do some Oz time. They don't even get a real trial. They get a congressional hearing. And what usually happens is they plead the fifth, or they go, "I don't recall." And that's acceptable. They get away with it, that shouldn't be acceptable. You ask any woman, if your man comes home late and you ask him if he's been cheating on you, and he goes, "I don't recall." You're gonna whip his ass till he gets his memory back.
These CEOs, man, to be that ruthless, you're a scary dude. I tell ya, now I walk past a little gangbanger, I don't even flinch. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk by the Arthur Andersen building, I'm cuttin' through the projects. Cutting through the projects, you might just lose what you have on you that day. I ain't never been mugged of my future. No thug ever ran up on me, "Give me your 401K. Give it here. I want your college fund, your IRA. I want it all."
Copyright © 2004 by Wanda Sykes
Posted September 23, 2014
WANDA SYKES CHARACTER 'N movie is TOTES HILARIOUS 'N CERTAIN SCENES!!!!:):0 LINE FROM MOVIE:"DAMN, I THINK I DISLOCATED MY VAGINA"!!!!:0:) UR BIGGEST FAN Tanner J LeSueur from Mesa AZWas this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
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Posted March 20, 2009
this is cleaverly written. she makes some wildly inappropriate comparisons, but they are true, and that's what makes it funny! Not for the faint of heart. A hell of an enjoyable read! i haven't out loud that hard in years!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted February 9, 2009
Wanda Sykes is hilarious. This book made me laugh out loud at several points. I do have to say that there are a few passages that I recognized from one of her stand-up routines. This doesn't mean they weren't still funny. Includes topics such as: Black History Month, George W. Bush, Weight and Exercise, Sports, Dating, Relationships, Children, and lots more.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted April 25, 2008
Posted September 7, 2007
I started reading this book because my sister recommended it and I am so happy she did. This book is perfect for people that like things said straight out. She is hilarious in this book. It's refreshing!!! Simply put, it's one of those books that you just don't want to put down and chances are you won't.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted October 12, 2006
I stumbled upon her book one day, it was on the cart. So I picked it and made my way to a seat. I haven't laugh consistently like I did with this book in a while. People were looking at me like I was crazy because I was laughing the whole time.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted May 25, 2006
I have read every book by the major comics Dangerfield, Hope, Bernie Mac, Carlin, Seinfeld, Rieser, Foxworthy, Cedric the Entertainer, Whoopi, Ellen, you name it, I've read it. This book is the greatest. Page for page it has more laughs than any of the above. If this book doesn't make you laugh then call up a family member and ask them to make your funeral arrangements.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted June 25, 2006
This book was a comedy act the entire way through. I was reading it at work, in the gym, in bed and anywhere else I could and people were looking at me like I was crazy because I was laughing so loud! BUY THIS BOOK! I know I going to buy my mother one.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted March 11, 2005
Posted October 20, 2004
Once you pick this book up you can't put it down. This is the book you will tell all your friends to read. In short it's funny and will keep a smile on your face all day long.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted September 24, 2004
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