You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day [NOOK Book]

Overview

You Are Worthless is the self-help book from hell. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use.

This hilarious parody collects hundreds of tidbits of painful reality such as You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt. Who ...

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You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

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Overview

You Are Worthless is the self-help book from hell. This bracing blast of negativity takes aim at the impossibly cheerful inspirational self-help books flooding the market and hits the bullseye, with chapters such as Your Good-for-Nothing Friends, Your Miserable Job, and Life: What's the Use.

This hilarious parody collects hundreds of tidbits of painful reality such as You're no good, you're not great-looking, and you're going to die someday and it's probably going to hurt. Who among us isn't sick to death of the gushy, new-agey inspirational books that blindly assert that everyone is worthy? We all know the truth, and this book is as refreshing as a slap to the face.

Just some of the depressingly humorous nuggets of truth include:

* You don't really have any outstanding qualities. It's safe to say you're pretty much just like everybody else.

* The only reason your pet likes you is because you feed it.

* As you get older, you are going to have less and less control over your bladder.

* If you take a big risk and follow your dream, chances are you're going to fall flat on your face.

You Are Worthless also features a section called Hopeless Role Models from History, including Helen Keller (I've had it), and Abraham Lincoln (The only thing I'm good at is losing).

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Editorial Reviews

Emily Gordon

You Are Worthless is a dark little book in the vein of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts, Matt Groening's Life in Hell and, within the Dikkers landscape, raw Onion lectures on stain removal and marital health. Writing as Dr. Oswald T. Pratt ("best-selling author of Just Give Up!"), a sad-sack psychiatrist who sends every patient he sees into fits of further despair, Dikkers takes everything that Hallmark holds dear -- love, family, work, friendship, self-esteem, spirituality, pets -- and efficiently uglifies it.

But the advice (presented in boilerplate self-help format with large type, italics and curlicues) comes in several flavors. Some of the dictums are pure elementary-school meanness: "You're fat." "Nobody likes you." Others tend toward the preachy: "Our world is nothing but 95 percent poverty-stricken, bloated-stomached babies and 5 percent money-grubbing pricks. In your lifetime, you've only met people from the latter category." Many more would scorch the glaze off Kathie Lee Gifford: "Mask the pain with drugs." "Let's sit down and actually count the genuine, true friends you have. It's not that many, is it?" "Oh, except Jesus. He's your friend. Why don't you call him and see if he wants to hang out?"

Many of Dr. Pratt's nuggets are sick in the best way -- but you need to start off in a pretty good mood to chew the harsher ones without wincing. If you rush, you'll miss out on the bizarre, the paranoid and the wonderful: "When they try to give you pills, fight them with all your strength." "If your cat were just a little bit bigger, it would kill and eat you." And my favorite: "Are you in love? Sucker."
Salon

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780740789410
  • Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing LLC
  • Publication date: 1/1/2009
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Edition number: 1
  • Sales rank: 916,749
  • File size: 3 MB

Meet the Author

Cartoonist, filmmaker, and founder and former editor-in-chief of The Onion Scott Dikkers has written or co-written several New York Times bestsellers including Our Dumb World and The Onion's Our Dumb Century, which has sold more than a half-million copies and was awarded the Thurber Prize for American Humor. His other books include The Onion's Finest News Reporting, which topped 200,000 in sales, the self-help parody You Are Worthless, and the "unauthorized autobiography" of George W. Bush, Destined for Destiny.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 12 )
Rating Distribution

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(8)

4 Star

(2)

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Sort by: Showing all of 12 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 29, 2013

    Jack

    Here.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 21, 2013

    Humor

    Where has all of the humor in life gone? Life can be so hard, trust me i thought i had it bad a year ago.... wow was i wrong. So it is awesome to have found i still can laugh, a little, after a year of no laughing, litterally. Great book, somtimes laughter and humor cannot heal you, it just gives you a break from the headache. Have fun reading

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 29, 2003

    Laugh At Yourself

    Anyone who doesn't like this book doesn't have a sense of humor. This is great fun and helps anyone who reads it to have a little fun with themsleves.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 13, 2003

    Best Book Ever Written!

    This is the best book I have read in a long time! I have never had so much fun reading a self help book! It is so funny because it is so true! I have my whole school talking about this book. Everyone is running out to get a copy. It is very funny and I cant help but just rave about it!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 19, 2002

    best depressing book ever

    first of all, S.A. is an idiot. the book was ment to be funny, and as far as i'm concerned it was hilarious. i've already read the book and i'm still going to buy it. don't buy the book if you don't have a sence of very healthy humor though. other wise it would get you really depressed.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 3, 2002

    JUST WHAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR...

    IT'S SO TRUE THAT YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH. I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING SO HONEST FROM COVER TO COVER.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 10, 2002

    WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

    How can insults help raise one's sense of self-esteem and self-worth? That makes no sense to me. I was emotionally and psychologically damaged because of some of those insults. If a doctor were to mistreat me that way, as described in the book, I would feel like suing him or her! Whoever likes this book has a sick and twisted sense of humor in my opinion. I'll stick with "real" self-help books that are loving, uplifting and positive. If any reader out there is struggling with self-esteem problems, do yourself a favor. Please DON'T get this book!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 29, 2001

    to all outsiders like me

    you must read this book, it is amazing. it is so pesstimistic, just like i have come to be. i am a 16 year old sophomore in a boring lifeless drone robotic operated town, & this book is my getaway. this book is funny too, it is funny in a way that it is uncomfortable. i hope you get a chance to read it & like it as much as i did.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 17, 2000

    Its the Best

    this book makes you think a lot. and is also funny. the first time i saw it in the store i sat down with it and just read it. i tottaly recoment this book (not if your depressed though)

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 9, 2000

    Hope you are stable

    This book is a really quick ready and in a very pessimistic way very uplifting. You can't help but laugh, even when you don't want to. I recomend this book if you aren't affraid to laugh at someone telling you to go kill yourself because the idea will be mentioned multiple times. Just remember you are worthless.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 28, 1999

    Wonderfully Depressing!!!

    Hahaha! No actually, the whole point of it is that as it hurls insult after insult at you, the sheer absurdity of the insults makes you realize that things aren't really all that bad, that you are a pretty worthwhile person and that life, believe it or not, does NOT suck. It's the opposite of everything the title indicates. It's the ultimate for cheering you up.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 12, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing all of 12 Customer Reviews

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