You Might Be a Redneck If...this Is the Biggest Book You've Ever Read

( 11 )

Overview

You Might Be A Redneck if…

  • You use a fishing license as a form of I.D.
  • Your screen door has no screen.
  • You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
  • You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
  • You ever waved at traffic form your front porch wearing just your underwear.
  • ...
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Overview

You Might Be A Redneck if…

  • You use a fishing license as a form of I.D.
  • Your screen door has no screen.
  • You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
  • You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
  • You ever waved at traffic form your front porch wearing just your underwear.

Containing more than 2,000 entries with more than 200 illustrations, You Might Be A Redneck if…This Is The Biggest Book You've Ever Read will be a must-own book for die-hard fans of Jeff Foxworthy. Creatively packaged and attractively priced, this book also features more than 1,500 entries that have never been published in book form.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781401601935
  • Publisher: Nelson, Thomas, Inc.
  • Publication date: 9/22/2004
  • Pages: 320
  • Sales rank: 282,331
  • Product dimensions: 7.90 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Jeff Foxworthy

Jeff Foxworthy is a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most respected and successful comedians in the country. He is the largest-selling comedy-recording artist in history and is the star and executive producer of the television series Blue Collar TV, which he created for the WB network. His Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVDs have sold more than 5.5 million copies.

David Boyd is a cartoonist, the job reserved for opinionated people who can't write but have a better than average ability to doodle. His daft pen and keen wit leave no sacred cow standing as he comments about Jeff Foxworthy's rednecks and their glorious lack of sophistication.

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Read an Excerpt

You Might Be a Redneck If ... This Is the Biggest Book You've Ever Read


By Jeff Foxworthy

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2007 Jeff Foxworthy
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-40160-193-5


Chapter One

Family fam-u-lee

Families are proof positive that God has a sense of humor. He takes people with nothing in common except a recessive chin (Uncle Ed) or a hairy back (Aunt Jessie) and throws them together for a lifetime. You can pick your friends, but you're stuck with family.

When I first started doing redneck material as part of my stand-up routine, my mother asked, "Where on earth do you come up with that stuff?" Gee, Mom, I don't know, but have you looked around you lately? Our family has more nuts than Planters. This is from a woman who, when asked if she would like a window seat on an airplane, said, "Oh, I better not. I just had my hair done."

But any time you start worrying because your family is on speed dial at the Jerry Springer Show, visit a state fair almost anywhere in this great country. You'll see people who were born, raised, married, and had families without ever leaving their own property-people whose family tree does not fork! People who have reached the bottom of an all-you-can-eat buffet. People who have been turned away from yard sales. In less than five minutes you'll be saying, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"

You Might Be a Redneck If ...

According to your birth certificate, your father's name was X.

* * *

You put ninth grade on hold while you started a family.

* * *

Any of your relatives were buried with a flyswatter.

* * *

You've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

* * *

You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.

* * *

The closest you've come to royalty is eating at Burger King.

Your family tree does not fork.

* * *

Your kids attend your high school graduation.

* * *

Diners change tables when your family sits near them.

* * *

Your mother taught you how to flip a cigarette.

* * *

More than two of your children have been banned for life from a day-care center.

* * *

You start a fight in a bar and your wife finishes it.

* * *

Most of your in-laws are outlaws.

Everyone in your Family is an Elvis Impersonator.

Your baby's first words were "Rack 'em!"

* * *

You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

Anyone in your family has taken a UFO ride lately.

Your brothers convinced you that you were an only child.

* * *

At the country club, you make your mother-in-law get out of the truck at the "Bag Drop" sign.

* * *

You understood everything Jodie Foster said in the movie Nell.

All your kids have the middle name Elvis.

* * *

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.

* * *

The emergency-room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.

Your kids take roadkill to show-and-tell.

All of your four-letter words are two syllables.

* * *

Your grandmother has ever climbed into the ring at a wrestling match.

* * *

You and your wife have the same haircut.

* * *

Beer bellies run in your family.

* * *

You were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.

* * *

Your son is named for your favorite pro wrestler.

Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

* * *

You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

* * *

Your grandmother has ever stopped to relieve herself on the side of the highway.

* * *

Every member of your family has been shot at.

* * *

Your kid's favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence."

* * *

People ask you if you were in the movie Deliverance.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

* * *

All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

When you hear someone talking about "the King," you're not sure if they're talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.

* * *

Your birth was announced in Auto Trader.

* * *

You and your wife's family reunions are one and the same.

* * *

You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"

* * *

The Glamour Shots people give you your money back.

* * *

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

You've got a tattoo that says "Mother" but it's spelled wrong.

Your coat of arms features kudzu.

Your family reunion was held at a skating rink.

* * *

One of your relatives had his CB handle in his obituary.

* * *

Your mother has more chest hair than your father.

* * *

You steal the towels when you stay overnight with relatives.

* * *

The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing debut.

* * *

Your daddy's headstone includes the words "worthless" and "varmint."

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

The orthodontist retired when he finished with your family.

* * *

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

* * *

There are big rigs named after your sister.

* * *

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

* * *

You can see your bottom lip without a mirror.

* * *

You think "going back to your roots" means growing out the peroxide.

Three generations of your family have been represented in the same wet T-shirt contest.

* * *

You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.

* * *

You bum a dip from your mother.

* * *

Your grandpappy's hearing aid is a construction cone.

* * *

You don't recognize several relatives when they are sober.

* * *

A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pulling weeds.

You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth, and he takes them out to see.

Your family stays cool by sitting on the porch naked.

* * *

When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."

You know your daddy's CB handle but not his real name.

* * *

Your uncle Bob died from peeing on an electric fence.

* * *

Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.

* * *

The Jerry Springer Show asks you back.

* * *

You and your father attend the same class reunion.

* * *

They call you a "soccer mom" because the entire team is your kids.

Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

There's no record of your birth-anywhere.

* * *

Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.

Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos.

You invite all your relatives over to see your new ceiling fan. * * *

You're related to the stripper at your bachelor party.

* * *

You think "neighborhood watch" is what your mother-in-law does on the porch all day.

* * *

The only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.

* * *

You've ever learned something about your mama from a restroom wall.

* * *

Your grandmother is pregnant.

Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

You wrap up your older children's outgrown underwear to give to your younger child for his birthday.

* * *

You think four-on-the-floor is a sleeping arrangement.

Your kids' school bags have Dale Earnhardt stickers on them.

* * *

The farthest anyone traveled to your family reunion was two miles.

* * *

Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.

* * *

There's no cut-off age for sleeping with your parents.

* * *

Your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.

* * *

Your wife puts candles on a pan of corn bread for your birthday.

Your uncle is better known as "the Goat Man."

* * *

You went to grade school with your mother-in-law.

* * *

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

* * *

Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

* * *

You have to walk through a metal detector to go to your family reunion.

* * *

Your 14-year-old smokes in front of her kids.

Any of your sisters work in construction.

You list Dr Pepper as your family physician.

* * *

You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.

* * *

All your cousins are kissing cousins.

* * *

Your kids' trick-or-treating covered three counties.

* * *

You got your nose broken at your sister's wedding.

* * *

Your high school class voted you "Best Mother."

Your grandmother knows how to correctly execute the "sleeper hold."

Any of your children were conceived on a tire swing.

* * *

You'll answer to more than one nickname.

You're constantly having to erase your sister's name from bathroom walls.

* * *

You have a cousin who no one in the family ever talks about.

* * *

Your mother owns a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt.

* * *

Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

* * *

You wear a giant foam finger at your child's graduation.

* * *

Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

(Continues...)



Excerpted from You Might Be a Redneck If ... This Is the Biggest Book You've Ever Read by Jeff Foxworthy Copyright © 2007 by Jeff Foxworthy. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction....................v
Family....................1
Love & Marriage....................31
Wheels....................55
Home....................99
9 to 5....................141
Partyin'....................155
Health & Hygiene....................181
Fashion....................223
The Law....................245
The Great Outdoors....................269
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 11 )
Rating Distribution

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(7)

4 Star

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2 Star

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Sort by: Showing all of 5 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 25, 2012

    hysterical

    this book is so funny! I love Jeff and now I have more info about rednecks.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 6, 2010

    great guy gift

    We got this as a Christmas gift for my brother-in-law. He loved it! Someone was reading it outloud all day long. Great guy gift

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 19, 2009

    You might be a Redneck If

    Very funny book.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 9, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 10, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

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