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From the most-read humor site on the internet, Cracked.com
YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE
You're going to wish you never picked up this book.
Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in:
• A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain.
• The FDA wouldn't let you eat bugs, right? Actually, you might want to put down those jelly beans. And that apple. And that strawberry yogurt.
• Think dolphins are our friends? Then these sex-crazed thrill killers of the sea have you right where they want you.
• The most important discovery in the history of genetics? Francis Crick came up with it while on LSD.
• Think you're going to choose whether or not to buy this book? Scientists say your brain secretly makes all your decisions 10 seconds before you even know what they are.
If you’re a fan of The Oatmeal or Frak.com and hate being wrong about stuff, you’ll love what you find in YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE from the twisted minds at Cracked.
"Smart, funny, and cool."
-Roger Ebert
"The funniest, wisest, greatest book ever written! I keep reading and rereading it here in my padded cell!"
-Stan Lee
Five Stories about Jesus’s Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible (to Avoid an NC-17 Rating)
The Gospels that made it into the Bible pretty much skip from the birth of Jesus Christ to his adulthood, but there are other documents that chronicle the adventures of Jesus Christ: Boy Wonder. They’re part of something called the New Testament Apocrypha, a series of books deemed unfit for inclusion due to concerns over the message they’d send or, in some cases, the number of faces they’d melt with their sheer awesomeness. Most of the stories are pretty normal fare—healing lepers and raising the dead—but some are so insane that we learn that the answer to, What would Jesus do? is whatever the hell he wants.
5. Jesus Christ: Dragonmaster
The New Testament didn’t just descend from the skies onto newsstands the morning after Jesus ascended to heaven. The twenty-seven books in modern Christian Bibles weren’t declared official until over three hundred years after Jesus walked the earth. By that time, thousands of sayings and stories about Jesus’s life had to be left on the cutting-room floor. Such was the case of the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew. The name comes from the fact that it’s basically an extended director’s cut of the Gospel of Matthew that made the Bible, covering most of the same territory save for one regrettably deleted scene.
Two years after Jesus was born, King Herod got word of a child being called the “king of the Jews” and ordered that all two-year- old male children in Bethlehem be killed to protect his throne (making Herod the first, and last, member of the controversial “kill all babies” political platform). But God managed to warn Joseph in time, and the family fled before Herod’s men arrived. You probably knew all that. What you may not have known is that on their way to Egypt, Jesus and his family stopped to rest in a cave, which, to their surprise, was populated by a herd of dragons (what do you call a group of dragons? A flock? A pride? A concert?) Actual scaly, fire- breathing, winged lizard-dragons.
And, lo, suddenly there came forth from the cave many dragons; and when the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. Then Jesus went down from the bosom of His mother, and stood on His feet before the dragons; and they adored Jesus, and thereafter retired.
—The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, chapter 18
That’s right: The Bible could have included a passage detailing how Jesus Christ totally gave the cold shoulder to a dragon army. At first glance, this seems like a pretty baffling omission. Jesus Christ, dragon tamer, would have been pretty effective when converting metal heads and fourteen-year- old boys.
It makes a lot more sense if you believe that God was handling editorial duties. Jesus totally could have used his dragon-taming powers to sick an invincible hell-beast armada on Herod’s ass. That’s what the God from the Old Testament would have done. If our son squandered powers that awesome, and we were editing his biography, we’d probably skip that part too.
4. Jesus Takes Pools of Water Very Seriously
Written in the early second century, around the same time most scholars date the four Gospels in the Bible, the Infancy Gospel of Thomas picks up the story a few years after the dragon taming. Back in Nazareth now, five-year- old Jesus was playing beside a small brook with some other children, forming pools of water to make clay (because fun had yet to be invented). Jesus formed some sparrows out of the clay and, since he was not the figurine-collecting type, decided to give the sculptures life, and off they flew on his command. One of the children playing with Jesus saw this and, rather than thinking, “Holy shit! That kid can create life with a word, I should probably not walk up behind him and start splashing his pools with a stick,” instead walked up behind him and started splashing his pools with a stick. And Christ just goes apeshit:
“O evil, ungodly, and foolish one, what hurt did the pools and the waters do thee? Behold, now also thou shalt be withered like a tree, and shalt not bear leaves, neither root, nor fruit.” And straightway that lad withered up wholly.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 3, verses 2–3
And, like the Nazi archaeologist in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the boy started aging rapidly and withered away. Sure, it would’ve been easier just to kill the kid, but this is Jesus Christ we’re talking about here. He’s not just gonna up and waste some kid.
3. Jesus Christ Up and Wastes Some Kid
In Thomas’s version of events, later that same day, as he was casually strolling around town, running divine errands, another boy accidentally bumped into Jesus on the street. So what would Jesus do? He’d probably use his divine presence to heal the boy of being friggin’ clumsy, right? Let’s see:
Jesus was provoked and said unto him “Thou shalt not finish thy course.” And immediately he fell down and died.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 4, verse 1
We . . . He probably . . . No. Wait. He just murdered a kid for brushing against him? Was Jesus a Crip? Far be it from us to question the judgment of the Son of God, but being sentenced to death for scuffing Christ’s sandals seems excessive. Maybe if the kid had been walking exceedingly slow right in the center of the sidewalk so he couldn’t get past him and was just obliviously yakking away on his cell phone while, like, eight people stuck behind him were trying to get some where and seriously if you would just move four inches to one side we could get past and GODDAMN IT DON’T STOP SO THAT WE ALMOST RUN INTO YOU. OH, AND JUST TO STARE SLACK-JAWED AT A TABLOID ON THE NEWSPAPER KIOSK, YOU SON OF A BITCH—maybe that’s a walking crime worthy of divine capital punishment. But wasting a kid because he touches your arm? Jesus was like a bully in an eighties high school movie, if they had been able to murder people with words.
2. Jesus Christ: Snake Exploder
By now Jesus is dominating Nazareth like Lord Humungus dominates The Road Warrior’s wasteland. The local children feared him so intensely, they adopted him as their king and acted as his bodyguards—forcing everyone who passed through town to come and worship him. One day a group of men came by carrying a small child, and they refused to follow a group of terrified children just for the honor of worshipping their bully king. Jesus catches wind of this and asks exactly what it is they’re doing that’s so important they can’t reserve some time for random child worship. They explain that the boy they’re carrying was bitten by a snake and is near death, and would he mind it terribly if he took his boot off of their necks because they’re so, so sorry? Jesus Christ (more sci-fi warlord than beacon of forgiveness in this version of the Bible), says simply, “Let us go and kill that serpent,” and storms off into the woods to do what he does best: extravagant murder.
Then the Lord Jesus calling the serpent, it presently came forth and submitted to him; to whom he said, “Go and suck out all the poison which thou hast infused into that boy”; so the serpent crept to the boy, and took away all its poison again. Then the Lord Jesus cursed the serpent so that it immediately burst asunder, and died.
—First Gospel of Infancy, chapter 18, verses 13–16
Even after he acquiesces to Jesus’s demands, the snake is still blown to crap by the power of God for doing what’s in its nature? Holy shit!
1. And Then Jesus Said unto Them: Snitches Get Stitches
By now the parents of Nazareth were understandably upset: Jesus was walking around town ruining little kids like a bad divorce. So they gave Joseph an ultimatum: Either Jesus learns to use his powers for good, or the family has to leave town. Considering that, by this point, Jesus has killed more kids than a Willy Wonka tour group, that sounded pretty reasonable. But Christ ain’t tolerating no narcs up in yore:
Jesus said, “I know that these thy words are not thine: nevertheless for thy sake I will hold my peace: but they shall bear their punishment.” And straightway they that accused him were smitten with blindness.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 5, verse 1
And that was the last straw: Joseph finally decided to discipline his son. But what do you do in response to a list of crimes more befitting a Grand Theft Auto sequel than a holy child? Grounding? Caning? Imprisonment?
None of the above.
Joseph “grabbed [Jesus’s] ear” and “wrung it til it was sore.” You may laugh, but in the end Jesus does end up uncursing everybody; just not out of some well-deserved sense of remorse or the slightest hint of empathy or anything. Eventually, a local teacher starts frantically screaming to everybody that Jesus Christ is probably God, after a Good Will Hunting–style display of intelligence at his Nazareth grade school (funny, you’d think the boy’s ability to kill with words would have clued everyone in sooner).
So now that the secret’s out (the kid laying siege to entire countries with his superpowers is—surprise— extraordinary), Jesus figures he may as well reverse all the death and destruction because, hey, once you get your propers, there’s just no reason to blast them bitches no more.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be that Jesus Christ wasn’t born the Gandhi-like paragon of peace you know him as—he’s more like a reformed con: sick of the game because he lived it too hard, for too long.
If there are two things that you take away from this, let the second be that the power of Christ is terrifying. Sure, miracles like bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that’s just because the Church decided that the part where Jesus became the snake-melting dragonmaster was a little too terrifying for your delicate sensibilities. You straight up can’t handle that much Jesus.
Acknowledgments xiii
Introduction xv
The Five Most Horrifying Bugs in the World 1
Three Colors you Don't Realize are Controlling Your Mind 7
The Four Most Badass Presidents of All Time 13
Five Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation 21
Six Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Childbirth 28
Five Fun Things That Will Kill You 34
Five Movies Based on True Stories (That are Complete Bullshit) 41
Oh the Places You'll Go (When You're Dead): Six Insane Things Science Might Do With Your Cadaver 49
The Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught in History Class 54
The Six Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You 62
Five Stories About Jesus's Childhood They Had to Cut From the Bible (To Avoid an NC-17 Rating) 71
The Six Most Terrifying Foods in the World 79
Five Wacky Misunderstandings that Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust 86
The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History 94
Five Famous Inventors Who Stole Their Big Idea 102
The Five Most Frequently Quoted Bullshit Statistics 109
The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon 116
The Four Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High 123
Four Mythological Beasts that Actually Exist 131
Five Ways Your Brain is Messing With Your Head 138
Five Fight Moves that Only Work in Movies 146
Five Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences) 151
Five Awesome Things you Didn't Know Could Make you Sick 157
Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy that Can Kill You 162
The Gruesome Origins of Five Popular Fairy Tales 169
Five Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today 176
Five Stories the Media Doesn't Want You to Know About 183
Four Brainwashing Techniques They're Using on You Right Now 191
Five Hollywood Adaptations that Totally Missed the Point 197
The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History 205
Four Great Women Buried by Their Boobs 213
The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List 220
Five Classic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods 228
Five Conspiracies that Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government 236
Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying (And Likely) Than the Ones in Disaster Movies 243
Five Psychological Experiments that Prove Humanity is Doomed 249
The Five Creepiest Urban Legends that Happen to be True 258
Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let Into the White House 265
Third Reich to Fortune 500: Five Popular Brands the Nazis Gave Us 272
Five Scientific Reasons Why a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen 280
Credits 289
Anonymous
Posted January 6, 2011
You Might Be a Zombie is a funny, interesting read. It's an interesting book you'll pick up multiple times. The exclusive articles are worth it, too. A must-buy if you're a fan of Cracked. If not, buy it anyway, because it's hilarious.
5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Abaddonalpha
Posted January 1, 2011
This book is teeming with hilarious, yet true facts you didn't know about the events and people you've heard about all your life. If you read this around other people, be prepared to be stared at for laughing out loud.
I highly recommend this book for anyone with a sense of humor and/or a coffee table. Your dinner guests can enjoy Cracked humor while you're busy burning their supper.
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
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Posted June 18, 2011
Interesting and funny from beginning to end.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted June 16, 2011
Laugh out loud funny, and oddly informative.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted April 28, 2011
If you have liked any cracked article in the last five years I am positive that you will love this book.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.I laughed my way all the way through this book! I love all things Cracked, and I hope to see more like this from them in the future. I'll for sure recommend this book to friends, and I'll even lend it out to those I trust. Can't wait to read it again!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 20, 2011
I really enjoyed this book, and do recommend it not only for the knowledge, but the laughs. I think that the term "god-damned" is over-used and was not really necessary, but was funny as hell in one context. I'm not offended by the term, but others may be and I felt they should be advised. There were no other instances of cursing that I remember off-hand. The publisher may want to consider cleaning it up a bit to make it more palatable, but for me - a great read, and recommended if you can handle it.
1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Gusat_Carmichael
Posted January 12, 2011
This book is awesome, it contains facts that are so important but few people seem to know them. I really recommend everyone buying it, at least to have something to think about, but trust me, you won't be able to put this book down once you start reading it.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted May 13, 2013
The articles are interesting, random and funny. They are also free on the website...but unless you carry a computer everywhere you go, the book is definitely worth the money.
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Posted February 3, 2013
I love it sooo much buy it
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Posted October 5, 2012
It makes me laugh over and over in my padded cell
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Nekko_fox
Posted September 28, 2012
An amusing romp through the hysterical literary genius that is the Cracked writing staff and the horror of reality packed into one book. Quite enjoyable, I'd suggest getting this any day of the week.
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Posted July 2, 2012
Yes, many of these article are on the website for free... but i found it highly entertaining and dont regret spending the money
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Posted March 8, 2012
I bought this book thinking i would see something new...instead its a bunch of articles you can read on theyre website for free...dont waste your money
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Posted March 7, 2012
Absolutely hilarious book! I loved it :)
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Posted November 1, 2011
All the goodness you'd expect from the crack team at Cracked. Full of articles about what's in your food that your really didn't wish to know about as well an interesting article about the many near misses we had on a nuclear holocaust. The laughs and the wonder that you get from this book make it well worth your time. You have to love the foreword they have in their book. The only difference between real life and fiction is that real life is stranger. And they've got the documentation to prove it.
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Posted September 16, 2011
Not much in this book is new... don't waste your money
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted September 14, 2011
Interesting stuff, but the manner of delivery makes me doubt the truthfulness of the facts.
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Posted September 9, 2011
Very interesting
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.tidbits of knowledge to enlighten you, informative and amusing, enjoyed reading
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Overview
From the most-read humor site on the internet, Cracked.com
YOU MIGHT BE A ZOMBIE
You're going to wish you never picked up this book.
Some facts are too terrifying to teach in school. Unfortunately, Cracked.com is more than happy to fill you in:
• A zombie apocalypse? It could happen. 50% of humans are infected with a parasite that can take over your brain.
• The FDA ...