You Were Wrong

You Were Wrong

3.0 4
by Matthew Sharpe

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It is 2008 in the suburban town of Seacrest, Long Island. Twenty-six-year-old high school math teacher Karl Floor has no parents, no friends, few prospects, is a dim bulb, and lives at home with Larchmont Jones, the aggressively loquacious widower of Karl's mother. One fine afternoon, Karl returns to his house after work to discover a beautiful stranger in the

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It is 2008 in the suburban town of Seacrest, Long Island. Twenty-six-year-old high school math teacher Karl Floor has no parents, no friends, few prospects, is a dim bulb, and lives at home with Larchmont Jones, the aggressively loquacious widower of Karl's mother. One fine afternoon, Karl returns to his house after work to discover a beautiful stranger in the upstairs hallway. She is Sylvia Vetch, and claims to be robbing him. She also asks for his protection, but won't quite say from what or whom, and draws him into troubles she won't elucidate.

No Sherlock Holmes, Karl still slowly begins to see and engage the complex forces that have been shaping his life: his parentage and inheritance, morality and law, the racial and economic geography of present-day New York City and the world at large.

Darkly funny and original, You Were Wrong is a surreal detective story told with heart, wit, and a singular voice.

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Karl Floor is having a lousy day. Coming home from work, the 26-year-old math teacher gets jumped by two of his students, and then he finds a young woman lurking in the upstairs hallway of his home. She's a burglar, but rather than call the cops or wrestle her to the ground, Karl takes a nap. And that's just the first chapter. Karl lives on Long Island, in a suburb called Seacrest. His mother died five years earlier, and he and his brash stepfather, Larchmont Jones, share the home. The pair don't get along, hardly see each other, and are differently affected by the lasting grief over Karl's mother's death. Besides Karl's job, he has few connections with anyone. Larchmont Jones is a businessman, making big deals in Asia and espousing the virtues of high capitalism, but in the end he's as lost as Karl. Which is where our young burglar comes in. Her name is Sylvia Vetch. During the burglary, Karl falls in love with her hard, and it's no wonder: she's formidable in many ways. Larchmont, too, turns out to have a connection with Sylvia. She becomes the catalyst for the novel, both plot and theme, and reveals how Karl and Larchmont are men who simply can't operate unless a woman is around to help them. When Sylvia arrives, Karl senses that she is his life raft and he clings to her. But Sharpe's insightful novel isn't content to simply depict how Karl and Larchmont are "saved" by Sylvia. He's just as concerned with the toll such saving takes. In other words, what price do women pay for loving men? Sharpe has written a painfully funny book. In Karl, Larchmont, and a pair of other male characters, Sharpe depicts various types of men and gleefully dissects their failings: Karl, sweet but passively cruel; and Larchmont, the ambitious egotist. The great question of this book is simple: why are men so awful? Again and again Sharpe refuses to defend the neediness and self-indulgence and self-regard that so many men treat like a birthright. It's not pretty, but it sure seems accurate. In this respect, You Were Wrong is even riskier than Sharpe's previous novel, Jamestown. There, the sides were clear and the jokes easier to parse. Here, Sharpe refuses to let the reader catch him winking. It's a bold move, one that pays off in many places. The novel is about the failures of men, and it's dedicated to the year 2008, a time when the rot at the root of another male-dominated institution, our economy, was finally revealed. Sharpe's novel works like those warning signs we now wished we'd noted, telling us that something essential is broken. Reviewed By Victor Lavalle. Victor LaValle's most recent novel is Big Machine.
Part warped fairy tale, part nerd noir, part hallucinogenic misfit fiction, part sly social critique, Sharpe's wicked story of class and race, love and hate, is venomously funny and whiplash smart.
New York Times Book Review
A pleasing odd and intelligent novel…What's most winning about YOU WERE WRONG is its acumen and the brio with which [Sharpe's] sentence-making bears it out. The book is rich with devastatingly comic observations about people, places, and things. YOU WERE WRONG might not save your life, but never mind; Matthew Sharpe is saving prose from the banal, one word at a time.
Mary Gaitskill
This book is strange, original, and devastatingly clever.
Pulitzer Prize Finalist for Love in Infant Monkeys Lydia Millet
A sharply funny, almost old-fashioned social farce with the structure of a P.G. Wodehouse comedy of errors and the bitter wit of a John Kennedy Toole — this is a sweet, oddly romantic satire for the recovering cynics among us.
founder and director of Mobile Libris Sharon Preiss
I think what I like most about You Were Wrong is the incredible sentences Matthew Sharpe creates. Like the story, they weave and dip and avoid and confront and contain all the horrible beauty that life is. Following the roll and tumble of words, you're never quite sure where you'll end up, but don't worry—the chaos is well controlled. You're never once out of Sharpe's capable hands.
Library Journal
High school math teacher Karl Floor is so lonely and miserable that he is more bemused than outraged when he comes home to find a young woman robbing the house he lives in with his stepfather. In fact, he is so taken in by the robber, Sylvia Vetch, that he drives her and the stolen goods to the beachside house she shares with friends. Karl doesn't know it, but he and Sylvia share a connection, and like it or not, he no longer hides away in his bedroom after they meet. Karl is a unique main character, at once frozen by depression yet strangely driven, keenly observant and intelligent, cynical and socially awkward but craving human connection. Sharpe's (Jamestown) writing style can feel blunt or even terse at times, but then there are lovely, often melancholy moments worthy of a second read. VERDICT Fans of Sharpe's previous work as well as contemporary fiction authors such as Dave Eggers or David Foster Wallace should seek out this darkly comic novel.—Shaunna Hunter, Hampden-Sydney Coll. Lib., VA
Kirkus Reviews

An introvert confronts the odd behavior of various family members to preserve his home and sense of self.

Sharpe's previous novel,Jamestown(2007),was a broad, raucous tale that satirized the mythology surrounding America's first settlers. This slim follow-up, by contrast, couldn't be more interior and domestic, though his arch humor and out-of-left-field plot turns remain intact. The hero, Karl Floor, is a milquetoast high-school math teacher from Long Island who, we learn in the first chapter, is so socially inept that two of his students feel free to beat him up after class. At home he discovers Sylvia Vetch, an attractive young woman who's arrived to rob the place. Despite her criminality, Karl is so drawn to her that he lets her take him to a party where he suffers the taunts of her alpha-male friends. Making his escape, he returns home to fight with his stepfather, Larchmont, culminating in Karl's smashing his head with a pool cue. Larchmont absorbs his near-death experience with surprisingly good humor, after which Sylvia returns to announce that she's actually Larchmont's daughter and Karl's half-sister, and—actually, plot summary only goes so far in characterizing Sharpe's earnest but willfully absurd and deeply frustrating novel. Karl is a kind of existentialist archetype, batted around by all manner of social forces—race, class, family, romantic relationships—but his acting out with a pool cue makes him an unsympathetic hero in the face of those challenges. Because Sharpe is disinterested in penetrating Karl's psyche (or anybody else's) very deeply, the novel is mainly defined by how it jumps from ridiculous plot point to plot point—the various threads, involving blackmail, the ownership of the Floor family home and Karl's capacity to love, all eventually resolve, but not particularly satisfyingly. In Jamestown, the arrogance and violence of colonialism was fair game for Sharpe's attitude; affecting the same tone here means he's cracking wise about broken homes and immature loners, which feels like small-game hunting. The abstracted plotting only further distances the reader.

Biting prose in need of a worthier target.

Fiona Maazel
Here's a formula I just learned: math teacher (hapless, feckless) plus stepdad (bloviating jackass) plus interloping cabal of unsavory characters equals a pleasingly odd and intelligent novel in the hands of Matthew Sharpe. Or maybe I should say in the prose of Matthew Sharpe. What's most winning about You Were Wrong,…is its acumen and the brio with which his sentence-making bears it out. This book is rich with devastatingly comic observations about people, places and things—observations that fortify a novel whose subject and, well, whose stake in the horror and pathos of being alive seem flimsy in comparison.
—The New York Times

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Product Details

Bloomsbury USA
Publication date:
Product dimensions:
8.50(w) x 11.06(h) x 0.52(d)

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A Novel
By Matthew Sharpe


Copyright © 2010 Matthew Sharpe
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-60819-187-1

Chapter One

AT TWENTY-SIX, Karl Floor had had a hard life: father dead, mother dead, stepdad sick and mean, siblings none, friends none, foes so offhanded in their molestations that they did not make a crisp enough focal point for his energies. Not that he had many energies—he had few. He wasn't born wan and slow, but misfortune made him so, and so he felt he would remain till death. Death: it cast a faraway light of exaltation over the future, as the prospect of a shining city on a hill gives comfort to pilgrims enduring a rough sea voyage, but he could not, as the pilgrims could not, get there any faster. He simply had to withstand storms and lulls, eat spoiled food, fall ill for months, never fully recover, and put up a sail at the first sign of wind. The strange woman in the upstairs hallway of his stepfather's house did not seem to him such a sign. He felt she was twenty-four. She wore jeans and a rose-colored T-shirt over her thin, strong body. She did not have on a mask, nor was she carrying any of his family's possessions, so Karl may be forgiven for not immediately identifying her as a burglar. A maid, he thought, an amateur from the university who'd tacked up posters around town with little half-cut tabs at the bottom that had her phone number on them that you could tear off and put in your pocket and call her later about daubing the inside of your house with her unwashed rag.

"Hi," she said.

Dust descended across the close air of the hallway on a mid-afternoon sunbeam that entered the house through a bedroom window to the right. The rose-colored T-shirt was lit by the beam, and now the words fitness instructor formed in his head.

"Are you—"

The likelihood of this afternoon's turning out to be other than grim was nil. His walk home from the high school where he taught math had been halted by the two worst boys from trig—a class of twenty pleasant sophomores and these two, seniors with no feel for trig or any subject that was not the idiot interruption of reasonable endeavor, or, to put it another way, they were assholes—blond assholes, he felt compelled to add. Karl himself was almost blond, and was willing to concede there were many blond people who were not assholes, and many brunettes and redheads who were, but a small, unkind segment of the blond population, he felt, acted out their unkindness as if wearing a blond wig, or as if they felt their blondness made them suitable for a role in which a brown-haired actor, no matter how brilliant the audition, would never have been cast. Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway in The Thomas Crown Affair, McQueen laughing woodenly and kicking the air in the mod parlor of his mansion after pulling off a two-million-dollar bank heist, and Dunaway in her wide-brimmed hat crying out unconvincingly to the brown-haired chief of police, "Yes, I'm immoral, but so is the world!" That was who stopped Karl on his way home from school, a pair of high-society sophisticates with their own elite moral code, only both male, both teen, both crude, both dumb, both smelling like a week-old milk spill.

"Nice weather, Mr. Floor," one of them said, and the terrible thing was, it was nice weather, and the punching began.

A grown man, a teacher, beaten by two teens was grim. The central mathematical fact of the beating—two assailants—upset him most of all; five would've made it less personal; one would've given the dignity of a duel, or the randomness of an encounter with a lone psychopath; two made it intimate, a love triangle in which Karl was the odd man out.

"Are you—" he said to the burglar, forty minutes after the beating.

"Robbing you? Yes." "Robbing me?" "This is your house, isn't it?" "Well, I live here." "But it's not yours?" "No." "So you don't own anything here?" "I didn't say that."

"Whose is it?"

"My stepfather's."

"Where's he?"

"At work." "What's he do?" "Manufacturing."

"Of?" "Something vulgar."

"Toilet fixtures?" "Not vulgar in that way, just not exalted." "So everything in the world is either vulgar or exalted, with a line down the middle?"

"You're rude."

"I'm a robber."

They stood and assessed each other, the young man whose cuts congealed while his bruises bloomed, and the young woman who seemed to him in possession of a relaxedness that, had he been able to bring even his limited knowledge of human souls to bear on it, he'd have recognized as his own fantasy. They stood loosely sandwiched by the hallway's dark walls, the soft, low, beige carpet pushing up against their shoes. He saw that she was taking in his wounds while he was taking in her mouth, which, given the lips, took a long time: the softer the texture of the lip, and the fuller the saturation of the color red, the more seconds per square centimeter were required for accurate looking; they almost seemed Photoshopped in from a different face, possibly a somewhat larger one. He watched the little movements of this white and lovely face and felt—as he had often felt—that somewhere was written down all the combinations the forty-three face muscles could arrange themselves in, and the corresponding meaning of each, such that in any ten or fifteen seconds, a sentence could be read in someone's face by the person in command of the lexicon of physiognomy, and, in a minute, a paragraph, but Karl was not that person.

"What are you going to rob me of?"

"Still casing the joint," she said almost before he'd finished the question, but before that something had moved in her face that he'd have construed as dread had he been confident of his ability to construe. And maybe it wasn't a movement of her face but a feature of it, an asymmetry, a permanent imperfection that denoted weakness and caused him to see more and better in her than the fit and perfect-faced ass he'd initially written her off as, and to see, further, that he'd written her off as that partly because of his own present facial difficulties, i.e., typical him, he expected everyone today who impeded his progress from point A to point B to hurt him, morally if not also physically. Never mind that point B was his bed of unwashed sheets, and that little good had ever come of arriving there, since as nice as rest in that bed sometimes felt, at the end of it there was only ever unrest. And could a robber do other than improve the misery of this house he was bound to by a promise to a woman now dead?

"Excuse me," he said, and tried to walk past her down the hall. She didn't stop him but she didn't move. He was desperately afraid she would touch his face, or that he would touch hers. As he eased along the wall, his back shoved a small object to the ground. It lay in the carpet, a museum-quality mint-condition prototype of the widget his mother's sick and mean second husband oversaw the manufacture of, vacuum-sealed in lucite. They stared down at it. He felt what blood remained in his head pool against the inner lining of his face, and had the sensation that they were hanging on the wall while the widget, standing on the floor, observed them. Himself; his wounds; her; her T-shirt and strong arms; the suburban house with two floors, a basement, and an attic; a row of such houses, each with its half-acre of lawn, its tree, its beachhead of sidewalk; a whole town of these; many towns of these together and the big city whose gravity field fixed each in its orbit: all were prefigured and held in balance by the widget in the lucite void.

"Good night," Karl said, went to his room, lay down on grayish sheets, and slept.

"Hendrix at Monterey and Gustav Klimt's The Kiss?" she asked, looking at the posters on his walls. "How unimaginative. Wow, it smells like BO in here."

"How long was I asleep?"

"Ten seconds."

The brown window shades were drawn. The faux wood panels were papered with the Klimt and Hendrix posters and a dozen others—genius rock bands and masterpieces of modern art that lost their luster through repetition in the bedrooms of a million young men on several continents.

"I feel sick," he said, as if this remark mattered.

She opened the shades. Light wedged into his eyes and pores. She sat on the edge of his bed and sighed. "Harrumph," he thought he heard her say. Her elbows rested on her knees and her two palms shared the weight of her chin; completing the circle, the elegant but somehow sad rounding of her back. "Yes, this problem is wearying and hard, let's consider it together," her posture seemed to say. No buttock but his own had touched his mattress lo these many years. Onto the very edge of his pillow he brought up a small taupe pool of half-digested food.

"Want some chamomile tea? It settles the stomach."

"Or you could get out of my room!" he said with more force than he'd said a thing in months.

From his vantage on the edge of the pillow farthest from the part of it he'd soiled, he saw the hair behind her left ear tautly pulled back by a redoubled scrunchie. The modest triangle of smooth skin between the back of her ear and the front of her pulled-back hair seemed especially vulnerable to his harsh opinion, and now he felt apologetic to this person whose posture on the edge of his bed looked like a lonely little question mark.

"You're right, of course," she sadly said, and stood up, and pulled the window shades back down, and left his room, the renewed darkness of which felt like the result of her having left it.

She walked back in with a damp washcloth so soft it had to have come from his stepfather's bathroom, not his own, and she moved toward him, washcloth held out like a weapon.

"Don't touch me with that thing."

"I'll hand it to you."

"Before you go rob my house?"

"Before I go rob your house." The cloth was not just soft but warm: she'd taken the time to let the water from the spigot of his father's bathroom sink warm up before she'd held the cloth under it. Her game was very deep. She was gone again. He lay supine, the cloth in his left hand now wetting his left thigh. He disliked his thigh and his fate and this rich cloth that had been made a touch of cruelty by the girl who now banged around downstairs, maybe in the kitchen—the silverware, the microwave, the cuisinart—and would soon be but a memory.

He stared through the ceiling and into the attic above it, where the traces of those few bright moments of his boyhood—essays, paintings, a lumpy clay rabbit—lay entombed in dusty cardboard. She returned again, blowing on the steamy tea in the ancient mug, the old familiar green mug in hands so new and strange his mind could not quite make them hands—a hangnail, he saw, and redness, and faint chapped cracks.

"I think it's just this room that nauseated you," she said. "There's no air in here, there's, you know, moldy sock smell. Come to the living room."

"You're inviting me to my living room?"


His strategy with this mysterious woman would be to go with her to the living room and slowly drink the tea she made him and tell her anything she wanted to know.

"Isn't this nicer?" she said, on a stuffed chair.

"What's your name?"

"Sylvia Vetch."

The front door of the house stood open, as did the kitchen door in the back. A fresh spring breeze came through. This room did seem unusually nice to him, throbbing head and nausea to one side. Evidently one's house had to be violated to be nice, doors flung back, the difference between outside and inside reduced, strangers and breezes coming in; nicer still, perhaps, if the windows were smashed. He looked at her with his right eye while he allowed the left side of his face to roll along the soft, creased, tan leather couch's back, gazing with his left eye down into the crevice below, the dark unknown region where dwelt pocket change, office supplies, remote controls of old, whole sandwiches of crumbs, decades of dust.

"I guess I'll start robbing you now."

"Do you want to know my name?"

"No." "It's Karl Floor." "You're giddy." "I got beat up." "I see." "How do you know? Maybe I was in a car accident." "Were you?" "No. What will happen if I try to stop you from robbing me?" "I'll beat you up." He lightly vomited again, into the crevice. An umber waterfall inundated the land beneath the couch's cushion that time forgot but vomit remembered.

He had been holding the tea and now put it down on the glass top of the coffee table. Sylvia Vetch sat still and watched him from her chair with eyes of an almost hostile shade of blue, her strong and elegant arms resting on the chair's arms, her hands clutching them, tapping them, their movements betraying an agitation whose cause Karl knew was relevant to him but was too sad and dumb to figure out.

"Why are you just sitting there?" he said.

Again a wave of something like distress passed through her. "I don't know."

"Figuring out what you're going to take?" "Yes." "Want help?"

"Taking things?"

"Deciding." "Okay." "Well, people who are acting in a play always say, 'What's my character's motivation?'"

"But I'm not acting."

"What are you, stupid?"

"No!" Her face turned red; she stood up, walked toward the door, walked back with hands out as if to strangle Karl, sat down, and looked at him in supplication. This business of eyes, their meanings, their requests, their acts of aggression, their penetrations of the skin, the flesh—astonishing.

"Then why are you burglarizing my house in the middle of the day, with me in it?"

"What's your point?"

"My point is, what's your motivation for being here?"

"I don't have to tell you." She leaned forward and down in her chair as if she, too, would now be sick.

"I'm asking so I can help you figure out what to take, remember?"

"Oh. Well then. My—uh—motivation is to—God, this is so stupid, who told you people know their own motivations? Not all life is math, you know, where each question has its answer."

"Why did you say that?" "What?" "That life isn't math." "Because you're a math teacher." "I didn't tell you I'm a math teacher." Her white face went red and she stood up. "I've got to go." "Sit down!" He did not remember ever speaking to someone like this, even a student, and he felt his words go into her the way her look had gone into him more than once this afternoon.

She did not sit down, and he was no longer sitting up. He lay sideways toward the front of the couch, looking up at her as she looked down at him across the low, rectangular, glass-top table with its vintage beer-ad coasters, its stack of books of antique art. He watched the workings of her lungs move her rose T-shirt up and down. Her knees were bent, her arms were bent and tensed, a karate sort of stance she seemed to have leapt into from a sleep interrupted by a stranger's touch.

"I want a buffer between me and, you know, nothing," she said. "What are you talking about?" "Why I'm robbing you." "Oh, well, God, I want no buffer between me and nothing." "Only someone raised in Seacrest could say that. Have you ever wandered over the line into Centraldale, where I'm from? Not everyone lives in a beautiful two-story house with a big front lawn. Have your parents ever been unemployed?"

"They've been dead."

"You just roll along through the hours, don't you, living in this house for free, storing up your teacher's pension against your last day, as if you could kill time without doing harm to your own life."

"You don't know anything about me!" Karl said, though everything this Sylvia had just said about him was true. "Fine," he said, "if you're going to leave, leave. Just don't stay here and lie to me."

She looked at him awhile, was scrutinizing him, was—if it were possible he was not mistaken—sizing him up in advance of telling him, finally, something true about herself. "There are forces in this world, my dear friend, darker than I think you're willing to imagine could ever touch your life."


Excerpted from YOU WERE WRONG by Matthew Sharpe Copyright © 2010 by Matthew Sharpe. Excerpted by permission of BLOOMSBURY. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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