You're Not What I Expected

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What happens when the romance fades? Are lovers inevitably fated to disillusionment? Jungian analyst Polly Young-Eisendrath's You're Not What I Expected suggests a new and hopeful ending to the story about love between the sexes. A licensed psychologist in private practice, Dr. Young-Eisendrath follows four struggling couples through therapy and locates the psychological predicament at the root of failure-bound relationships: Actual lovers either don't correspond to their partners' idealized "dream lovers" or ...
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1993 Hard cover First edition. New in new dust jacket. NEW Stated First Edition Sewn binding. Paper over boards. 416 p. Audience: General/trade.

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Overview

What happens when the romance fades? Are lovers inevitably fated to disillusionment? Jungian analyst Polly Young-Eisendrath's You're Not What I Expected suggests a new and hopeful ending to the story about love between the sexes. A licensed psychologist in private practice, Dr. Young-Eisendrath follows four struggling couples through therapy and locates the psychological predicament at the root of failure-bound relationships: Actual lovers either don't correspond to their partners' idealized "dream lovers" or they exhibit traits reminiscent of previous unhappy experiences. Husbands ultimately fail to grow into the model "Hero" or they resemble their wives' "Terrible Fathers." Wives who abandon the role of "Maiden Lover" metamorphose into a twentieth-century witch, the "Terrible Mother." Polly Young-Eisendrath points the way to "mature dependence": an intimacy built on equality. You're Not What I Expected shows couples that dialogue is at the heart of friendship and trust.
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
Along with reciprocal trust and shared power, dialogue between equals ``on a personal and public level'' is essential to the experience of full intimacy in heterosexual relationships. So argues Jungian therapist and feminist Young-Eisendrath ( Hags and Heroes ) in this persuasive guide. In accessible language, she demonstrates that culture, not biology, promotes the gender-based stereotypes that, along with shattered dreams, often prevent couples from establishing true intimacy. The reader sits in on intensive sessions of ``dialogue therapy'' as practiced by the author and her social worker husband, Ed Epstein, with four composite couples. In addition to aiding the husbands and wives in facing their own and each other's limitations and negative feelings, these dialogues are intended to foster ``mature dependence'' and to lead the couples to the recognition that attachment and suffering go together. (May)
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In this optimistic view of love between the sexes, the author reveals how unrealistic expectations based on gender are responsible for the failure of relationships. She shows couples how to work through the differences, conflicts, and gender stereotypes each person brings to the relationship.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780688114343
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 5/28/1993
  • Edition description: 1st ed
  • Pages: 416

Table of Contents

Introduction 9
1 Doing What's Natural 23
2 Seeing the Stranger in Yourself 66
3 The Relational Self of Women and Men 108
4 Fighting - to Stay Together 135
5 Sex as Desire 171
6 Partners in Money and Parenting 221
7 TV or Not TV? That Is the Leisure Question 265
8 Healing the Gender Split 300
Acknowledgments 343
Appendix: Leisure Questionnaire 347
Notes 351
Bibliography 386
Index 402
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