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GREAT, ANOTHER SELF-PROMOTING TWIT.
No-hear me out. I come to you today because, honestly, I must get a request or two every few months for a companion guide to Zombies for Zombies. My office floor is littered with fan mail, ladies' underwear, and notes from folks whose lives were dramatically improved by the Z4Z program. Think I'm fibbing? Hey, I'm used to that. Check out these random excerpts:
- "I don't know where I'd be today if not for your book. Actually, I do-probably in a Containment Zone!"-Daryl B., Ottumwa, IA
- "With those dynamic diction lessons, I can now be understood some of the time!"--Sarah L., Palmcaster, CA
- "Loved the visual tests and games. I think you should do an entire book of little things like that. There, I said it. Now, can I please get back that eighty bucks I loaned you?"-My cousin Frank, knocking on my front door Frank, thanks for that last note (and the check IS in the mail).
After reading everyone's suggestions about what I should do with my next book (some of which cannot be shared here), my focus group and I were finally able to drill down on the one section of Z4Z that was the most popular-the first chapter. (It was so popular, I hear, because that's as far as many of my readers got.) Chapter One was the part of Z4Z that contained, among other things, a quiz, a "which of these are not the same" game, and the whimsical diction lessons. Folks wrote in to tell me those particular exercises were extremely beneficial to their long-term recovery. They also said the games provided a heapin' helpin' of much-needed levity to individuals in the throes of the Transition (the approximate 72-hour state between life and post-life that occurs as a result of being infected by the Provo Virus).
The aforementioned focus groups discovered another strong component of that first chapter: more pictures and fewer words. Apparently, the later chapters with fewer pictures and more words left some readers in the dust and, I must tell you, I feel bad about that. Rest assured, I won't make the same mistake twice.
So, in response to the demand for a companion piece, I offer you Zombies for Zombies: The Play & Werk Buk.
The thing is, up to now, The Buk was only available to the post-life consumers residing at the Scarlet Shores chain of assisted post-living facilities. Based on its popularity there, I was asked to create a slightly different version of The Buk that might be accessible to the rest of the world, too-a hybrid for humans and post-lifers alike. Who was I to argue with such a request and possible money-maker?
Sure, you homo sapiens might find The Buk simplistic at times. But I think that after you read it, you will experience results eerily similar to those of the post-life contingent-a noticeable boost in brainpower and increased clarity in your thinky processes. The esteemed Dr. Kenneth Beaker, honored for his work with the post-living, has described The Buk as "a roto-rooter for the neural netways...you'd have to be a complete imbecile to NOT get something out of this." Thanks for the shout-out, Kenny!
Inside The Play & Werk Buk, you'll discover amusing new methods to help you maximize your QScale number (the sophisticated system by which we all can quantify our level of intelligence) and minimize your capacity to groan. Even if, as a soon-to-be post-lifer, you never read the first Z4Z (poor bastard), this Buk will delight and challenge you as you wait for your CareBox to arrive (which naturally includes a generous selection of powerful drugs and other helpful items).
Who else do you have with you? EW, is that a clown?
But forgive me, I've been rude and haven't introduced the rest of the cast from Z4Z. Let's take a moment to get reacquainted with our returning dramatis personae (and their new "Li'l" versions, too) along with a bitchin' pair of newbies. These charming characters will serve as your co-hosts at various points throughout:
This upstanding citizen is "Diligent," the good guy in the Z4Z world. Prior to being bitten, he was a word-processing operator for a major law firm, which gave him the emotional stamina to deal with post-life issues. If he looks familiar to you, it's because, since arriving on the post-life scene, Diligent has risen from simple "bitee" to semi-celebrity status, i.e. "playuh."
Here's "Doris," the chanteuse of our group. Doris is known for her effervescent personality and her seemingly limitless enthusiasm. It's infectious, isn't it? You may also recognize her from her appearances as a Shores Shopping Network Sales Hostess. Her bubbly personality, is what first caught Diligent's working eye and the two of them have been a mostly on-again couple for the last several months. In Doris' spare time (which is considerable), she enjoys reality shows, cotto salami, staring into space, and copious amounts of liquor.
Doofus is, quite simply, a bad egg. Just look at him-nothing good will happen with him around. He's our token member of the Horde (or he could be called a "zombie" if you prefer the old-fashioned vernacular). He was the "person" responsible for biting Diligent. Doofus is a trickster and will pose as anything from a doctor to a mystic. Don't listen to him or let him lure you into less-than-ideal situations. Beware the Doof!
Perhaps our most important character of all: Your Brain. This unfortunate creature never quite got the appropriate props from its appearances in Z4Z. Consequently, we're gonna make an effort to really show it the love this time. In the meantime, what YOU can do to help Your Brain's cause is to give The Buk your best shot. All the ginko biloba in Machu Picchu ain't gonna do jack squat if you don't push the envelope a bit harder, Chuck. Your Brain needs you and, need I say, you need it.
I am pleased to introduce two new characters:
This frightening fool is Chomps the Clown. A regular clown is creepy enough, but a living dead clown? It's a whole bowl of wrong. Children cry just at the sound of his name. Chomps' publicity agent would have you believe he's well meaning, yet his job as a corporate heavy tends to contradict this notion. Nota bene: if you ever see him in person, don't ask him about the New York Jets. Better yet, don't ask him anything-questions make him angry.
No Play and Werk Buk would be complete without a unicorn. Sadly, ours got infected by a dead polo player months ago. Now he's known as Horny, the Living Dead Unicorn, and he's the perkiest decomposing mythical animal ever. Plus, he's our country's number-one motivational speaker. Horny looks forward to moseying along with you on your journey through this Buk. Do yourself a favor, though: when he asks you for sugar cubes, which he inevitably will, don't get your hands anywhere near his mouth-just throw him the cubes.
My first book began: "So you've been bitten by a zombie? Bummer."
Well, the bummer just got funner!
Yeah, well. Just keep that clown away from me.
As you frolic through this frisky inactivity guide, you'll have the time of your life (or upcoming post-life) with features such as:
- "The Recent Adventures of Li'l Doofus and Diligent"
- The continuing antics of "The Dead Bear Family"
- "Jamble"-that pain-in-the-ass scrambled word game
- Werd Surches and Crozzwerdz gamez, some of which were designed by Phil Shortz, the opportunistic estranged younger brother of the respected puzzler!
- Thinky Thingz That Could Make Yer Hed Herty
- The Page YOU Made
- Solid advice from "Ask The Screaming Man"
- A coloring placemat/menu from Cap'n Ash's Seafood Fortress
- Two pages of paper dolls. 'Nuff said!