11 Things You Would Never See Written on a Bookmark

Twelve Shakespeare BookmarksI used to be terrible at using bookmarks. The truth is, I still sort of am. If I manage not to dog-ear my page before closing the covers, I’ll flip open to my place and find a candy wrapper, a crinkled receipt or, one time, a Q-Tip left as my marker. This is all disgusting and terrible.

In my defense, if you’re a real book-lover (such as I am) you’re very often reading every spare second you can manage. This might mean that you don’t have time to find your bookmark in the bottom of your purse before leaping off the train before you miss your stop. I’d rather find a slightly dingy tissue and pick up where I left off than suffer the indignity of trying to remember my page number.

That said, there are some stunning bookmarks out there that make my goal of reforming that much more desirable. Anything goes with bookmarks! Well, almost anything. Here are some things you’ll never find printed on a bookmark. I mean, unless I get ambitious and start some sort of terrible Etsy store.

1. Snitches Get Stitches
Because every book-lover knows that violence is never the answer…unless you borrow one of our books and don’t return it.

2. “I Am Become Death Destroyer of Worlds”
Because misquoting the Bhagavad Gita is a bit heavy when instead you could have some quippy (and correct) Anne Shirley quotation beaming up at you.

3. President of The Anti-Book Reading Association
Because if you found this bookmark you would probably die laughing and then somberly flush it down the toilet.

4. Werds Are Fer Nerds
Because while we agree with the sentiment (being nerds ourselves), we are sticklers for spelling.

5. 10 of History’s Most Famous Book Burnings
Because if we thought too hard about all those small-minded people bent on destroying great works, we’d have to take to our beds immediately and re-read all of Tolkien, and we just don’t have the time these days.

6. I Could Be Watching The Real Housewives Right Now
Because it’s 2014 and we all have DVRs. Orange County will wait, and should you ever run into Heather Dubrow she will be impressed with the exceptional vocabulary which spending so much of your time reading has given you.

7. This Bookmark is Edible
Because if so, this bookmark would have already been eaten during a bout of snackishness that popped up in the throes of a particularly riveting paragraph.

8. Magic Isn’t Real
Because if reading is a major part of your life, you live each day in the constant pursuit of magic.

9. My Kingdom For a Nap
Because while we concede that both naps AND funny takes on Shakespearean quotes are rare delights, we’re far more likely to give our kingdom for a Barnes & Noble gift card.

10. Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick
Because while we support speaking softly, our arms are too full of books to also manage clutching a massive shillelagh of some kind. Also because who would say “stick” when you could use a word like “shillelagh“?

11. I Loathe Big Books & I Cannot Lie
Because this is a travesty against fiction, non-fiction, and Sir Mix-a-lot. Any book-lover worth their salt LOVES big books. And also lying (in books). Because it often creates dramatic conflict within the confines of the pages, which pleases us greatly.

What would you never expect to find on a bookmark? 

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