25 Signs You’re Actually a Villain

We all harbor dark thoughts from time to time. Tell your vegan friend there’s butter in the pasta, or just let them eat it? Engage your rivals in a public debate, or poison their families and nuke District 13? The wrongest decision sometimes feels oh so right. The good news is, making some crappy choices doesn’t make you a crappy person; however, making a whole bunch of them kind of does. If you’re worried that you’re more Slytherin than Gryffindor, check yourself against this handy list of common antagonist habits. If five or more apply to you, we may be chanting your name in next month’s cult rally!

You may be a nefarious villain if…

  1. Your phone autocorrects “Monday” to “MUAHAHAHA.”
  2. You were named after a Roman emperor + a thing that can kill you (Gaius Magma…Lucius Deathsquad…Marius Embarrassment…)
  3. Your direct subordinates have names like Slugbutt, Kideater, and Killatrix McMurderSneer.
  4. You wear all black because a fancy cape-monger once told you, “It totally matches your soul.”
  5. Your wand chose you (“Heavy and pointy; oak with a core of asbestos”).
  6. You’ve asked a werewolf, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” (“Probably still quenching my limitless thirst for manblood, honestly.”)
  7. You expected world domination would be as easy as taking parents from a baby.
  8. Sometimes you worry that your friends are only your friends because you turned them into vampire slaves.
  9. None of your party guests are touching the Nightlock tarts you baked them.
  10. There’s an old Quileute legend that describes what a dick you are.
  11. Your perfect Friday night is updating a spreadsheet called “Things my nemesis will miss.”
  12. Your missed connections look like this: “You were by the cornucopia, teeth filed into points, and our eyes met over the corpse of a pre-teen. You smiled, then threw an axe at someone. We had a moment.”
  13. You’d rather have ultimate power than a nose.
  14. When playing rock, paper, scissors, you always go with Avada Kedavra.
  15. You have separate inboxes for “Cults,” “Covens,” and “Cabals.”
  16. There’s a Post-it note on your desk that just says “Kill all children???”
  17. You may live in the Capitol, but you always find time to visit honest, small-town folks in their homes (and burn them down).
  18. The leading cause of death in your organization is poorly timed monologues.
  19. In high school you were voted “Most likely to emerge from shadows.”
  20. It seems your entire life has been narrated from someone else’s POV, and they don’t get you AT ALL.
  21. You’re a very good employee, whether your employer is a small bakery or a totalitarian regime.
  22. Revenge WILL BE YOURS!!!!!
  23. Oops—you were foiled by your own hubris.
  24. You take pleasure in the small things in life, like roses covered in blood.
  25. You are such a conch-hogger.

How villainous are you?

  • Jackie Lea Sommers

    Cannot quit laughing at “conch-hogger” — and YES, I know the reference. 🙂

Follow BNReads