6 Books That Will Get You a Date

Ashton Kutcher got it right: smart is indubitably sexy. And in this hipster day and age, it can be cool to read just about anything, from comics to manga to essays comparing different kinds of turkey lifters. (Turkey lifters! I’m not sure why those two words together are so funny.)

There’s no accounting for taste. One man may cringe and shudder to see a comely lady reading a novelization of Elektra; another man might light up with glee at the same sight.

But if you want to attract a reader anything like moi, here are the six types of books to pick up and flaunt.

1. Something dark, like IT. “Clowns freak me out, oh my God.” Guys throw up a little bit in their nostrils (which is gross, and way worse than throwing up in your mouth) when they hear these words, because everybody claims to be scared of clowns. If you read a book like IT, guys will know you have a legit reason to be terrified when the circus comes to town.

2. Something wacky, like Going Bovine. Wacky books show that you’re wacky, but not Zooey Deschanel wacky. No, you’re committed to being wacky, like Caligula. Commitment like that gets respect.

3. Something artsy, like Love in the Time of Cholera. I myself have never read Love in the Time of Cholera, but if I saw a genteel woman perusing that volume, you’d better believe I’d start to get a little lubricated in the area where my arm and shoulder adjoin.

(…Sweaty pits. I’d get sweaty pits.)

4. Something religious, like Paradise Lost. It shows that you’re open-minded enough to believe in paradise. Or you’re sad that it got lost.

5. Something old, like The Epic of Gilgamesh. Reading this book suggests you’re interested in manly men like Gilgamesh, who told off treacherous goddesses, killed a giant bull from the cosmos, and was two-thirds god. Confident men will flock to you when they see you with this tome; insecure snivelers will run away in fear. Win-win!

6. Something funny, like Dave Barry Is Not Making This UpThey say a shared sense of humor is the #1 reason relationships last, and though we don’t know who they is, we’re gonna go with it.

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