There’s nothing better than a good tell-all memoir…except, of course, a tell-all memoir from someone whose past, present, and future we’ll never get to dig into. In other words, there’s nothing our fiction-obsessed souls crave more than to read every last detail about the lives of some of our favorite fictional characters. What were they thinking? What inspired them to make the choices they made? How did they become who they are? Here are six fictional memoirs we would totally binge-read.
Mrs. Bennet (Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen)
To be honest, Mrs. Bennet kinda reminds us of a Mindy Kaling character at her most extreme: unapologetically interested in whatever she’s interested in, constantly worried about what everyone is thinking about her, and incredibly funny (whether she means to be or not). And there’s a lot we’d like to know about Mrs. Bennet: for instance, why (and how) did she marry Mr. Bennet? What was their courtship and early marriage like? What did she do once all five of her daughters were married? And what on earth is her first name? We’re sure Mrs. Bennet has a lot to say.
Memoir title: Consider My Nerves
Irene Adler (Sherlock Holmes, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle):
To my mind Irene Adler is hands-down the best character in Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories, and even more compelling in her various screen depictions. From her time as an opera singer to her experience as a constantly underestimated woman in the male-dominated Victorian era, her tell-all would be inspirational, gripping, and definitely scandalous. And you can bet she’d have a twist or two you’d never see coming.
Memoir title: Adled
Baz (Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell)
Oh, Baz. From his incredibly defined widow’s peak to his suspiciously pointed incisors to his impeccable dress shoes, there’s nothing we don’t love. And yet, there are so many questions we need answered, namely: what was it like to be a vampire in middle school? What secrets are hiding in the old family manor? How do you correctly tie an ascot? Teeming with villainous quips and life advice for classy wizards, we’re sure Baz has a lot to share with the world. Plus, there’s that whole kidnapping incident to relive.
Memoir title: Running on Numpty
Godot (Waiting for Godot, by Samuel Beckett)
We’ve got just one thing to say to Godot: for all the time he’s kept us waiting, he had better have a good explanation. Like, say, a 200-plus-page explanation. We’re not saying he owes us a memoir, but it certainly wouldn’t go amiss, you know? Perhaps Godot was waylaid by land-pirates and spent the next decade swabbing the deck; perhaps he was simply too caught up contemplating the meaning of life to get out of bed. Either way, we really wish he’d share his side of the story with us.
Memoir title: Better Late Than Never
Neville Longbottom (Harry Potter, by J. K. Rowling)
Neville was this close to being the Boy Who Lived; nothing but a seemingly arbitrary decision kept him from being the center of Harry’s prophecy instead. But even more intriguing than his single degree of separation is his subtle-but-powerful transformation from a bumbling boy to a badass horcrux-slayer. What fueled his gradual change? What was it like almost being a part of the Golden Trio? And how satisfying was it to flaunt his success at those Hogwarts class reunions? There’s nothing we love more than an underdog—except, perhaps, an underdog exposing the seedy side of his wizarding upbringing.
Memoir title: (Almost) The Chosen One
Tock (The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster):
Tock, the faithful watchdog: he’s adorable, he’s smart, he’s always, always punctual. So what’s it like to be the only one in your friend group who’s consistently on time for brunch, just sitting there awkwardly holding down the table? Tock knows. What did he do before Milo showed up? What was he even doing in the Doldrums to begin with? How much of a jerk was Milo, really? It’d be hard not to relate to the ever put-upon Tock, especially when it comes to never living up to expectations (tick, tick, tick).
Memoir title: Tock’ed Up: My Life in the Doldrums
Whose fictional memoir would you love to read?