Kurt Vonnegut’s Online Dating Profile

Kilgore Trout
Barnstable, Massachusetts

My self-summary

I tend to think of human beings as huge, rubbery test tubes with chemicals seething inside.

What I’m doing with my life

I am a graduate school drop-out. Several years ago I founded one of the very first Saab dealerships in the United States. It is no longer in business. Now I write stories and draw assholes.

I’m pretty good at

Dodging burning bombs that fall from the sky.

The first thing people usually notice about me

My uncontainable enthusiasm.

The six things I could never do without

The little pill I take when I get depressed.

My copy of Alexis de Tocqueville’s Democracy in America.

A pack of Pall Malls. The classiest way to commit suicide.

Certain amounts of microscopic elements that I must eat to continue living as a human being.

Music. All of it.

My friend, Knox Burger.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

What a bummer it is to be a human being.

On a typical Friday night I am

Thinking that evolution is being controlled by some sort of divine engineer. This engineer knows exactly what he or she is doing and why, and where evolution is headed. That’s why we’ve got giraffes and hippopotami and the clap.

Full disclosure: I don’t have the clap.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Sometimes I’m just goofing around and all of a sudden stuff comes gushing out of me. It’s disgust with civilization.

I’m looking for

Someone who will use the time of a total stranger (me) in such a way that I will not feel my time was wasted.

You should message me if

Please, I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do. Can I go home now?

Would you message Kurt Vonnegut?

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