Season 7 of HBO’s Game of Thrones begins tonight, and unless you live under a rock or on Pyke, you’ve seen plenty of reminders that winter is
coming here—and the show is going off-book.
Anything is possible now, and not even diehards readers know what’s around the next treacherous corner.
In Westeros, of course, “anything is possible” usually means “everything is death.” In such a realm, this level of uncertainty almost certainly means someone’s about to blow up a wedding reception.
Before the show shatters our jaws with endless cruel twists, let’s beat it to the punch, and imagine how it will kill off the characters we love—and also the Greyjoys.
After finally saying goodbye to noted hellhole Meereen, Dany will be cut down in a tragic boating accident, lest her plot line advance. The tragedy will be of Titanic proportions, with Dany and Missandei struggling to share space on a door before both drowning. Varys will float by moments later and note there was plenty of room on the flotsam for both women.
The Lannisters have a certain flare for dying, so it’ll be hard to top Tywin’s Toilet Takedown, Tommen’s Walk to Remember, or Joffrey’s transformation into a blond blueberry. Maybe Jamie, undone by Cersei’s actions, strangles himself with his own metal hand just for the drama of it all.
Smothered by a pile of prostitutes in Flea Bottom.
Roasted by a dragon while attempting to pilot his own buddy-comedy spinoff with Varys.
The Unsullied are bad swimmers probably?
Theon and Yara Greyjoy
Unknown. No one thought to look for them in the wreckage of their own ships.
KING IN THE NORTH. I think we all know what happens to kings around these parts.
After Jon’s assassination, Sansa ably assumes the reins to her very cold militia. See previous entry: KING IN THE NORTH.
Honestly, it’s more fun if you pick for yourself one of the hundreds of possibilities in which Littlefinger’s schemes fatally backfire.
His list of allies and his north-of-the-Wall life support have grown thin. You can take the boy out of the tree, and you can also take the tree out of the boy, in which case his odds of survival are not great.
[Author’s note: While making this list, I thought to myself, “What about Hodor?” only to suddenly cry out with an earth-shattering howl.]
A girl has many enemies on her list, and not all are such weak monsters as Walder Frey.
Historically, decent people fare poorly in Westeros. For his part, Davos is likely going to die in battle, whether he’s behind the horse of Jon or Sansa. One can hope his final moments get more play than Stannis’.
Utterly noble and doomed ruler Jon Snow banished his life-saving witch to the South, where it would seem wise for her to hook up with the Brotherhood Without Banners. As Beric Dondarrion has his own R’hhealer in Thoros, Melisandre’s talents will be used to resurrect The Hound over and over again as they march toward the North, where her throat will be slit by Davos Seaworth.
I’m sorry, but is there any way now that semi-reformed cutthroat is not ultimately killed by his zombie brother The Mountain? Or, to hedge my bets, Arya Stark, disguised as The Mountain?
Brienne of Tarth
Brienne was last seen glumly fleeing failure at Riverrun with loyal Podrick, so we can assume she will seek out a new quest. We can also assume she will find her way to Dorne, where literally nothing good has ever happened, and be killed by infighting. One hopes Tormund Giantsbane is dead himself before he receives the news.
Here lies Samwell Tarly, Slayer of White Walkers, crushed by a poorly constructed bookcase.
Assuming the greyscale doesn’t get to him first, Jorah seems like the kind of guy to get knifed in a bar in Braavos for refusing to tip.
The Queen of Thorns will be left to rule over a kingdom of ash and corpses, abusing servants and resting her feet on Cersei’s bloated remains—until she is slain by Lyanna Mormont, competently closing the whole bloody loop begat by her namesake. Here she will sit, atop her throne, watching and waiting for Gendry, the O.G. of Robert’s bastard offspring, to resurface anywhere, ever. Row on, Gendry. Row on.
How accurate will our predictions be? Tune in and find out: Game of Thrones returns tonight on HBO.