The thing about fictional guys is they never let you down. Mr. Bingley will always succumb to his better nature and propose to Jane. Snape will always love Lily, no matter how much it breaks his heart. And Ned Nickerson will just keep getting knocked unconscious in the woods while his baller girlfriend, Nancy Drew, collects the clues. While breathing, three-dimensional partners have their charms, who doesn’t carry a torch for a fictional man or two? Take this quiz to discover which literary boyfriend you’re most suited for, then take him everywhere with you. (Just don’t break his spine, girl. Anything can be used as a bookmark.)
1. The best gift a guy can give me is:
a. A cute piece of jewelry I pointed out a month ago then promptly forgot about. So thoughtful!
b. A lock of his hair wrapped in a poem he wrote about my clavicle
c. A copy of his favorite childhood bedtime book
d. A Kids in the Hall complete series boxed set, or a copy of Tina Fey’s Bossypants
e. Homemade cookies from a family recipe
2. My idea of a perfect Friday night date is:
a. Having a great conversation about a book we’ve both read but completely disagree on
b. Who needs Netflix when we can gaze into each other’s eyes for hours?
c. Sledding, sneaking into a double feature, playing old board games: depends on my mood!
d. Renting a terrible movie, then watching it Mystery Science Theater 3,000-style.
e. Making a romantic home-cooked dinner together
3. The most important trait in a partner is:
a. Strength of character
b. Unwavering devotion
d. Sense of humor
4. The most unforgivable trait in a partner is:
a. Lack of emotional support
b. Wandering eye
c. Too predictable
d. Too serious
e. Game player
5. The best place to meet a potential date is:
a. A reading or other cultural event
b. A bar at last call
c. I go for the other most out of place person at the party
d. Open mic night or comedy club
e. Coffee shop
6. A pickup line that might actually work on me is:
a. “I’m bad at talking to girls, but I just had to tell you what nice eyes you have.”
b. “Let’s get in my Camaro and drive to Reno. Right now.”
c. “You remind me of the first girl I ever kissed. We were 4. I wonder where she is now?”
d. “So a friar, a duck, and a showgirl walk into a bar.”
e. “I’d love to take you to dinner. Wherever you want, my treat.”
If you answered mostly A’s, your literary boyfriend is Mr. Darcy
You’re looking for a goodhearted man who loves you for your mind (and your fine eyes, and your butt in crinolines), even if you have to overcome his offputting natural shyness in the beginning. When introducing him to your friends, be patient: asking him to meet and make nice with all 20 of your workmates at once is a recipe for disaster.
If you answered mostly B’s, your literary boyfriend is Heathcliff
Passionate, brooding, and devoted to a fault, at least Heathcliff will never forget your birthday…because he got it tattooed on his stomach on your third date. Defy anyone who’s ever worried that the guys you go for “just aren’t into you” by dating a man who eats fear of commitment for breakfast, then takes decades-long revenge on it for good measure.
If you answered mostly C’s, your literary boyfriend is Holden Caulfield
Confused yet charismatic, with a melancholy streak a mile wide, Holden will at least keep things interesting—if only because dating him is bound to give you whiplash. But we hold out hope for our favorite angsty lit boy. Here’s hoping that, by the time he’s old enough to buy you a drink, Holden’s also old enough to go on a date without changing his mind about you five times throughout the night.
If you answered mostly D’s, your literary boyfriend is George Weasley
If he can make you laugh, he can hold your attention—and we’re betting you won’t hold the cute red moptop against him, either. Just so long as he saves the Puking Pastilles for his bros, Weasley’s your man. Just be prepared for a bit of a helicopter mum-in-law (we won’t hear a word against Molly).
If you answered mostly E’s, your literary boyfriend is Peeta Mellark
Leather jackets? Playing hard to get? You say goodbye to all that: you like ’em sweet, strong, and dependable. The baker’s son from District 12 is the marrying kind (even if he’s got an eye for the bad girls himself).