Celebrate New Year’s Day With Us!

NewYearsSliderYou’re invited to the best New Year’s Day party ever! Here are the “deets”:

Getting to our place is a snap—just go to JFK Airport, proceed through security, hop on the plane we’ve chartered ($299; you can PayPal us directly), wait through a two-hour tarmac layover in Newark, take a speedy $25 taxi to the ferry, then snag a quick $35 cab ride to our place. The not-to-scale map we’ve attached may help your driver find us; there’s no cell service, so people sometimes get lost in the adjacent “bad” neighborhoods.  Not to worry—you can use our phone (for 800 numbers) to cancel your credit cards, if necessary.

Rather than seat you next to your significant other or people you know, we have a special treat: all eight of our great-uncles are in town, and we’re pairing each of you up with one of them for the duration of the party as they regale you with stories, jokes, and nuanced political insights about the Hoover administration and feminism.

Since everyone will be recovering from New Year’s Eve, we won’t serve alcohol, just good old-fashioned, digestion-promoting tepid tap water, as prescribed by our live-in guru, Sri Rathaswamy. An exception will be made for the great-uncles, who will have been drinking continuously since the previous night.

Did somebody say “potluck”?! See the attached spreadsheet to learn what gluten-free appetizer, entrée, dessert, and  petits fours you’ll be preparing. We look forward to tasting and rating them, if Sri approves.

We’ve designed a scavenger hunt whose clues can be found as you houseclean. To see which portion you’ve been assigned, check out the attached to-scale map. BYOCS (Bring Your Own Cleaning Supplies—including vacuums; ours is sorta special and delicate—you understand).

Other games on the docket, the winners of which will receive points good toward tap-waterrefills: diaper changing; tallying receipts for tax prep; asbestos removal (BYOHMS—Bring Your Own HazMat Suit).

We’d love it if you wrote a little something about why you’re so pleased to be with us on New Year’s Day. Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be fancy—just make sure to include our advanced degrees in each reference to us. Attached is our house style guide for other questions you may have.

Here’s the Spotify playlist of what we’ll be listening to: a tranquil arrangement of smooth jazz and soft rock playing over a recording of our wedding vows.

We’re registered at Tiffany. Free shipping kicks in after $150, but please give only what you feel comfortable with—we seriously won’t judge you or hold up your less expensive presents in front of everyone if you make the conscious decision to skimp.

Black-tie mandatory. Important: our children are highly allergic to most natural fibers. To be safe, wear only polyester. Links below to approved polyester-formalwear companies.

Countersign the attached agreement indemnifying us against any and all attacks by our dogs and/or children.

Can’t wait to raise a glass of tepid tap water with you all for the sunrise viewing at 7:20 a.m.!

The receipt of this email serves as your legally binding RSVP and contains a virus.

Teddy Wayne is the author of The Love Song of Jonny Valentine and Kapitoil.

(Image credit: USC Digital Library.)

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