Code Breaker

This Coupon Worth crop

We’re sorry, the promotional code “HOLIDAY” was for a different holiday.

The coupon code “SUPERSAVER” requires a minimum purchase of $100 and may not be used on sale or clearance items.  Or on full-price items.

Unfortunately, the promo code “SAVE20” could not be applied to your outstanding student loan balance.

The code “SAVE30” could also not be applied to your student loan balance, which now stands at $294,174.19.

“BIGDEALS” is unable to be applied to any of the items in your shopping cart, including the $300 pair of shoes that you absolutely shouldn’t be purchasing given your crushing student loan balance.

The discount code “FREEMONTH” is not able to be used for mortgage payments, sorry.

“SPRINGSAVINGS” is not a valid code for a discount on medical services, nor will a doctor’s note excuse you from paying either your student loan or your mortgage.

The promotional code “LABORDAY97” could have been used to cut your student loan balance by 75%, but it expired on September 1, 1997 and is not set to be active again for at least 81 more years.

Though we sympathize, “PLEASEHELPME” is not a recognized code to receive a discount on the books in your shopping cart.  Also, “Evading Your Student Loan Payments” is a title that will never be eligible for any discounts, ever.  And even if you find a way to afford it, we are not sending you that book.

“TWITTER10” is a very silly code and should not work for anything, including but not limited to your student loan, your mortgage, and the legal services that are only going to tell you that filing for bankruptcy will not allow you to discharge your student loan debt.

Sorry, “HOTDEALZ” cannot be applied to library fines, ATM fees, or your electric bill, although at least it sort of makes sense to try for the electric bill.

“STUDENTLOANAMNESTY” is not an eligible promotional code at this time.  And if the way we’re phrasing that means you’re holding out hope that there might be amnesty in the future, that’s fine, but you should note that in the time it took you to read this, your balance has grown to $295,767.35.

You’re welcome, but, unfortunately, “THANKS” will not save you any money on your dental work — though we realize that it’s the stress of your loan payments that is causing you to grind your teeth.

“WELOVEYOU” too, but no luck with that one, either.

“BLACKFRYDAY” is not a valid discount code, and you would think that for $296, 413.56, your thirteen years of higher education would have taught you how to spell the days of the week.

“BLACKFRIDAY” is also not a valid discount code, particularly in April.  But good try.

We’re sorry, “FREESHIPPING” doesn’t even make sense here.  Just pay your debt, please.

Yes, it would certainly be ironic if “BACKTOSCHOOL” was a working discount code for your student loan.  It is not, and the number now stands at $297,034.66.

“TRICKORTREAT” is not an eligible promotional code, but we choose “TRICK” and have increased your federal income tax bill by 15%.

We won’t even repeat the promo code you just used, but rest assured that we wish you the same.

“CYBERSAVE” cannot be applied to your purchase of a new identity.

Congratulations! The promotional code “ZEROBALANCE” has been applied to your student loan and your balance now stands at $SYSTEMCRASHED.

We’re sorry.  The promotional code “ZEROBALANCE” expired two seconds ago, when the system crashed as we were applying it to your account.  Your balance now stands at $298,747.06.

The promotional code “HOLIDAY” is, once again, for yet another different holiday.  We apologize for the inconvenience.

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer and the upcoming novel The Curve (written with Cameron Stracher), a satire about a Trump University-style law school, being published in June by Ankerwycke.