“Three out of four car seats are not installed properly, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.”
— “Car Seats That Make Sure the Baby on Board Is Snug and Safe”, The New York Times (June 26, 2015).
Thank you for purchasing your brand-new Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X child car-safety seat, from the makers of Play-Goop and other objects with tremendous structural integrity. Our seat is easy to install, as long as you are a mechanical engineer. Have you removed the car seat from its box? If so, you must dispose of the seat immediately. The box is a key safety component and the seat must remain in the box at all times. If your child cannot fit in the box along with the seat, you must either upgrade to the Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 4000X or you can try the origami child-folding tips available on our website.
It is often difficult to know the safest place to install your car seat. That is why our seat is equipped with an alarm that will sound when your seat is not in an ideal position for your child’s safety. The ideal position for your child’s safety, of course, is not in a car at all but rather in an interior room of your house, far from any furniture that might topple in the event of a natural disaster. Thus the Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X will sound its alarm no matter where in the vehicle you attempt to place it. Despite this, if you must use your vehicle for transportation and there is no responsible, stationary adult available to watch your child, install our product in the back seat of your vehicle.
Most cars follow the LATCH installation system, which is an acronym that stands for Look At This Complicated Harness. Other cars are equipped with the PLATCH system, which stands for Please, Let A Trained Consultant Help. Our seat is compatible with cars that use the EJECT system, which isn’t an acronym at all. We are working to fix the automatic-ejection issue in next year’s models.
We are proud that the Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X is not only a place to store your child but also an enjoyable activity center. The seat is equipped with snacks, crayons, rattles, blocks, books, and over ninety-three games guaranteed to amuse your child for a total of no more than four minutes. Rides longer than four minutes should be undertaken at your own risk.
Another exciting feature of the Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X is our child-activated music system. The louder your child gets, the louder the music will become. No, it’s not good music, but at least it’s something. Choose from four musical options designed to soothe your child: Repetitive Lullaby, Off-Key Humming, Video Game Theme Song, or — our favorite — Electronic Toy With Dying Batteries.
If the seat is correctly installed, you should be able to move it side-to-side enough to see all the food crumbs that have accumulated underneath the base but not enough to ever actually remove them. The space beneath the seat is large enough to hide but not retrieve everything your child loves and can’t live without. Also, your car keys.
To ensure safety, please be certain that your car seat is installed at the correct recline angle. You can calculate the angle in your head based on this simple, foolproof, and absolutely critical formula: ([Child’s Age in Hours] + [Child’s Weight in Marshmallows]) / ([Child’s Stanford-Binet IQ Score, as verified by two independent testers] + [Number of Hundreds of Dollars You Wasted on this Car Seat]).
Finally, if your child has red hair, brown hair, no hair, two ears, ten toes, three eyes, an odd number of teeth, horns, a tail, or a name that starts with a vowel, the Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X is not the appropriate seat. Refer to our website to find the correct, more expensive seat. (Also, for some but not all of the conditions listed, please consult your pediatrician.)
Good luck with your Ultra Plush Death Protector Fun Time 3000X. In the time it took you to read these instructions, your seat has expired. Please purchase a new one.
Jeremy Blachman‘s son recently outgrew his infant car seat. Read more at jeremyblachman.com.