It’s Over, Isn’t It?

Persistent Suitor crop

Subject: confirming your unsubscription request
On March 28, 2016 at 9 a.m., wrote:
Thank you for your request to  unsubscribe from our health & happiness e-letter  which we will  process shortly.  We respect your desire to simplify your life and no  longer receive our emails, e-blasts, e-offers, tweets, and personal e-vites to exclusive get-happier e-vents you’d otherwise never be invited to.   This is to confirm that you want your name and email  removed from all the other hip, fascinating, rich,  loyal friends  and subscribers who will continue learning how to improve their lives.   Once we hear back from you, you  will be notified of the success or failure of your unsubscription.


Subject: are you sure to want to confirm your unsubscription to our subscription?
On March 29, at 9 a.m., wrote:
Before you go, you will receive one final confirmation that we have unsubscribed you from the list of enthusiastic  up-and-comers  who appreciate the significance of a learning relationship that may have meant more to us than to you.  But it’s your choice if you want to risk  becoming  an anti-social loner so  self-sufficient you don’t need anybody else which, our studies show, leads to depression, addiction, perversion and psychopathy. If you have a moment, please let us know  why you rejected us while  allowing all that other  marketing crap into your inbox every day.

Subject:  oops resubscribe
On March 30, at 8:59 a.m., wrote:
Well, subscriber, after  receiving  your candid yet  hurtful feedback,  we’ve learned something important – because of you.  So  thank you. We deeply regret that  we did not  fulfill your needs.  Although you  clearly can’t see beyond the prison of your draining narcissism, we’re  sorry to see you go.  Your attempts to unsubscribe were unsuccessful, so we have to ask: Was opting out  an error? Did you accidentally  forward our email to one of your unhappy virtual fake friends who then clicked the unsubscribe  link? And you, in your typical passivity, just went along with it?  Tell us the truth – do  you have regrets? Are you willing to risk FOMO because YOLO? If so, you can officially resubscribe at RESUBSCRIBE.   What can we do to coerce you back?

O  Stop sending me instant messages on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
O  Add content more relevant to my fascinating profile
O  Promote my name and products more directly instead of you-you-you all the time
O  Include less cancer fighting food articles and add more secretly recorded naked videos

Subject: are you sure you don’t want to reconfirm your resubscription?
On March 30, at 9:02  pm wrote:
So you’re being a stubborn @$#! and still don’t want to rejoin? Fine.  We have no problem with  hooking up, then being  dumped  out of your fear of intimacy.  Just confirm  your confirmation for unsubscription and we’ll discontinue ALL correspondence  from the e-letter, even ads  with a half-naked  Kate Hudson in @Kateswear that help poor sick little African children dying from starvation while you sit  home,  bingeing on toxic Microwave popcorn and  “House of Cards.” However, let us know if you  wish to continue receiving occasional  emails based on your selfish obsessions,  which we’ve analyzed from your Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter accounts. If so, which would you prefer:

O   Less data on how to survive a tsunami and more invitations to exclusive parties I could be attending
O   Comments on my posts and tweets
O   Once a week celebrity naughty bits
O   More info on the testoterone project

Subject: are you sure to want to confirm your unsubscription?
On March 30, at 9:03 pm, wrote:
Good news! Since we’re sorry for our false advertising,  overzealously forcing ourselves on you more than our promised once-a-day, we’re changing – just  for you. Based on in-depth consultation with our  health and happiness expert e-shrink, we are implementing important steps to rectify our issues. We  will now monitor our output and practice impulse control.  Instead of unsubscribing, simply switch your preferences so we can  better satisfy what you need from us. Please enter your:

O  Other email addresses, passwords and mobile phone numbers.
O  Mother’s maiden name and Social Security # of everyone in your family
O  The name of the person you lost your virginity to
O  First pet you killed

Subject: you can’t still want to confirm your unsubscription, can you?
On March 30, at 9:06 pm., wrote:
Since  you have continued to insist we remove you from all newsletter activity for the rest of your life, we have to say we feel pretty badly treated.  We think we’re at least owed the courtesy of a straight answer.  Before we unsubscribe you,  spam your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat accounts and share the number of hours you’ve streamed “Dating Naked”  with all of your contacts, including your mother, uncle in New Jersey, 17 cousins and two competitive sisters-in-law,  can we just  ask you one question: what changed? Check whichever apply:

O   I am taking a break from the Internet to confront my addiction
O   I’m too busy stalking the tall,  slim George Clooney look-alike all over my Instagram account
O   I’m so consumed with self-loathing I can’t deal with your emoticons
O   Truthfully you never made me happy,  not even a little

Subject: okay, we’re never coming back. Really.
On March 31, at 9:00 a.m., wrote:
Although we appreciate your relentless self-serving honesty, it’s going to take some time to process this. But we understand  it’s for the best — and, as the letter from your attorney suggests,  legally necessary — to move on.  Lately we’ve been questioning what  we saw in you to begin with.  Still, no hard feelings.  To complete the process, simply reconfirm the reason for your unsubscription  in (exactly) 150 characters, then click on the link that will take you to our partner website, where you can download the TRU-REMOVE software.  For any question or comments, contact us at  and we’ll be happy to answer all inquiries and apologies and update you on everything you’ve missed.

Susan Shapiro is the co-author of  the New York Times bestselling nonfiction books Unhooked and Bosnia List and the author of the novel What’s Never Said. You can follow her on Twitter at @susanshapironet but she won’t subscribe to your newsletter, so don’t ask.

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