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Hillary Rodham Clinton exclusively used a personal email account to conduct government business as secretary of state, State Department officials said, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the agency’s record.— The New York Times, 3/3/15

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Vladimir Putin

Just wanted to follow up on our meeting last week.  Hope we’ll be able to work together as allies for peace throughout the world.

P.S. You can e-mail me back at this address, or feel free to use Hillary2@hotmail.com.  Careful when you type it, though — the NSA has told me that Hillary1@hotmail.com is a Chinese operative.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Angela Merkel

Sorry, didn’t mean to forward you my e-mail about the one-day sale at Macy’s.  Not that it’s not a good sale– three pantsuits for the price of two(!!)– just clicked the wrong button.  Whoops!

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Madeleine Albright

It’s been your turn on Words With Friends for about a week now — and don’t tell me you won’t keep playing because I cheated.  I’m telling you, WHITEWATER is one word, not two.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Hillary1@hotmail.com

I got your phone bill to my account AGAIN, so I’m forwarding it.  I wish you’d just let them know they have the wrong e-mail address and change it — I don’t really have time to be your secretary.

P.S. China’s totally going down.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: BlueDressOutlet.com

For the last time, please remove me from your list.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Bashir al-Assad

What are you doing tonight?  Pizza?

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Bashir al-Assad

Please disregard my previous e-mail.  It was meant for my friend Bashir al-Assam — your address popped up by mistake.  Not that I wouldn’t be up for pizza sometime, especially if you stop with a few of the war crimes.  But not tonight, unfortunately — not unless you can make it to Washington in an hour!

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Us Weekly Subscription Dept.

I never got last week’s issue.  It’s my first read every week on the plane, so please send it rush if you can.  Thanks.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Ben Q. Ghazi

You probably figured it out by now, but that entire e-mail thread you’ve been copied on was clearly an error on my part.  Please do me a favor and delete.  Thanks.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Hillary1@hotmail.com

Okay, this is the last bill I’m forwarding.  And, come on, I think it probably makes sense for you to go up on your data plan if you’re going to keep going over every month.  Common sense.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Vladimir Putin

No, I didn’t get your last two e-mails — I told you, it’s Hillary2@hotmail.com.  Hillary3@hotmail.com is the Estate of Sir Edmund Hillary, and they haven’t e-mailed me back since our falling out in Nepal.  Hillary4, just so you know, is a sweet young girl I meet for coffee sometimes — but also a Chinese operative.

 

FROM: Pantsuits1947@aol.com

TO: Vidal Sassoon Hair Salon

I’ve told you before — you can’t e-mail me on this account.  It’s not secure.  Please use my State Dept. address.  I can’t have everyone knowing about my coloring appointments.  P.S. I think it’s time you refresh the magazines in the waiting room —  I haven’t read this week’s Us Weekly.

 

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer.  Read more at jeremyblachman.com, or e-mail him at Hillary5@… wait, no, that’s also a Chinese operative.