Romeo and Juliet and Ben & Jerry

Romeo_and_juliet_brown crop

Dramatis personae

Romeo, son to Montague

Juliet, daughter to Capulet

Ben, son to Cohen

Jerry, son to Greenfield

SCENE: A hall in Capulet’s house.

ROMEO [to JULIET]

If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.

BEN [aside to JERRY]

“Blushing Pilgraham Cracker?”

JERRY [aside to BEN]

“Rough Touch Cookie Dough?”

BEN [to JERRY]

“Palm to Palm Sundae!”

JERRY [to BEN]

Nice.

ROMEO [to JULIET]

Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET

Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO

O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

BEN [aside to JERRY]

“Lest Faith Lo-Fat…?”

JERRY [aside to BEN]

“…Des-Pear Sorbet?”

BEN [to JERRY]

Not our best.

JERRY [to BEN]

No.

JULIET [to ROMEO]

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.

ROMEO

Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

JERRY [aside to BEN]

“Give Me My…”

BEN [aside to JERRY]

“…Cinnamon Again!”

JERRY [to BEN]

Nailed it!

JULIET [to ROMEO]

You kiss by the book.

ROMEO

Are these guys with you?

* * *

SCENE: A lane by the wall of Capulet’s orchard.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

BEN [to JERRY]

Capulet… something with apple? “C-Apple-ulet”?

JERRY [to BEN]

Or “wherefore”?

BEN [to JERRY]

“Rocky Romeo?” No, that’s terrible. Let’s just keep listening.

ROMEO [aside]

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

JULIET

’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.

JERRY [to BEN]

There’s got to be something in “Montague”…

BEN [to JERRY]

Let’s toss around the Frisbee. Maybe come back at this fresh in a bit. [Exeunt.]

* * *

JULIET

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

[Exit above.]

BEN [aside to JERRY]

“Sweet Mintague!”

JERRY [aside to BEN]

Well, that was a freebie.

* * *

SCENE: Capulet’s orchard.

JULIET

It is, it is: hie hence, be gone, away!
It is the lark that sings so out of tune,
Straining harsh discords and unpleasing sharps.
Some say the lark makes sweet division;
This doth not so, for she divideth us:
Some say the lark and loathed toad change eyes,
O, now I would they had changed voices too!
Since arm from arm that voice doth us affray,
Hunting thee hence with hunt’s-up to the day,
O, now be gone; more light and light it grows.

ROMEO

More light and light; more dark and dark——

JERRY

Chocolate!

ROMEO

Again?

JERRY

“Dark and Dark Chocolate.”

ROMEO

’Tis a bit obvious.

JULIET

Ay. Wherefore not “Loathed Toadst’d Almond”?

ROMEO

Or “Harshmellow Discords,” e’en?

JERRY

Those are… okay.

BEN

I guess.

* * *

SCENE: A churchyard; in it a tomb belonging to the Capulets.

JULIET

What’s here? a cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:
O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop
To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;
Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,
To make die with a restorative.

[Kisses him.]

Thy lips are warm.

BEN [aside]

“Ore-O Churl! Swirl.”

JULIET

Yea, noise? then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! [Snatching ROMEO’s dagger.]

JERRY

Hey!

BEN

Hold on there, young lady!

JULIET

But why? Am I living, if Romeo is gone?

BEN

Don’t be so hasty! My partner and I won’t be around forever, and someone’s going to have to name flavors for the next generation.

JULIET

Like “Fro-Yo… Hippie Dagger,” you mean? Or “S’more-omeo’s Body.”

JERRY

The poet’s eye, in fine frenzy rolling,
Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet’s pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name.

JULIET

Sorry?

BEN

He means you’re hired.

Matthew David Brozik bites his thumb, but not necessarily at you. Visit matthewdavidbrozik.com to be consorted with the humorous night, as it were.

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