Spring TV Preview

SpringTVPreview

Are you ready for a world where aliens are in charge– and they even play football?  So am I, but it doesn’t look like that’s happening, so we’re stuck watching television.  Still, there are a lot of great shows to look forward to.

What do you get when you cross a talking elephant who loves pancakes with a grisly unsolved murder?  It’s Tusks, the new drama leading off our Monday-is-a-Fun-day lineup.  You’ll never look at pachyderms — or buttermilk — in quite the same way.

Speaking of tusks, teeth are in this season — every actor has them on the upcoming hit Links, about life in a chain factory… next to a golf course… where people can’t stay off the Internet.  It’s got something for everyone… except dentists.  Wait, does that even make sense?  Wouldn’t dentists enjoy a show where everyone has teeth?

He’s a mathematician who can see the future.  She’s a realtor who’s stuck in the past.  But oddly enough neither one of them is planning to watch Grain, our new Tuesday-is-also-a-Fun-day-even-though-it-doesn’t-rhyme comedy about famine in a small town in suburban Indiana… where the mayor is a woman… and she’s also a realtor/mathematician!  Wow, I would set my DVR if I were you and I didn’t already have to watch that one for this annoying job.

Speaking of DVRs, did you enjoy reading the instruction manual that came with yours?  If so, you’ll love Manual Labor, our new “Weirdo Wednesday” drama about the people who love the people who write manuals for common electronic appliances.  I bet, just from the title, that someone in that show is going to get pregnant.  Maybe everyone is.  Maybe that’s the whole point.  It’s all about kids these days, isn’t it?  Who cares that some of us are too busy focusing on our careers to worry about our personal lives. Unfortunately, these blurbs don’t write themselves.

Did you know that only two people in the world have ever trekked to the North Pole without access to supplies?  And neither of them is Ralph, the one-named star of his own sitcom coming to “Thursday is Her’s Day!” nights.  You know what else he’s never done?  Told me anything about the show. Sometimes this job puts the “less” in “thankless.”

Okay, what happens when you combine a circus clown and a certified tax preparer?  No one’s quite sure, but it’s definitely not Tundra, the new reality show about life for sixteen strangers in a rainforest.  Why’s it called Tundra when it takes place in a rainforest?  How should I know?  They never got back to me with any information, either.

One man, one woman, but only three shoes — on There Aren’t Enough Shoes, based on a British Fish-and-Chips-channel original that no one watched there either. You may recognize one of the shoes… if you were there when they filmed the show.  Otherwise, you probably won’t.

Did you like waiting at baggage claim the last time you flew on an airplane?  I probably wouldn’t, even if they let me travel for this stupid job, which they don’t.  But if you did, you’re in luck, because every baggage claim carousel in the U.S. has been filmed for a ten-day marathon of World’s Craziest Suitcases, to premiere on our “Sunday is Garbage Night” lineup.  What could be better than crazy suitcases?  Apparently not the great idea I pitched my bosses last year, about a handsome, humble marketing copywriter who finds love, wins the approval of his parents, and saves the world from an invasion of alien quarterbacks.

You know what?  Last– and I mean last– is a show about a man who’s just sick of all this.  I Quit is about a man, named Bill I. Quit (obviously), who walks out of the office for the last time, goes home, and throws his television out the window.  Of course, it hits a talking elephant and the guy gets sued, and ends up writing manuals for common electronic appliances — and, in the end, is still all alone.

For more of Jeremy Blachman’s work, follow him on Twitter @jeremyblachman or check out jeremyblachman.com.