The Total Insanity Workout


Are you ready for the TOTAL INSANITY workout? This isn’t for the faint of heart or weak of mind; we’re going to send you straight to the “loony bin” with our patented “crazy” exercise regimen:

First, drop and do fifty pushups, then repeat the set without resting. Next, ingest a cocktail of pills developed by Nicaragua’s Sandinista Popular Army in 1982. By now you should be breathing heavily and hearing voices. That means you’re getting a solid core workout in addition to—and this is important, especially for the ladies—the first signs of a schizoid break.

Hey, Schwarzenegger: those beach muscles are good for nothing unless you’re flexible, so you’re going to stretch with a resistance band for two hours as we play iconic metal band Anthrax at one hundred and twenty decibels over a distorted baritone repeating the words “You do not really exist.”

Think forty weighted pull-ups are tough? Well, get psyched to try them on electrolytic water spiked with our own special blend of liquid opium, crushed-up Molly, and sizzurp. In no time at all you’ll be feeling the burn, and an alternate dimension of reality.

At this point you will sign an indemnity agreement acknowledging your responsibility for any loss of cerebellar functioning that may or may not result from the TOTAL INSANITY workout.

Then, as you squeeze a strength ball to develop a pair of vein-popping forearms, we strap you to an Olympic bench and clamp your eyelids open while screening M, Fritz Lang’s 1931 German expressionist film about a child murderer. If you ever stop, we’ll gather all your family and friends together to scream at you that nothing outside of your thoughts is real, and, therefore, neither are your thoughts themselves. (If you don’t stop, we’ll recruit only the family members.)

Look who’s about to become a real “health nut” as we intubate and force-feed you a protein-packed, low-carb gruel containing a nearly invisible microchip that disrupts the neurotransmitters and compromises your short-term memory and linguistic centers to help you achieve our three trademark goals: shedding body fat, gaining lean muscle, and babbling.

Time for a lil’ hypnosis under heavy sedation by horse tranquilizers—whoops, not so fast, Usain Bolt!—only after you run ten miles without hydration in a ninety-six-degree gymnasium around an obstacle course composed of life-size cardboard cutouts of everyone who’s ever been unkind to you. This is routinely considered our most effective cardio exercise by program graduates who retain the ability to communicate via crude hand signals.

Do jumping jacks for ninety minutes as we perform a frontal lobotomy on you with our resident YouTube-trained “surgeon,” Vince.

If you’ve survived the TOTAL INSANITY workout by this point, you’ve likely become nonverbal, have no recollection of your identity, and possess a rockin’ bod. You deserve a break: put your feet up, relax, and sip a recovery smoothie as you sway to a comforting rhythm in your straitjacket and mattress-walled room. TOTAL INSANITY isn’t just a health program; it’s a way of psychiatrically surveilled life. Now, drop and give me fifty, you imaginary construct!

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