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CHAPTER 1

ACT ONE

The entire play takes place on the single set of a bachelor's attractive living room. There's an expensive collection of cigarette lighters prominently displayed. Ted is wearing his business suit after a day's work. The play begins as he opens the front door. When he flicks on a switch, bright lights glare and loud music blares. He lowers the volume and helps Cameron take off her coat.

CAMERON Wow! What a place. Are you sure your parents don't live here?

TED If they do, I don't know anything about it.

CAMERON So this is Westminster Abbey or — What's the name of this building again? The Buckingham Palace?

TED Windsor Castle.

CAMERON(Gazing at the view out an imaginary window downstage) Oh, I can actually see the river — it's so sensual. (Ted sits down casually) Now, you said you were just going to get another jacket and we were out of here.

TED But look! (Pointing out the window) It's definitely going to rain.

CAMERON Even if it's raining, let's go back to the bar. I want to get drunk as a skunk and not remember a thing of what I'm going to do.

TED(Going to his bar) What d'you drink?

CAMERON Ummm — Diet Coke with a twist of citrus skin.

TED I thought you wanted to get skunk drunk.

CAMERON You know what I could really go for now?

TED Tell me.

CAMERON A bite, I'm ravished.

TED Fine. How about some Chinese food?

CAMERON That would be perfect.

TED I know a good place that delivers.

CAMERON Actually, Chinese is so ordinary, isn't it? Let's go out for something exotic, like, I don't know, Croation.

TED(Picking up a phone book) Restaurants — where did you come up with that idea?

CAMERON There was a place in Marseilles I would go to when I was studying.

TED(Flips through the phone book) Studying what?

CAMERON Acting. I'm an actress.

TED Why does anyone become an actress? It seems more an insecurity than a profession.

CAMERON Please, let's not go into it.

TED(Finally finding a restaurant listed) Croatian. One that delivers. Bingo! I love New York.

CAMERON(Abruptly) I'm not hungry anymore.

TED You certainly are an impulse slave.

CAMERON Know what I'd really like?

TED Just say it.

CAMERON I'd like to bring you back to my apartment so I can get some sexy lingerie.

TED Sexy lingerie? Wow!

CAMERON Why wow?

TED I don't know, I just met you. You're going a bit fast for me.

CAMERON Well, you said it yourself, I'm impulsive.

TED What size are you?

CAMERON Eight, why?

Ted leaves the room. She slips one of his antique cigarette lighters in her purse. He returns with a suitcase filled with sexy lingerie, which he opens before her.

TEDVoilà! All in size eight.

CAMERON(Holding them up, one at a time) Where the hell did you get this?! What kind of person are you?

TED It's not what you think. A friend of mine from Winnipeg sells them retail. This is his sample case.

CAMERON Oh. Well, what don't you have?

TED A beautiful woman who loves me.

CAMERON That's not really what you want, is it?

TED It's central.

CAMERON(Sarcastic) Sex is a wonderful gesture of love.

TED I suppose it can be.

CAMERON A big handsome brute like you, a showy place like this — you must win over a lot of the ladies.

TED Just you, I've been waiting for you.

CAMERON(Antagonistically) Where'd you read that, The Cinderella Complex? You don't have to make me feel special.

TED Why do I have this strange feeling that something's off?

CAMERON What's off? You're the guy.

TED What does that mean?

CAMERON Well, you're kind of the one in control. I haven't read about any recent cases of female rapists or murderers. Ted Bundy wasn't a woman. And your name's Ted.

TED(Sighs) What was your original question? Have I had a lot of ladies up here? I've had my share.

CAMERON How many is your share?

TED A harem load.

CAMERON Any boys in that harem?

TED What's the matter?

CAMERON Nothing.

TED Why do I sense hostility?

CAMERON Hostility? (Smiles) I have no reason to be hostile. You've never impregnated me, or screwed and then dumped me, or harassed me on the street.

TED And I'd be disgusted with any guy that would.

CAMERON Asking if you've ever slept with guys during these plague years is a fair question.

TED I suppose it is.

CAMERON Maybe I did feel a bit insecure, though. I mean, I approached you and picked you up. That puts me at a disadvantage.

TED Oh, don't —

CAMERON Then, soon as I came in, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off —

TED Oh, don't —

CAMERON — and looked at the place all excited, like I was the first, last, and only girl you brought here. And maybe you thought that I thought that maybe if I can please you, all this can be mine —

TED Oh no I didn't. I mean, that really didn't occur to me.

CAMERON In New York, an attractive apartment is very thrilling.

TED I know.

CAMERON I just feel uncomfortable being in your place and all. Do you have a car?

TED No.

CAMERON If you take me by cab to the Brooklyn Bridge right now — I'm not sure why, but if you take me there right this instant — (Gives him a gentle kiss on his lips)

TED I've got a balcony.

CAMERON This is different. When you climax it's like being in heaven.

TED Climax? I'd probably fall into the river.

CAMERON Come on. It'll be one of those nights that you'll remember all your life. But we have to hurry. (Checks her watch) It'll be something to remember when you're in your office sweating like a pig.

TED (Starts carressing her) I really don't want to go out.

CAMERON Why not?

TED I don't know. I can just see something weird happening, like getting mugged with my pants down. Something awful.

CAMERON I'll protect you. Let's go. (She rushes out the door; when he doesn't follow, she returns a moment later) Teddy, have you ever made love in public?

TED No. That's another thing. I don't think I could be nude outside.

CAMERON Well, you can still be dressed. All you got to do is unzip. (Unzips his zipper and kisses him again) You'll be in complete control.

TED How do you mean?

CAMERON The more dressed person is always in control.

TED What's this control thing?

CAMERON(Starts walking toward the door again) Let's go.

TED(Makes a motion to go, but stops) But you know, when we first left the bar, you pretty strongly inferred that we'd do it.

CAMERON Yeah, outside. I expressly said outside.

TED Look, this really isn't fair.

CAMERON(Sarcastically) 'Course not, you should be able to have sex with me. I should lie down submissively —

TED Hold it. You approached me. You bought me a beer. You flirted with me, and you suggested leaving the bar and going somewhere romantic.

CAMERON I didn't think you'd try to fuck me in your apartment.

TED They've been doing it that way for years. (Angrily) Now I don't want to anymore.

CAMERON Calm down. You're taking all this too seriously. (She chuckles, then leans over, hugs and kisses his neck; he turns and tries to kiss her back) Whoa, cowboy! (Pulls away, and he sighs) Look, I feel bad about all this. It's just that — how can I say it? Nowadays, one has to be —

TED It's AIDS, isn't it?

CAMERON Oh, right! AIDS!

TED Here. (Locates and holds up a framed document and a cigar box) I just got it back from the laminator. (She reads) Test negative. Also — (Opens the cigar box filled with condoms of all types) the Havana cigars of latex condoms. You won't find a lambskin in there. Even though lambskin are more expensive, they're semi-permeable. Also read that. (Points to the back of a condom)

CAMERON Spermicide additive?

TED State of the art. Nothing but the best. But just in case, I also have — (Pulls out a tube) Nonoxynol-9. The Dom Perignon of spermicides. (Slowly starts undoing his tie) I never had a gay experience. (Starts unbuttoning his shirt) Never had sex with an IV user —

CAMERON But you said we'd go — (There is a banging on the wall, it sounds as if it's from a neighboring apartment) All I want — (Banging intensifies) is to go for a walk. What is that?

TED Neighbors. It's dangerous out there. (She starts getting worried, he gets closer and more comforting) You're not from the city, are you?

CAMERON No. Let's get out of here —

TED(Starts unbuttoning her blouse) After the rain stops.

The banging grows louder, then we hear a muffled voice.

OSSIP (Offstage) Keep it down!

TED Dare they be referring to us?

CAMERON(Sighs, resigned) Who knows? This is New York.

TED I came from Oregon in 1983. Portland. But I'm originally from California.

CAMERON My parents moved out here in the 1960s from Lowell, Mass.

OSSIP(Offstage) Stop the damned noise! I'm trying to sleep!

TED They're talking about us! I can't believe it. I paid a quartermillion for this place, only to have some asshole move next door —

CAMERON Take it easy. I don't think it's coming from next door.

They both listen in suspense.

OSSIP(Offstage) Keep down that damned racket! I'm trying to sleep!

TED SO GO TO SLEEP, ASSHOLE!

OSSIP(Offstage) I can't!

TED SO IT AIN'T MY FAULT!

OSSIP(Offstage) You're keeping me up!

TED TRY SLEEPING PILLS!

OSSIP(Offstage) I don't take pills!

TED Do you hear this guy?

CAMERON DRINK WARM MILK AND MAKE THE FIGURE EIGHT WITH YOUR PUPILS!

OSSIP(Distant, hollering) I DON'T HAVE PUPILS!

CAMERON Just ignore him.

TED I can't.

CAMERON Let's go out.

TED I'm not going to be chased out of my own apartment.

OSSIP(Banging on the door) Open this door!

TED(Panicky) Oh shit!

CAMERON Where's the back door?! I'm getting out of here.

TED(Nervously zipping up his pants and buttoning his shirt) Take it easy. This is a civilized building. (Grabs a tennis racket and throws open the door; a fiery orthodox Jewish man is standing there in a bathrobe, holding a white tool bag) Who are you?

OSSIP(Steps in and drops the tool bag) I am your downstairs neighbor trying to get some sleep.

TED You live in this building?

OSSIP And why not?

TED I just thought of this as a young person's building.

OSSIP Great, you insult me twice in a row, and you'll probably live directly above me until I die. There goes the golden peace of my old age. (Enters, inspecting the living room until he comes to Cameron) Who are you, the wife?

CAMERON No.

OSSIP Well, account for yourself!

TED Look, what's the problem?

CAMERON You're from that fanatical sect that has all those sexist prayers like, "Thank God I'm not a woman."

Ossip ignores them both. He walks around the living room, continuing to inspect it.

TED Was the music too loud?

OSSIP Calm down.

TED What was keeping you awake?

OSSIP I was awake from the word go, I never go to sleep anymore. The last good night's sleep I got was in 1967. (Heads to the window) My God, you can't even see Broadway from here anymore. Downstairs I can see right to the El on the Bowery.

CAMERON The what?

OSSIP I mean, I can see the Bowery.

While Ossip looks out the window, Cameron steals another lighter and slips it into her purse. Surreptitiously, throughout the play, she continues to steal small objects and bric-a-brac from Ted's apartment.

TED The Bowery, you mean the avenue?

OSSIP Sure.

TED Wait a second. (Points out the window) That building is blocking your view.

OSSIP No it isn't.

TED It blocks the view for me, and you live below me. Explain that!

CAMERON(With coat in hand) We were just about to go for a walk. So you can go back downstairs and sleep.

TED No we weren't.

Cameron tosses her coat on the sofa.

OSSIP(To Cameron) You had your chance. It's too late now.

TED Too late!? Look, I'm sorry. What's your name?

OSSIP Ossip Bergman.

CAMERON You sure you're not related to the director Ingmar Bergman?

OSSIP I said no.

TED She never asked you that.

CAMERON Yeah, I never asked you that.

OSSIP Everybody asks me. I'm sorry, dear, you didn't ask me, but please. Please don't ask me again. (Sighs) I'm sorry, but I have sensitivity. See, my family changed their name from Bergofsky to Bergman because German Jews were regarded more highly than Russian Jews when they got here and — (Notices the sofa) You want some unsolicited advice, maybe?

TED Not right now —

OSSIP Move this couch over there. A key improvement. You help me.

Cameron grabs one side of the sofa and shoves it with him. At the same time, someone begins banging from downstairs.

TED Hey, what is this?

OSSIP It's okay. That's just my wife, Irma. (Screams) I LOVE YOU TOO, IRM! (The banging stops)

CAMERON Shouldn't the coffee table be moved if you're going to move that? (She moves it)

TED(Muttering) I don't believe this.

OSSIP And that lamp table.

CAMERON Just try it. It'll look a lot better.

TED Stop it! You must go now.

CAMERON Okay. (Rises to go)

TED Not you, him!

OSSIP Me?

TED(Grabs Ossip and escorts him to the door) I'll keep quieter, and see you at the next tenant's meeting.

OSSIP Oh, you think the noise was keeping me up? No, it wasn't that. It was the leak.

TED The leak?

OSSIP Yes, drip drop, drip drop, right on my bed.

TED Where's the leak?

OSSIP On my head.

TED Look, show me where in this apartment there's a leak!

OSSIP I don't know, let me see. Can it be in here? (Walks into the bedroom, offstage)

TED What's the idea, helping him push my furniture around?

CAMERON If we amuse him maybe he'll leave.

OSSIP(Offstage) You know, this bed would look a lot better against that wall.

We hear furniture being moved in the bedroom and a vase shatters.

TED Shit! Call the police. This guy's loony.

CAMERON They'd just laugh. He's a lonely old man. Talk to him.

OSSIP(Offstage) No leak in here. (Reentering, he taps on the floor with his shoe like a prospector)

TED So, where is it?

OSSIP I'm trying to remember. (The pounding from below resumes) YES, IT'S OKAY, IRMA! I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU, DEAR! I'm trying to remember what my apartment used to look like.

TED This isn't your apartment. You live downstairs. That's why you don't recognize it.

OSSIP I know that, you nitwit! My apartment is completely different from yours. It's half the size. And (Points to Ted's living room) this gas jet over here —

CAMERON This what jet?

OSSIP It's capped now, but this was the kitchen. And the bathtub was in the hall.

CAMERON In your hall?

OSSIP I mean, it is there.

TED Your bathtub is in the hallway?

OSSIP Yes. (Looking confused) We shared it with the Morris family. We'd boil the water — the girl's hour was always longer. It was very uncomfortable for us.

CAMERON The girl's hour?

TED How many of you are there?

OSSIP Well, there's Ira, Sarah, Moishe, Abe. Abe was born here, and Lydia —

CAMERON(Whispering) He's senile.

OSSIP Fifteen, including Mom, Dad, and Grandpa.

TED What?

CAMERON Your parents are dead.

TED How do you know?

OSSIP That's right, Miss Know-it-all. Jehovah doesn't bless everyone with death.

CAMERON(Under her breath) Shame you're not among the blessed.

TED Look, whatever-your-name-is —

OSSIP Ossip. Call me Ozzie. (Shakes Ted's hand)

TED Ossip, it's late. I've got to go to sleep.

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Excerpted from "East Village Tetralogy"
by .
Copyright © 2006 Arthur Nersesian.
Excerpted by permission of Akashic Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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