Table of Contents
Prologue 11
This is What Happens When You Stay Home
1 You Know You're an Un-Mom When … 13
2 If This Is How It Starts, It's Gonna Be a Rough Road 19
3 The Mom's Club: A Necessary Evil? 23
4 That Better Not Be My Reflection 29
5 The Attached Child: Wrap This 35
6 From Bebe to Goodwill: Thou Shalt Be Humbled 43
This is What Happens If You Attempt Escape
7 Planes, Trains, and Somebody Shoot Me 47
8 The Trifecta of Tears 53
9 Ode to the Babysitter 61
10 The Great Outdoors: What Were You Thinking? 67
11 Wintertime with Kids: So This Is What Prison Is Like 73
This is What Happens When They Outgrow Their Pull-Ups
12 Daddy's Watching You Today, and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves 79
13 Thongs and Barney Songs 83
14 Batteries: The Other Gold 89
15 Raising a Teen: Because God Has a Sense of Humor 95
16 Science Projects, Fifth-Grade Math, and Other Reasons the Childless Should Celebrate 101
17 "Mom, We Want a Puppy," and Other Words That Will Ruin Your Life 106
This is What Happens When You've Given Up Perfection
18 The Case of the Strong-Willed Child: I Think My Quiver Is Full 111
19 Breaking the Law with the Kids in the Backseat, and Other Moral Dilemmas 119
20 The Proverbs 31 Wife: Now That's a Bit Much 123
21 The Multitasking Puppeteer: Because Daddy Could Never Pull This Off 127
This is What They'll Expose You To
22 The Playdate Heard 'Round the World 133
23 Children's Parties: Where Saturdays Go to Die 137
24 Carnivals, Cub Scouts, and Circle Time: Proof of Your Devotion 143
25 Wanted: Mom Friend with a Tolerance for Filth 147
26 My Little Men 155
This is Why We Have 'Em
27 Stopping to Smell the Roses … Even When They're Eating Them 161
28 Things I Said I'd Never Do … and Then I Had Kids 165
29 For the Single Mommies: Well, at Least You Chose Life 171
Enough of this Foolishness … Bring on the Takeaways!
30 Don't Forget Your Prayer Closet 175
31 Motherhood, Your Art Form 179
32 Our Crowns in Heaven Just Might Be Made of Plastic 185
33 Your Gorgeous Gut 189
34 Let It Go 192
35 If It Ain't Broke … 197
36 Six Things We Learn about God through Having Kids 201
Afterword 205
Acknowledgments 206
