Table of Contents

Foreword ix

Introduction xii

Step 1 Create Connection 1

Connection Is King 2

Thirty-Six Questions That Will Make Your Partner Fall in Love with You 3

Attachment Needs from Cradle to Grave 5

The Culture of Autonomy 8

Attachment Threats 9

Danger, Will Robinson 13

Benefits of Attachment 14

Developing and Maintaining Trust 16

Take the High Road 18

Become an Expert on Your Partner 21

Ten Ways to Foster Connection in Your Relationship 24

Connection Deal Breakers 34

Invest Time and Energy in Your Relationship 35

Step 2 Fight Fair 39

The Four Core Relationship Needs 41

The Honeymoon Is Over 42

Ten Reasons Why You Think You Are Fighting 42

The Ten Real Reasons Why You Are Fighting 51

Why Fight Fair? 65

Twelve Rules to Fight Fair 68

Twelve Tips for Communicating Better and Deescalating Conflict 71

Anger Management 101 75

Domestic Violence 78

I Can Stop Any Time I Want: Addiction 78

All's Fair in Love and War 80

Step 3 Negotiate 81

Let the Negotiating Begin 81

Conflict in Long-Term Relationships 83

Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself: Why You Can't Fear Conflict 83

Beginning a Difficult Negotiation 85

Stop! In the Name of Love: Ten Things That Prevent Healthy Negotiations 88

Spheres of Influence 106

More Than a Feeling 107

Six Skills You Need to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship 110

Step 4 Work Through Your Childhood 119

Parents Are Our First Mirrors 120

Why We Marry Our Parents and Why It Hurts So Much 123

Your Imago 124

Family Systems 101 127

But That's How You Discipline a Kid! 131

How Trauma Changes Us 134

Trauma and Intimacy 138

The Five Abuses 139

Everyone Is Here But No One Is Home 151

Victim No More: Moving Past Your Childhood and Having a Healthy Relationship 167

Step 5 Forgive and Make Amends 175

Get Off Your High Horse 176

It's Not Personal 177

Relationship Crimes and Misdemeanors 181

Part A The Four Rs of Apology 183

After the Action Plan 195

Part B Your Contribution 196

To Forgive or Not to Forgive, That Is the Question 202

Cheap Forgiveness 203

What Is Forgiveness Anyway? 205

Being a "Human Bean" 206

What to Do When You Want to Forgive But Can't 208

Bottom Line 212

Is This Really Closure? 214

Step 6 Ignite Your Sex Life 217

Mind-Blowing Sex 219

Ten Things You Need to Know Before You Blow, Kiss, Lick, or Have Sex 220

In Defense of Monogamy 271

Monogamy, Not Monotony 277

Happy Endings 277

Appendix A 36 Questions 279

Appendix B Sexual Inventory 282

References 299

Acknowledgments 326

Index 329