"This book is a hilarious romp of true life (unfortunately). Read it and prepare for your next date."James Van Praagh, New York Times bestselling author, Talking to Heaven
"Every story is the truth and every truthful moment is a hilarious journey! It's as if you're listening to your best friend at a coffee shop and watching a standup take command of the stage. You won't be disappointed as you travel this refreshingly funny road of 'horrible dates!'"Debra Wilson, actress/comedian, MADtv
"Eddie's book is an emotional catharsis for anyone who has ever come home from one horrible date and wondered, What the hell was that? This book is laugh–out–loud hilarious and extremely well written."Chad Allen, writer, producer, actor, activist
What I have to tell you in this book will seem almost unreal. But you are going to have to keep reminding yourself that these are actual real dates.
- For everyone who can empathize and knows what it's like to be on at lease one crappy date, this book is for you.
- For everyone who wants that dinner back or sat through a boring, horrible movie only to determine that the person you were with was a complete and utter tsunami, this book is for you.
For everyone else, buckle your seat belt and turn off your phone, because a massive car wreck is about to begin.
|Product dimensions:||5.00(w) x 7.00(h) x 0.69(d)|
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
On a balmy, breezy Friday night in the winter of 1994, I pulled up to Tim's house for our first date. I was driving my maroon 1993 Toyota Celica with the sunroof tilted up to look sporty. I drove that car around Los Angeles with the pride of a tiger. I had my car washed that day so that it would sparkle like a marquise diamond, and I had the car wash add "new car" scent air freshener, which surprisingly works.
I was looking as good as I possibly could in my black button-down shirt and faded jeans with deliberately ripped holes in the knees. I was wearing edgy sneakers to seem laid-back and hip. My hair was as spiky as I could make it. I had the confidence of a bull charging a matador's red cape.
The omnipresent Los Angeles palm trees were swaying gently in the wind, like a Las Vegas showgirl's headdress center stage. The trees appeared to dance, and the rustling branches created a sound that was soothing and relaxing. It was just windy enough to blow the smog away.
It was a very clear night-the operative word being clear because the air in Los Angeles is rarely clear. When the air is clear in LA, it puts true Angelenos in a great mood and almost everyone comes across as nearly friendly-almost human. Calm down, I said almost!
I had been looking forward to my date all day long. Not working the day before gave me plenty of time to go the gym, get a haircut, and drink plenty of water so that my skin looked fantastic. Unfortunately, having the day off before this date gave me way too much time to fantasize how great he might be. I was happy. I was excited. Too excited.
It took me forty-five minutes to drive six miles to Tim's house, so I really had to pee when I arrived. Going anywhere in a car in LA is quite often a mini road trip. I figured I could hold my bladder until we got to the restaurant. From the curb, Tim's house was charming, extremely well kempt, and manicured, which pleasantly surprised me.
I called Tim from my console-mounted car phone (hey, it was 1994), and he came out, looking more attractive than I remembered. The reason I didn't remember Tim well is because I had met him at a bar, and I was really drunk at the time. (So perhaps he didn't remember what I looked like also?) Oh well, too late. Whatever he remembered, as he walked toward my car, all I could think was, This guy is hot!
It seemed like it took him an hour to get to my car, as if he were walking in slow motion. I was thinking of so many things. I bet he's witty, smart, good in bed. And hopefully he has a huge penis. (Hey, let's face it; no one hopes that a guy has a small dick.)
With those visions still floating around in my head (like soap bubbles with tiny little fairy godmothers inside them), Tim opened my car door, plopped down, and before he could even close the door...he farted.
My imaginary soap bubbles quickly popped like nuclear explosions. The fairy godmothers shrieking out in horror as Tim let one rip with the roar of a ferocious lion defending its young. This was not a petite little quiet fart that easily could have been passed off as a leather seat noise, but a loud, horrendous, male fart. The kind of fart a bunch of guys watching the Super Bowl do on purpose to make each other laugh.
I didn't know what to do next. I froze up, deadpan expression, like a person on a diet caught going into the refrigerator at 2:00 a.m. Should I have pretended like I was sleepwalking?
I made the split-second decision to ignore Tim's form of nonverbal communication. At which point Tim chimed in with, "I had a bean burrito for lunch."
I was completely silent. My mouth was wide open as I stared directly ahead, my nostrils internally closed off at prison lockdown.
I had a gut feeling this night would not end well.
Tim closed the door and I thought, Oh my god, how the hell do I carefully and discreetly roll down the windows? So many thoughts were going through my head. This time, my thoughts were not fantastical. I was perplexed. I was offended. And...I also thought it was funny. But I didn't know what the social filter would be for addressing a first date, first impression, first fart together.
At last I decided to ignore it and drive on. Hey, we all make mistakes, right? He was probably more embarrassed than I was.
I decided to ignore the entire incident, until...
Ten minutes later, while we were still driving to dinner, Tim leaned back, lifted up his knees with his hands, looked over at me, farted again, and said, "Take that."
I had an internal freak-out. I started wondering, Could I sue? He was on my leather seats, which I suddenly valued much more than I valued him. I had also gone out of my way to have my car smell like a new car. Conversely, this douche-lord was going out of his way to have my car smell like his lunch.
What a pig.
Although the date was not physically over, it was mentally over. I realized I was about to head into a parallel universe for the night where no one (except oneself) ever makes sense. Moreover, I felt like I was caught in one of those hidden-camera-show moments where the whole show is based on my reaction, except there was no camera and no show.
We went to dinner and all I could think about was-you guessed it-the fart. He was talking about his siblings, his mom, his job, and all I could hear and see and smell were a couple of big farts. They say first impressions last a lifetime, so how could we have any future together? I looked at the bright side-it was Friday night and I wasn't at home alone watching old episodes of Bewitched on TV Land. So instead of abandoning the date, I thought, Two can play this game, and I began to eat my own body weight in food. He wanted to act like a pig, so I would show him I was up for the challenge. Unfortunately, my overeating did not phase him at all.
It was clear Tim was missing a few marbles-the important ones that change the game.
I will spare you the boring dinner details. However, I did make him pay the bill.
When we got back to his place, I was prepared to come to a slow roll and push him out. However, I decided to just act civil.
I came to a stop and quickly said, "I have to wake up early." And in the middle of my sentence he had the nerve to lean in for a kiss.
I made the instantaneous decision to go ahead and let him kiss me, and I reciprocated. I thought this could be his last chance for him to make me forget about the rest of the entire evening. That didn't happen. The kiss was terrible and sloppy and wet, a little bit like what it might be like to make out with a thirsty elephant. Thankfully, the kiss did not cause him to continue with his ridiculous anal outbursts.
He got out of my car and I was happy to see him go.
Tim called me the next day and left a voicemail message: "Hey, Eddie, I had a great time last night, when are you taking me out-" I pressed the delete button as fast as I could.
I saw Tim out several weeks later at a restaurant in Los Feliz and told my friends who were with me the story. From then on we decided to always refer to him as Inflatulation.
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
The First Date
A Word of Warning
About the Author
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Without any doubts i would go see this book as a movie. I honestly cant remember laughing so hard at any book i have ever read. I have only been to los angeles once but Eddie's jokes towards angelinos is 100% true but hes not mean hes just SO SO FUNNY. "The grass seems so green here but you have to remember its growing from dirt". This book is edgy, and the date nicknames are on the money laugh out loud.
The stories in this little book will resonate with anyone who has EVER gone out on a date. You will relive those moments through the eyes of someone else - and you will LAUGH like it is you - because it is. It's all of us.
Amazing! The dates seem almost unbelievable they are so bad! Great book! Couldn't put the book down!
So funny!! I wasn't prepared to laugh out loud! Reading it in public got me some weird looks, I just pointed to the book. It's a good time!
OMG ! SO FUNNY! PAGE X PAGE ! Page after page, I laughed and laughed. Having just gone through a nasty divorce, this is just what I needed. I needed to know that I wasn't the only person in the world that always sees the flash of goodness in each person that we initially meet. Too bad that it often ends as a flash-in-the-pan ! Oh well...laughter is the best medicine...right ?!? I bought 20 copies for all of my fellow, hopeful friends who look back and laugh at their own adventures. Hope there is a V2 in the makes ! Got lotsa stories to contribute, if author is interested !!!
This book is absolutely hilarious! I loved it and I think it's a great book to read with a few friends and discuss all the funny moments. It's a very new and fresh perspective on dating and who all things could go completely wrong. I highly recommend this book to everyone who is ready to have a great time reading!
This book is absolutely hilarious! The stories are told in a witty R-rated style that I couldn't get enough of! Read it!
HILARIOUS!!!! Laughed out loud and could not put this book down! The dates made me glad I was married! They could make a comedy series out of these dates...of course the series would have to be on cable and rated MA, but sure to be a hit!