• techniques and creative ideas for bondage, spanking, flogging, sensation play, rough sex and more
• lessons on how to eroticize power, cultivate deeper connections and incorporate kink into your sex life
• role-playing fantasies from the popular to the taboo
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About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Myth: Kinky desires are not normal.
We have to stop thinking of kink as something abnormal or perverse and instead recognize it as part of a broad spectrum of desires. We should not put moral judgments on people who like certain kinds of sex. Imagine if we did that with nonkinky sex. Why does he like the doggie-style position so much? Why doesn’t she enjoy receiving oral sex more? Questions like those sound ridiculous, because we accept that some people like this, other people like that, and plenty of people like both. If it turns you on, you’re doing it with consenting adults, you’re not breaking laws or ruining your own life or someone else’s, just stop worrying and go for it. Life’s too short to second-guess your desires and what they might mean about you.
Communicating With Your Partner
The truth behind these myths is an important piece in your own journey of self- discovery and can help you embrace your newfound kinky fantasies. Once you get more comfortable with them, you may begin to imagine some scenes you’ve read about or watched in a film become a part of your real sex life. You think about what it might be like to spank your partner or be someone’s sex slave, but how do you begin? First, you need to share your fantasies with your partner, which I realize is sometimes easier said than done. But the only way you will have the opportunity to explore these desires is if you put yourself out there and tell your partner what you really want. Communication is a crucial component of an empowered and fulfilling sex life. There are a number of different ways you can do it, and it all depends on your communication style.
Be direct. The success of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has inspired a new open dialogue about kink among many different kinds of people, and the books are a great way to start the conversation. “So, I read this book, and it turned me on, and I’d like to try some of the stuff with you,” is about as direct as you can get. While you’re being so direct, you can also get specific; you can say,
“One of the things in the book that really got me going was [fill in your favorite: bondage, role play, blindfolds, candles, etc.].” You can also talk about how you might like something different: “In the book, Christian uses a riding crop on Anastasia’s vulva, but I think I’d like you to try using it on my butt cheeks instead.” Give your partner the space to listen, and tell him he does not have to respond right away if he doesn’t want to. If beginning that directly scares you, try the following techniques first and work your way up to a more explicit discussion.
Write it down. If talking about your desires face-to-face with your partner makes you feel shy, intimidated, or overwhelmed, you could write her a note. Handwritten notes are a rarity these days, so it should get his attention. You can use the same direct approach, but put it on paper, then slip the note to her. Or you can email him a note (as long as it’s not to a work email account!). Sending a handwritten or emailed note gives you a chance to compose your thoughts and takes any pressure off the situation; it gives her the opportunity to digest the new information and respond when she’s ready. As a bonus, it could spark a series of erotic notes you write back and forth to each other about exactly what you want to do together.
Use the book. If you’re not quite sure how to express your desires, let the book that inspired you do it for you. Select some of your favorite passages and print out or photocopy those pages, highlight the particularly incendiary sections, and include them with your note. Bonus points for underlining, color coding certain activities, writing in the margins, or creating your own footnotes.
When many people recall their first experience of bondage, it usually reaches all the way back to childhood. As part of cops-and-robbers or similar kids’ games, someone had to be restrained at some point. You’d grab a necktie, belt, scarf, or something else from one of your parents’ closets and tie up the bad guys. Some people look back on those experiences as fun memories. Bondage enthusiasts usually remember the first time they were tied up (or tied someone else up) with a lot more detail and glee.
For grown ups, bondage is an erotic activity with endless possibilities. If you’ve ever held down your lover’s hands while you were having sex or pinned a partner down to the bed with your body, then you’ve practiced a form of bondage. Bondage is incredibly versatile and can cover lots of erotic territory, from teasing to torment, and everything in between. It’s an ideal vehicle to explore power dynamics, since restraining someone embodies dominance, control, power, and authority. And being restrained is a way to submit, surrender, and give oneself over to another.
There are some basic rules for bondage that apply to anything you use to restrain someone or bind a part of their body. Whether it’s Velcro, a belt with a buckle, or a knot, you should always make sure whatever you put someone in is
safe. First, always have a pair of safety scissors nearby, in case you have to get someone out of bondage very quickly. Safety scissors have a blunt-edged blade to prevent injury when the scissors are held against skin. They’re available in most drugstores.
Whether you tie them in bows or fancy knots, cuffs around the ankles and wrist should be snug but not too tight; you should be able to put two fingers between the item and the person’s skin. You never want bondage to put too much strain on parts of the body; the person won’t be able to be in that bondage for very long. Better to make your captive more comfortable, so she or he can stay tied up for as long as you want! You should also check in periodically with your partner to make sure that everything still feels okay. If the person in bondage feels pain, tingling, or numbness, take the restraint off immediately.
Table of Contents
Introduction: Fifty More Shades
1. Embrace Your Inner Kinkster: Myths, Truths, and Communication 2. BDSM Basics: Terms, Roles, and Principles
3. Dominant/Submissive Role Play
4. Sexual Power Games: Pleasure and Orgasm Control
5. Sensory Deprivation: Blindfolds, Hoods, and Earplugs
6. Sensation Play: Massage Oil Candles, Nipple Clamps, and More 7. Bondage: Basics and DIY
8. More Bondage: Restraints, Bondage Tape, Gags, and Collars
9. Smack! Spanking, Paddles, and Crops
10. Smack Harder: Floggers and Canes
11. Rough Sex
Epilogue: Fifty Items for Your Toy Bag Appendix: Reading List
About the Author
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
This book is thankfully nothing like 50 Shades of Gray. It's informative and thorough and debunks all the myths flying around about BDSM relationships thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray phenomenon. Tristan really knows her stuff and has amazing advice for every aspect of kink. If you're just a beginner or have been a kinkster for years you'll find something in this book that you didn't know before.
Not only did I learn some new tips and tricks from 50 Shades of Kink, but I was able to do so in an easily approachable way. Tristan Taormino gives great advice in a way that is easy to comprehend for beginners. This seriously helped my relationship and gave me the tools and confidence to feel comfortable in the bedroom.
I am always reluctant with any titles that include "50 shades" in the beginning, but for this book, I think it's appropriate. Because there were so much misguided information given in 50 Shades of Gray, Tristan Taormino's 50 Shades of Kink is a good remedy for those who are interested in trying but rightfully do not trust a work of fiction to tell you what bdsm is really like.