500 Acres and No Place to Hide: More Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl

500 Acres and No Place to Hide: More Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl

by Susan McCorkindale


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The hilarious follow-up to the memoir, Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl.

It's been four years since Susan's husband dragged her kicking and screaming from their comfortable, big city East Coast life to a farm in Virginia cattle country. Susan's adjusting as best she can, which isn't easy considering she's been known to wear Manolos in manure. She'll never be a real farm girl, but as readers will see from her side- splitting confessions, she's faking it just fine.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780451233363
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date: 08/02/2011
Pages: 368
Product dimensions: 5.30(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.70(d)
Age Range: 18 Years

About the Author

Susan McCorkindale is the author of two memoirs, No Place to Hide: More Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl and Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl. A former marketing director at Family Circle, McCorkindale is now a freelance advertising copywriter in Virginia. She is also the editor of SHE! magazine and a contributor to The Huffington Post. She is a graduate of Marymount Manhattan College.

Table of Contents

Prologue 1

Part 1 Sleepless in Sticksville

Cluckster's Last Stand 7

Staying Abreast in the Boonies 14

Runaround Sue 18

When It Rains, It Paws 29

Dressed to Kill 34

Who Says You Can't Go Home? 42

The Cowpoke Wore Prada 51

Brumfield Follies 55

The Land the Takeout Taxi Forgot 63

Cock-a-Doodle Sue 69

Jeremiah Was a Peeping Tom 79

Supermodel Suzy 87

Part 2 The Counterfeit Farm Girl Gets Real (Counterfeit Farm Girl Style, Of Course)

Calves' Heads and Black Snakes and Groundhogs. Oh, My! 99

Coming around to Country 107

The Mother of All Realities 122

There Oughta Be a Pill 118

Death by Family Time 122

Ah, the Wonders That Await Me in My Whirlpool 126

Suzy Soprano 130

Star of Stage, Screen, and Livestock Exchange 141

My Birthday Means Jack 145

Ain't No Way to Treat the Ladies 153

It's Okay, Phil. You'll Get My Bill 160

Just Another Blue-gened Boy 166

Jammin'with the Jonas Brothers 178

Swan Lake? Not So Much. But Swan Pond Sounds about Right 183

Forbidden in Fauquier 190

Christmas in Cow Country (Or, Suburbanites Deck the Halls, Farm Folk Deck the Heifers) 200

You Say You Want a Resolution 203

Part 3 Will Farm for Love

Will Farm for Love 211

I'd Like to Have a Word John Wayne 214

Failing Caregiving 101 227

Drawing the Line at the Leech 236

Please Don't Squeeze the Stinkbugs 240

The Guilt Is in the Mail(box) 251

Nailing the New Normal 255

Looking for Dick in All the Wrong Places 264

Needy and Not Proud of It 277

Puzzled by Kudzu? Me, Too 281

One Cholecystectomy, Three ERCPs, and Six Dead Chickens Later… 285

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Tree. Not 290

Is That a Poinsettia in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Glad to See Me? 299

Cock-a-Doodle Sue, Part Two 306

Jailbird in a Scruffy Blue Bath Towel 311

Putting My Faith in the Funny Stuff 322

Part 4 Epilogue

500 Acres and No Place to Hide 331

Acknowledgments 349

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500 Acres and No Place to Hide 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 12 reviews.
Angie_R More than 1 year ago
Hang on to your hats! Susan is in the driver's seat again. She stomps the gas with her louboutin's and sets course through the Virginia countryside in a whirlwind of fun. She uses her talent to unravel the inner workings of her relationship with her husband and tosses in some black comedy to soften the brunt of their inevitable loss. She is an expert at pulling you along with her through this memoir that dashes through the mud, and the bugs and the deer (not to mention the chickens, the dogs and the cows) found on the farm. Laughter in the face of tears is good medicine. Susan writes with a clear voice filled with love and affection and you can't help but want to go along for ride of her lifetime.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This book is right up there with Susan's first book. Totally enjoyable fun reading. You will find yourself laughing out loud on more than one occassion while reading this book.
MktgChick More than 1 year ago
What I loved about Susan's first book (Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl) is all still true in her follow-up memoir: 500 Acres and No Place to Hide. As always, her larger-than-life personality illuminates the page, as she hilariously levels with us about trying to do it all and be it all for everyone who crosses her path - even if it's a chicken or a cow. Her tangential footnotes make you feel like she's your best friend whispering her "real thoughts" in your ear, and gives you insight into how simultaneously twisted and tender she really is. So what's different this time? Well, a lot. As the book moves deeper into the story of her life with the "McMen," it becomes clear that Susan knows full-well that funny does not equate happy. Like anyone else on the planet, her life is riddled with serious issues. Unlike anyone else, her perspective on how to move through them is unique, inspiring, humbling and hilarious. If you worry that reading a spoof on life will leave you hungry for a dose of reality, you won't be yearning for long. Buy it, and if you haven't read her first book, you might want to buy that too and start from the beginning. The set is a great gift for your mother, sister, friend - or anyone who is embarking on a new beginning.
TFS93 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
First of all, the footnotes are HORRIBLE!! They distract from the story and make it impossible to follow. I did NOT like this style of writing at all!! The author did include a few funny incidents that happened to her and her family, but as a whole I found the story unexciting. She is a little too descriptive in her writing. I could do without the cursing and the WAY too picturesque comments about cow poop. I did enjoy the writing about her husband and his illness and how she appreciated him and dealt with his illness and how it affected her children. That part was worth reading. If she could change her style of writing, maybe her next book would be better. BUT, if she is going to write with footnotes, I am not reading her next book, and I strongly recommend you skip it also!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
enjoyed this book
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
RtBBlog More than 1 year ago
Review by Lori: When I agreed to read this book, I responded to it because it sounded funny and it called to my sense of humor. I then realized after I agreed to read it that it was a continuation of her previous book Confessions of a Counterfeit Farm Girl. I was immediately filled with trepidation that I wouldn't be able to follow this book, that I would be reading the words, but I would not comprehend what I was reading because I hadn't read the previous book. I have to tell you, no worries about being lost while reading this book. Things are explained, there are no moments where you're totally confused. This book was really entertaining. I mean REALLY entertaining. I have to admit that this would be a book that I would pass over in the bookstore because, really, who wants to read about someone complaining about being someplace they don't want to be? I was in for a pleasent suprise that Susan's comentary about her life on a farm are not whiney, moaney annoying complaints. She was sharp and snarky without sounding like a total b**** and complained without it sounding like some rich snob. I really liked Susan because as you read more and more of her story, you see that she's a wife and a mom who's helping to keep her family on track. She reveals family struggles that need to be dealt with and some very sad news that was brought to light. Without having read the first book, it sounds like Susan has adjusted to living life on the farm and is doing quite nicely!! I think most women could relate to this story, wheather you're a wife or mother or not. After all we all have a story to tell!!! The one complaint that I have is that she has footnotes throughout her story. While the footnotes are helpful little gems, I found them to be distracting. I would read the footnote and then I forgot what I read and had to reread what I read. I felt like I was back in college again!! I'm curious about what happens next and I hope another book will be written. I think I might get the previous book just to find out how this all started!!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Ur a perv ~ enderpaw
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Then come with me. Untill you find your clan you can stay with my friends Kyoclaw and Yukistar at bird lover 7 result. Kyoclaw should be on right now so ill tell him about you then come right back to help you get there ok?
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Is dead