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A Methodical Mental Mind: Poetry from the Soul

A Methodical Mental Mind: Poetry from the Soul

by Amber Lovlie


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The inspiration for my compilation of poetry was to share some of my life experiences with the rest of the world. I've broken the material up into three major components. I start you off with poetry of a more serious nature. Then I take you on an upswing. This is poetry including verses reflecting stories of coming out of the valley. Then there's the final component that just to show my versatility. Some verses are whimsical, maybe even silly. But sometimes a little lightheartedness is needed in one's life. And then finally my last entry is dedicated to my grandmother. I love her because she's like my anchor.

There is great expectations of this writer and author who introduced her book scriptures as a participant and graduate of the 2012 black writers institute. Her subsequent book promotional preview and exhibition book reading at the historical Paul Robeson house museum served as the endevour of Ntozake Shange's a "For Colored Girls" and Sonia Sanchez "Does Your House Have Lions" she writes with warmth and compassion of inheritance forwardness allure of earth wayward stranger love her soul says Yes to engage those Sistergirl friendly-fondness piracy. A Quiet Storm of spitfire - it is this epitaph that she so joins for being unaware of change agency bespeak, breathe and longingness thwarted from otherwise warrant Woman Warrior stands and Thou Art Loosened.
-Maurice Henderson

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Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781463423209
Publisher: AuthorHouse
Publication date: 07/31/2014
Pages: 74
Product dimensions: 6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.18(d)

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A Methodical Mental Mind

Poetry From The Soul

By Amber Lovlie

AuthorHouse LLC

Copyright © 2014 Amber Lovlie
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4634-2320-9



Everyone's a slumber
Up until the aim's wee
Pleasant dreaming with eyes shut
Everyone is, all but me

They lye atop a bed
They act as if it were their own
Make no sounds, yells, or calls
They do not even moan

They prance around the cell
As if their private residence
Out of my element while here
To me....
This really makes no sense

These sheets aren't mine
This blanket's rough
My skin it irritates
Don't know how much more of this madness
That I'm able to take
Keep to myself for the most part
With music in my ear
Will miss baby girls Christmas
And the start of the New Year

These garbs they issue are tattered
The food served makes me ill
Will hold on 'til my exit date
'Cause I know it's Gods' will

No clicks do I engage with
My radio's my only friend
Trying to wait patiently
For my sentence to come to an end

Institution life is not for me
These people seem complacent
Giving the state years of their life
For me, I'm not that patient
Overheard a conversation
Another inmate wants to go home
Not to get her life together
But to the streets so she can roam
They seem to like this place
Like it's a five star grand hotel
Can't understand their train of thought
It's like a living hell

Did myself a dis-service
No one else I can accuse
Must accept blame for my actions
Deeds I've done can't be refused
Imprisoned in this cell
A lesson lifetime I have learned
Must regain respect of all my peers
An honor I must earn

Each day in here reminds me
Of what I choose not to become
Retreat back to my cot
At day's end when eve's done
Must wear this stain 'til life's end
Does my punishment fit the crime?
The verdict is still out on that
But will linger on my mind


How could I miss Christmas?
The biggest day of the year
Thinking already of what plans to make this time next year

How could I miss Christmas?
That's what my baby girl will say
She missed the biggest day of the year
During the holiday
I feel a great sense of remorse for what I've done so wrong
But I have got to bide my time
It just seems like so long

How could I miss Christmas?
The biggest day of the year
I wish I could bend down and whisper softly in her ear
Sleep slow my child be patient ...
Please have no fear
Joy on her face I'll miss as she opens gifts of splendor
The brightness smile, twinkle, in her eyes
So innocent, so tender

The day the children wait for all the year 'round
Pretending to hear hoof steps of Santa and reindeer sounds
Here I sit in a 10x8
Donning a set of browns
Christmas time this season has really got me down

How could I miss Christmas?
Sad but oh so true
I really need to take this time to say that
Mommie Loves You


Hurt is a feeling that no band aide need
Hurt is an emotion that only time can feed
Now there's a superficial hurt like the pain from falling down
But emotional hurt can be felt from all around
Inside and out deep within your gut
I must determine the cause to remove me from this rut

Hurt can be from lost love someone distant from the past
Or maybe from the present
No time, I have to think fast
Time is never ending with each slow tick
I just have to be more patient ...
Now there's a new trick

Waiting for time to pass, difficult but I have no choice
Start listening to that sound inside my head
That soft familiar voice
Hold on, Hold on my child, stand fast for the ride
Hurt will be over soon
Because God is on your side


Sitting at the table trying to make the pieces fit
The piece that I was looking for
Surely this must be it
Wish puzzle pieces of my life would fit together so
God please show me the way the pieces are supposed to go
Been used to forcing pieces into space they don't belong
Could be the reason why my life has turned out oh so wrong

Stare at my life as if I'm on the outside looking in
Must start this puzzle over
Just don't know where to begin
Which corner should I start from?
Should I start from middle out?
The puzzle is the champion
But I must win this bout
Life's puzzle is the champion
It just keeps on winning
Now I know where the pieces go
Must start from the beginning
First piece that I will pick will be the Lord I worship so
He will guide me to the next place and tell me where it should go
Life's never ending puzzle
Always pieces into God's hand
So this way I won't fret


The day they took my baby was the saddest day to me
A day in my life that I was sure I would never see
I just turned forty and a divorce trying to turn my life around
Standing before the judge, when my mouth just hits the ground
Unfit with no regard for the law is what I've been told:
But how can this be when I just turned forty years old?

I have a job, car and a small yet modest house
Is this what happens when you know longer have a spouse?
I've never hit my child and fed her every request
Made sure she was always cared for
And that is not my best?
Tried not to be everything my mother was
A junkie and a whore
Made a good life for myself
Now I ask myself what for?

Struggled without her dad for five years straight
Now he wants to come 'round and put his name on the slate
Yes I'm her daddy and.... I love her so
Now question. Where the hell were you five years ago?
Long silence in the courtroom 'cause he has contacts
Now I'm flipping out as if I don't know how to act
Are you kidding me? Is this for real?
This must be a really sick joke
While he sits here literally blowing smoke

Right now I don't know how to act
This truly is insane
My blood is boiling, literally stewing
While I still carry his name


I will rise like Maya
Like a star above the sky
I will be known as the phoenix
If you know me you'll know why

Once at the top of my class
Money and statue and oh so pretty
Now broke, busted and disgusted
And people say oh what a pity

I used to have it all
Once at the top of my game
Now I struggle to make ends meet
Ever since I changed my name

Not all matches made in heaven
Not all unions a marriage make
For this I learned the hard way
One of my life's biggest mistakes

The beauty of the union was
The birth of my baby girl
Best thing that ever happened to me
The best thing in the entire world

She is my love, my joy, my life
The reason I still stand
As my life changes direction
I'm begin taking back command

As I rise up from the ashes
Ever so slow, but very steady
Now pay attention closely
Because you just may not be ready

Witness me in action as I rise up from the ground
As a phoenix does from ashes and makes an astonishing rebound
And as I stand before you
After getting off that ride
You counted me out now didn't you?
Sorry to disappoint, but guess what I didn't die


You're a free woman now. That's what the counselor said
But free in terms of what? That's what I questioned in my head
In the courtroom before the judge is where we sat for hours
Trying to keep my composure before the man with all the power
As he signed off the on the decree, I thought of what life had become
Sadness had come over me, A feeling sort of numb
But quickly the anger resurfaced in me of why we're here today
And my blood began to boil as he turned his face away
For shamed is what he should be. At least that's what I thought
For I had given him my soul and it was all for not
He used me like no other man had ever done before
And as I sat there stewing. I knew I couldn't take it anymore

He hurt my heart. He broke my spirits
He physically broke me down
Distincly I recall while lying bleeding on the ground
To reminicse about such events, sad but oh so true
The nite he closed my eye. The colors black and blue
Or the time he pulled my hair out ... excuse me, by the root
And the time he kicked while on the ground with his size 11 boot
The names he called unflattering. Bitch, whore and slut
You make me do these things. I really hate to hit you but ...
It's your fault and you know this
I wish you'd just act rite....
And then he'd slumber next to me and sleep throughout the nite
He'd wake up in morn as if the incident had not occurred
Both talking the next day, but about that not to speak a word

I forced myself to self medicate to try to ease the pain
Sometimes it worked a little to lesson some of the strain
But as the potions wore off reality would set in
And then I'd have to start the process all over again
In order to get my mind rite, I realized I had to break free
So I could be about the business of getting back to me
Felt myself getting stronger. It's a good feeling you know
Now I no longer have to explain when and where I'm 'bout to go

So no, I'm not a failure just because we had to part
God guided my decision and I felt it in my heart


Why doesn't God love me is my running question?
These days I feel I have no purpose or sense of direction
I look out my window with my head up to the sky
And ask the Lord above please tell me the reason why?

I feel so confused, so discombobulated
Are my past sins the reasons for my trials and tribulations?
I turn to the Holy Book reading the Book of Job
I do so because his story of suffering is the only book I know
I've read it time and time again trying to find out why
God didn't love him either, but there's no answer so I sigh

Have to stay strong and remain steadfast
I realize this is a test
Must keep the faith and complete the task
Or else I will get no rest
I have the faith and believe in a higher power
I think about the Lords works every waking hour
Not sure what my task is or what I have to do
Please tell me God and point me in the right direction
And I will do it just for you


Here I lye until my time is only days away
When I'm released I'll make my journey far far away
I'll be getting out soon
I lye here until I wake
Have to keep the faith now
Please help me for Christ sake
Thinking of the day again when we will meet
I am so looking forward to it
It will be such a treat

Love of my life, joy of my world
Oh what a beautiful little girl
I'll be getting out soon. That's what I keep on saying
Every nite I talk to the man above. I have to keep on praying
I pray to keep my sanity. I pray to save my soul
I have to keep on praying so that I may reach my goal.


It's past the 1st of the month and the rent is due
I'm depressed 'cause I know what I have to do
Avoid making the call with another excuse
I know what he wants, so there is no use
He comes to the house under the guise of cutting the grass
But what he really wants is to get in some Black ass

I even told my dad what I was going thru
His response "sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do"
I'm in a custody battle for my baby girl now
I can't go back to court with an eviction notice
Trying to explain how I lost my home and have no place to stay
No judge in the world would ever give her back to me that way
So I let climb on top of me, acting as if I am asleep
I try to put myself in a happy place as he begins to ravish me
I pretend I don't feel him while he's bouncing up and down
All kinds of thing are in my head going 'round and 'round

I push myself to allow him to finish his perverted actions
Remembering what my dad said, so I try not to show any reaction
It's for the greater good ... that would be my baby girl
That's all that can really be said
Because deep inside the core of my soul I feel like I am dead
I can smell his scent even after I bathe
A stench that stays with me for days
I medication is not working anymore
I can drink a whole bottle and still feel like a whore

I used to be so fastidious when paying all my bills
Always on time keeping all of my dates
I used to have A-1 credit because I was never late
I used to be so together
Always giving to others, trying to do my part
I feel a sense of emptiness right now deep inside my heart
I've been praying to the Lord, but I must be doing it wrong
Because I've been stuck in this desolate valley for oh so long
Gotta continue to pay the rent and have a place to stay
And keep on praying....
Hoping eventually something good will come my way


My mother is a stranger
For I know her not, the woman who bore me
Introduced me to air
The only gift she ever gave me. Life is so unfair
Cannot call her just to talk or when I need an ear
Never 'round to give a shoulder in my biggest times of fear
Fed me toxins in the womb, substances of different kinds
Things a fetus shouldn't digest. Mother's actions boggle the mind

My mother is a stranger. This woman who gave me life
Never 'round to give me comfort in my biggest times of strife
Never would say that good mornings always come after bad nites
Wish she would have shown me love saying everything will be all


There's a charlatan among us. One who pretends to be ...
Like the one who's next to them. Or maybe the one who acts like me
Why be so pretentious? For this I have no clue
I like being me. Don't you like being you?

Seek beauty from your inner self.
Look deep into your soul
It's the path of least resistance and may help you reach your goal
When you wake up in the a.m. at the early mornings rise
Do you see your own reflection? Or pretend it's just a guise?

Don't you like the face you see? Such that of a pretty girl
Your image is a gift from God. Unique all throughout the world.
Show the world your trueness. So innocent, so pure
Stop fighting with yourself
Let God help you win this war


Dear God I need you now
Don't know how much longer I can hold on
Please help me find dome inner strength
So that I can go keep going on
I need to know you love me
Cause I don't love myself
Please just give me a sign
So that I can help myself

The answers aren't forthcoming
The reason I don't know why
You got me starring at the ceiling
Looking up towards the sky
Please answer me. Answer me!
I'm leaning towards the edge
You and I've been at this place before
When I've been 'bout to reach the ledge

Thought you blessed me with a gift
To prevent me from these thoughts
You took that away from me
Now I am at a loss

The one thing I had to live for
You took that all away
And now I see no reason
To live another day

Please give me some inspiration
Other than my baby girl
For when you stripped me from my child
I no longer wish to be in this world
Please give me something please
For I don't have the know how
To pick myself up off the ground
I need and I need you now


I'm feeling on my chest. Checking to see that I'm alive
Anxiety attack is coming on. Not sure if I will survive
I have to believe that I will
I'm breathing rather heavy. Huff and puff through my mouth
The doctor said don't do that. In the last session that's what we talked
Cover your mouth and breathe thru your nose
That's it. Hold it, wait nice and slow ...
Once you regulate your breathing, then you should be good to go

This new medication they have me on
Makes it hard for me to stay awake
But in order to keep me functional
It's the meds I have to take
Don't want to be dependent on a bunch of pills
Sometimes I thing the medicine is what really makes me ill

Like the rhythmic beat in my heart. It usually goes thump, thump
But sometimes times it just needs a little quick start
They call them palpitations, when sometimes it skips a beat
Sometimes I'm unaware, especially during the heat
First your legs buckle, followed by a severe sweat
Then a rapid heartbeat, I forget what happens next

By then I'm in the hospital, arms full of IV
Trying to figure out what just happened to me
Anemia, hypoglycemia and internal bleeding was type
All the things my body just couldn't fight
They medicate me some more, trying to stabilize me somehow
My body's fighting back, trying to control this, and now

Lord, I' am a warrior. I've shown this thru and thru
I'm asking a lot now. Please tell me what to do
Don't wanna be sick anymore
Trying to get stronger day by day
And follow me what you want me to do
All in God's way


Excerpted from A Methodical Mental Mind by Amber Lovlie. Copyright © 2014 Amber Lovlie. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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